ON THE BACK OF A HARLEY

It had been a longtime dream of mine to ride a Harley, as a driver or a passenger, it didn't matter. This was prior to my taking the motorcycle course at the Community College.

Judy Faye called me one afternoon in to see if I would like to go for a bike ride. HELL YES, I replied. She said well put on some jeans and get over here. WHOOOOOOO HOOOOOOO. Jeans, hmmmmmm I wondered if I even had a pair I could get my big butt into. I found some jeans and a flannel shirt. Of course I couldn't tell the husband, he would have gone into some kind of spasms and had to be killed immediately. Off to Judy's I went.

Seems that her sister, Janis' boyfriend, Richard was going to take me for a ride. God knows the stories those two had told him. I had met him a couple of times and thought he was an ass.

I pulled up in the driveway at Judy's and saw a apple red Harley. WOW! I was impressed. I had my camera and took some photos of the bike, Judy took some of me on the bike and some of me on the back of the bike with Richard. We chatted for awhile and I thanked him profusely for the opportunity. He had very little to say. Told me he would show me where to put my feet and hands. Okay, I was ready to rumble.

Richard got on the bike and revved the engine which was music to my ears. I love loud engines, the louder the better. (remember I am also deaf) So Richard showed me the foot plate and said for me to step up on my left foot and throw my right leg over the seat. That was not that easy. My right leg weighs a whole lot. I had no idea how heavy it was. It weighed so much that Janis had to help me throw it over. How embarrassing. It's hard to be cool sometimes. So I wondered where in the hell I was going to hold on. There was a sissy bar behind me but that felt awkward. Janis said "I hold on to his belt" -- I told her I didn't know him that well. So I had a few choices of places to hang on. Around his waist, his belt or the sissy bar. Well I knew that I could really hang on tight if my arms were around his waist, but then, my boobs would be pressing up against his back.....not good. I opted for the belt.

Revved up and ready we pulled out of the yard. No hearing aids, because they buzz inside a helmet and when Richard turned his head sideways to speak to me I was practically crawling on his shoulder to hear. So I had assumed we would ride around the campus and thru downtown and head home. WRONG!!! We go the opposite way and get on the bypass. I love speed and noise, so I was in heaven. Then I started to get concerned. Where in the hell were we going so fast? My family had no idea where I was or what I was doing. I crawled up on Richard's back and asked where we were going. He yelled back that we were going up to Mountain Lake. A long drive up a curvy mountain on a two lane road. I get car sick -- I am sure I get motorcycle sick too. It was probably snowing on the mountain and I did not want to travel that road. I finally told him I was not happy with that idea, and to go somewhere less dangerous. He laughed.

Well Richard did not take me up the mountain but instead on a "KYA" road to a country town with a gas station and 2 beer joints. On the way to New Castle we went around curves almost lying down on the road. The first time he went around one of those KYA turns I leaned into it (as you should), but I put my right foot down exactly where he was leaning the bike towards. He yelled to never do that again. AYE AYE, Sir. While we drove along this road it was amazing. The smells of honeysuckle, grass and even a skunk. It is so unlike a car ride where you are all closed up. You feel free as a bird.

Once we got into the center of New Castle Richard drove towards a couple who were getting ready to get on their motorcycle. I guess it is a biker thing and we rode towards them to chat. I was on the back still and he had his feet down keeping us steady. I'm thinking, how cool I must look on the back of my honey's hawg..... Get a grip was my next thought. Richard asked about the Poker Run and whether or not they were going to participate. I had no clue what a Poker Run was and didn't really care but thought I should. We told them goodbye and they headed in the opposite direction. Richard turned and told me were were going to go South and find some beer joint and have a beer. WHAAAAAAT????? I don't drink beer nor do I drive or ride with people that do. Oh My God -- what a fine mess I have gotten myself into now. I can see the headlines now, Married woman and younger man killed as their motorcycle ran off the mountain. They were drunk. You cannot imagine what was going thru my head. Richard told me that a Poker Run was when a bunch of bikers went from bar to bar playing poker and drinking. Oh, what fun that would be.

We drove to the first beer joint and it was closed. I said THANK YOU JESUS, under my breath. I should not have gotten so hopeful, 5 miles away was another beer joint and it was open. Richard pulled the bike right up to the front door. There are 3 teenage boys sitting up against the window smoking. I knew they were so jealous of Richard for having a Hawg and a Woman to ride with. GET A GRIP -- my mind was not working right that day, fantasy land again. Richard kicks the kickstand down and tells me to get off first. Hell, that was a lot easier said than done. Who was gonna lift my leg off? I told him I didn't think I could get my leg over the other side. He laughed and said lean up against me. Put your hands on my shoulders and kick your leg back. It worked -- was that cool or what, him telling me in front of the teenage boys how to get off the damned bike.....UNREAL. I am soooooooo cool. I was so cool that I had a hard time getting my helmet off of my big, sweaty head. I hurt my ears. WHO KNEW? Speaking of a sweaty head I had no idea how bad it looked. I had to walk by a mirror thru the "restaurant" into the bar. I looked like I had been waterboarded. Still cool tho. The bar was dark and some old toothless wonder guy asked how we were doing. I by then had a pole up my butt and was not speaking to anyone. This could be right out of the movie Deliverance, for all we knew. Back to the bar and there were two big window fans sitting on the bar, Thank God for that. Maybe my hair would dry out and the sweat would dry up in my ears. I have always wanted to sit at a bar and drink a long neck beer. I don't even like beer, remember, but still I had always wanted to. Well little did I know that Judy Faye had told Richard about the bar, and the beer. So as far as Richard knew, he was granting my wishes. I was pissed because he assumed he could just take me in that bar and two that he would drink a beer and drive and think that I would accompany him. NO WAY JOSE. So the bartender asked what we would like and Richard ordered "a long neck bud" and the fellow looked at me. The pole was still in place (even tho I was sitting on a bar stool)and I said NOTHING. Richard wanted to know why I didn't want a beer. Ms. Pole up the Butt said "I DON'T DRINK BEER". Well that was the truth but you know, when in Rome..... I was sorry that I had not gotten a coke or something as the sweat kept rolling. The guy came by and said here's a coke on the house. He had to have known I was so uncomfortable, especially with that pole. I really needed to go to the bathroom but there was no way in hell I was even going to look for a bathroom in the place. Pole is still there. Richard tells the bartender he would like another beer. I nearly fell off the damned stool. WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT? Two beers, my life is in his hands and he is going to kill me. OH JESUS, I was praying silently that if the Lord would just let me get home safely I would never, ever, do this again. We sat there in this dark, dank hot bar and didn't speak. He had no personality anyway and we hardly knew each other... nothing to say. THEN, he asked if I had any money, he wanted another beer. I said NO I DO NOT!!! Pole was really in tight by then. Richard said well if I can't have another beer we might as well leave.

Out the door we go and the teenage boys are still there, didn't steal the bike or anything. It was going to be really hard for me to be cool when I couldn't throw my leg over the bike by myself. Richard was going to have to throw his big leg over first and I had just hurt my ears trying to get the helmet on. Richard reminded me I had stand on the foot stand and lean on him (OH GOD). That done, we peeled out of the gravel lot headed in the wrong direction. I yelled at Richard and asked where we were going. He said we were going down Catawba Mountain into Salem, Va. WHYYYYYYYYY I asked. It's a nice ride he yelled back. Well as we started down the mountain it began to rain. GREAT I THOUGHT. The roads will be slippery and we will die for sure. These are guilty thoughts, I realized. That's what happens when you sneak and you don't have any fun. So we are riding in the rain and headed the wrong way from home. The rain did eventually stop and we weren't too wet. That was the good news.
The bad news I realized was that we were going home on the INTERSTATE. OH MY GOD. Interstate 81 is a death trap in a car, not to mention a damned motorcycle.

So we left the small town of Salem and roared up a ramp onto the Interstate. I was holding on for dear life. Then I thought my God, I will probably pass my son on this road. Worry, Worry, Worry. Little did I know I had more to worry about. The rain had started up again (lightly) and Richard decides to pass all the trucks on the Interstate. You know how scary it is to pass one of these 18 wheelers if you are in a car -- if you are in the passenger seat, it is scarier. Well we were up close and personal with those 18 wheels going 70 miles per hour and we were keeping up. I did a whole lot of praying the rest of the way home. It was a 35 minute ride once we got on the Interstate and it was a hairy ride at that. Once we got off of the Interstate I started to relax, like it was okay to die close to home!

We arrived back at Judy's safe and sound and she took another picture. I wanted to go home and drink a huge mixed drink and pass out. Maybe I would wake up and realize it was a bad dream. I thanked Richard and got in my car and went home to unwind. It wasn't til later on that I learned about what Judy had told Richard and then I wanted to kill her all over again. It would have been perfect if Richard had driven me through Town or around campus and brought me home.

The bad thing is that I am sure I ruined Richard's outing by being such an ass and I am sorry for that. The good thing is that we were not killed and I am thankful for that. Home never looked so good.

Happy Trails

ELVIS, WE'RE COMING

I cannot believe that I typed this whole blog last night and instead of saving it, I erased it. There was no way in hell that I could ever retrieve it. Believe me I tried. I saved it as I went too! Color me ANGRY!

After we returned home from Connecticut we had one day to do laundry and repack. This trip has been planned for quiet some time. The Memphis Blues and Jazz Festival. Judy found it on the Internet and since we love Blues and Jazz and Memphis -- WHY NOT GO! We got on line and purchased $75 tickets. That covered Friday, Saturday and Sunday. Man, we were excited.

Judy's sister Janis, was going on the trip with us. Judy (the rich one) has two Cadillacs: an older one that is HUGGGGGE; the second one 3 yrs old but small. The new one is not very comfortable either. Hard seats require puffy pillows for our large butts. Therefore, the older Caddy was going to be our chariot to Memphis. Wednesday morning the girls picked me up and we were all giddy. Roserita, our GPS, was ready and willing to lead us on. We laughed and joked for miles and then settled down.

I noticed as we drove that anytime we got quiet or if I happened to nod off, Judy ran over the grids on the shoulder and jarred us back to normal. I noticed this off and on all the way down there. I called her attention to it and she laughed. I said you know, you did the same thing when we went to Connecticut. So obviously she DOES NOT WANT ME TO HAVE A NAP. Sometimes I tell her she has sleep apnea. I don't think she really does but I try and scare her anyway. So we all had to be very alert and aware on the interstate driving with Judy.

As we got further into Tennessee, Janis mentioned that a mutual friend, Tracey, had mentioned we should stop in Buck Snort, Tennessee. She and her husband had been intrigued by the name when they saw the road sign and stopped. They found a "restaurant" and took a break and had homemade pie. Well, what the hell we are always up for pie. We saw the sign, Buck Snort 1 mile ahead and we all perked up. Judy whipped the Caddy down the ramp and there was nothing, zip, zilch. She made a quick U turn and low and behold we saw it in the distance. In front of the restaurant were two 18 wheelers with their motors running. So I guess the drivers were sleeping. Since this was Janis' idea we made her walk up the steps to see if the place was open. It looked closed but we just weren't sure and there was no need for all of us to get out. Janis is always a good sport and she hopped out and skipped up the steps. At the door she stood and read some poster on the glass. We wondered whether it was a WANTED poster or what. It was a pretty spooky area and we were surrounded by mountains and woods. So Janis finally opens the door and disappears. I said "what if she never comes out"? This could easily be like PSYCHO. In a minute or two Janis was standing at the big picture window waving us in.

So we slowly got out of the car and tried to straighten up and walk like normal people. Finally walked in and the place was huge. The waitress and Janis were the only ones in there. The waitress said to take any table we liked. There was a huge television mounted on the wall and we took a table for 12 and huddled together. We told the waitress we were there for pie. She let us know she only had a few pieces. I got pecan and Judy and Janis both got coconut custard. I had to have coffee and thank God I did. That was the driest pecan pie I had ever had. It was not good and if it was homemade, I would never admit it. Oh, I forgot to mention that all of the walls were covered with stuffed animals -- dead stuffed animals. Not really something that I enjoy looking at while I eat, or any other time. We probably spent a whole 20 minutes there and rushed to the car. We departed Buck Snort in a hurry.

It took us a long time to get to Memphis (and we were staying outside of Memphis (in Mississippi). We always stay in Mississippi because the first few times we could not find a room in Memphis. So we liked the area and it was a short drive to the city so that's what we normally do. So after 12 hours we arrived at our motel. It was a Comfort Inn but it was really a dump. I had kept asking Judy questions about it and she said look at the website. Couldn't tell very much but it was not the best place we have ever stayed in. The one saving grace was that the motel was right behind a WAFFLE HOUSE. YAYYYYYY. Pecan waffles, hash browns, grits. So we were all grinning from ear to ear. We would go to bed happy.

The next morning we decided we would have breakfast at the Waffle House on our way to Memphis. It was a beautiful day and we were going to take Janis on a quick tour of Memphis and Graceland. We informed her that we had been in Graceland and had no intention of ever going back. We would certainly wait for her to take the grand tour too. She said if we didn't like it she probably wouldn't either. We purchased some souvenirs in the gift shop there, had lunch in a "drugstore" with Formica tables and a soda fountain. As we left the area Janis was able to see the airplane Elvis had named for Lisa Marie. Down on the tail there was a logo "TCB" with a lightning bolt thru the middle. TCB, we learned, stands for TAKING CARE OF BUSINESS. On the road again, headed in search of the festival site and Beale Street.

Of course, prior to seeing Beale Street Judy managed to take us into the projects and by the dumpsters several times. I told Janis that was par for the course and she mumbled something about her sister's "problems". Drove over the bridge into Arkansas, because we could. Nothing there but gas stations and fast food. We were almost out of gas when we crossed the line and we had to hunt for Judy's favorite brand. Gassed up we headed back across the river into Memphis. Parked in our usual parking garage and made the walk to Beale Street. Janis loved it immediately. Street was blocked off and loud music surrounds you immediately. There are signs everywhere for "BIG ASS BEER", which I guess means the container. We aren't beer drinkers so we never found out. We walked down to the end of the street where several motorcycle cops were guarding the street. No cars allowed. Judy insisted I take a photo of the cops...you know we love'em. That done we started back up the hill and saw the young boys doing there thing. There are usually 5 or 6 black kids that are out on the street performing for money. They are awesome, all of them. They do flips from the top of Beale to the bottom. They have a tip jar in the street for tips, of course. I had my new FLIP and took a video of that. There was great blues music coming from an area by one particular bar. Janis led the way, got us a seat on one of the picnic benches and we settled down for some great entertainment. We listened to a female singer that was very good and Janis even bought one of her CD's. She handed Janis a photo of herself and got her lipstick out of her bra and covered her lips and kissed the photo -- WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT, we didn't want that. We sat thru several songs before we decided to mosey on up the street. Checked out some more bars and headed for the car.

We headed back to the hotel for a nap and some wine. Later on we decided to check out a barbecue restaurant we had heard about and even seen on the Food Network channel. Judy was dying for some ribs and I wanted barbecue. Our waitress was probably around 19 or 20 and had a real attitude problem. She showed us to our boothe and acted like it killed her to move. I commented on that and Judy told me to calm down and behave. 20 minutes later she graced us with her presence to take our order. I asked for coffee and she said we don't have any. I said now or ever? She replied "EVER". I wanted to fix her attitude with a tire tool. She never came back to check on us, see if we wanted anything else, drinks or the bill. We finally had to go to the register to pay. The manager looked aggravated that we didn't have the bill and that he had to chase her down to get it. She glared at us. Judy and Janis got change and walked back and left her a tip -- GUESS WHO DID NOT LEAVE A TIP. You got it. ME! Back we to the hotel we went, bellies full and chins greasy.

The next morning was Friday, the first day of the Blues Festival. James Taylor and Bonnie Raitt were two of the headliners. Of course, they were not performing until Saturday night. But the program we had looked great. We had no idea what to expect. On our drive-by we had seen several large white tents set up in the park down by the river and several stages set up on the grounds.

We opened the hotel door to check the weather and DAMN, it was pouring rain. Just our luck we all said. Why Us? Janis said never fear -- she was prepared. She brought huge black garbage bags for us. I swear to God, they were 6 ft long. Judy happened to have some scissors and we were able to fashion rain suits for ourselves. Janis, the smart one, brought a hooded raincoat with her from home and Judy did have two umbrellas in the Caddy. Judy had read all the information about parking, trolley, buses, etc. We parked near the PYRAMID (by the bridge) and waited on the trolley car. I hoped I didn't get car sick (or would it be trolley sick). We stood under a trolley gazebo and waited for about 20 minutes for the trolley. The excitement was building and we were acting stupid. 50 cents for a trolley ride to the park and we were on our way. Still raining and we were still pissed. When we exited the trolley it was nowhere near where we thought we would be let off. Rather than inside the park area, we were let off at the top of the hill and had about 40 steps to try and get down with our garbage bags on. Judy had on a long dress and she couldn't see her feet. Janis guided her down the steps because we didn't want to loose the driver of the Big Ole Caddy. I (the pretty one) held on to the railing and prayed I didn't fall down the steps and die in a damned garbage bag. Suffice it to say, we all made it down safely, none the worse.

Once on the park grounds we had to find our tickets inside our purses, inside our garbage bags. I was already sweating and we had just gotten there. Rain was still pouring and we were still pissed to the tune of $75. We walked into the first tent we came to and music was blaring. The entrance was at the rear of the tent and there was no way that we could even see who was singing. Nobody important since there were no signs anywhere. God, it gets hot in a tent when you are wearing a 6ft black garbage bag. I was in and out of there in a heartbeat. I watched some group on one of the outside stages performing and realized most of the people standing in the rain watching and listening were holding up their beer bottles and swaying to the music. Beer, liquor....hmmm. I was really in no mood. Our feet were wet and it was a cold rain. Judy and I found a picnic table to sit on and Janis said she would scope the place out and see if there was anything we needed to see or hear. She came back with a mixed drink and shared with me. Other people were impressed (I guess) with our garbage bags too. We kept getting the Fonzie thumbs up or a "cool man" from various drunks. We were probably in the park for an hour (maybe) and decided we were done. We looked everywhere for a way out of that Park that didn't involve steps. Unless we were in a car and driving we were going back up those 45 steps, in our 6 ft. garbage bags. I was really sweating by this time. Judy was praying that the Lord would let her make it up the last step without falling backwards or tripping on her dress. He answered our prayers, except for the rain.

Back to the room for some wine and crackers and fruit. It took a long time to warm our bodies and during the warm up Janis decides she would like to go to a mall.
Hell with that Judy and I said. Janis whined and we gave in. We had nothing else to do and there were only 5 channels on the TV in the hotel. We hurried thru the rain to the car and headed out to look for a mall. I was pretty sure I could get us to a mall. I was WRONG! We drove for an hour on every back road in Mississippi. Nadda, Nothing, No Malls. Then we decided the malls were closing and we would head home. Guess what. We left Roserita at home, by herself. No way were we able to find our hotel. Off and on interstate ramps, little towns....where in the hell were we? I finally made Judy (the man) stop so I could ask directions. Would you believe that nobody knew the name of our town, street, hotel? Unreal. I asked a guy sitting in his car, he had no clue. We drove around for 30 more minutes and rode right by the deli mart where nobody had a clue. I made Judy (the man) drive up near the gas tanks so I can ask someone else. The person I chose knew exactly where we wanted to go and how to get there. YAYYYY for our side. Roserita had been very helpful and we now knew we would be "lost" without her. Found the hotel, piled out of the car, everyone was tired by then and we went to bed.

The next morning I awoke to Janis and Judy laughing out loud. They said I had been talking in my sleep and even sat up, flipped open my cell phone and said something, shut it and began talking again. They were impressed that I could do that in my sleep. They said I talked alot in my sleep but nothing made any sense. THANK GOD.... That was our laugh for the day. We decided to hell with the festival, we weren't doing that again. If the rain stopped and the sun came out -- then we would discuss it. One of the hotel maids told us that it has rained every time that festival has been held. Wish we had known that when we decided to buy tickets. Sounds like curse to me.

That was the extent of our activities and Sunday morning we packed up and loaded the car. Roserita was plugged in and the windshield wipers were wiping. It was a dreary day from the get go and we chatted for awhile and then it got quiet. Guess who started running off the road -- You got it ---- JUDY (the sleepy one). I was cussing up a storm. I cannot remember whether I took over or whether Janis did. Judy said she was sorry but the rain and the car movement made her sleepy. So she took the shotgun seat and slept all the way until we made a pit stop or stopped for food. We did stop at some little hole in the wall town, nope not Buck Snort, and drove up a steep hill to a Taco Bell. We all had our burritos and one of the guys working there walked by and asked if everything was OK. Judy said yes, but where are we. I wish you could have seen his face. He said TACO BELL. Then we all burst out laughing. We knew what she meant (we are psychic)-- He probably thought we were boozers. Judy finally told him she wanted to know the name of the town. Then he was embarrassed.

Bellies full and bladders emptied we headed for the Interstate. Judy was asleep almost instantly and tried to hold her head up and act as though she was awake -- but you don't snore when you are awake -- well, at least I don't. The traffic was terrible and there was just enough rain to have to run the wipers and to know that the road was slick and we had to slow down.

We made it home safely and unloaded the car and dropped me off. It felt good to be home.

We are already planning our next trip. We loved Kentucky and the the racetracks and thoroughbreds running in the pastures. We hope to have enough money to go to a race there too. Keep your fingers crossed.

Happy Trails

CONNECTICUT OR BUST

After a quick beach trip to see George Jones and visit our friends, Janice and Bob, we were ready for a big trip. We had finally conquered the GPS, now referred to as Roserita. We left Blacksburg at 8 a.m. a feat in itself for two old broads; it was a plan that worked.

We talked about heading north and meeting my daughter's new in-laws and the good times we would have. You wonder how on earth best friends can talk forever and never get bored -- we do it all the time. Laughter gets in the way sometimes. I truly meant to take notes so that I wouldn't forget anything, but that did not happen. We had AAA Trip Tixs and maps and did not plan to get lost. Would you believe AAA messed up? I SWEAR I WOULD NEVER HAVE BELIEVED IT. It happened in just before we got to the N.Y. state line. We never found the Exit they referenced and then we backtracked for about 10 miles. Judy is so like a man; she would not ask for directions no matter what. While we looked at the map and talked I saw a young man in a truck in the lot we were in. He was local. I asked him how to get to the particular exit -- his answer was "I DON'T KNOW", I asked if he knew the road -- he said "NO", I finally asked him where the hell he was from. He said "HERE". I thanked him and we drove back and realized we were right all along and we were crossing the State Line into New York. YAHOOOOO. Well that Yahoo was short lived. We were in New York Hell, 5 O'clock traffic that went on and on for 2 1/2 hours. We inched along with the natives and watched unbelievable behavior by bus drivers, teenagers and adults. Pretty damn scary too.

We were totally exhausted by the time we reached our Connecticut destination. Thank God for Roserita, she got us there in one piece. We checked into our Comfort Inn and found everything to our liking. We didn't even unpack. We collapsed into our beds. Karman's flight had gotten in on time but she was exhausted as well. Seems she had to share most of her seat with a overly obese man and she could never get comfortable and that went on for hours. He should have been made to purchase two seats -- I thought that was a rule now..... She told me she was planning on writing a letter and complaining, I doubt she did tho. She was just glad to be off that plane and away from him. I never miss a chance to write a letter (good or bad).

Everyone got some rest and Bridget, her mother Diane and Karman came to the hotel to pick us us. It was a great meet and greet. Diane and I hit it off just fine and Diane wanted to take us all to the Yankee Candle Factory. I thought we were gonna make candles but instead it was a huge store to buy anything your heart desired in the way of decor and candles. We were lucky Bridget had been there and knew (1) where the bathrooms were and (2) the fudge shop. Lots of things were purchased and Diane was so happy to have company with her at one of her favorite stores. I loved listening to Diane talk. Caw for car, sar for saw, and the list goes on and on. She didn't mind the ribbing at all and didn't even make fun of my accent. A clerk in the Candle factory did ask if I was from TEXAS. I said "I wish, cause I love Texas". She was from LONG ISLAND.

The Cracker Barrel gave us fuel to carry on. Karman was dying for biscuits and gravy. Her Southern food. We even stocked up on candy and cards from Cracker Barrel before we headed home. Diane sang for us and she had a beautiful voice. I asked if she was going to sing at the party and she said I was such a kidder. I purchased several small candles in jars and they smelled so good. I decided to open one up and light it the next morning. It was named Key Lime Pie. Oh My God, it smelled like a lime. So I had a lighter and lit the wick and we enjoyed the aroma for an hour or two. Then we all headed out for the day. Yep, you got it. I left the damned candle burning for 7 hrs. When we walked in our room that night, the first thing I smelled was the lime. I said OH GOD -- sure enough. I could have burned the whole place down. Someone was watching over me that day. Later on that night in between snacking and watching TV, I got up to go use the telephone. I reached for the phone and knocked that candle off of the nightstand and all over my bed, the bedskirt and the carpet. Judy was worried she would be charged for it since the room was in her name. I said we will deny doing it. Of course, the maid had been in that room as we left (we saw her) and she had to smell and see the burning candle. Later on I got some paper towels and the iron and got most of the wax off of the carpet. The sheet was easy but that bedskirt was a bitch. I hope the people who do laundry were able to get it out. I still cannot believe I was that stupid.

Bridget is a comedian and had two shows in Boston that week. One before we arrived and another the day after we arrived. Judy and I talk a good game -- we are such pussies. We said hell no, we weren't going to a show that didn't start until 9 p.m. and stay til 11 or 12 and drive 2 hrs from Boston back to Connecticut. One week before we were going to do that and so much more. Instead, Karman, Bridget and another comedian, Daniel, left early for the gig and Judy and I piddled around and got the GPS ready to take us to Boston, sightseeing. GODDDDDDDDDDDD! Well Roserita did get us to Boston safely. We had no plan for when we got there (story of our life). So we drove thru the projects, by dumpsters, the ghetto, the harbor, the main street in Boston and everywhere else. We saw lots of sights from the inside of the car but as usual, we didn't get out of the car. What's wrong with that picture? We're idiots and we know it. Boston was HUGE and we found a huge Park and missed the entry into that so we continued to sight see. I could people watch for days on end. Love it. We survived and made it back to Connecticut in time for dinner.

In the midst of getting ready to have over 50 people invade their home, Diane and Larry had to purchase a new refrigerator, freezer and stove. You have to be able to go with the flow to handle that kind pressure, new appliances, delivery men and boarding your dogs. They were in the process of remodeling their kitchen but that did not include new appliances quite that soon. Good people...they survived and things were fine.

That evening we met Bridget's dad, Larry and more of Bridget's relatives. Everyone was there for the party and to lend a hand to our hosts. My God, we learned the Wedding Reception was going to be catered by an Italian Restaurant -- IS THAT GREAT OR WHAT? A neighbor was making the wedding cake, canolli by another friend and Diane was doing the punch. God, I love punch -- the kind with ginger ale and sherbet. I always overdo on punch. There were so many other things to fill the mouth with that I didn't have time to linger on that punch. There were anti pasta trays, garlic bread, manicotti and an eggplant dish. It couldn't have been better.

The crowd arrived and everyone met everyone else and put the southerners together with the northerners (YANKEES). The house was overflowing with champagne and laughter. Photo ops were taken and little children roamed the house, peeking in every drawer.

I had let my hair grow really long and God only knows why. I decided to have my hairdresser, Kevin, give me a trim so I looked lovely for my girl. He did his best. I was still sweating like a whore in church. There were way too many people
inside and outside which made it hard to cool down. The weather was perfect for an outdoor event. Not only was I sweating, but I managed to drag my right boob and arm thru some of the manicotti sauce (something to eat later). It never fails, I always spill shit on myself. I should carry a cute bib everywhere I go and get over myself -- it's inevitable.

I also had the chance to meet Patti's new girlfriend, Kelly. I have kidded Patti about dating an older woman for months and now it was time to meet her face to face. She was a great sport about it and also about being from Arkansas. Patti is from Boston, so I get to give her hell all the time. What fun to hook up with old friends again.

Larry gave a wonderful toast to Bridget and Karman and everyone shed a tear or two. The only thing more perfect was how beautiful Karman and Bridget looked. Hope I can do the picture thing this time?? Don't hold your breath. Anyway, they looked like models and it took my breath away to see them so happy and beautiful. They were meant for each other. They will have been married a year in August.

The party continued for several hours and several of us started cleaning up. Imagine that I was in charge of champagne bottles and glasses off of the deck. Wow, there were 5 full glasses. I hate to see anything go to waste. You got it. I swigged it all down and it was GOOD! The dishwasher ran and ran and we washed crystal and snacked the whole time. I was glad that I was the only woman there with sweat running down her bra and underwear. My face was as red as a beet. There was a fan that someone had pointed my way but it really didn't get the job done. The AC was running full blast but with lots of people coming and going the house didn't get icey (the way i like it). Judy and I said our goodbyes and hugged and kissed everyone that needed it. We were not going to see those people again. We arrived back at our hotel and collapsed. We realized we needed to start packing some things so we didn't have it all to do the next morning.

We departed Windsor, Ct. and Judy said she "HAD A PLAN". God, I held my breath. She had decided we needed to get off the Interstate and see some sights (we battle over this constantly). When I complain she says I miss my husband.....she knows how to push my buttons. So off we go on back roads to God only knows where. One thing in particular though was she wanted to see the beaches in Delaware, Maryland. WHAAAAAAAAAAAT I cried. Who cares - a beach is a beach. She said she had heard of Rehoboth Beach and we were going to see it. ?#&$Y!#Y*$^!#$!$&$&&(&$&#$

We drove for hours and hours. We reached Delaware and took the exit for the beaches.
First of all if you have seen one beach town you have seen them all. Little towns, lots of traffic. We drove thru them all. Then it was time to head on down the line. WAIT -- YOU CAN'T GET THERE FROM HERE. There was no way to get to Maryland without backtracking. WHAAAAAAAAAT. We pull off the road, by this time it is getting dark, so it is about 7 p.m. and we are headed to Virginia buttttttttttttttttttt we are in Delaware. Lots of cursing going on. We get out the map and sure enough -- keep on backtracking. Judy laughed and told me to loosen up...my man would be there when I got home. More cursing. We hadn't stopped to eat or anything else. So a pit stop was way overdue.

Pit stop was made, and off we went again and this time on the damned Interstate. Judy is getting sleepy and I am yelling that she is running out of the road. I said we have to stop and take a power break. I think it was about 11 p.m. when we took the first one. We pulled into a dark rest area, poor lighting and few cars. Thank goodness I didn't have to use the bathroom. No way would I have gone in there. We put our seats back and shut our eyes. I heard Judy snoring and knew she was asleep. I kept watch for the serial killer who would drag us from the car and kill us and our bodies would never be found. You are pretty vulnerable sleeping in a car anyway. I think I let her sleep for 45 min and told her to hit the road. We changed radio stations to some rock n roll and pulled out.

I do remember that outside of Maryland we did cross a bridge that must have been 5 miles high because I could see boat lights way below. There was also a bridge beside of this one that had people working on it at night and you could see the sparks flying. I think I held my breath all the way across. It must have been 3 miles long too. THANK GOD IT WAS DARK. Oh, and there was nothing but tractor trailers flying across. I was a wreck.

We drove and drove and drove. Judy finally let me take the wheel. There was one more power break and I was ready to get to Virginia. We got home at 6 a.m. I unloaded my stuff in the driveway and wasn't sure that I could even make it into the house. That was such an exhausting trip. We realized that in 3 days we were to head to Memphis, Tenn. for the Blues and Jazz Festival (already had our tickets).

Would we be able to make it?

Happy Trails

TO THE SUNNY BEACH WE GO

Thursday morning Judy and I got on the road much earlier than expected. For once, I was not ready!! The reason for that delay was caused by my LONG HAIR. If you have seen pictures you know that I usually have a short "do". For 6 months, at least, the hair has been growing just for kicks. The longer it gets the harder it is to manage. Probably one reason for that is that I have a hard time doing anything with the back of my head. I think my arms are to short ---- or maybe the head and the body are to big...whatever the reason it takes a long time to get presentable. Therefore, the delay on Thursday morning. I knew Judy Faye was on her way and I left the front door open for her to come on in. I am as skiddish as a chicken in a fox den. Knew she was coming, kept hot curling and burning myself and thought I heard something. Remember, I knew she was on her way -- I peeked around the bathroom door as she turned the corner and saw her and screamed. We both laughed til we cried. That's when we knew that this was gonna be a fun ride.

Thursday morning, unbeknownst to me, Judy had the new GPS in the front seat of the car. The excitement was building. You know we drive thousands of miles and never, ever take the GPS out of the trunk. We both got settled in and arranged the new cushions under our butts. Judy told me she had programmed the damn thing(GPS) twice already. The excitement was building. Seatbelts were buckled, comfort zone was established and I broke out in "On the Road Again". We start up my street and the GPS immediately speaks up. We were told to take a right and I clapped. We had done it -- we had gotten smart enough to program a GPS -- hoo hoo. We knew that in 3 minutes we had to take a right to reach the main highway. We were on pins and needles, grinning and showing all our teeth. As we near the turn the GPS said "take a left" -- DAMN. Then it gave directions back to Judy's house. There was lots of cursing going on by that time and that subsided quickly. Judy said she didn't know which way we should go. I said a few more expletives (I know more than Judy) and the laughter rung out. Hell, we would get there somehow. It's not like we have never been to Myrtle Beach, S.C. We love an adventure -- but you knew that or you would not be reading this stupid blog of mine.

I continued to play with the GPS thinking that I might just be smart enough to fix it before we hit the Interstate. Judy told me to throw it in the damn backseat. On the interstate and still trying... 12 miles down the Interstate we pulled off at the Rest Area. I will conquer the GPS. 15 minutes later we drove back onto the Interstate with GPS in hand and just trying to figure out how to turn the damn thing off. I did figure out how to pop out the memory card and EUREKA -- it worked. GPS shut down and let me program again. When you're hot, you're hot.

I know that Judy loves strawberries and on the road to the beach was a sign, FRESH STRAWBERRIES. I needed a bathroom break and Judy was drooling. I jumped out of the car and the owner said "how's it going" -- I told him once I came back from the bathroom it would be going great. I came out refreshed and Judy had purchased a $10 basket of the most beautiful strawberries you have ever seen. My God, we could even smell them. She surprised me with a large cup of boiled peanuts (my very favorite thing in the world, next to Chocolate). I saw those berries and realized that one big basket would never be enough. I purchased another one for good measure. You can never have too much of a good thing, big, fat juicy strawberries is a good thing.

Judy has a granddog named Otis. He is a Chesapeake Bay Retriever. He is a huge dog with CRAZY EYES. His eyes make him look wild. But Otis has to be the smartest, sweetest dog. Otis has a great disposition and nothing alarms him. Otis is now 13 which Judy tells me is old for a BIG DOG (you know how SMART she is). Judy had been keeping Otis for a week or so and she started telling me about how she and her sister, Janis, were talking about something the other night and were spelling words to each other. They realized they were spelling and there was no need, OTIS is deaf now. I asked why in the hell they were spelling? Were they nuts? She said that they had always had to spell because he was so smart, if you mentioned car or truck he got excited, or treat, or any of his favorite things it was hard to calm him down. I have only had 3 dogs and they were NOT smart. He is a sweetie and just thinking about him makes us both happy. She is a good granny.

Arrive at the Beach. I dreaded seeing the motel -- nowhere near our usual haunt. When the price is cheap I worry (usually for good cause).

The place was a semi-dump. I was not happy and Judy said for $200 a night we could stay in a Marriott. Pissed me off. If we had $200 we would be in a Marriott. My previous boss used to take me on business trips with her. WOW is all I can say. I got to go to places I would never have gotten to go to, stayed in high class places, from a resort (to take depositions)to a grand room in a Chicago Marriott. God it was fun traveling with Kay. She is a platinum Marriott member and not only do you get upgrade after upgrade, but there is wine and cheese from 4-6. I can drink some free wine....plus I entertained Kay by oooohing and awwwwwwing. So therefore, Judy berates me about a damn Marriott. Jealousy makes her green.

I decided to look up information and news on the computer and told Judy that I was going to get on the computer and see who died. (Obituaries from home) Judy replied "Elizabeth Taylor died?" I said what? She said you said Elizabeth Taylor died. I explained to her what I had originally said and how she might need a couple of hearing aids too. She said that I mumbled.....same ole same ole. But you know there was more laughing and snickering every time we looked at each other.

I had decided to start on this blog and told Judy I just couldn't remember anything funny that had happened and that I might have "Writer's Blank" -- She said you mean "Writer's Block?" We get tickled at how stupid we are and how it takes so little to entertain us at any given time.

We decided we needed to go to Sticky Fingers and eat ribs, that is a tradition for us. We walked in and I saw lots of children. I told the waitress I wanted smoking because I didn't want to sit around children. She told us we should sit in the bar. Well for God's sake -- we should have considered loud mouths when we agreed. A woman and a man tried to entertain the whole restaurant in song and jokes. I shook my head and Judy said "don't say a word -- this was your idea." We ate quickly, didn't even have dessert. We left in a rush and headed back to our dump.

The next day was the George Jones Concert. I was really getting stiff legged. Knew that we were going to have front row seats and we were going to be able to see what George really looks like. Well we had 2nd row seats and they worked out well. George Jones is OLD!!! I don't remember him being so OLD. He walked out on stage in a semi-Hawaiian shirt, hair was the same and he had microphones in each ear. Our friend had pointed out that on the stage were monitors with all the words on them.
How disappointing. Poor George, his stomach was huge and we think he had probably just eaten on his bus. He kept his hand on his stomach most of the time, read the words to every damn song and missed a lot of high notes. He made faces and cursed under his breath about the microphone problem. That was interesting to watch him communicate with eye contact with his bass player. It was a scowl and a head shake and the bass player went to the fellows working behind the curtain. We could see all of it from the front row. Not really impressive but we can say that we did see the Legend. He had some skanky female singer with him and we weren't impressed. Several drunks behind us gave a couple of WHOOOOOPPEES when she sang. She was so tickled and grinned a big ole toothy grin.

Nothing happened at the concert and a good time was had by all. I thought our friend might try to get us backstage after the concert, since she is a member of George's fan club, knows George and his wife, and has a photo of him sitting in one of her "red corvettes." But we went home instead and crawled into bed. Got up early the next morning and packed the car and headed back up the mountain -- Home Again, Home Again, Jiggedy Jog.

The trip home was pretty uneventful too. It's a long way but with the GPS' help we made it just fine -- no wrong turns. We bitched and moaned about all the things we needed to do before heading to the Wedding Reception for Karman and Bridget (my girls) in Connecticut and we had just one day to do it all.

The really sad thing is that we never once got on the BEACH. That is sinful. We will do better next time and I promise there will be some funny stories to make you laugh out loud.

Happy Trails

GET READY NEW ENGLAND, HERE WE COME

Judy and I had decided it was time for another road trip. We thought of different places we wanted to go and places we could afford to go. We both love to watch COPS on TV ("Bad Boys, Bad Boys, Whatcha Gonna Do, Whatcha Gonna Do....") and decided that we could go somewhere up NORTH and then come back down through New Jersey and meet the cop we love to watch in Passaic, N.J. How hard could that be to find those cops? Piece of cake. So the plan was made. We had never been to Maine, we could go to Maine and I could eat a lobster. Wonder how much that lobster really cost me???

We left home and one morning with no plan but several maps and a GPS in the trunk, where you know we like to keep it. Of course, I was driving and there was not a whole lot to see on the Interstate and we always argue about that. Back roads are fun sometimes -- but Jesus, it takes forever to get where you are going. So we listened to Blues and Country Music and Rock N Roll on the radio and sang along and laughed and talked about "the good ole days" and boys that we couldn't remember their names or blind dates we had gotten for each other. I hope everyone that reads this blog has at least one good friend that you get to do things like this with. The memories will last you a lifetime. Nothing eventful happened as we drove.

On our way to Bar Harbor we stopped at some little town outside of Bar Harbor. I walked back out to our car and a man with a long, grey pony tail was getting into his van beside of me. He said "is that your kaaaa"? I said "No, but it is my CAR" and we both laughed. He said he notice the Virginia Tech stickers on my kaaaa and had heard about the shooting of all those people in Blacksburg, Va. We discussed that for awhile and then his wife came out and opened up the passenger door of the van and asked who he was talking to. By the time Judy got out of the store I had learned that they had met in a Chat Room, both were in the military and they were now married. She said they would really like to stay and chat but had to hurry home because someone had given them two cockatoos and they had to get them in a cage and fed. Judy was amazed when she came out and saw what was going on and that I was once again talking to strangers and in a van, with pony tails. Did my Mother not teach me anything?

WOW, Bay Harbor was really beautiful and the people did talk funny. We wondered if they thought we did too (nahhhh). Checked into a very nice hotel that was surrounded with huge evergreen trees and tennis courts and lots of woods. Sorta looked like we could still be in Virginia. We had already decided we were not going to hang around anywhere too long. As long as you are moving, they can't catch you, right.

Next morning we loaded the car up and headed for Portland. The day was spent in the L. L. Bean Store. That store was great. Of course, we had seen their catalogs for years and even ordered things from them. We parted at the door and I imagine we were in there for at least an hour -- which is pretty long for us to stay in any store. Judy swears she had me paged when she was ready to leave. Hell, I never heard the page (you all know I am deaf anyway) and I was probably saying HUH? HUH? or they were asking me where I was from? So I walked around the store looking for Judy and decided I would ask one of the ladies to page Judy. After the 3rd page for Judy I was ready to see if they would let me announce it myself, at least she could UNDERSTAND ME! I kept walking and found Judy sitting outside on a bench -- Hell, no wonder she didn't respond. I am sure we had words.

While in Portland we went to our FIRST Ben and Jerry's store. That was a treat for us and we enjoyed every minute and savored every bite. From there we went into our first Jockey store. We were in heaven in there as well. What great underwear. I had never worn Jockey until then and if you haven't tried you should. So already, we have made MEMORIES and we have only just begun.

We also took a boat out to see the whales. What a bummer. First of all I had to purchase a hoodie to keep from freezing my ass off (would take a whole lot of freezing to do that too). It was rainy, and breezy on the water. We purchased our tickets and I was chewing Dramamine tablets as quickly as I could. Judy swears she saw a whale or two. I saw a tip of something that someone said was a whale's tail slapping the water as it went down. Coulda fooled me. All I got out of that trip was damp hair and wet shoes. Had never done that before -- another MEMORY...

We had had enough shopping and people and found the waterfront. Hot Damn. I saw a ferry and we both looked at each other and said "DARE WE" and then said Nahhhh. I always carry beach chairs in the trunk cause you never know when you want to get out and enjoy the view. We found a great spot to sit out beside where the boats dock and the ferrys load up. Talk about heaven, honey we were there and lovin every minute. There were other sightseers like us (but w/o chairs and very JEALOUS, you know) and some had dogs. I love dogs and I would say "honey come see your granny" or some other silly baby talk things. The owners usually love that you love their babies or they think you are a stupid idiot. These people were so pleased that we knew the breeds and wanted to visit with their dogs and them. Of course, we chatted about where we were all from and what we were doing. Now as you all also know -- I sometimes can get really carried away and use curse words in a sentence so that you hardly know I've done it. It's normal for me and I love it. So we meet this couple (I know you think you know where this is going, don't ya) and they are fun, nice looking, have a dog and just so personable. Of course, the husband says they are from Kentucky and have just moved to Portland. I then say "WHAT THE HELL FOR?" The husband replies that he just took a job up here and they had come up a month or so ago, found a great house and they were now in the process of moving in and sightseeing. He then told me he was a minister of a church. I said OH JESUS CHRIST. He let out this huge belly laugh. He said, "if I had told you right from the get go I was a minister you would not have been yourself and entertained us." He was so right. Judy and I had the best time with this couple. We devised a plan that when they got on the ferry I would stand up and wave and pretend I was crying and beg them not to leave. Judy shook her head and told them I needed to be in a home. So we enjoyed their company til it was time for them and their doggie to board the ferry. Everything went just as planned as they pulled out they were on the top deck and waving and saying goodbye Judy, goodbye Gail and I start saying don't go and running after the ferry and they are laughing their asses off. What good sports they were for entertaining me. I take Judy along to be the straight (wo)man.

After all that fun we drove down Coastal Highway #1 and spent the night in Biddeford, Me. That's where I had LOBSTER. I told the waiter I did not want to see it in it's shell or see a whisker or a face or a tail. I didn't care how much it cost, but to see if someone could pick it out and put it in a bowl of butter. One of Judy's favorite sayings is "Money is no object." We found a very nice Comfort Suites Motel with refrigerator, couch, just like home. We had decided to spend a couple days and take day trips. As Karman, my daughter tells me "Calm down Bevus". Biddeford is right outside of Kennebunkport, Maine, vacation place of the BUSH family. Not my favorite family. So we fix us a picnic basket and decide to drive around that day and see what Kennebunkport is all about -- what makes it such a HOT PLACE. We never found that out.

For instance, I know that there is some way to get to the beach. We never found the path or the beach. All we found were the huge boulders that prevented you from even seeing a beach or parking near it. We drove around and around and around. We began to get hungry. There were families on bicycles heading to the beach and lots of walkers and there was no place for us to park. There were some policemen on bicycles ticketing cars for parking illegally though. So right passed a stop sign there are boulders and the water and a cop on a bike. I rolled down my window and ask the policeman if it would be OK if we pulled over in the grassy area beside the stop sign and sat in our chairs and had our picnic. I told him my friend was handicapped and diabetic and we had driven around in circles for at least an hour to try and have a small picnic before we left his beautiful state. He was so pleasant and cute as a button (I might add). So hell, I just parked over by the Stop sign, we unloaded the chairs and the picnic basket and both tried to hobble a little to the chairs and sat under the shade trees and had a great picnic with the sea breeze blowing in our hair. This whole trip was about COPS anyway.... Who knew it would work out so well. His mother taught him to be nice to old women, I bet. This was fun and now we are ready to head 'em up and move 'em out. Our work there was done.

We were ready to head to Massachusetts and had planned to visit a good friend in Boston. Her Mother was very ill during that time so we canned that idea. Closer to Boston we were stopped at a light and a really hot Mustang puled up beside of me and raceed the motor. AWWWWRIGHT, I SAID OUT LOUD. Judy said "Don't you dare race that car cause you will either get us a ticket or get us killed." I laughed at her and called her a name, I'm sure. It turned out the Mustang was driven by a GIRL. DAMNIT! So she is sitting over to my right revvin her engine and there I am in a 6 cyl. automatic Chevy Impala (and not a chance in hell of beating her). She had no idea what I had. So I put my car in neutral and revved it good and loud. Nobody at the light but us. We are out revvin each other and the light changed and she took my ass like Grant took Richmond. Well who didn't know that was gonna happen. I was so tickled and Judy was still muttering. My car is very loud, thanks to my son, Frank. So as the girl left me in a cloud of dust I saw her wave and I waved back. Judy asked what I was doing. I said "she waved" and so did I. Judy said she gave you the finger, stupid. You have to be laughing, at least grinning at that.

We had puttered along really not having a plan and got right in the middle of Boston at RUSH HOUR or close after. MY GOD that was scary!!! We never really get worried about being in a city, how hard can it be to get out of there? Piece of cake, read the signs, (or listen to your GPS, if you have one that is not in your trunk)and you will survive. Of course, I was driving my car and was going with the flow, which had to be 125 mph. Every now and then we would make a pass thru the middle of Boston Judy would periodically let out a scream or a few cuss words. She kept telling me that I was going to get us killed or did I see that car that I just barely missed? Actually, I had not, who knew she had?? It was getting dark and I had been driving a very long time. I was stopped at a traffic light and people kept pointing at us and saying something. We both notice and wondered "out loud" what the hell was going on. Finally a cabbie pulls up and yells TURN YOUR LIGHTS ON. Thank God, that was all it was. But as we kept going Judy asked if I knew I was driving with one eye shut. I told her I did that I couldn't see out of both eyes. Wrong thing to say. I think the one-eyed driving was caused by "stressful driving" or maybe "loosing the race". We began to feel like the Kingston Trio's song -- the MAN WHO NEVER RETURNED. That song, for you youngsters, is about a man who got on the subway and didn't have enough money to get off and get on another train and his wife would go down to the station daily and hand him a sandwich through the window.... well you get the point. We drove around Boston and we would see a sign post but a damn tree limb/leaves were covering up the words. We would keep going 125 mph (going with the flow)I'm not kidding, it was a FAST FLOW -- Yankees drive a lot faster than we do. We would take off on another road and Judy would say, she saw an exit coming up and for me to take it. Off we would go at 65 mph and not know where in the hell we were and we were laughing and listening to music, thinking we had finally gotten off the road and were headed out of Boston. WRONG! Judy would say HANG A LEFT, QUICK and into a damn supermarket parking lot we would go or a shopping center. Once again back on the freeway and when we saw a sign for service stations we got off. The kid working there was no nice and helpful. Told us exactly what to do, where we should get off in order to head to Connecticut, piece of cake. There are nice people every where.

By late afternoon we were winding down and I saw water in the distance and was drawn to it. We drove over to a great scenic area and parked the car. I really think we were in Bridgeport, Conn., but we actually don't know. We had been riding for quite awhile and it took a few minutes for us to get out and straighten up. There was a concrete boardwalk with a couple of benches overlooking the water and boats coming and going. Nice place to take a load off. The benches were full except for one and there was on older gentleman sitting alone and I asked if he minded sharing with us. He was so sweet and small. He was very gracious and we chatted and introduced ourselves. Of course, I had to find out all about him. I was a detective in another life. His name was Larry and he was a widower. He was very lonely and talked about his wife and how he missed her. I asked if he still drove a car and he said he did. He pointed to a huge Buick sitting behind us. I told him if he was so lonely that he should start dating and he shook his head and said no. I said do you go to church and he said sometimes. I told him that he should that church would be full of widows looking for a husband and would love to cook for him and he could take them out and spend some of that money he was hiding on them. He laughed. I kept talking about him going out and having fun. I asked if he had children and he and his wife had had a son but he was now dead. So I pursued other things and he said "DO YOU WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH ME"? Well, talk about being taken aback, I was. I told him "HELL NO". He laughed out loud. I think it was at that juncture that I decided to stand up and walk over to the fence and look at the water. He moved closer to Judy and said that I was a Big, Tall Girl. Judy, of course, had to one-up me. She told him she was taller than me. We visited with Larry maybe an hour before we were restless and ready to hit the road again. We took pictures but never asked him for his name or address or anything else. Hell, he probably would not have told us anyway since he thought I wanted to have sex with him. I have a photo of us on my MYSPACE page, I believe. I was much taller than he was and so was Judy.

Now the real fun begins. Judy has taken the wheel since she is not riding with a blind woman any longer. We had plan and that plan was to head to New Jersey, Passaic County, specifically. We left little Larry with a laugh and a smile and headed off into the sunset. Once again, darkness had fallen (a veil of darkness sounds nice doesn't it) and we had no clue where we were, but we did know we were moving right along and almost out of gas. We spot some gas signs coming up and I said take this exit and Judy sees a sign that reads JAMAICA QUEENS, NY. That got a rise out of her. Well the good news was that the gas station was straight ahead, within sight. I jumped out of the car to pump the gas and a nice car pulls up at the other pump with a black man and a woman in the car and when he got out I started asking him questions about New Jersey. As he began speaking, his girlfriend leaned over and gave me the "evil eye" --- whoa, get back. At that same time, another car pulled up in front of me with two black gentlemen in the car. The driver got out and overheard the other man talking to me. He comes over and interrupts the first fellow. Well, that makes the first fellow, with the girlfriend, mad and he gets in his car and leaves. The second fellow said to forget everything I had been told. That I certainly did not want to go the way the first guy had told me to go. I got a slip of paper to write on and he told me when I left the station to go back the way I came in (WHICH MAKES SENSE) and what exit to look for. Judy and I thanked him profusely. He was really a handsome guy. Then he said "WHAT IN THE HELL DO YOU WANT TO GO TO NEW JERSEY FOR ANYWAY?" We all laughed. Nice people everywhere.

"On the Road Again, Can't Wait to Get on the Road Again....." Spent the night in New Jersey. YAHOOOOOOOO. Boy were we excited. This is a really long story isn't it. I cannot leave anything out. I don't want you to miss a thing. We would always carry our computers with us and write "the poor people that had to work for a living" and tell them what they were missing. That's why you are getting details here. Although, I did have to get the Atlas out a couple of times.

Next morning we found out where the Police Station was and drove down through a beautiful neighborhood, streets lined with business, homes and trees just, really pretty. We talked about how excited we were going to be and what we would say and what the cop would say when two women walked in to see him. Then we laughed til we cried because we also add other little tidbits I cannot possibly share with you which makes it even funnier. As we drove down this street I mentioned earlier, I saw a Bakery Shop. I can usually smell them before I see them -- but I was excited. So we went into the shop that made me think I had died and gone to heaven. I had coffee and lots of sweets and Judy had water and lots of sweets. Then after my belly was full I told Judy I was buying the cop some sweets cause I could tell he ate them too (it is called BIG STOMACH). So I purchase a huge box of pastries $25-$30 worth for him. We were skipping out of that bakery. I think I might even have had sweaty palms (god forbid). Judy said she would wait in the car (yea, let me see if the dog bites, before she gets out) and if we were in the right place then she would get out. So I go to the Government Office Building/Police Station, and the front door was locked. What the hell. I smelled cigarette smoke and heard men talking (I told you I was a detective in another life, didn't I) and walked around that corner like I knew where I was going. There were 8-9 cops standing around smoking and talking and it all came to a halt when they saw me.. They looked up and everyone got quiet. They asked if they could help me and then I really felt stupid. I said "Oh yes, I am from Virginia, and I came all the way up here to see the policeman on Cops". They laughed and laughed and laughed. They were just jealous, of course. Nobody came from Virginia to see them. They said "Lady, you are looking for the Passaic "COUNTY" police. You will need to drive up to this point, and then over to this point and then you will see construction going on and there will be a police car sitting there. That is a County policeman. He will be able to help you. I thanked them and walked away. Judy said she wondered what in the hell had happened to me. But, you know what.... she never got out of the car to come looking for me.....reallllllllll worrrried.......

I got in the car and told her what smart asses they were and told her the directions they had given me. So I started the car up and off we went, pastries and all. Directions were good though. Found the car, cop sitting in it, and I parked across from him. It was not "our cop". I walked up to his window and damned if he wasn't sitting there watching a movie on a laptop. The movie was the Jessica Simpson one with the two brothers and the race car and their uncle and she has on "short, shorts". So I peck on his window and scare him. No kidding.... He was so damned cute, a short, Italian stallion. I motion for Judy to get out of the car and come over. He is still sitting in his seat, behind the wheel, he had turned the movie off, and I said what in the hell are you doing watching a movie. He said WHERE DID YOU COME FROM? I asked if he was working? I was really brave wasn't I? hmmmmmm, I believe you call that STUPID. He said actually all I have to do is sit here behind the construction site. It is a law that a policeman has to be at each site and he smiled and I melted, and then I ran down into my shoes. So then he gets out of his car, Judy and I have to move out of the way to let him out. He pulls up his belt and his gun (for show, I'm sure) and asks what we need. I don't think I was able to speak for a few minutes. Judy told him about the Cop on Cops, blah, blah, blah. He said well wait a minute and let me check but I think he is on vacation. DARN, DARN and TRIPLE DARN. So what does the Stallion do? He calls the Dispatcher and says he has a 5200 and asks about the other Cop. When he gets off his walkie-talkie I ask him what a 5200 is and he says "a crazy person"... Seems the guy is in Florida on vacation with his FAMILY(he emphasized that), and will be coming home the next day, which is Sunday. So we tell him that we had purchased some pastries for him and would he give them to him tomorrow. SURE THING he said.... (We really aren't that stupid) So I go to the car to get the box and I had a hot pink top on and spilled some confectionary sugar out of the box on my boobs. As I got back up to the stallion I said, uh oh -- cocaine.... Judy laughed out loud. I said "I think you are gonna have to cuff me." He said "nah, I don't think so." He was blushing. Two fat women hitting on him...and he blushes. Love it. I asked if he was married (remember, I was a detective) and he was on his 3rd, and had 6 children. He was just graying around the temples and was really handsome. I believe the Stallion's photo is on MYSPACE as well, should you desire to see. Judy and I still get tickled at the thought of him taking all those pastries either to his kids or other cops, laughing their asses off about us and then telling the cop about his "secret admirers".

Well that plan didn't quite work out the way we wanted but it was a plan and it was fun and we had something to look forward to and something to talk about and entertain people with.

We had planned to stop in Atlantic City and gamble but the weather was nasty and rainy and I was still blind in one eye (as Judy likes to say) and we were worn to a frazzle and out of money from spending it on pastries mainly). So many memories....and so little money.

By the way, in April and May there are 3 upcoming trips. 1 to Myrtle Beach to see Country Singer George Jones (front row seats), 1 to Connecticut to see new in-laws and finally 1 to Memphis to the Jazz and Blues Festival. Can you wait.. I'm gettin stiff-legged just thinking about it.


Happy Trails

LOOKIN FOR A REAL COWBOY

My best friend Judy and I are always talking about a road trip. Believe me, we have done many and have laughed most of the way. I think our most fun trips have been going through Texas or just to Texas. In every state we manage to find the projects or dumpsters.

I have this thing for cowboys. Age doesn't really matter, I just would like to see a real one, watch him get up in his saddle and ride off or sit and talk to him about all the things he has seen and done (probably gonna have to be an older one to get that much information). So help me God, three times to Texas, not a cowboy in sight.

WHERE ARE THEY? I've been told they are there but "you can't see'em". What the hell does that mean, I ask"? It seems that the REAL COWBOYS are working on 2,000 - 3,000 acre ranches. Surely they leave sometime, ride a horse near the road, drive a truck with a dog in the back to the store. I am beginning to believe they are in Montana, Colorado or South Dakota....just not Texas.

So back to our road trip. Judy drives a big white Cadillac and if it could tell stories...whooo doggies. The beginning of this particular trip began with a short stay in Myrtle Beach, S.C., on of our favorite haunts. We drank green tea because it helps you to loose weight as well as kills the appetite. IT TRULY WORKS. Few days on the beach in our favorite condo, and we were off to Savannah, Georgia.

Now Savannah is another one of our favorite places. It is big and beautiful.
We don't always have lots of money to spend but we manage to have great fun and some of it we can even remember. But I swear to God, every time we go to Savannah we end up in the damn projects. Now we are both from a small town in Virginia. We don't have projects here, not even homeless people. So that is really culture shock for us, especially the first time we were lost. We always manage to find our way back to main street and laugh at our adventures and think how normal people would react in the same situation and what my husband would say if he knew.

We checked into a nice hotel outside of Savannah and drove in, took a nap and later found a place to park and walked around an area with bars, restaurants, art galleries, a square with a band playing and lots of seating. We took a load off, tapped our feet and clapped our hands and enjoyed ourselves. After we had enjoyed as much as we could stand we got up to cross the street and a man on a bicycle rickshaw blocked our way. I am sure we both gave him the EVIL EYE. He smiled and said "ladies, let me take you for a ride". We declined. Then the ass said "I have hauled men bigger than ya'll on here, and they weight 285 each." I asked him what in the hell he was trying to imply? He got the message, subtle as it was and scurried away. Well, we aren't lightweights but that was none of his business.

We had timed this trip so that we would be in time for the Jazz Festival to begin the next day. We had our folding chairs, our cooler, and our straw hats. We looked good. (It's all about lookin good or at least thinking you do) The Festival was held in Forsythe Park and it is beautiful, green, spacious and perfect.

We left the hotel early the next morning to allow time to visit the projects (which we did). Found the Park again, carried our chairs and cooler and sat under the shade of a big oak tree. My God, this was perfect and we could not quit grinning. Not too close the bands, not too close to people with children and not too close to the homeless people who were mingling around. I did notice across the Park lawn were porta johns. OH MY GAWD. I have never, never been inside of one of those things. I had already had one bottle of water and we had wine, cheese, fruit and salty things. Well we sat and enjoy the scenery, the young, handsome guys throwing frisbees, the old people in wheelchairs and the beautiful dogs. Every breed imaginable. A lady in a big floppy straw hat walked up with her CHOW and started talking to us. We were having a great conversation when her dog lifted his leg and peed all over Judy and her straw hat that was hanging from her chair arm. I was hysterical and crying. Judy jumped up and cursed the dog and the woman was apologizing over and over. I couldn't stifle myself. Just as everyone was getting over that damage that damn CHOW turned his back to us and kicked dirt all over Judy. That did it. That porta john seemed 8 miles away. I walked crossed legged all the way over there and prayed it would not smell and it would be clean and it would also be empty. My prayers were answered. I skipped back when I was through. We had a good laugh all over again and she cussed about that stupid dog and how she couldn't wear her hat. Oh that made my trip to Savannah. I kept laughing and saying thank God I had a good, dry hat. She says I am so hateful anyway -- can you imagine?

We left Savannah for Jacksonville, Fla. Judy has a cousin who lives there. We stopped on the way into town to look at the ocean. We parked right beside the Rescue Squad and the Fire Department. The wind was blowing like a bitch. There were all these red flags out on the beach and on lifeguard stands. No one on the beach but us. We wondered out loud what that was about. I said sharks and she thought maybe rough waters. We sat on the steps leading to the beach for a good 30 minutes enjoying the ocean and the salty air. When we met up with her cousin she said the flags meant RED TIDES. Red Tides is very bad for your lungs and your breathing and I believe it is brought on by storms and when all the junk on the bottom of the ocean floor is churned up and the beaches are covered with brown foam. Glad we inhaled for 30 minutes. We had dinner with the family at a fish camp right on a swamp and the restaurant sat out over it. The rains had caused flooding and the owners had placed boards to walk thru the parking lot to get inside. I was wondering what the floor inside was gonna like. It was nice, but we ate by a window and watched alligators and turtles swimming right next to the building. I prayed the building wouldn't sink til we left.

The next morning we headed out for the Florida Panhandle in search of more adventures. We traveled the beach highways (Judy hates the interstates and that's why we stay lost most of the time). I think I forgot to mention that we have a GPS and it stays in the trunk because she says it doesn't work right...... Okay, so we were driving on Route 98, right along side of the Gulf Coast. There were bugs as big as sparrows hitting our windshield and hood. My God, I thought the locust had come. The windshield wipers barely kept the windshield clean. (Judy has since had her car detailed twice and there are still bug guts on it from that trip, they cannot get them off). I told Judy we had to find a bathroom quick or I was gonna have to use the woods. That was about the time we passed a sign to watch for bears. Then I saw a road to the right and a sign that read "JAIL". I yelled for her to take it. About a half a mile later the female jailer let me in to use the facilities and stayed outside the bathroom door to let me outside safely. Yes, there were people in the jailhouse. About 3 miles down the road we saw a bear safely make it across the road between 2 cars. Not long after that we saw a single biker heading the other way, towards the bear. Wonder if he made it or ended up as bear food????

That night we stayed in Panama City Beach. We decided to hang around for a couple of days. The next day we went sightseeing. We found a side road to pull onto to get to the beach. Oh my God, the sand was white and fine and the water was as calm and warm as bath water. We found a small tidal pool on the beach and sat our chairs in it and said "THIS IS THE LIFE." That was right before the flies attacked us and we dropped our paperbacks in the water swatting them. By then it was 100 degrees and it seemed a long way back to the steps to our car. Our feet sunk down into the sand up to our ankles. What a pretty sight we were. Too fat women trying to run in hot, ankle deep sand. A good Samaritan was parked beside of us. He said you ladies look like you could use a cold drink and handed us a bottle of icy cold water. He was a nice guy from Tennessee. Remember I told you about drinking that green tea, for weight and appetite. Well we were still doing it because we had a damn case of it. So I had noticed a gym/spa when we checked in the previous day --- it's obvious that neither of us work out! So I peeked in and didn't see anyone and I wanted to weigh myself to see if the tea was working. Sure enough, I had lost 6 lbs. Damn, I'm good. I turned to get off the scales and saw myself in a group of mirrors and it scared me so bad that I screamed. Then I realized it was me. What if someone else had been in there. That blood curdling scream could have caused them to have had a heart attack. When I returned to the room and told Judy I thought she was going to have a heart attack. She said I was a SICK WOMAN. Another day of resting and reading and we were fired up and ready to hit the road again.

We drove through Biloxi and Gulf Port, how sad. All the big beautiful homes we remembered from previous trips were gone -- Katrina had leveled or ruined most of them. We had seen alot of the damage on TV, but nothing compares to seeing it up close and personal. We drove on through New Orleans and saw the damage there as well. We thought about staying outside of Baton Rouge but there was a huge football game and we drove for 12 hours before we found a room.

We checked into a brand new hotel and they offered the usual breakfast which I like, because it's free. I think I have also forgotten to tell you all that I end up being the "HUSBAND". I wake up early and love to go eat breakfast and read the paper and watch the people. Judy needs her beauty sleep and is a slug. She moves slow. So I go do my thing and then bring her a breakfast tray back to the room. Everyone probably assumes we are gay, but we aren't. "NOT THAT THERE'S ANYTHING WRONG WITH THAT" (from Seinfield). So this particular morning I was having a great time and some guy tries to pick me up. HOLY SHIT. That hasn't happened for years. He must have been really hard up or I must look great with bed hair, and no makeup. He was a nice looking man, my age, and was a salesman for truck and car parts. I listened to him talk and told him I was from Virginia and traveling to Texas. He wanted to know if I was alone or with family. I said actually, I am with my "GIRLFRIEND". That didn't deter him at all. I said, matter of fact, I have to fix her breakfast right now. He said you are hilarious. Please don't go yet, let's sit and talk over another cup of coffee. He wrote his room number down on his business card and told me to call him when I got back to my room and wanted to know if I had an E-mail address. I told him no E-mail and he said call me anyway. I got Judy's breakfast plate and hurried to the room as fast as I could go. I told Judy "I STILL HAD IT" --I couldn't believe it. That morning we checked out and headed for Katy, Texas to visit another friend.

We hadn't seen our friend Julie for years and she and her husband Jay insisted we bring our laundry and come for dinner. You can't beat that. We decided the next day so that Jay would drive us to Galveston. He said he hated Galveston but he wanted to be with us -- what a guy. I thought Galveston was gonna be a dirty oil town and I figured Glenn Campbell would be there singing as we drove up. He wasn't. Jay was very knowledgeable about Galveston though. He said it used to be a Mafia town (oh my God, I love the Mafia and the Sopranos). That people had to get their permission to build hotels. UNREAL. Great trip, good stories and fabulous friends.

The next morning we left Katy and headed for Corpus Christi. While we were driving around checking the yachts and sights I realized I had to go to the bathroom and QUICK! There was a restaurant right on the water called Joe's Crab Shack. They also had $1.00 margaritas. (PERFECT) By the time Judy got the Caddy close to the entrance I wasn't sure I could even make it out of the car inside to the bathroom. She parked and left the motor runnning, I walked in front of the car and Judy turned in the seat to get a map and her foot hit the gas. It scared me so bad that I wet my pants and there was no stopping it. She turned and realized what she had done as I stood in front of the car and we both laughed so hard. I did go into Joe's to clean up with paper towels and put some in my underwear (TMI) til we found a hotel. Thank God I had on black shorts and the caddy has leather seats.

We got a room in a fabulous high rise hotel overlooking the water and yachts. The room was floor to ceiling windows and we were on the 10th floor. After a quick shower and while Judy got her shower I walked around the room naked, just because I could. The high rises around us were office buildings, it was late and I am sure the offices were closing. It was something I had to do once, like skinny dipping. We didn't read of anyone dying of heart attacks the next morning either. We had dinner out and a great time.

The next day we got our straw hats (yes, Judy's had dried), suntan lotion, books and a cooler and headed for San Padre Island. OH MY GOD, we were so excited. We drove for 3 1/2 hours and finally I said where in the hell is the water? Judy, in this instance, is the HUSBAND. She will not ask for directions. Oh, the one time she did (another time we were lost) she asked an UPS man where we were going? I wish you could have seen the look on his face? Like, lady if you don't know, I sure as hell don't. So we stopped and I asked for directions. The fellow told me we were going the wrong way. WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT. We had to backtrack 100 miles -- remember, the GPS is still in the trunk. Anyone want to travel with us? We are lots of laughs and stay lost a lot. So we finally found the water and the beach. The beach was covered with tons of seaweed. We finally cleared us a spot, raking the seaweed away with our feet and sat our chairs down and prepared for a nice afternoon. Our chairs sunk about a foot into the sand and the water rolled in and soaked our asses (literally). We got up and jerked our chairs out of the wet sand and moved them back 6 or 7 feet and tried to unwind. We were there for almost 2 hours. It took us 5 hours to get there. Now get this -- North Padre and Corpus Beach were only 20 minutes and 2 humongous bridges away had we used our GPS. We could have had a whole day at the beach.

Worn out we headed back to the hotel. I had on my prescription sunglasses and I looked good. Lots of rhinestones and glitter. But it was dark by this time and I needed my regular glasses. I didn't know where they were. Judy wears sunglasses day and night. But she was driving and driving fast and not paying attention and there are lots of feeder roads down there. She would start to get off on one of those feeder roads and I would scream NOOOOOOOOOOOO and she would swerve back in the lane. It was almost midnight and trucks were passing us like we were sitting still. They were going at least 90 mph. I said "hell, keep up with 'em". We did and the next thing we know we were in a lane with everyone else and coming to a stop -- a truck weigh station lane. Finally, some ACTION. A FEDERAL CHECK STATION, WOW. OH MY GOD -- cops and dogs, just like on TV - HOT DAMN! It was finally our turn for the search, I knew we "fit the profile". Two blonde fat women in a caddy -- had to be drug runners, right. The FED stepped up to the window and asked if we were U.S. Citizens and Judy answered yes and then they wanted to know if anyone else was in the car??? WHAT? Where would they be? They waved us right on through. Just our luck. We wanted to hear him say "Mam, step out of the car". We were disappointed. Anyway we finally made it back to the room and collapsed.

Did I forget to mention that every night or every other night I would write a newsletter to our friends and office mates. They called us Thelma and Louise. I assured them we would never intentionally hurt ourselves. Sometimes Judy would write the letter, if I was too tired or brain dead, that happens alot to me. I know in one of our newsletters she wrote that "Gail is walking around like a Silverback Gorilla." Beauty is in the eyes of the beholder, right.

We got up early and headed to Kingsville, Texas. I was finally gonna see some COWBOYS at the infamous KING RANCH, giddy up little doggie. We arrived in fine form, and checked into a hotel and unloaded. God, do you realize how many times we load and unload. Think of how many clothes two women take on a trip like this one (a month). Not only do we fill the trunk but we fill the back seat. I think of these insignificant things as I write. I have a clothes basket we fill with food or whatever needs to go in there, usually food. We will stop at a wayside or somewhere we see that looks nice and have a snack and just take a break. Anyway it's a lot of work. We need a full time person just to handle the luggage and check-in and out. So we have the information for the Ranch. I am stiff-legged with excitement. We find the big gated entrance and it's more than anyone can imagine. The grounds were beautiful. We had to go to a gift shop to pay and ride in a van for the tour. The only cowboy I saw there was an 84 yr old Mexican Cowboy who had been raised on the King Ranch. He was in charge of showing us the many brands that had been used on cattle over the years. He was gracious enough to have his picture taken with me. When the film was developed, my stomach was huge and my mouth was wide open). When we returned to the gift shop I bought a postcard with his picture, standing by his horse, chaps and all, taken at least 30 years earlier.


We were ready to head to San Antonio. Oh God, we love San Antonio. The Riverwalk, the Mexican pastries that are full of lard, the jewelry, the junk and we always try on sombreros. We stopped in a little town called Sequin, right outside of San Antonio. Oh, this is so funny. After shopping and eating the not so good ($13.00 worth) of pastries, we went to a Mexican Restaurant nearby. Big walking area full of shops and restaurants. As we got seated I said, Jesus I need a drink. I ordered a Margarita. I kept trying to get the eye of one of the mariachi singers so he could come sing to the weary travelers. Finally, they ambled over our way, black tight pants with silver clips and buttons down the pants and just so cool. So they were strumming away and I am sucking down that drink like last call and grinning wide enough to show molars and of the guys says something to Judy. I grinned really big at her and asked what he "wanted". She said he wants $6.00 damnit. I said OK and handed him the money and said play again because I realized Judy's sister would love to hear them play and sing and she was back home at work. So they are really getting down this time and I dial a number and hold the phone up for a few minutes and God only knows who was on the other line, but it was not Janis. Damn, I had to redial and that was gonna mean another $6.00 and we had no clue what the hell they were singing. It happened, they sang, Janis loved it and we were all happy.

The next day we checked out of the hotel -- we are still lugging these suitcases. We were not smart enough to pack a change of clothes and underwear each time we left for a new venue....that would have been way too easy. We head to Abilene, I love that song, don't you. "Pretty girls don't treat you mean in Abilene."
I think George Hamilton, IV sang that song. We found a so-so Hampton Inn and checked in. Oh My God, as we are driving down the feeder road to the hotel I see a sign that reads "Livestock Auction" the next night. I'm in Heaven..... I said oh we have to go to the auction and after dinner we have to go up that road so I can see the bulls. I love cattle -- I must be a reincarnated Texan, ya think? Poor Judy, she is not into livestock -- cowboys yes, horses and cattle no. So after dinner we drive up the dirt road to the barns. Well they had different size bulls, calves, cows, in different pens everywhere. HUGE bulls, all kinds. I walked over to the gates and said "Granny's here" and baby talked to them. Those that didn't stampede were very curious, especially the calves, they were so cute with those big brown eyes and eyelashes. Then I walked over to the BULL pens, she kept yelling I was going to be killed and "that I would be sorry." We read the signs and learned that the auction was to begin at 9 the next morning. I could hardly sleep from excitement.

The next morning I went to the "kitchen" and it was full of men, I guess they were there for the auction. I was so excited when I saw they had two waffle makers. So I fixed my coffee and waffles and had breakfast and people watched. Got Judy's breakfast to her and hurried her as fast as I could. Off we went. My God there were big Caddilacs, big new Ford and Dodge Trucks and18 wheelers everywhere, cattle bawling, mooing, bellering. We went in and the building was round and not at all what we expected. We assumed the seating would be bleachers. We were wrong, just like stadium seating, except old theater seats. It really smelled like cows too. Damn, I knew there was gonna be a cowboy there. I felt like a kid at a circus. Judy told me calm down. (My daughter says "calm down Bevis" when I get that way) We had never been to anything like that so it was interesting. They had a small little area that had a gate leading into it and a gate leading out. There was a tobacco chewing guy standing next to each gate (about 5 ft off the ground covered with straw and manure). They would run one cow in at a time, start bidding and the poor animals were scared too death. The gate keepers each had a whip that they cracked and sometimes popped the animal, I think more to scare them than to hurt them, I hope. We actually met a bookkeeper for the Auction who was from Virginia originally and had moved to Texas with her husband, so that was fun. By the way -- no cowboys, just rednecks and old fat men with big hats and big bellies to match. I was disheartned. I took a walk and left Judy upstairs and walked the grounds and saw how they unloaded cattle from three levels of a tractor trailer and how easy it looked. I then went back to the Auction building and into their store. There sat the whips. Leather, braided whips, many different colors. I could not leave Texas w/o a whip. The fellows that sold it to me were wannabe cowboys. I asked to see the whips. I tried to make it crack and couldn't. There was one man working in the store and some guy just hanging out. The one hanging out asked if I wanted that whip for my children or grandchildren and I said NO; they wanted to know if I wanted it for my boyfriend and I said NO; I want to use it on my husband. One of them slapped his knee and said HOLD ON LADY, LET ME GET YOU A STUN GUN. I said I don't want to kill him, just get his attention. About this time Judy arrived. She then proceeded to tell them I had wanted to drink a beer out of a longneck bottle and see a real cowboy. The salesman loved it. He said come on girls, I'm gonna shut this place down and we are all going to go to Chili's for lunch and a beer. There was also a female broker (that works for a cattle company out of Chicago) and she was having a ball. Now the guy who had wanted to know who I was gonna use the whip on was just too full of himself. He was such a flirt. I said listen fella, you get outta hand and I will use this whip on you. The salesman said that's it girls, I want to see that happen, let's go. We joked and talked for a little while and we went away on our own.

Found us a hotel and checked in and "unwound". The next morning I smell my way to the food and YIPPEE, it's waffle machines again. It was a very small dining room and nobody in there spoke English except me (or they were pretending). So nobody to talk to. I had grabbed a paper and was reading that and waiting for my waffles to cook. I had tied up both machines because I was HUNGRY. While I sat and ate my waffles, two men in business suits came in and asked if I could tell them how to operate the waffle makers. I wanted to say Hell yea, I used to work at Waffle House, but I restrained myself. Nobody in there looked fun. So I told them to spray the hot burners and pour a cup of batter over it and close it up and wait for the beep. I looked up as one of the guys covered the burner with whipped cream. You know that made my day and they got a kick out of it too. They had to clean it all up, their waffles stuck and then I had to pick Judy's out in pieces. MEN!!! Nothing happened here that was even remotely interesting.

Our next stop was Wichita Falls. After unpacking I saw a huge black bug scurrying across the room. OH GOD, a roach was all I could think of. I stomped it's guts all over the carpet. I knew I would worry all night about bugs in the room. The next morning, I did the breakfast duty, came back and while Judy ate I got in the shower. The water would either get scalding hot or icy cold. I called the front desk raising hell. They told me that we should go next door and use that shower. UNREAL. I told them HELL NO, we were checking out and wanted a discount. They took $20 off of our bill and we left without our showers. I went to the car to clean the the bug guts off of the windshield. Now instead of parking up against those concrete logs in parking lots, one of us parked to the side of it. I walk in a trot all the time anyway and I got what I needed out of the car and never looked down and fell over one of those concrete log and nearly killed myself. OH SHIT I SCREAMED. I tried to jump up fast but I couldn't. I had torn all the skin off of my knees, elbows, fingers. I wanted to cry so bad. I heard something and two of the Mexican maids came to help me but they couldn't get me up. I said No, No -- probably really loud to, in case they didn't understand English -- you know how talking loud helps, right. Then they ran over to these two guys and I guess they all worked there and the guys just looked at me and finally after much talking they started over and I said No, No ,and I got up, embarassed and hurt. I was a cripple for a week. No matter though, we were on our way to Sweetwater, Texas.

Sweetwater, Texas. That is such a cowboy town name, isn't it. As we were driving into Sweetwater, we see the plateaus covered with huge windmills, just like those in Palm Springs. The only difference was, these weren't moving. We drove through Colorado City and Big Springs, thinking we were gonna see quaint little towns. What we saw were ghost towns. Even the schools were boarded up. We would see a 7-11 and maybe a gas station but the "downtowns" were gone. Storefronts covered with plywood. Very disappointing. We had our books and chairs in case we found a creek or a river to sit by and read. The creeks were even dried up.

We are really looking forward to revisiting Fort Worth. Now there are some cowboys.
We knew that they would run the longhorns through town to the stockyards and the cowboys would be herding them on horses, photo ops galore. There is also always a longhorn bull there that you can ride and/or have your picture taken on. Saddle, bridle, everything. HUGE ASS HORNS. For lunch that day I had fried green tomatoes and margueritas and Judy had stuffed baked potatoes. I guess I'm the alcoholic.

Across the street from where we had lunch I noticed a boot store. BE STILL MY HEART. Friendly help and lots of it. An elderly man came to my rescue and started out by showing me some $1800 boots. I told him that was way out of my league. Then I saw the pair that I had to have. Snake skin. OH MY GOD, WAS I COOL OR WHAT. He found a size 10 and after a couple of margueritas I thought I could stand on one foot and put on a pair of boots. NOT! We sat down and I realized there was no way in hell these boots were going on. I almost had my leg up even with my shoulder when the salesman came over to me with a huge smile and a pair of "boot hooks". Showed me how to hook in the straps on the top of the boot and pull 'em right on. Heaven, I'm in Heaven.... He gave me a boot jack (to get them off with for free).

We left the store and headed up the street to wait for the cattle run. We found a bench under a shade tree and settled in for the long run. I HAVE PICTURES. You will just have to go to MYSPACE and see them (I still haven't figured out how to pixs by these paragraphs) I saw a fellow dressed as an Indian in his suede, fringed outfit across the street holding his horse and I ran over and had my picture taken with him. I also had my picture taken on the Bull with the saddle, again. I was having a hard time pulling myself up in the stirrups and the handler said "put your arm around my neck darlin". I am sure I melted. When I had done this several years earlier, the handler had a long handled mustache and was so funny. He tried his best to push my big ass up on the bull and realized it was gonna take a bigger man than him. So he "walked that bull up a set of steps" (visitor center) and I was able to get on him there. As I slung my leg over the bull he peed a stream a mile long. Then the handler walked me around the circle. They don't do that anymore so you only sit on the bull.

Anyway back to the cowboys riding in the street waiting for the herd's arrival. There was a really handsome black cowboy with chaps and a big ole hat on and he had a whip. He would slow ride by and crack that whip and I would clap and jump up and down. When he smiled, one of his front teeth was gold and it sparkled. The men that work the horses and cattle ride are Fort Worth Town Employees and they volunteer to do this. Fabulous to know people like that. They were so friendly and nice.

I joined Judy under the tree and not long after that a mother and 4 of her sons joined us. They were as cute as they could be. Giggling and laughing and blowing bubbles. I said I really want some of that bubble gum you all are chewing. Judy rolls her eyes and shakes her head. She would never be so brazen. I look at the youngest and he grins and says I don't have it, my brother has it and it was like that with the other 3. I said ok, whoever gives me a piece of gum first gets a $1.00 bill. Talk about them finding the gum -- in a N.Y. minute. They ranged in age from 7-4. One of them had huge front teeth, one had no front teeth the younger ones were cute but not as much personality. I talked with them for a little while and they told me they moved to Texas from California but their grandparents lived in Ft. Worth.

Their Mother was talking with someone else and told them not to get in the street that the bulls would be coming soon and to stay on the sidewalk or else. So they walked in front of my to the curb and I pushed all 4 of them off the curb into the street and their Mother saw them in the street and yelled at them. The boys were giggling and had wads of gum in their mouths and couldn't tell her I had done it and I am sure she didn't see it. That went on for at least 10 minutes til they were almost hysterical from laughing. We must have done that 4 or 5 times. Their Mother wasn't happy with them. I had so much fun with the kids and the cowboys and watching the cattle drive.

We stayed in a Raddison Hotel that night and it was fabulous. The beds had remote controls. No, not vibrators. We noticed we had been invaded by tiny ants. We didn't bring them in because we had too much other stuff to carry. We had green tea for dinner and rested great in those beds. When Judy got up she said she thought 5 lbs of fat had slid off of her during the night. I told her not to worry, it was only her comforter. Party pooper.

The next day we packed up and headed for Rockwall, Texas. I have a cousin there that I haven't seen for several years. She promises to take me to Sam Moon shopping. I am not sure how far away Dallas is from there but we get lost on the way to the store and lost on the way home. She has to call her husband and he has to get on mapquest and do a search to tell us how to get home. I have no idea about towns in that area, so I was no help and she had never driven there alone. I am pretty sure we were on the George Bush highway. While we were in Sam Moon's I was so happy. Glitter, Glitter everywhere. Did I tell you my daughter calls me a Racoon. I must have glitter! Rhinestones, sapphires, diamonds, jewels, bangles. So I bought several CoCoa Channel knock-offs as well as a huge belt buckle with a $ sign made with rhinestones. It is far out, especially with jeans and my snakesink boots.

Two days in Rockwall and we were off to Memphis to see the KING. We have loved Elvis since we were 11 or 12 yrs old. My daddy went to Memphis on a business trip when Elvis first became popular. He bought me a set of 45's by Elvis. I played them over and over and over until I wore the music off. Those were the days.

The next day we found our hotel in South Haven, Mississippi. About 15 minutes from Memphis, if you don't get lost. Judy had gotten on line and scheduled us for the Memphis MOJO Music Tour. We talk for hours about the fun that will be and going to BB King's place, and hearing the blues and eating ribs and barbecue. I think we started to drool. We unloaded, we were almost pros by then. Not as much grunting and groaning. Not once, did a man offered to hold a door, help carry or push. I think it's because we're fat? We treated ourselves to dinner at the Olive Garden and even dessert. YUUUUUM.

That night I took a Dramamine because I have motion sickness. I took one the next morning as well. Didn't want to throw up on the bus. Judy read me the ad for the tour and it said if you have an instrument, bring it along and play. She called the number on the ad and got directions to the office where we were to meet. We had to be there by 2:30. As we left the hotel for Memphis, I asked Judy to read the directions out loud. Judy can't read her writing. She doesn't want to call back and sound stupid and she was sure the man would "recognize" her sexy voice. So as we drove I called and asked for directions and repeated them and told her to write legibly in the car. We found Beale Street and waited on the tour bus to arrive. The tour was great, we drove around Memphis, and learned about the beginning of the blues, rock and roll and which music originated in Memphis. Our tour guide was as cute as he could be and sounded like Elvis, Jerry Lee and all of the other old timers. His name was MEMPHIS. We sang and clapped and had a wonderful time. The next day was a tour of Graceland. We knew we would be reunited with the King.

We drove home that night with a smile on our face and a song in our heart. As we walked to our room, Judy notice one of the rooms on our floor had an easy chair. She asked one of the maids if we could get one also. Sure enough, one was brought to us. Judy was in heaven. I was hungry. I walked to the car to get a bag of pretzels and on the first floor was a man with a combo refrigerator/microwave. I said we don't have one of those in our room and we really need it. He said well these were special ordered for the 28 NAVY SEALS THAT HAVE JUST LEFT. I said oh my God, what I would given to see a Navy Seal. He said Lady, there are 50 more in our hotel next door. I laughed out loud and said, hmmm I think I may be too old. He said Honey, anything above ground is gravy. I'm not sure I know what that means, but it has something to do, I think, if you're not dead.....we're not too old. Anyway he delivered that combo right up to our room. I told Judy we should have a jock strap raid on the Fairfield Inn next door and she rolled her eyes.

The next morning we drove into Memphis and rode the tour bus to Graceland. Wall-to-wall people. It was like an amusement park, maybe worse. We waited our turn to board a little bus to cross the street to Graceland. We kinda got a chill when we drove up to the house. What a let down. I am sure that back in the 50's that was truly a mansion. Now it is a dark, mildewy house. It was fun to see the rooms and the furniture but you could only look thru the doorways. I didn't stay in very long, remember, I walk fast. Judy stayed longer, she is sentimental and cries easily. I got outside where I could get some fresh air and watch some horses gallop in a field behind the house. After the tour of the house we had to wait on a van to take us back across the road and drop us. Then we had to wait for the bus to pick us up. We visited the shops and the planes and we were ready to blow the joint. We had an hour wait before we were picked up. We finally got back on Beale Street and went into BB King's restaurant and had a snack (ribs) and listened to some really old man practice. Then Judy and I took our own little walking tour around that neighborhood.

This had been a long trip for two ole gals. We were ready to head back to the mountains of ole Virginny.

Since I don't have a cheat sheet and there were no more e-mails home, this is gonna wind it up. We had a wonderful road trip as usual but never saw a real cowboy.


We will try again, there's always a road trip in the works.

Happy Trails