TO THE SUNNY BEACH WE GO

Thursday morning Judy and I got on the road much earlier than expected. For once, I was not ready!! The reason for that delay was caused by my LONG HAIR. If you have seen pictures you know that I usually have a short "do". For 6 months, at least, the hair has been growing just for kicks. The longer it gets the harder it is to manage. Probably one reason for that is that I have a hard time doing anything with the back of my head. I think my arms are to short ---- or maybe the head and the body are to big...whatever the reason it takes a long time to get presentable. Therefore, the delay on Thursday morning. I knew Judy Faye was on her way and I left the front door open for her to come on in. I am as skiddish as a chicken in a fox den. Knew she was coming, kept hot curling and burning myself and thought I heard something. Remember, I knew she was on her way -- I peeked around the bathroom door as she turned the corner and saw her and screamed. We both laughed til we cried. That's when we knew that this was gonna be a fun ride.

Thursday morning, unbeknownst to me, Judy had the new GPS in the front seat of the car. The excitement was building. You know we drive thousands of miles and never, ever take the GPS out of the trunk. We both got settled in and arranged the new cushions under our butts. Judy told me she had programmed the damn thing(GPS) twice already. The excitement was building. Seatbelts were buckled, comfort zone was established and I broke out in "On the Road Again". We start up my street and the GPS immediately speaks up. We were told to take a right and I clapped. We had done it -- we had gotten smart enough to program a GPS -- hoo hoo. We knew that in 3 minutes we had to take a right to reach the main highway. We were on pins and needles, grinning and showing all our teeth. As we near the turn the GPS said "take a left" -- DAMN. Then it gave directions back to Judy's house. There was lots of cursing going on by that time and that subsided quickly. Judy said she didn't know which way we should go. I said a few more expletives (I know more than Judy) and the laughter rung out. Hell, we would get there somehow. It's not like we have never been to Myrtle Beach, S.C. We love an adventure -- but you knew that or you would not be reading this stupid blog of mine.

I continued to play with the GPS thinking that I might just be smart enough to fix it before we hit the Interstate. Judy told me to throw it in the damn backseat. On the interstate and still trying... 12 miles down the Interstate we pulled off at the Rest Area. I will conquer the GPS. 15 minutes later we drove back onto the Interstate with GPS in hand and just trying to figure out how to turn the damn thing off. I did figure out how to pop out the memory card and EUREKA -- it worked. GPS shut down and let me program again. When you're hot, you're hot.

I know that Judy loves strawberries and on the road to the beach was a sign, FRESH STRAWBERRIES. I needed a bathroom break and Judy was drooling. I jumped out of the car and the owner said "how's it going" -- I told him once I came back from the bathroom it would be going great. I came out refreshed and Judy had purchased a $10 basket of the most beautiful strawberries you have ever seen. My God, we could even smell them. She surprised me with a large cup of boiled peanuts (my very favorite thing in the world, next to Chocolate). I saw those berries and realized that one big basket would never be enough. I purchased another one for good measure. You can never have too much of a good thing, big, fat juicy strawberries is a good thing.

Judy has a granddog named Otis. He is a Chesapeake Bay Retriever. He is a huge dog with CRAZY EYES. His eyes make him look wild. But Otis has to be the smartest, sweetest dog. Otis has a great disposition and nothing alarms him. Otis is now 13 which Judy tells me is old for a BIG DOG (you know how SMART she is). Judy had been keeping Otis for a week or so and she started telling me about how she and her sister, Janis, were talking about something the other night and were spelling words to each other. They realized they were spelling and there was no need, OTIS is deaf now. I asked why in the hell they were spelling? Were they nuts? She said that they had always had to spell because he was so smart, if you mentioned car or truck he got excited, or treat, or any of his favorite things it was hard to calm him down. I have only had 3 dogs and they were NOT smart. He is a sweetie and just thinking about him makes us both happy. She is a good granny.

Arrive at the Beach. I dreaded seeing the motel -- nowhere near our usual haunt. When the price is cheap I worry (usually for good cause).

The place was a semi-dump. I was not happy and Judy said for $200 a night we could stay in a Marriott. Pissed me off. If we had $200 we would be in a Marriott. My previous boss used to take me on business trips with her. WOW is all I can say. I got to go to places I would never have gotten to go to, stayed in high class places, from a resort (to take depositions)to a grand room in a Chicago Marriott. God it was fun traveling with Kay. She is a platinum Marriott member and not only do you get upgrade after upgrade, but there is wine and cheese from 4-6. I can drink some free wine....plus I entertained Kay by oooohing and awwwwwwing. So therefore, Judy berates me about a damn Marriott. Jealousy makes her green.

I decided to look up information and news on the computer and told Judy that I was going to get on the computer and see who died. (Obituaries from home) Judy replied "Elizabeth Taylor died?" I said what? She said you said Elizabeth Taylor died. I explained to her what I had originally said and how she might need a couple of hearing aids too. She said that I mumbled.....same ole same ole. But you know there was more laughing and snickering every time we looked at each other.

I had decided to start on this blog and told Judy I just couldn't remember anything funny that had happened and that I might have "Writer's Blank" -- She said you mean "Writer's Block?" We get tickled at how stupid we are and how it takes so little to entertain us at any given time.

We decided we needed to go to Sticky Fingers and eat ribs, that is a tradition for us. We walked in and I saw lots of children. I told the waitress I wanted smoking because I didn't want to sit around children. She told us we should sit in the bar. Well for God's sake -- we should have considered loud mouths when we agreed. A woman and a man tried to entertain the whole restaurant in song and jokes. I shook my head and Judy said "don't say a word -- this was your idea." We ate quickly, didn't even have dessert. We left in a rush and headed back to our dump.

The next day was the George Jones Concert. I was really getting stiff legged. Knew that we were going to have front row seats and we were going to be able to see what George really looks like. Well we had 2nd row seats and they worked out well. George Jones is OLD!!! I don't remember him being so OLD. He walked out on stage in a semi-Hawaiian shirt, hair was the same and he had microphones in each ear. Our friend had pointed out that on the stage were monitors with all the words on them.
How disappointing. Poor George, his stomach was huge and we think he had probably just eaten on his bus. He kept his hand on his stomach most of the time, read the words to every damn song and missed a lot of high notes. He made faces and cursed under his breath about the microphone problem. That was interesting to watch him communicate with eye contact with his bass player. It was a scowl and a head shake and the bass player went to the fellows working behind the curtain. We could see all of it from the front row. Not really impressive but we can say that we did see the Legend. He had some skanky female singer with him and we weren't impressed. Several drunks behind us gave a couple of WHOOOOOPPEES when she sang. She was so tickled and grinned a big ole toothy grin.

Nothing happened at the concert and a good time was had by all. I thought our friend might try to get us backstage after the concert, since she is a member of George's fan club, knows George and his wife, and has a photo of him sitting in one of her "red corvettes." But we went home instead and crawled into bed. Got up early the next morning and packed the car and headed back up the mountain -- Home Again, Home Again, Jiggedy Jog.

The trip home was pretty uneventful too. It's a long way but with the GPS' help we made it just fine -- no wrong turns. We bitched and moaned about all the things we needed to do before heading to the Wedding Reception for Karman and Bridget (my girls) in Connecticut and we had just one day to do it all.

The really sad thing is that we never once got on the BEACH. That is sinful. We will do better next time and I promise there will be some funny stories to make you laugh out loud.

Happy Trails

GET READY NEW ENGLAND, HERE WE COME

Judy and I had decided it was time for another road trip. We thought of different places we wanted to go and places we could afford to go. We both love to watch COPS on TV ("Bad Boys, Bad Boys, Whatcha Gonna Do, Whatcha Gonna Do....") and decided that we could go somewhere up NORTH and then come back down through New Jersey and meet the cop we love to watch in Passaic, N.J. How hard could that be to find those cops? Piece of cake. So the plan was made. We had never been to Maine, we could go to Maine and I could eat a lobster. Wonder how much that lobster really cost me???

We left home and one morning with no plan but several maps and a GPS in the trunk, where you know we like to keep it. Of course, I was driving and there was not a whole lot to see on the Interstate and we always argue about that. Back roads are fun sometimes -- but Jesus, it takes forever to get where you are going. So we listened to Blues and Country Music and Rock N Roll on the radio and sang along and laughed and talked about "the good ole days" and boys that we couldn't remember their names or blind dates we had gotten for each other. I hope everyone that reads this blog has at least one good friend that you get to do things like this with. The memories will last you a lifetime. Nothing eventful happened as we drove.

On our way to Bar Harbor we stopped at some little town outside of Bar Harbor. I walked back out to our car and a man with a long, grey pony tail was getting into his van beside of me. He said "is that your kaaaa"? I said "No, but it is my CAR" and we both laughed. He said he notice the Virginia Tech stickers on my kaaaa and had heard about the shooting of all those people in Blacksburg, Va. We discussed that for awhile and then his wife came out and opened up the passenger door of the van and asked who he was talking to. By the time Judy got out of the store I had learned that they had met in a Chat Room, both were in the military and they were now married. She said they would really like to stay and chat but had to hurry home because someone had given them two cockatoos and they had to get them in a cage and fed. Judy was amazed when she came out and saw what was going on and that I was once again talking to strangers and in a van, with pony tails. Did my Mother not teach me anything?

WOW, Bay Harbor was really beautiful and the people did talk funny. We wondered if they thought we did too (nahhhh). Checked into a very nice hotel that was surrounded with huge evergreen trees and tennis courts and lots of woods. Sorta looked like we could still be in Virginia. We had already decided we were not going to hang around anywhere too long. As long as you are moving, they can't catch you, right.

Next morning we loaded the car up and headed for Portland. The day was spent in the L. L. Bean Store. That store was great. Of course, we had seen their catalogs for years and even ordered things from them. We parted at the door and I imagine we were in there for at least an hour -- which is pretty long for us to stay in any store. Judy swears she had me paged when she was ready to leave. Hell, I never heard the page (you all know I am deaf anyway) and I was probably saying HUH? HUH? or they were asking me where I was from? So I walked around the store looking for Judy and decided I would ask one of the ladies to page Judy. After the 3rd page for Judy I was ready to see if they would let me announce it myself, at least she could UNDERSTAND ME! I kept walking and found Judy sitting outside on a bench -- Hell, no wonder she didn't respond. I am sure we had words.

While in Portland we went to our FIRST Ben and Jerry's store. That was a treat for us and we enjoyed every minute and savored every bite. From there we went into our first Jockey store. We were in heaven in there as well. What great underwear. I had never worn Jockey until then and if you haven't tried you should. So already, we have made MEMORIES and we have only just begun.

We also took a boat out to see the whales. What a bummer. First of all I had to purchase a hoodie to keep from freezing my ass off (would take a whole lot of freezing to do that too). It was rainy, and breezy on the water. We purchased our tickets and I was chewing Dramamine tablets as quickly as I could. Judy swears she saw a whale or two. I saw a tip of something that someone said was a whale's tail slapping the water as it went down. Coulda fooled me. All I got out of that trip was damp hair and wet shoes. Had never done that before -- another MEMORY...

We had had enough shopping and people and found the waterfront. Hot Damn. I saw a ferry and we both looked at each other and said "DARE WE" and then said Nahhhh. I always carry beach chairs in the trunk cause you never know when you want to get out and enjoy the view. We found a great spot to sit out beside where the boats dock and the ferrys load up. Talk about heaven, honey we were there and lovin every minute. There were other sightseers like us (but w/o chairs and very JEALOUS, you know) and some had dogs. I love dogs and I would say "honey come see your granny" or some other silly baby talk things. The owners usually love that you love their babies or they think you are a stupid idiot. These people were so pleased that we knew the breeds and wanted to visit with their dogs and them. Of course, we chatted about where we were all from and what we were doing. Now as you all also know -- I sometimes can get really carried away and use curse words in a sentence so that you hardly know I've done it. It's normal for me and I love it. So we meet this couple (I know you think you know where this is going, don't ya) and they are fun, nice looking, have a dog and just so personable. Of course, the husband says they are from Kentucky and have just moved to Portland. I then say "WHAT THE HELL FOR?" The husband replies that he just took a job up here and they had come up a month or so ago, found a great house and they were now in the process of moving in and sightseeing. He then told me he was a minister of a church. I said OH JESUS CHRIST. He let out this huge belly laugh. He said, "if I had told you right from the get go I was a minister you would not have been yourself and entertained us." He was so right. Judy and I had the best time with this couple. We devised a plan that when they got on the ferry I would stand up and wave and pretend I was crying and beg them not to leave. Judy shook her head and told them I needed to be in a home. So we enjoyed their company til it was time for them and their doggie to board the ferry. Everything went just as planned as they pulled out they were on the top deck and waving and saying goodbye Judy, goodbye Gail and I start saying don't go and running after the ferry and they are laughing their asses off. What good sports they were for entertaining me. I take Judy along to be the straight (wo)man.

After all that fun we drove down Coastal Highway #1 and spent the night in Biddeford, Me. That's where I had LOBSTER. I told the waiter I did not want to see it in it's shell or see a whisker or a face or a tail. I didn't care how much it cost, but to see if someone could pick it out and put it in a bowl of butter. One of Judy's favorite sayings is "Money is no object." We found a very nice Comfort Suites Motel with refrigerator, couch, just like home. We had decided to spend a couple days and take day trips. As Karman, my daughter tells me "Calm down Bevus". Biddeford is right outside of Kennebunkport, Maine, vacation place of the BUSH family. Not my favorite family. So we fix us a picnic basket and decide to drive around that day and see what Kennebunkport is all about -- what makes it such a HOT PLACE. We never found that out.

For instance, I know that there is some way to get to the beach. We never found the path or the beach. All we found were the huge boulders that prevented you from even seeing a beach or parking near it. We drove around and around and around. We began to get hungry. There were families on bicycles heading to the beach and lots of walkers and there was no place for us to park. There were some policemen on bicycles ticketing cars for parking illegally though. So right passed a stop sign there are boulders and the water and a cop on a bike. I rolled down my window and ask the policeman if it would be OK if we pulled over in the grassy area beside the stop sign and sat in our chairs and had our picnic. I told him my friend was handicapped and diabetic and we had driven around in circles for at least an hour to try and have a small picnic before we left his beautiful state. He was so pleasant and cute as a button (I might add). So hell, I just parked over by the Stop sign, we unloaded the chairs and the picnic basket and both tried to hobble a little to the chairs and sat under the shade trees and had a great picnic with the sea breeze blowing in our hair. This whole trip was about COPS anyway.... Who knew it would work out so well. His mother taught him to be nice to old women, I bet. This was fun and now we are ready to head 'em up and move 'em out. Our work there was done.

We were ready to head to Massachusetts and had planned to visit a good friend in Boston. Her Mother was very ill during that time so we canned that idea. Closer to Boston we were stopped at a light and a really hot Mustang puled up beside of me and raceed the motor. AWWWWRIGHT, I SAID OUT LOUD. Judy said "Don't you dare race that car cause you will either get us a ticket or get us killed." I laughed at her and called her a name, I'm sure. It turned out the Mustang was driven by a GIRL. DAMNIT! So she is sitting over to my right revvin her engine and there I am in a 6 cyl. automatic Chevy Impala (and not a chance in hell of beating her). She had no idea what I had. So I put my car in neutral and revved it good and loud. Nobody at the light but us. We are out revvin each other and the light changed and she took my ass like Grant took Richmond. Well who didn't know that was gonna happen. I was so tickled and Judy was still muttering. My car is very loud, thanks to my son, Frank. So as the girl left me in a cloud of dust I saw her wave and I waved back. Judy asked what I was doing. I said "she waved" and so did I. Judy said she gave you the finger, stupid. You have to be laughing, at least grinning at that.

We had puttered along really not having a plan and got right in the middle of Boston at RUSH HOUR or close after. MY GOD that was scary!!! We never really get worried about being in a city, how hard can it be to get out of there? Piece of cake, read the signs, (or listen to your GPS, if you have one that is not in your trunk)and you will survive. Of course, I was driving my car and was going with the flow, which had to be 125 mph. Every now and then we would make a pass thru the middle of Boston Judy would periodically let out a scream or a few cuss words. She kept telling me that I was going to get us killed or did I see that car that I just barely missed? Actually, I had not, who knew she had?? It was getting dark and I had been driving a very long time. I was stopped at a traffic light and people kept pointing at us and saying something. We both notice and wondered "out loud" what the hell was going on. Finally a cabbie pulls up and yells TURN YOUR LIGHTS ON. Thank God, that was all it was. But as we kept going Judy asked if I knew I was driving with one eye shut. I told her I did that I couldn't see out of both eyes. Wrong thing to say. I think the one-eyed driving was caused by "stressful driving" or maybe "loosing the race". We began to feel like the Kingston Trio's song -- the MAN WHO NEVER RETURNED. That song, for you youngsters, is about a man who got on the subway and didn't have enough money to get off and get on another train and his wife would go down to the station daily and hand him a sandwich through the window.... well you get the point. We drove around Boston and we would see a sign post but a damn tree limb/leaves were covering up the words. We would keep going 125 mph (going with the flow)I'm not kidding, it was a FAST FLOW -- Yankees drive a lot faster than we do. We would take off on another road and Judy would say, she saw an exit coming up and for me to take it. Off we would go at 65 mph and not know where in the hell we were and we were laughing and listening to music, thinking we had finally gotten off the road and were headed out of Boston. WRONG! Judy would say HANG A LEFT, QUICK and into a damn supermarket parking lot we would go or a shopping center. Once again back on the freeway and when we saw a sign for service stations we got off. The kid working there was no nice and helpful. Told us exactly what to do, where we should get off in order to head to Connecticut, piece of cake. There are nice people every where.

By late afternoon we were winding down and I saw water in the distance and was drawn to it. We drove over to a great scenic area and parked the car. I really think we were in Bridgeport, Conn., but we actually don't know. We had been riding for quite awhile and it took a few minutes for us to get out and straighten up. There was a concrete boardwalk with a couple of benches overlooking the water and boats coming and going. Nice place to take a load off. The benches were full except for one and there was on older gentleman sitting alone and I asked if he minded sharing with us. He was so sweet and small. He was very gracious and we chatted and introduced ourselves. Of course, I had to find out all about him. I was a detective in another life. His name was Larry and he was a widower. He was very lonely and talked about his wife and how he missed her. I asked if he still drove a car and he said he did. He pointed to a huge Buick sitting behind us. I told him if he was so lonely that he should start dating and he shook his head and said no. I said do you go to church and he said sometimes. I told him that he should that church would be full of widows looking for a husband and would love to cook for him and he could take them out and spend some of that money he was hiding on them. He laughed. I kept talking about him going out and having fun. I asked if he had children and he and his wife had had a son but he was now dead. So I pursued other things and he said "DO YOU WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH ME"? Well, talk about being taken aback, I was. I told him "HELL NO". He laughed out loud. I think it was at that juncture that I decided to stand up and walk over to the fence and look at the water. He moved closer to Judy and said that I was a Big, Tall Girl. Judy, of course, had to one-up me. She told him she was taller than me. We visited with Larry maybe an hour before we were restless and ready to hit the road again. We took pictures but never asked him for his name or address or anything else. Hell, he probably would not have told us anyway since he thought I wanted to have sex with him. I have a photo of us on my MYSPACE page, I believe. I was much taller than he was and so was Judy.

Now the real fun begins. Judy has taken the wheel since she is not riding with a blind woman any longer. We had plan and that plan was to head to New Jersey, Passaic County, specifically. We left little Larry with a laugh and a smile and headed off into the sunset. Once again, darkness had fallen (a veil of darkness sounds nice doesn't it) and we had no clue where we were, but we did know we were moving right along and almost out of gas. We spot some gas signs coming up and I said take this exit and Judy sees a sign that reads JAMAICA QUEENS, NY. That got a rise out of her. Well the good news was that the gas station was straight ahead, within sight. I jumped out of the car to pump the gas and a nice car pulls up at the other pump with a black man and a woman in the car and when he got out I started asking him questions about New Jersey. As he began speaking, his girlfriend leaned over and gave me the "evil eye" --- whoa, get back. At that same time, another car pulled up in front of me with two black gentlemen in the car. The driver got out and overheard the other man talking to me. He comes over and interrupts the first fellow. Well, that makes the first fellow, with the girlfriend, mad and he gets in his car and leaves. The second fellow said to forget everything I had been told. That I certainly did not want to go the way the first guy had told me to go. I got a slip of paper to write on and he told me when I left the station to go back the way I came in (WHICH MAKES SENSE) and what exit to look for. Judy and I thanked him profusely. He was really a handsome guy. Then he said "WHAT IN THE HELL DO YOU WANT TO GO TO NEW JERSEY FOR ANYWAY?" We all laughed. Nice people everywhere.

"On the Road Again, Can't Wait to Get on the Road Again....." Spent the night in New Jersey. YAHOOOOOOOO. Boy were we excited. This is a really long story isn't it. I cannot leave anything out. I don't want you to miss a thing. We would always carry our computers with us and write "the poor people that had to work for a living" and tell them what they were missing. That's why you are getting details here. Although, I did have to get the Atlas out a couple of times.

Next morning we found out where the Police Station was and drove down through a beautiful neighborhood, streets lined with business, homes and trees just, really pretty. We talked about how excited we were going to be and what we would say and what the cop would say when two women walked in to see him. Then we laughed til we cried because we also add other little tidbits I cannot possibly share with you which makes it even funnier. As we drove down this street I mentioned earlier, I saw a Bakery Shop. I can usually smell them before I see them -- but I was excited. So we went into the shop that made me think I had died and gone to heaven. I had coffee and lots of sweets and Judy had water and lots of sweets. Then after my belly was full I told Judy I was buying the cop some sweets cause I could tell he ate them too (it is called BIG STOMACH). So I purchase a huge box of pastries $25-$30 worth for him. We were skipping out of that bakery. I think I might even have had sweaty palms (god forbid). Judy said she would wait in the car (yea, let me see if the dog bites, before she gets out) and if we were in the right place then she would get out. So I go to the Government Office Building/Police Station, and the front door was locked. What the hell. I smelled cigarette smoke and heard men talking (I told you I was a detective in another life, didn't I) and walked around that corner like I knew where I was going. There were 8-9 cops standing around smoking and talking and it all came to a halt when they saw me.. They looked up and everyone got quiet. They asked if they could help me and then I really felt stupid. I said "Oh yes, I am from Virginia, and I came all the way up here to see the policeman on Cops". They laughed and laughed and laughed. They were just jealous, of course. Nobody came from Virginia to see them. They said "Lady, you are looking for the Passaic "COUNTY" police. You will need to drive up to this point, and then over to this point and then you will see construction going on and there will be a police car sitting there. That is a County policeman. He will be able to help you. I thanked them and walked away. Judy said she wondered what in the hell had happened to me. But, you know what.... she never got out of the car to come looking for me.....reallllllllll worrrried.......

I got in the car and told her what smart asses they were and told her the directions they had given me. So I started the car up and off we went, pastries and all. Directions were good though. Found the car, cop sitting in it, and I parked across from him. It was not "our cop". I walked up to his window and damned if he wasn't sitting there watching a movie on a laptop. The movie was the Jessica Simpson one with the two brothers and the race car and their uncle and she has on "short, shorts". So I peck on his window and scare him. No kidding.... He was so damned cute, a short, Italian stallion. I motion for Judy to get out of the car and come over. He is still sitting in his seat, behind the wheel, he had turned the movie off, and I said what in the hell are you doing watching a movie. He said WHERE DID YOU COME FROM? I asked if he was working? I was really brave wasn't I? hmmmmmm, I believe you call that STUPID. He said actually all I have to do is sit here behind the construction site. It is a law that a policeman has to be at each site and he smiled and I melted, and then I ran down into my shoes. So then he gets out of his car, Judy and I have to move out of the way to let him out. He pulls up his belt and his gun (for show, I'm sure) and asks what we need. I don't think I was able to speak for a few minutes. Judy told him about the Cop on Cops, blah, blah, blah. He said well wait a minute and let me check but I think he is on vacation. DARN, DARN and TRIPLE DARN. So what does the Stallion do? He calls the Dispatcher and says he has a 5200 and asks about the other Cop. When he gets off his walkie-talkie I ask him what a 5200 is and he says "a crazy person"... Seems the guy is in Florida on vacation with his FAMILY(he emphasized that), and will be coming home the next day, which is Sunday. So we tell him that we had purchased some pastries for him and would he give them to him tomorrow. SURE THING he said.... (We really aren't that stupid) So I go to the car to get the box and I had a hot pink top on and spilled some confectionary sugar out of the box on my boobs. As I got back up to the stallion I said, uh oh -- cocaine.... Judy laughed out loud. I said "I think you are gonna have to cuff me." He said "nah, I don't think so." He was blushing. Two fat women hitting on him...and he blushes. Love it. I asked if he was married (remember, I was a detective) and he was on his 3rd, and had 6 children. He was just graying around the temples and was really handsome. I believe the Stallion's photo is on MYSPACE as well, should you desire to see. Judy and I still get tickled at the thought of him taking all those pastries either to his kids or other cops, laughing their asses off about us and then telling the cop about his "secret admirers".

Well that plan didn't quite work out the way we wanted but it was a plan and it was fun and we had something to look forward to and something to talk about and entertain people with.

We had planned to stop in Atlantic City and gamble but the weather was nasty and rainy and I was still blind in one eye (as Judy likes to say) and we were worn to a frazzle and out of money from spending it on pastries mainly). So many memories....and so little money.

By the way, in April and May there are 3 upcoming trips. 1 to Myrtle Beach to see Country Singer George Jones (front row seats), 1 to Connecticut to see new in-laws and finally 1 to Memphis to the Jazz and Blues Festival. Can you wait.. I'm gettin stiff-legged just thinking about it.


Happy Trails

LOOKIN FOR A REAL COWBOY

My best friend Judy and I are always talking about a road trip. Believe me, we have done many and have laughed most of the way. I think our most fun trips have been going through Texas or just to Texas. In every state we manage to find the projects or dumpsters.

I have this thing for cowboys. Age doesn't really matter, I just would like to see a real one, watch him get up in his saddle and ride off or sit and talk to him about all the things he has seen and done (probably gonna have to be an older one to get that much information). So help me God, three times to Texas, not a cowboy in sight.

WHERE ARE THEY? I've been told they are there but "you can't see'em". What the hell does that mean, I ask"? It seems that the REAL COWBOYS are working on 2,000 - 3,000 acre ranches. Surely they leave sometime, ride a horse near the road, drive a truck with a dog in the back to the store. I am beginning to believe they are in Montana, Colorado or South Dakota....just not Texas.

So back to our road trip. Judy drives a big white Cadillac and if it could tell stories...whooo doggies. The beginning of this particular trip began with a short stay in Myrtle Beach, S.C., on of our favorite haunts. We drank green tea because it helps you to loose weight as well as kills the appetite. IT TRULY WORKS. Few days on the beach in our favorite condo, and we were off to Savannah, Georgia.

Now Savannah is another one of our favorite places. It is big and beautiful.
We don't always have lots of money to spend but we manage to have great fun and some of it we can even remember. But I swear to God, every time we go to Savannah we end up in the damn projects. Now we are both from a small town in Virginia. We don't have projects here, not even homeless people. So that is really culture shock for us, especially the first time we were lost. We always manage to find our way back to main street and laugh at our adventures and think how normal people would react in the same situation and what my husband would say if he knew.

We checked into a nice hotel outside of Savannah and drove in, took a nap and later found a place to park and walked around an area with bars, restaurants, art galleries, a square with a band playing and lots of seating. We took a load off, tapped our feet and clapped our hands and enjoyed ourselves. After we had enjoyed as much as we could stand we got up to cross the street and a man on a bicycle rickshaw blocked our way. I am sure we both gave him the EVIL EYE. He smiled and said "ladies, let me take you for a ride". We declined. Then the ass said "I have hauled men bigger than ya'll on here, and they weight 285 each." I asked him what in the hell he was trying to imply? He got the message, subtle as it was and scurried away. Well, we aren't lightweights but that was none of his business.

We had timed this trip so that we would be in time for the Jazz Festival to begin the next day. We had our folding chairs, our cooler, and our straw hats. We looked good. (It's all about lookin good or at least thinking you do) The Festival was held in Forsythe Park and it is beautiful, green, spacious and perfect.

We left the hotel early the next morning to allow time to visit the projects (which we did). Found the Park again, carried our chairs and cooler and sat under the shade of a big oak tree. My God, this was perfect and we could not quit grinning. Not too close the bands, not too close to people with children and not too close to the homeless people who were mingling around. I did notice across the Park lawn were porta johns. OH MY GAWD. I have never, never been inside of one of those things. I had already had one bottle of water and we had wine, cheese, fruit and salty things. Well we sat and enjoy the scenery, the young, handsome guys throwing frisbees, the old people in wheelchairs and the beautiful dogs. Every breed imaginable. A lady in a big floppy straw hat walked up with her CHOW and started talking to us. We were having a great conversation when her dog lifted his leg and peed all over Judy and her straw hat that was hanging from her chair arm. I was hysterical and crying. Judy jumped up and cursed the dog and the woman was apologizing over and over. I couldn't stifle myself. Just as everyone was getting over that damage that damn CHOW turned his back to us and kicked dirt all over Judy. That did it. That porta john seemed 8 miles away. I walked crossed legged all the way over there and prayed it would not smell and it would be clean and it would also be empty. My prayers were answered. I skipped back when I was through. We had a good laugh all over again and she cussed about that stupid dog and how she couldn't wear her hat. Oh that made my trip to Savannah. I kept laughing and saying thank God I had a good, dry hat. She says I am so hateful anyway -- can you imagine?

We left Savannah for Jacksonville, Fla. Judy has a cousin who lives there. We stopped on the way into town to look at the ocean. We parked right beside the Rescue Squad and the Fire Department. The wind was blowing like a bitch. There were all these red flags out on the beach and on lifeguard stands. No one on the beach but us. We wondered out loud what that was about. I said sharks and she thought maybe rough waters. We sat on the steps leading to the beach for a good 30 minutes enjoying the ocean and the salty air. When we met up with her cousin she said the flags meant RED TIDES. Red Tides is very bad for your lungs and your breathing and I believe it is brought on by storms and when all the junk on the bottom of the ocean floor is churned up and the beaches are covered with brown foam. Glad we inhaled for 30 minutes. We had dinner with the family at a fish camp right on a swamp and the restaurant sat out over it. The rains had caused flooding and the owners had placed boards to walk thru the parking lot to get inside. I was wondering what the floor inside was gonna like. It was nice, but we ate by a window and watched alligators and turtles swimming right next to the building. I prayed the building wouldn't sink til we left.

The next morning we headed out for the Florida Panhandle in search of more adventures. We traveled the beach highways (Judy hates the interstates and that's why we stay lost most of the time). I think I forgot to mention that we have a GPS and it stays in the trunk because she says it doesn't work right...... Okay, so we were driving on Route 98, right along side of the Gulf Coast. There were bugs as big as sparrows hitting our windshield and hood. My God, I thought the locust had come. The windshield wipers barely kept the windshield clean. (Judy has since had her car detailed twice and there are still bug guts on it from that trip, they cannot get them off). I told Judy we had to find a bathroom quick or I was gonna have to use the woods. That was about the time we passed a sign to watch for bears. Then I saw a road to the right and a sign that read "JAIL". I yelled for her to take it. About a half a mile later the female jailer let me in to use the facilities and stayed outside the bathroom door to let me outside safely. Yes, there were people in the jailhouse. About 3 miles down the road we saw a bear safely make it across the road between 2 cars. Not long after that we saw a single biker heading the other way, towards the bear. Wonder if he made it or ended up as bear food????

That night we stayed in Panama City Beach. We decided to hang around for a couple of days. The next day we went sightseeing. We found a side road to pull onto to get to the beach. Oh my God, the sand was white and fine and the water was as calm and warm as bath water. We found a small tidal pool on the beach and sat our chairs in it and said "THIS IS THE LIFE." That was right before the flies attacked us and we dropped our paperbacks in the water swatting them. By then it was 100 degrees and it seemed a long way back to the steps to our car. Our feet sunk down into the sand up to our ankles. What a pretty sight we were. Too fat women trying to run in hot, ankle deep sand. A good Samaritan was parked beside of us. He said you ladies look like you could use a cold drink and handed us a bottle of icy cold water. He was a nice guy from Tennessee. Remember I told you about drinking that green tea, for weight and appetite. Well we were still doing it because we had a damn case of it. So I had noticed a gym/spa when we checked in the previous day --- it's obvious that neither of us work out! So I peeked in and didn't see anyone and I wanted to weigh myself to see if the tea was working. Sure enough, I had lost 6 lbs. Damn, I'm good. I turned to get off the scales and saw myself in a group of mirrors and it scared me so bad that I screamed. Then I realized it was me. What if someone else had been in there. That blood curdling scream could have caused them to have had a heart attack. When I returned to the room and told Judy I thought she was going to have a heart attack. She said I was a SICK WOMAN. Another day of resting and reading and we were fired up and ready to hit the road again.

We drove through Biloxi and Gulf Port, how sad. All the big beautiful homes we remembered from previous trips were gone -- Katrina had leveled or ruined most of them. We had seen alot of the damage on TV, but nothing compares to seeing it up close and personal. We drove on through New Orleans and saw the damage there as well. We thought about staying outside of Baton Rouge but there was a huge football game and we drove for 12 hours before we found a room.

We checked into a brand new hotel and they offered the usual breakfast which I like, because it's free. I think I have also forgotten to tell you all that I end up being the "HUSBAND". I wake up early and love to go eat breakfast and read the paper and watch the people. Judy needs her beauty sleep and is a slug. She moves slow. So I go do my thing and then bring her a breakfast tray back to the room. Everyone probably assumes we are gay, but we aren't. "NOT THAT THERE'S ANYTHING WRONG WITH THAT" (from Seinfield). So this particular morning I was having a great time and some guy tries to pick me up. HOLY SHIT. That hasn't happened for years. He must have been really hard up or I must look great with bed hair, and no makeup. He was a nice looking man, my age, and was a salesman for truck and car parts. I listened to him talk and told him I was from Virginia and traveling to Texas. He wanted to know if I was alone or with family. I said actually, I am with my "GIRLFRIEND". That didn't deter him at all. I said, matter of fact, I have to fix her breakfast right now. He said you are hilarious. Please don't go yet, let's sit and talk over another cup of coffee. He wrote his room number down on his business card and told me to call him when I got back to my room and wanted to know if I had an E-mail address. I told him no E-mail and he said call me anyway. I got Judy's breakfast plate and hurried to the room as fast as I could go. I told Judy "I STILL HAD IT" --I couldn't believe it. That morning we checked out and headed for Katy, Texas to visit another friend.

We hadn't seen our friend Julie for years and she and her husband Jay insisted we bring our laundry and come for dinner. You can't beat that. We decided the next day so that Jay would drive us to Galveston. He said he hated Galveston but he wanted to be with us -- what a guy. I thought Galveston was gonna be a dirty oil town and I figured Glenn Campbell would be there singing as we drove up. He wasn't. Jay was very knowledgeable about Galveston though. He said it used to be a Mafia town (oh my God, I love the Mafia and the Sopranos). That people had to get their permission to build hotels. UNREAL. Great trip, good stories and fabulous friends.

The next morning we left Katy and headed for Corpus Christi. While we were driving around checking the yachts and sights I realized I had to go to the bathroom and QUICK! There was a restaurant right on the water called Joe's Crab Shack. They also had $1.00 margaritas. (PERFECT) By the time Judy got the Caddy close to the entrance I wasn't sure I could even make it out of the car inside to the bathroom. She parked and left the motor runnning, I walked in front of the car and Judy turned in the seat to get a map and her foot hit the gas. It scared me so bad that I wet my pants and there was no stopping it. She turned and realized what she had done as I stood in front of the car and we both laughed so hard. I did go into Joe's to clean up with paper towels and put some in my underwear (TMI) til we found a hotel. Thank God I had on black shorts and the caddy has leather seats.

We got a room in a fabulous high rise hotel overlooking the water and yachts. The room was floor to ceiling windows and we were on the 10th floor. After a quick shower and while Judy got her shower I walked around the room naked, just because I could. The high rises around us were office buildings, it was late and I am sure the offices were closing. It was something I had to do once, like skinny dipping. We didn't read of anyone dying of heart attacks the next morning either. We had dinner out and a great time.

The next day we got our straw hats (yes, Judy's had dried), suntan lotion, books and a cooler and headed for San Padre Island. OH MY GOD, we were so excited. We drove for 3 1/2 hours and finally I said where in the hell is the water? Judy, in this instance, is the HUSBAND. She will not ask for directions. Oh, the one time she did (another time we were lost) she asked an UPS man where we were going? I wish you could have seen the look on his face? Like, lady if you don't know, I sure as hell don't. So we stopped and I asked for directions. The fellow told me we were going the wrong way. WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT. We had to backtrack 100 miles -- remember, the GPS is still in the trunk. Anyone want to travel with us? We are lots of laughs and stay lost a lot. So we finally found the water and the beach. The beach was covered with tons of seaweed. We finally cleared us a spot, raking the seaweed away with our feet and sat our chairs down and prepared for a nice afternoon. Our chairs sunk about a foot into the sand and the water rolled in and soaked our asses (literally). We got up and jerked our chairs out of the wet sand and moved them back 6 or 7 feet and tried to unwind. We were there for almost 2 hours. It took us 5 hours to get there. Now get this -- North Padre and Corpus Beach were only 20 minutes and 2 humongous bridges away had we used our GPS. We could have had a whole day at the beach.

Worn out we headed back to the hotel. I had on my prescription sunglasses and I looked good. Lots of rhinestones and glitter. But it was dark by this time and I needed my regular glasses. I didn't know where they were. Judy wears sunglasses day and night. But she was driving and driving fast and not paying attention and there are lots of feeder roads down there. She would start to get off on one of those feeder roads and I would scream NOOOOOOOOOOOO and she would swerve back in the lane. It was almost midnight and trucks were passing us like we were sitting still. They were going at least 90 mph. I said "hell, keep up with 'em". We did and the next thing we know we were in a lane with everyone else and coming to a stop -- a truck weigh station lane. Finally, some ACTION. A FEDERAL CHECK STATION, WOW. OH MY GOD -- cops and dogs, just like on TV - HOT DAMN! It was finally our turn for the search, I knew we "fit the profile". Two blonde fat women in a caddy -- had to be drug runners, right. The FED stepped up to the window and asked if we were U.S. Citizens and Judy answered yes and then they wanted to know if anyone else was in the car??? WHAT? Where would they be? They waved us right on through. Just our luck. We wanted to hear him say "Mam, step out of the car". We were disappointed. Anyway we finally made it back to the room and collapsed.

Did I forget to mention that every night or every other night I would write a newsletter to our friends and office mates. They called us Thelma and Louise. I assured them we would never intentionally hurt ourselves. Sometimes Judy would write the letter, if I was too tired or brain dead, that happens alot to me. I know in one of our newsletters she wrote that "Gail is walking around like a Silverback Gorilla." Beauty is in the eyes of the beholder, right.

We got up early and headed to Kingsville, Texas. I was finally gonna see some COWBOYS at the infamous KING RANCH, giddy up little doggie. We arrived in fine form, and checked into a hotel and unloaded. God, do you realize how many times we load and unload. Think of how many clothes two women take on a trip like this one (a month). Not only do we fill the trunk but we fill the back seat. I think of these insignificant things as I write. I have a clothes basket we fill with food or whatever needs to go in there, usually food. We will stop at a wayside or somewhere we see that looks nice and have a snack and just take a break. Anyway it's a lot of work. We need a full time person just to handle the luggage and check-in and out. So we have the information for the Ranch. I am stiff-legged with excitement. We find the big gated entrance and it's more than anyone can imagine. The grounds were beautiful. We had to go to a gift shop to pay and ride in a van for the tour. The only cowboy I saw there was an 84 yr old Mexican Cowboy who had been raised on the King Ranch. He was in charge of showing us the many brands that had been used on cattle over the years. He was gracious enough to have his picture taken with me. When the film was developed, my stomach was huge and my mouth was wide open). When we returned to the gift shop I bought a postcard with his picture, standing by his horse, chaps and all, taken at least 30 years earlier.


We were ready to head to San Antonio. Oh God, we love San Antonio. The Riverwalk, the Mexican pastries that are full of lard, the jewelry, the junk and we always try on sombreros. We stopped in a little town called Sequin, right outside of San Antonio. Oh, this is so funny. After shopping and eating the not so good ($13.00 worth) of pastries, we went to a Mexican Restaurant nearby. Big walking area full of shops and restaurants. As we got seated I said, Jesus I need a drink. I ordered a Margarita. I kept trying to get the eye of one of the mariachi singers so he could come sing to the weary travelers. Finally, they ambled over our way, black tight pants with silver clips and buttons down the pants and just so cool. So they were strumming away and I am sucking down that drink like last call and grinning wide enough to show molars and of the guys says something to Judy. I grinned really big at her and asked what he "wanted". She said he wants $6.00 damnit. I said OK and handed him the money and said play again because I realized Judy's sister would love to hear them play and sing and she was back home at work. So they are really getting down this time and I dial a number and hold the phone up for a few minutes and God only knows who was on the other line, but it was not Janis. Damn, I had to redial and that was gonna mean another $6.00 and we had no clue what the hell they were singing. It happened, they sang, Janis loved it and we were all happy.

The next day we checked out of the hotel -- we are still lugging these suitcases. We were not smart enough to pack a change of clothes and underwear each time we left for a new venue....that would have been way too easy. We head to Abilene, I love that song, don't you. "Pretty girls don't treat you mean in Abilene."
I think George Hamilton, IV sang that song. We found a so-so Hampton Inn and checked in. Oh My God, as we are driving down the feeder road to the hotel I see a sign that reads "Livestock Auction" the next night. I'm in Heaven..... I said oh we have to go to the auction and after dinner we have to go up that road so I can see the bulls. I love cattle -- I must be a reincarnated Texan, ya think? Poor Judy, she is not into livestock -- cowboys yes, horses and cattle no. So after dinner we drive up the dirt road to the barns. Well they had different size bulls, calves, cows, in different pens everywhere. HUGE bulls, all kinds. I walked over to the gates and said "Granny's here" and baby talked to them. Those that didn't stampede were very curious, especially the calves, they were so cute with those big brown eyes and eyelashes. Then I walked over to the BULL pens, she kept yelling I was going to be killed and "that I would be sorry." We read the signs and learned that the auction was to begin at 9 the next morning. I could hardly sleep from excitement.

The next morning I went to the "kitchen" and it was full of men, I guess they were there for the auction. I was so excited when I saw they had two waffle makers. So I fixed my coffee and waffles and had breakfast and people watched. Got Judy's breakfast to her and hurried her as fast as I could. Off we went. My God there were big Caddilacs, big new Ford and Dodge Trucks and18 wheelers everywhere, cattle bawling, mooing, bellering. We went in and the building was round and not at all what we expected. We assumed the seating would be bleachers. We were wrong, just like stadium seating, except old theater seats. It really smelled like cows too. Damn, I knew there was gonna be a cowboy there. I felt like a kid at a circus. Judy told me calm down. (My daughter says "calm down Bevis" when I get that way) We had never been to anything like that so it was interesting. They had a small little area that had a gate leading into it and a gate leading out. There was a tobacco chewing guy standing next to each gate (about 5 ft off the ground covered with straw and manure). They would run one cow in at a time, start bidding and the poor animals were scared too death. The gate keepers each had a whip that they cracked and sometimes popped the animal, I think more to scare them than to hurt them, I hope. We actually met a bookkeeper for the Auction who was from Virginia originally and had moved to Texas with her husband, so that was fun. By the way -- no cowboys, just rednecks and old fat men with big hats and big bellies to match. I was disheartned. I took a walk and left Judy upstairs and walked the grounds and saw how they unloaded cattle from three levels of a tractor trailer and how easy it looked. I then went back to the Auction building and into their store. There sat the whips. Leather, braided whips, many different colors. I could not leave Texas w/o a whip. The fellows that sold it to me were wannabe cowboys. I asked to see the whips. I tried to make it crack and couldn't. There was one man working in the store and some guy just hanging out. The one hanging out asked if I wanted that whip for my children or grandchildren and I said NO; they wanted to know if I wanted it for my boyfriend and I said NO; I want to use it on my husband. One of them slapped his knee and said HOLD ON LADY, LET ME GET YOU A STUN GUN. I said I don't want to kill him, just get his attention. About this time Judy arrived. She then proceeded to tell them I had wanted to drink a beer out of a longneck bottle and see a real cowboy. The salesman loved it. He said come on girls, I'm gonna shut this place down and we are all going to go to Chili's for lunch and a beer. There was also a female broker (that works for a cattle company out of Chicago) and she was having a ball. Now the guy who had wanted to know who I was gonna use the whip on was just too full of himself. He was such a flirt. I said listen fella, you get outta hand and I will use this whip on you. The salesman said that's it girls, I want to see that happen, let's go. We joked and talked for a little while and we went away on our own.

Found us a hotel and checked in and "unwound". The next morning I smell my way to the food and YIPPEE, it's waffle machines again. It was a very small dining room and nobody in there spoke English except me (or they were pretending). So nobody to talk to. I had grabbed a paper and was reading that and waiting for my waffles to cook. I had tied up both machines because I was HUNGRY. While I sat and ate my waffles, two men in business suits came in and asked if I could tell them how to operate the waffle makers. I wanted to say Hell yea, I used to work at Waffle House, but I restrained myself. Nobody in there looked fun. So I told them to spray the hot burners and pour a cup of batter over it and close it up and wait for the beep. I looked up as one of the guys covered the burner with whipped cream. You know that made my day and they got a kick out of it too. They had to clean it all up, their waffles stuck and then I had to pick Judy's out in pieces. MEN!!! Nothing happened here that was even remotely interesting.

Our next stop was Wichita Falls. After unpacking I saw a huge black bug scurrying across the room. OH GOD, a roach was all I could think of. I stomped it's guts all over the carpet. I knew I would worry all night about bugs in the room. The next morning, I did the breakfast duty, came back and while Judy ate I got in the shower. The water would either get scalding hot or icy cold. I called the front desk raising hell. They told me that we should go next door and use that shower. UNREAL. I told them HELL NO, we were checking out and wanted a discount. They took $20 off of our bill and we left without our showers. I went to the car to clean the the bug guts off of the windshield. Now instead of parking up against those concrete logs in parking lots, one of us parked to the side of it. I walk in a trot all the time anyway and I got what I needed out of the car and never looked down and fell over one of those concrete log and nearly killed myself. OH SHIT I SCREAMED. I tried to jump up fast but I couldn't. I had torn all the skin off of my knees, elbows, fingers. I wanted to cry so bad. I heard something and two of the Mexican maids came to help me but they couldn't get me up. I said No, No -- probably really loud to, in case they didn't understand English -- you know how talking loud helps, right. Then they ran over to these two guys and I guess they all worked there and the guys just looked at me and finally after much talking they started over and I said No, No ,and I got up, embarassed and hurt. I was a cripple for a week. No matter though, we were on our way to Sweetwater, Texas.

Sweetwater, Texas. That is such a cowboy town name, isn't it. As we were driving into Sweetwater, we see the plateaus covered with huge windmills, just like those in Palm Springs. The only difference was, these weren't moving. We drove through Colorado City and Big Springs, thinking we were gonna see quaint little towns. What we saw were ghost towns. Even the schools were boarded up. We would see a 7-11 and maybe a gas station but the "downtowns" were gone. Storefronts covered with plywood. Very disappointing. We had our books and chairs in case we found a creek or a river to sit by and read. The creeks were even dried up.

We are really looking forward to revisiting Fort Worth. Now there are some cowboys.
We knew that they would run the longhorns through town to the stockyards and the cowboys would be herding them on horses, photo ops galore. There is also always a longhorn bull there that you can ride and/or have your picture taken on. Saddle, bridle, everything. HUGE ASS HORNS. For lunch that day I had fried green tomatoes and margueritas and Judy had stuffed baked potatoes. I guess I'm the alcoholic.

Across the street from where we had lunch I noticed a boot store. BE STILL MY HEART. Friendly help and lots of it. An elderly man came to my rescue and started out by showing me some $1800 boots. I told him that was way out of my league. Then I saw the pair that I had to have. Snake skin. OH MY GOD, WAS I COOL OR WHAT. He found a size 10 and after a couple of margueritas I thought I could stand on one foot and put on a pair of boots. NOT! We sat down and I realized there was no way in hell these boots were going on. I almost had my leg up even with my shoulder when the salesman came over to me with a huge smile and a pair of "boot hooks". Showed me how to hook in the straps on the top of the boot and pull 'em right on. Heaven, I'm in Heaven.... He gave me a boot jack (to get them off with for free).

We left the store and headed up the street to wait for the cattle run. We found a bench under a shade tree and settled in for the long run. I HAVE PICTURES. You will just have to go to MYSPACE and see them (I still haven't figured out how to pixs by these paragraphs) I saw a fellow dressed as an Indian in his suede, fringed outfit across the street holding his horse and I ran over and had my picture taken with him. I also had my picture taken on the Bull with the saddle, again. I was having a hard time pulling myself up in the stirrups and the handler said "put your arm around my neck darlin". I am sure I melted. When I had done this several years earlier, the handler had a long handled mustache and was so funny. He tried his best to push my big ass up on the bull and realized it was gonna take a bigger man than him. So he "walked that bull up a set of steps" (visitor center) and I was able to get on him there. As I slung my leg over the bull he peed a stream a mile long. Then the handler walked me around the circle. They don't do that anymore so you only sit on the bull.

Anyway back to the cowboys riding in the street waiting for the herd's arrival. There was a really handsome black cowboy with chaps and a big ole hat on and he had a whip. He would slow ride by and crack that whip and I would clap and jump up and down. When he smiled, one of his front teeth was gold and it sparkled. The men that work the horses and cattle ride are Fort Worth Town Employees and they volunteer to do this. Fabulous to know people like that. They were so friendly and nice.

I joined Judy under the tree and not long after that a mother and 4 of her sons joined us. They were as cute as they could be. Giggling and laughing and blowing bubbles. I said I really want some of that bubble gum you all are chewing. Judy rolls her eyes and shakes her head. She would never be so brazen. I look at the youngest and he grins and says I don't have it, my brother has it and it was like that with the other 3. I said ok, whoever gives me a piece of gum first gets a $1.00 bill. Talk about them finding the gum -- in a N.Y. minute. They ranged in age from 7-4. One of them had huge front teeth, one had no front teeth the younger ones were cute but not as much personality. I talked with them for a little while and they told me they moved to Texas from California but their grandparents lived in Ft. Worth.

Their Mother was talking with someone else and told them not to get in the street that the bulls would be coming soon and to stay on the sidewalk or else. So they walked in front of my to the curb and I pushed all 4 of them off the curb into the street and their Mother saw them in the street and yelled at them. The boys were giggling and had wads of gum in their mouths and couldn't tell her I had done it and I am sure she didn't see it. That went on for at least 10 minutes til they were almost hysterical from laughing. We must have done that 4 or 5 times. Their Mother wasn't happy with them. I had so much fun with the kids and the cowboys and watching the cattle drive.

We stayed in a Raddison Hotel that night and it was fabulous. The beds had remote controls. No, not vibrators. We noticed we had been invaded by tiny ants. We didn't bring them in because we had too much other stuff to carry. We had green tea for dinner and rested great in those beds. When Judy got up she said she thought 5 lbs of fat had slid off of her during the night. I told her not to worry, it was only her comforter. Party pooper.

The next day we packed up and headed for Rockwall, Texas. I have a cousin there that I haven't seen for several years. She promises to take me to Sam Moon shopping. I am not sure how far away Dallas is from there but we get lost on the way to the store and lost on the way home. She has to call her husband and he has to get on mapquest and do a search to tell us how to get home. I have no idea about towns in that area, so I was no help and she had never driven there alone. I am pretty sure we were on the George Bush highway. While we were in Sam Moon's I was so happy. Glitter, Glitter everywhere. Did I tell you my daughter calls me a Racoon. I must have glitter! Rhinestones, sapphires, diamonds, jewels, bangles. So I bought several CoCoa Channel knock-offs as well as a huge belt buckle with a $ sign made with rhinestones. It is far out, especially with jeans and my snakesink boots.

Two days in Rockwall and we were off to Memphis to see the KING. We have loved Elvis since we were 11 or 12 yrs old. My daddy went to Memphis on a business trip when Elvis first became popular. He bought me a set of 45's by Elvis. I played them over and over and over until I wore the music off. Those were the days.

The next day we found our hotel in South Haven, Mississippi. About 15 minutes from Memphis, if you don't get lost. Judy had gotten on line and scheduled us for the Memphis MOJO Music Tour. We talk for hours about the fun that will be and going to BB King's place, and hearing the blues and eating ribs and barbecue. I think we started to drool. We unloaded, we were almost pros by then. Not as much grunting and groaning. Not once, did a man offered to hold a door, help carry or push. I think it's because we're fat? We treated ourselves to dinner at the Olive Garden and even dessert. YUUUUUM.

That night I took a Dramamine because I have motion sickness. I took one the next morning as well. Didn't want to throw up on the bus. Judy read me the ad for the tour and it said if you have an instrument, bring it along and play. She called the number on the ad and got directions to the office where we were to meet. We had to be there by 2:30. As we left the hotel for Memphis, I asked Judy to read the directions out loud. Judy can't read her writing. She doesn't want to call back and sound stupid and she was sure the man would "recognize" her sexy voice. So as we drove I called and asked for directions and repeated them and told her to write legibly in the car. We found Beale Street and waited on the tour bus to arrive. The tour was great, we drove around Memphis, and learned about the beginning of the blues, rock and roll and which music originated in Memphis. Our tour guide was as cute as he could be and sounded like Elvis, Jerry Lee and all of the other old timers. His name was MEMPHIS. We sang and clapped and had a wonderful time. The next day was a tour of Graceland. We knew we would be reunited with the King.

We drove home that night with a smile on our face and a song in our heart. As we walked to our room, Judy notice one of the rooms on our floor had an easy chair. She asked one of the maids if we could get one also. Sure enough, one was brought to us. Judy was in heaven. I was hungry. I walked to the car to get a bag of pretzels and on the first floor was a man with a combo refrigerator/microwave. I said we don't have one of those in our room and we really need it. He said well these were special ordered for the 28 NAVY SEALS THAT HAVE JUST LEFT. I said oh my God, what I would given to see a Navy Seal. He said Lady, there are 50 more in our hotel next door. I laughed out loud and said, hmmm I think I may be too old. He said Honey, anything above ground is gravy. I'm not sure I know what that means, but it has something to do, I think, if you're not dead.....we're not too old. Anyway he delivered that combo right up to our room. I told Judy we should have a jock strap raid on the Fairfield Inn next door and she rolled her eyes.

The next morning we drove into Memphis and rode the tour bus to Graceland. Wall-to-wall people. It was like an amusement park, maybe worse. We waited our turn to board a little bus to cross the street to Graceland. We kinda got a chill when we drove up to the house. What a let down. I am sure that back in the 50's that was truly a mansion. Now it is a dark, mildewy house. It was fun to see the rooms and the furniture but you could only look thru the doorways. I didn't stay in very long, remember, I walk fast. Judy stayed longer, she is sentimental and cries easily. I got outside where I could get some fresh air and watch some horses gallop in a field behind the house. After the tour of the house we had to wait on a van to take us back across the road and drop us. Then we had to wait for the bus to pick us up. We visited the shops and the planes and we were ready to blow the joint. We had an hour wait before we were picked up. We finally got back on Beale Street and went into BB King's restaurant and had a snack (ribs) and listened to some really old man practice. Then Judy and I took our own little walking tour around that neighborhood.

This had been a long trip for two ole gals. We were ready to head back to the mountains of ole Virginny.

Since I don't have a cheat sheet and there were no more e-mails home, this is gonna wind it up. We had a wonderful road trip as usual but never saw a real cowboy.


We will try again, there's always a road trip in the works.

Happy Trails

THE DOG SITTER

January 3, 2009, was the first day of my job as a dog sitter for this year. This job ran for two weeks.

This is the second time I have taken on these dogs. Let me tell you a little bit about them. These dogs are all RESCUED DOGS. That shows you that someone has a lot of heart, but maybe not too much rattlin around up in the head. There are 4 Italian Greyhounds and 2 Shih-tzus (& one of those is questionable)and 1 cat.

2 Old toothless wonders are named Gentry:


and Ricco:


2 younger ones are Cheyenne:





and Shiner: (still looking for a picture)



2 Shih-tzus are named Laurie and Cassie:





1 cat, Cat Ballou (I don't have a picture of him but he's beautiful)

The first time I sat with the dogs was an emergency. A neighborhood kid had always fed them. They had never had a Real Sitter, or as I like to refer to myself, a Granny. So in November, 2008, I was called into action. I had seen the dogs on one occasion and knew they were timid. I like my men like that too. Things were gonna work out just fine. Since this was an emergency, the wife had left before I arrived and the house was open. I was told Ricco (toothless wonder) was inside and the other toothless wonder was at the vet having some more of his teeth pulled. The others were locked out on the sun porch. They have their own little playroom with a pet door, cages full of blankets, food, water, a heater -- what more could they want. A GRANNY, of course.

When I entered the house the first thing I saw and the first thing I smelled was a pile of dog shit that Ricco had left for me on the rug. A rather large pile, for such a small dog. I was not happy and said "Who shit on the Rug?" I didn't expect an answer from a dog, but Ricco started shaking his head like Katherine Hepburn. I thought maybe I should tone it down a little, didn't want him to die on my watch.

Now for the rest of the gang. They heard me and went ballistic. I opened the sun porch door and was stampeded and licked too death. Back to the family room we all went where they immediately starting sniffing the spot onn the rug. I always carry dog treats when I visit someone with dogs, and have for years. These dogs have no manners at all. They attacked me, with tongues wagging, dewclaws digging in my arms -- you would have thought I had steaks under my clothes. Finally I had to use that real loud Country Voice of mine and scream "Sit the Hell Down". Ricco's head started shaking again. The others weren't affected all all. It had to get real ugly before I had their attention. But I finally did get it and when they were semi-calm they got their treat.

Did I mention that it was so cold that week and that none of the brass monkeys in Virginia had any balls. They all dropped off. Therefore, the dogs had no intention of going outside to do their business. After all, they had a sun porch and it was clean and warm -- perfect! It was the dropping off point for tons of fresh, warm poop and they left me lots of treats.

Cat Ballou wasn't here that week either. His owner found him with a hole in his chest. Unsure whether this was a bullet hole or some other wound, she tried to put him in the car and rush him to the vet. He had other ideas. Once she had been clawed good and proper, the husband was called in for backup. He got his comeuppance. Between the two of then they got Ballou wrapped in a blanket and off to the vet. In the vet's office Cat Ballou scratched two assistants, then whacked the owners for good measure and bit the vet. The vet questioned the date of Ballou's last rabies shot? Guess what -- 4 years had passed with no shot. Poor Ballou was quarantined for 12 days. So he did not have the pleasure of meeting Granny that first time either.

The folks by now had traveled to North Carolina, so I moved in with treats, a faux minx lap blanket and the dogs were in heaven It was a warm sunny day and everyone was on the sun porch. I let them know I was here for the long run and they were very excited. Romping and jumping and clawing me too death. Let the good times roll, PARTAY, PARTAY.

Visiting and getting to know each other again lasted about an hour and I was tired. I locked their asses back on the sun porch and began unloading. That was a smart move on my part, color me proud. I must have made 15 trips from the garage into the house and all the time they are howling and crying like someone was beating them too death. Trust me, someone wanted to beat them too death. I rushed just to move bags in and let them loose and keep them quiet. At other times I encouraged them to howl and bark. I wondered what the neighbors thought -- you could hear the dogs down to the road when they did that. As a matter of fact, everyday that I walked down the drive to get the paper or the mail they all howled. I always had a smile on my face when I went to the mailbox and that was why. Wonder if any of those peeping neighbors wondered why.

After everything got unpacked and treats were handed out. I grabbed a brand new book, settled in the nice leather recliner, had some Roy Orbison playing and something distracted me -- wonder what? Well, one of the Shih-Tzus (from now on they will be referred to as "SHIT-SUES") had the other one by the foot and was dragging her across the room as she howled. The Loud Country voice started screaming curse words that I don't think I'm allowed to use here.... and obviously the dogs didn't recognize them because they kept right on keepin on. I had to grab the leg of one and the mouth of the other to separate them. When I grabbed those girls everyone wanted me to grab them as well, jumping and begging for their attention. This is actually a two-Granny job.

Cheyenne is a very timid little female. I believe she was found abandoned in Kansas. I can now get close enough to scratch behind her ears and back and she will stand up on my leg when I'm sitting and beg for food. She won't come near enough to take a treat from my hand but will let me toss her one. She has to be quick or one of the others will snark it so quickly she doesn't know what happened.

Any noise made in the kitchen is automatically connected with food and causes a feeding frenzy. Whether it is a wrapper being torn or a top being popped, there is an interest. Maybe it's because they usually eat DRY FOOD? YA THINK? THEY ARE WET FOOD CHALLENGED.

Shiner is the cuddler and lap dog. He also is a bottomless pit. He wants part of anything that goes in anyone's mouth - no matter what it is.

You know what, that reminds me of when my kids where little. They always wanted part of what I was eating, even if they had their own -- what is that??? I can remember going to a place that served strawberry pie when they were young. I bought two pies for dessert. One pie was for dessert and the other pie was for me. While they were watching television before bed I grabbed that pie out of the fridge and locked both bathroom doors. I put the commode seat down very quietly, took the plastic cover off the pie and slid it into the sink. With a huge tablespoon I began devouring that pie -- I probably never chewed the first bite, swallowed it whole. Halfway thru someone turned the door knob and I got very quiet. Then someone turned the other door knob. I wouldn't even chew. Then, as if on cue, they both said "Gail, let us in, what are you doing?" I still didn't make a sound. They knew I was there. Then Karman said "I have to use the bathroom." DAMNIT! This was a one bathroom house. God, she was smart. So I told them I would be out in a minute. Each one at a different door. I started shoveling that damn pie in my face as fast as it would go. Then I heard "GAILLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL". I grabbed a towel and wrapped pie pan and spoon in it, washed my hands and opened the door. "WHAT, I asked, Can't I even go to the bathroom alone?" Their eyes were huge as they scanned this tiny bathroom. I walked out with towel in hand and dumped everything in the washing machine. They were sneaky but I was sneakier.

Last night I baked a sweet potato and the dogs ate 3/4 of it before I figured out the only place I could safely eat in private and not share was the garage. They liked it so well that I think that's what I will give them for their dinner tonight.

Ricco may be the oldest, I'm not sure. He may have 4 teeth, but his tongue hangs out the side of his mouth and his head shakes like Katherine Hepburn. I believe he is also the tallest. When he runs to me it looks like a horse galloping sideways with a smile -- are you getting a picture.

Gentry is very feeble and does have a few teeth. He sleeps under the covers with me at night. He does not sleep in a cage. I imagine that is because he was the "first born". He is so thin that I would think the duvet would smother him too death. Hasn't happened yet. He also is a bottomless pit. He paces the floor beginning around his bedtime -- I didn't know that he would not go to bed alone. No sir'ee. When I tried to get him to follow me to the bedroom with a treatk, he acted so befuddled. Then the SHIT-SUES saw some action was going on and treats might be involved and they came sliding sideways on the wooden floor to see where Gentry was headed and what he was about to eat. You could never, ever allow them in the bedroom. It would be destroyed. So when they slid around the corner, Gentry acted frightened and ran away. He is like an old maid who is off her schedule. I know someone just like him.

Now for the no guts no glory part of the story. This is the part you will laugh til you cry. At my expense too.

Sunday morning it was cold, dreary and rainy. I was still in my pj's at 10 a.m. Why not, I'm on vacation. I never do this at home anyway. I noticed that Cat Ballou was sitting in the living room windowsill and was getting wet. Mercy, let Granny get that baby inside. I run to the front door and finally get it unlocked, get the storm door opened and call Ballou to get his ass in the house. He saunters up like he is doing me a favor. Looking around the corner of the brick to see what dogs are there to harass him. Now I had no idea what these dogs are in the habit of doing. I yell, Ballou get in the damn house. At that particular moment, the SHIT-SUES run through my legs out on the front porch and Ballou takes off sprinting, jumps up on the chain link fence and swishes his tail at them. They look at him for a second or two and Laurie must have said "let's blow this joint" and off they go. All I could think of was that they would be killed and it would be my fault. I ran back inside for shoes and THE CHASE WAS ON.

Next door to this house is a field full of briars, mud, small trees, and lots of leaves. The dogs are running for their lives, ears blowing in the wind. I am braless, in an orange HARLEY DAVIDSON shirt, plaid pj bottoms and a pair of COWHIDE flats. The back of my hair is flat against my head and the rest is parted down the middle. I am yelling, "Laurie, Cassie, come" -- "Laurie, Cassie, I have treats" - "You Stupid Sons of Bitches". Now it was last Sunday and people were up having breakfast I'm sure and getting ready for church. There was a fat woman running through their yards screaming obscenities at something. Hell, by the time they saw me there were no dogs anywhere in sight. The dogs were long gone. I was just trying to catch my breath. There were 2 houses to go and a hill to climb with a small forest next to the hill. I made it up the hill, yelling just the names of the idiots, trying to compose myself, wipe the rain off my face and slick back my hair. Nobody asked if I'm lost, hurt or crazy nor did I see people peeking out behind their curtains. They were all well hidden. YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE!

I turned and headed back down the hill, hoping my slick shoes don't make me fall and break a hip. God knows nobody would rescue me. I glanced over at the forest and don't see any white IDIOTS and head back towards home. As I rounded the bend there sat the SHIT-SUES in the middle of the road, near the neighbors across the street from Jerry and Dusty. I start calling in my sweetest (very unnatural voice) "Laurie, Cassie, I have a treat." The car in the driveway nearest the dogs starts to back out -- the dogs run up to the car and the guy in the car acted as though he was going run over the little darlings. Off I went running and screaming, the dogs, the dogs, watch out for those dogs. (Probably sounded like "De Plane, De Plane"). By then I was close enough to touch their car and he looks me in the eye as I said "the dogs are stupid, please don't run over them." He slams his car into drive and his wife gives me the EVIL EYE and they fly down the road. What was their problem, Jesus.

I was ready for the BIG STROKE and turned around to try and grab the dogs as they made a dash for the next hill as fast as they could run. Honest to God, their ears were flapping in the wind. Oh, Mother of God. I decided to get my car out of the garage and run over them myself if I found them.

As I was going into the house for a towel to dry off I could hear neighborhood dogs going wild. Not only that, but the Greyhounds were barking like crazy too. Wonder if they had been watching all along from the living room windows? They had front row seats, probably making bets on the SHIT-SUES.

I grabbed a box of treats that would make a loud noise when I shook it out car window. By this time, the dogs have a 10 to 15 minute head start on me.I drove and drove around the neighborhood and no sign of the WHORES anywhere. I was dreading the phone call to the owners. I stopped and asked several people and they hadn't seen the dogs they all said no, but what did they look like and what were their names. Nobody asked me what my name was, where did I live or what was my phone number? Amazing, isn't it.

I had totally given up and was driving home and as I started up the driveway there they sat, happy as can be, on the front lawn. They recognized my car immediately and ran to meet me. I almost cried I was happy to see them. The first thing they did was run right under my front tires -- perfect opportunity to run over their heads, I couldn't -- what Granny could do that. By then they were beginning to piss me off. I finally shook the treats box out the window until they moved enough that I could inch my way up the driveway. Once again, not a neighbor in sight. Unbelievable. Someone was watching, I know it. I felt it. Woman's intuition.

I was able to get my car halfway into the garage without running over them. I jumped out of the car and shook that box of treats til they were begging and crying. CAPTURED AT LAST! They got nothing until they were locked in the house. That finally happened. I was exhausted and wanted to cry. I really wanted a big shot of Vodka, but it was only 11:30 a.m. I would be an alcoholic if I drank before 4 p.m. Those two dogs had damned near turned me into an alcoholic.

When their owner called that afternoon she laughed as I relayed the story. She told me she was sorry that had to happen to me -- but that the girls had done that before. She never thought to tell me it might happen. But that dogs have strong sense of smell and can find their way home. (I'm a cat person - how would I know) She doesn't chase them anymore, she stands on her front porch and waits. Had I known, no one would have seen me in that big ole Harley Shirt, braless with flat, wet hair.

Things went well the rest of the time, lots of laughing and hugging the pooches until it was time for the owners to return. I know the dogs are missing me, but I am sure we will see each other before too long. If they can remember their scent and find their home, they aren't going to forget me soon.

AND BY THE WAY, I COULD NEVER BE A DOG WHISPERER. I do have photos but still have not figured out how to get them to this blog space. I will try to insert them into a separate blog, that way you will have the pleasure of meeting these dogs.

Happy Trails.

Billy Bob's Booze Cruise

Have I mentioned that a day with Barbara is like a week in a Crack House?

This story is set at Claytor Lake near our homes. We usually didn't have enough money between us to go to the Beach for a week; if we found the money, 4 kids would have accompanied us and who wants that? As it was, we each had two aunts in their 70's who couldn't get enough of us. Hell, this time I'm even using real names because you will enjoy it more.

We rented a nice cabin right on the lake. There was a boat dock and a ladder for climbing down in the water or you could run quickly thru some nasty-ass mushy grass and silt.

As I've told you earlier, we both worked at Tech and we planned our vacation together this time. Babs and I both have gills and fins and our main concern was toys for the water. No, I take that back, our main concern was probably having enough booze, food, books and then water toys. I am sure we made a list and checked it twice and still forgot things and had to go home or into town and buy more supplies.

We arrived at the Lake on a Sunday afternoon and we begin unpacking. Of course, the first thing we did, since we were FREE and ALONE, was to mix a drink, the cars could wait. We opened the place up to air out and sat on the screen porch to look at the lake, the boats, the skiers and we think we have died and gone to heaven. Did I mention we were ALONE. Oh, yea, I see I did mention that. First things first though. Babs knew immediately where her blender and tequila and mixers were and her cigarettes. I knew where the tape player/radio was. After all, we do have our priorities. My God, you would think we had never been out of the house the way we acted on those occasions when we did get out and WERE ALONE.

Drinks were frosty and good and the cars eventually got unloaded and we decided we belonged in the water and not in the cabin. That took all of 5 minutes. Well, that took me 5 minutes. Babs takes at least 30 minutes because in between taking off each particle of clothing there is a drink of tequila involved and a puff off of a cigarette. My God, now do you know why I loved giving her permanents??? That was my only revenge and she was so unaware.

By the time Babs was finally ready I probably had guzzled 3 margaritas. I am a guzzler and she talks and smokes in between. Therefore, I was probably on my ass by the time she walked out of her bedroom and said she was ready. I know how men feel after waiting forever on their wives to get ready to go somewhere. Neither Babs nor I are little petite things; Babs is short though and did I mention she WHINES. Off we went with inner tubes to the Lake. In a lake you always wear tennis shoes so you don't cut your feet so I am sure we were a beautiful sight. Two 165 lb (ha, ha, ha)women, inner tubes around their bellies, in tennis shoes, yelling here we come ready or not would be enough to scare snapping turtles out of the lake. I am getting a picture as I type this blog and it makes me laugh. I am sure we stayed out there til we (or at least I) sobered up. We had lots of unpacking and bed making and grilling to do that night. Of course, Kreg would call at least 3 times to see what we "were doing" and then Lucy would be next and Babs wouldn't answer the phone. All of the unpacking was done in between dancing, singing, drinking and eating and laughing.

Babs and I have always been very funny about clean commodes, no matter what we were using them for. One thing I could always count on her for was to make sure if I was going to hug the porcelain that it would be so clean it sparkled. Nothing worse than throwing up in a nasty commode. Remember, I'm a guzzler.

I am certain when daylight broke on Monday morning it was like Christmas for us. We had the cabin on the lake and we had tubes and we were ALONE. Babs also enjoyed her beauty rest and God knows she got enough that she should look like something off the Red Carpet -- NOT! I am sure I had lots of things to entertain me until she awoke and stumbled around and coughed and drank coffee and coughed again.

No doubt about it though Babs had planned this week out. She worked in a department that dealt with computers at Tech. She had brought along several different packaging kits of styrofoam. This was to be configured into a floating dock for our cooler, which would be filled with Margaritas. Not only did she bring the packaging but bungee cords and ski rope. My God, the woman is a genius. I'm so lucky to have married into that family (joke). Our cooler was styrofoam as well so there was a plan and the floating cooler invented and we were PROUD. This time I was sure we didn't run to the Lake but walked carefully so as not to jog our brains loose from the night before when we were ALONE.

Babs did lots of camping and fishing and loved being outdoors. I liked the beach and sunbathing. So she was in charge of tying the ski ropes to the inner tubes as well as the cooler. I never doubted for a moment that she couldn't do it. I trusted her with my life. We had to carry our cooler out, wading thru that nasty silt (you could feel your feet sinking down deep into and wondered what you were stepping on). Once we got ourselves situated in the tubes we proceeded to get the cooler tied in between us. Nobody was going to be separated, from the cooler. Once our large butts got down in those tubes and our knees hung over the top we were once again in Heaven. We sang, and we waved at all the boats that went by and blew their horns at us and LIFE WAS GOOD. Margaritas were excellent, tequila was tasty and I was shit-faced. We both woke up to lots of horn blowing and it was dusk and we had floated out into the middle of the Lake. Yes, we were still tied up to a very, very, very long ski rope. WHO KNEW IT WAS SO LONG. WHO KNEW WE WOULD FALL ASLEEP, WHO KNEW WE WOULD GET SO DRUNK, or sooooooooooo sick. Do you have any idea, no you can't, but try to get an image of two overweight, female turtles on their backs on crack cocaine in the water.

The porcelain was sparkling that night and as well as I can remember it was still sparkling the next morning while I hugged it tightly. Guzzler, remember.

By now, everyone has decided we had BEEN ALONE enough. Lucy, Barbara's aunt finally gets thru and wants to come up and bring things she has made. She was an excellent cook and figured that was her only way to get an invitation. Barbara probably lied to her and told her the phone had been out of order -- no, she probably did and Lucy believed her. Babs was so mad, she saw her every day when she was at home, talked to her 40 times a day and now she could not even have a damned vacation w/o her. I assure Babs it will be fine...not to worry.

I think I forgot to say that Babs had brought along a video camera from her office. So we would have a video of this trip. Of course, Hell will freeze over before Babs ever finds it.

I have my own Aunt Eula. Drop the "e" and you have ULA. I feel that I should invite her up as well, just for the day. She would never spend the night and she isn't a gourmet cook.

Lucy showed up with 3 bright yellow tee shirts that she had had made just for us. They read "Billy Bob's Booze Cruise". Therefore, the title. She was so proud of herself. We made a big deal out of the shirts, the great food, etc. Lucy hit the wine, we all drank and cooked. Babs gets the video camera out and Lucy and I began play acting. The night goes down hill from there. We laughed all night long and everyone woke up with such a headache. Lucy went home that day vowing to come back and I could see that Babs was not happy. Hell, the food was great, use her, let her come back.

Babs was supposed to bring along some porn for us to watch. Her boss was furnishing the camera and the porn for our entertainment. I have never been able to watch porn with Babs. She can't shut her mouth. She kept telling me there's no plot so why can't she talk..her talking sorta ruins it for me. So her boss must have given her 2 or 3 porn tapes and the same amount of blank videos. But we were having too much fun to pay attention to anything other than making sure we didn't drop the camera.

We also had some friends come up one night and Babs informed everyone that I had never been skinny dipping. Unheard of, and that must be remedied immediately. I'm pretty sure that tequila or vodka was once again involved as I remember the lawn being littered with clothes as we all trek down to the Lake. By the time we get down the hill to the Lake we are in our underpants and that's it. It is dark outside, except there is a dusk-to-dawn light on the dock. There were always boats fishing on the lake at night -- what were we thinking or were we thinking at all? We hit the water and it was freezing and we had no shoes on, gooey water near the bank and as we began coming out of the underwear, we both fell in and jumped up as someone took a picture. God, I took off running up the hill, underwear around my ankles, what a sight. By the time all of us girls got back to the house we were hurting from laughter.

Someone had loaned us several big floats. One of those was a whale and the other was an alligator. I believe Frank, my son, took videos of us trying to get on those. If we just had that damn tape Babs! Nobody was drunk and that that was hysterical.

The week was winding down, Kreg had come and gone home (checking on us, under the pretense of fishing); friends had visited and we had skinny dipped (sorta) and we had good tans to show off back at work.

Aunt Eula is invited along with Lucy and another older couple that Barbara knew. We had a huge lunch and lots of laughs and told lots of lies and embellished lots of stories I am sure. Babs wanted to show them how much fun we had really had. She said I have a video of our good times. Let me get it.

We all take our ice tea into the living room and find a seat and wait for the movie. The video is hilarious, we are all laughing, our sides are hurting and then, at the same time, Babs and I see, the porn movie is on, a woman is moaning, her legs are spread and a man's head is between them. We almost knock each other down in the middle of the room trying to turn off the TV. She made it.

Thank God they were old, deaf and blind. They had no clue, Barbara and I were hysterical and couldn't quit laughing and the older folks kept saying "What, What" did we miss something? Babs said no, you didn't miss a damn thing. Little did they know. Had they seen they wouldn't have known. Babs and I still laugh about it to this day. We could relive it all over again if she could find the damn tape.

Since the day we left the lake I haven't had a taste of tequila and swore I never would again!

The Honeymoon

I realize now that this should have been the first blog of all. I never plan ahead. I have been thinking for several weeks now that I have run out of blog subjects and wondering how can that be. Before I started all of this writing I thought I had years worth of tales to spin. So tonight as I am sitting with the dogs next door it dawned on me that I do have more. I will start with the Honeymoon. I might sometime want to go back and relive the wedding but that will take some long, hard thinking. That's a lot to share with strangers and some of it is ugly and most of them are dead.

I might as well use the husband's name rather than to continue and call him the husband. I don't think he can sue me. Well, not yet anyway. His name is Kreg.

My brother, whose name "was" Connie and who "was" married to Connie Sue, was a character. His name for Kreg was "Candy Ass". My brother was a "Smart Ass" and that runs in my family.

My brother and his wife had eloped in South Carolina, I think in 1961. So he was an old married man and quiet the expert on marriage by the time Kreg and I got married in December, 1962. Connie and Kreg had become friends and they both loved to hunt, fish and hang around together when there was time (when Connie had time -- remember Kreg watched lots of soap operas). Connie, at the time Kreg and I got married, was a Deputy Sheriff for the County.

As a Deputy Sheriff he traveled alot and met lots of people through his work. He was a gregarious person, knew lots of people and everyone liked him. Well, I guess those that he arrested or gave tickets to didn't care for him. Anyway, the point is that he new where to hunt, where to fish or where to eat....anything you needed to know, he could help.

So for our Honeymoon, we decided to rent a elegant lake front home 25 miles from our hometown. We had a December wedding and it was cold, so there would be no swimming or sunbathing and my idea and Kreg's idea of a honeymoon were a little different. I didn't learn that until we left our reception and headed for the lake front home.

Oh my God, we were both so excited (I think) and I must have had 2 cups of rice in my french twist hairdo. It was dark by the time we got to the Lake and found the keys and began our first night as newlyweds. We had plenty of booze, snacks and food for for a week. I remember the next morning we awoke to someone beating on the front door and it sounded more like someone was trying to break in.

Kreg got out of bed to peep out the windows to see if he could see who it was. As he got near the door, Connie yells "CANDYASS GET UP", Kreg ran barefoot to the door and made him get in before he woke up the neighbors. My brother came thru the house yelling "Lydia, Lydia you ok, you up"? I remember laughing and shaking my head and as I did, rice started falling all over the bed. I was up and dressed and went into the kitchen as they were both trying to figure out how to make coffee. I asked Connie what on earth he was doing at the Lake and on my Honeymoon? He explained that he and Kreg had plans to go duck hunting. Well that was news to me. That was not the way I thought you spent a Honeymoon, going separate ways.

After the guys got the coffee perking and Connie was fixing breakfast, Kreg dressed and got his hunting gear from the car. Hmmmm, he had a plan after all. Boy was I in the dark. I think I just smiled and went along with it -- glad that everyone was happy. There were magazines for me to read all over the house and besides I had to figure out what the hell to do with my hair, other than comb the rice out.

I think Connie and Kreg were gone about 3 hrs and when they returned freezing and bitching because they sat in a duck blind in sleet and were frost bitten. They wanted me to fix them soup and sandwiches to warm them up. Wait a minute, what on earth was wrong with me. I am sure I hurried and fixed them a hot lunch but then when I looked into the sink and saw the two dead ducks they left there I cried and cried. There was no need to kill those two little ducks. My God, we didn't need food, we weren't starving. Those assholes, they killed for fun. Then they made fun of me -- that's why you go duck hunting.

They ate and got warm and went back for more. Yes, I got dumber while they ate. I had decided that since the ducks were dead I would be a good wife. Jesus, I can hardly believe I am telling anyone this story. Not only was I dumb I was SICK! I remember as a child when my mother would fry chicken for lunch on Sundays. My grandfather raised chickens (and we lived in Town) and he would chop the head off of a chicken and throw the flapping headless chicken at me (probably the fear I have) and then later on my Mother would pull the feathers off the chicken and what she didn't pull off she would burn off with a newspaper. Do you have any idea where this is going? I bet not.

So after looking at the pitiful ducks in the sink I picked one up. Oh it was awful, who feels my pain? Anyone? So I held the duck by it's little webbed feet and tried to pull the feathers out. That's not easy to do. My Mother made it look really easy. I got a newspaper and sat at the table in the kitchen and put the duck on the table in hopes it would be easier that way. I didn't dare call my Mother and tell her what I was doing on my Honeymoon (either way...ducks or no ducks). We would both have been horrified. Sitting at table was no better. Those damned feathers were not coming out. Maybe duck feathers and chicken feathers are different -- ducks stay in the water all the time. It was time to go to Plan B. I decided to look for scissors. Found a pair of them rather quickly. Added more paper to the table and the second duck. By that time I was over the ducks being dead. I just wanted to get the damned feathers off the ducks and prep them for cooking, like a good wife would do.

It took quite a while to get all those feathers cut off. The heads were flopping all around each time the bird was turned. Had to do the neck and the butt (not pretty) and the belly feathers. The neck and belly feathers were very short anyway. Now Plan C was going be relatively easy, or so I thought. How hard could be burning the rest of the feathers off? I'd seen it done many Sundays. Piece of cake. Search was on for matches, cigarette lighter and more newspaper. That's the way Mother did it. She would roll a newspaper up so that it would stay lit for a long time, long enough to burn all the feathers off. Well, I decided I would use one big paper roll per duck.

This was during a time when everyone smoked. There were no lighters or wood matches anywhere. I found a single book of matches. There were 3 paper matches in the book. Damn, that wouldn't work. I knew something would go wrong and I would be out of fire. So I opened every drawer in that house. No matches (can you imagine) but lots of candles. Off to the kitchen I went with candle and candle holder. Lit the candle and made sure it had a good wick and once I realized it was going to burn for awhile and I grabbed a duck. The candle sat firmly on the table and I held the first duck by its head and feet and rolled it over and over the candle flame, like a rotisserie. By God, it worked. It worked but..... the house was filling up with smoke and feathers and I was choking on both. What the hell. This never happened to my Mother but she never did it inside. So I propped all the doors open in the house and some of the smoke and feathers went out, but not alot.

The house smelled like someone had set my hair on fire. God it was awful. So I took the duck out on the screened-in porch and put it on a newspaper. The other duck was on it's own. If they wanted the ducks fixed then by God, they could fix them. I was really distraught. I had my hopes set on having the ducks all ready for them to cook and eat when they returned.

Well when they finally did return, it was dark outside, all the doors were propped open and the house still smelled like burnt hair and all this little fuzz (called down) was still flying around. Connie and Kreg both came in yelling and asking me what the hell happened and WHAT HAD I BURNED. I told them the story and I cried and cried. They laughed and they laughed. Then they drank bourbon from the bottle to warm up and they laughed some more. Connie explained to me that I was right about our Mother doing that. But what she was burning was the pin feathers. NOT THE FEATHERS. He said that what I had done was classic and that I had outdone myself. The worst part was that the ducks were wood ducks and not edible anyway.

Connie Sue came that night to spend the night (on our Honeymoon) and we all got drunk and we all laughed at my screw-up. We cleaned the house before we got drunk though. The next morning, after everyone had coffee and aspirin and decided we might live, we laughed again. Later in the morning Connie yelled, "Candy, Ducks on the Water, Ducks on the Water". Stupid us, we all ran to look. There were always ducks on the water, it was a lake. To this day, when I see ducks on the water I want to yell out "Candy, Ducks on the Water."

By weeks end the smell was gone and hopefully all the feathers. This month will be the 46th anniversary of that Honeymoon and I bet somewhere in that house you can still find duck down.