A FUN NIGHT HAVING A SLEEP STUDY DONE

The first sleep study I had done this year was at 6:30 p.m. Bright and shiny when I arrived at the clinic, even tho while trying to manage favorite pillows, a makeup bag, travel bag with pj's, underwear, clean clothes, etc, the clinician spoke to me through the open window near my head and I screamed and jump and pissed myself. After we both quit laughing she pushed the button and let me go in to the bathroom and clean up. Her name was Heather and we knew it was gonna be a wild ride. True to form that night was giggles and laughter most of the night. I asked if she had any snacks and she asked if I was hungry. I told her to look at me and then asked if I looked hungry. I thought she would drown in her own saliva when she tried not to laugh. I said yea, bitch laugh. Do you or do you not have any food. When she finally got herself under control she thought there might be some old blueberry muffins. I said "no chocolate" and we laughed again. So that was the first trip under MEDICARE. I had my first study done when I was a member of the WORKING CLASS and belonged to an ANTHEM group. So Heather hooked all these wires up to me head, and glued them to my scalp, face, neck, chin, boobs, under boobs, back, shin bone, ankles. We found something funny about that as well.



We were both exhausted after that workout and she told me to take a break and she would look for chocolates or something and I could fill out the 5 pages of forms. She also had another lady to get rigged up. So I watched TV and filled out the form. Heather came back with the tiniest can of coke I have ever seen. It had sugar and it went down real gooooood. So we said our good nights and she left. Ohhhhh Ohhhhh, I forgot to tell you that these sleep studies are filmed. Snoring, farting, whatever you do. I had to sign a Release agreeing to that. So the next morning I awoke knowing that since I do have sleep apnea I would have a breathing machine over my nose and mouth and oxygen would be forced down my throat keeping my airway open. Well, much to my dismay and surprise. When I could finally open my eyes and I could barely hear her voice (hearing aids in a drawer) she said time to rise and shine. I said where the fuck is my breathing machine? She said with Medicare we have to do a STUDY first. You will have to come back and have another one done. WELL HOLY SHIT. I PITY THE FOOL that has to watch that. So I am sure I was gasping and gagging and snoring and choking and talking and cursing (I am bilingual and bisexual and can do many things) all night long. So we started laughing again. My hair looked like someone had glued pieces of it together with super glue and there was no way in hell it was coming unglued. Even tho the eye make up was taken off, there was a whoooooole lot left on. I don't know where it hid while the other came off. Maybe I rub my eyes too. I had mascara down to my cheeks. I looked like some ghost with glue matted in its hair. So I hit the huge walk in shower (big enough for an old person in a wheel chair) and took my time while thinking of where I could have breakfast. Breakfast was from a drive-thru Hardees and consisted of two butter biscuits and coffee with 18 creamers. I sang along with moldy oldies on my XM radio all the way and the day was great.

SLEEP STUDY 3 WEEKS LATER WITH A MAN CLINICIAN


Last nights slept study began at 8:30 p.m. It was almost dark. I knew I had to walk up that long ramp to get in the building. It is scary at night. There are bushes grown where anyone could hide and jump out and getcha. This time I didn't take all that junk. No pillows and just a lighter load. I had gone to dinner with my kids at Applebees and they had salad type things like I did. But I got an Asian chicken salad. I really wanted a mixed drink but figured they would ask if I had or smell it on me and cancel the study. So I didn't have my drink. We had a great time at dinner and went to the drugstore next door and my daughter-in-law looked up above the entrance and saw this huge snake skin wrapped around part of the decorative entrance. Well, we told everyone going in and coming out. We know how to draw a crowd. Finally some little smart ass clerk (male of course) came out and said NAAAY, it's not real - we put it up there to keep the birds away. We said sure you did. So we went into the store, bought lots of candy and left. I was sure as hell gonna have candy this time: Maple Nut Goodies (like my grandmother used to have) and 2 large bags of peanut M&M's.

So I check out with $14 worth of candy and heading to the clinic.
I got there with a minute to spare. I was hoping Heather would be there again. Nope it was a MAN. OH GOD, he is gonna be gluing those things all over me. Should be interesting.

As I got ready to open the door, he ALSO spoke threw the window, "IT'S OPEN". I was prepared and opened the door and went right in. He met me and opened the entrance to the clinic and I said don't say anything, show me to the bathroom and QUICK. He said right this way and run. I knew we would have fun then. I just barely made it to the bathroom. He took all my luggage as I came in and sorta threw it at him and said "show me..." There are 6 bedrooms there and each one has its own bath and if there is a community bathroom, I have no idea where it is and didn't have time to wait for a tour.

I guess he listened for a flush because once I had flushed and washed my hands, he knocked on my door and brought my stuff in. He was cute and funny and married. I can find out a lot in 5 min and he probably didn't even know he had told me. His name was David and he lived about 45 miles away and had children and his children were girls and his 3 dogs were girls too. He was happy. He smiled all the time. We made small talk and he explained different things he was going to asking me to do, filling out forms, taking my blood pressure, taping a pulse machine over my finger, gluing electrodes in my hair (to my scalp), under my pj's on my legs, to my neck, chin, forehead, back of neck. So he would leave me to put on my pj's and he would be back. I was to sit in a straight jack and if I had some sleep tablet that I took to sleep to take that too.

So knowing there is a microphone and camera in there I went in the bathroom to undress. You know that younger men are always interested in 67 yr old women don't you??

Whether David peaked or listened or waited til I opened my door, I don't know. I opened my door, turned the TV on loud and he came back about 10 min later. As I said earlier, David did have a great sense of humor. So I had put on red silk pj's long legs and long sleeves. Had I had shorties I would have worn them since I am always burning up. So David has on his blue dr. scrubs and is squatting at my feet. I had already started jerking his chain and he was laughing. So David said he was gonna roll up my pj legs. I grasped my throat and said WHY? He looked really serious and said he was sorry, he thought I knew that and I shook my head and then he said that he was going to run the electrodes hooked to my shin bone up the front of my thigh and up the front of my stomach to my chest. I still had this wide-eyed look on my face and he wasn't sure if I was jerking his chain or what. Then he said is that okay? I said I guess. So we did that. Then he said, "my wife has been wanting some silk pjs". I asked him what made him thin of that. Poor thing. He said well yours did. I said why haven't you bought her some and he replied that he just never thought of them. I said so you are looking at me and thinking of your wife in my pj's? He said Oh, No mam. I just keep staring at him. He was trying so hard not to get rattled. Then he had to hand me another electrode up the left leg for me to put my hand down the top of my thigh to grab. I told him he had rolled the leg up too tight on my knee and was going to have to lower it some. He gladly did that too. That was done. Then he had to glue them almost on my boob. I had to be careful not to laugh at him. He got those done. He was then afraid that by taping the pulse thing on my new fingernails that the polish would come off. I said well I guess you all can reimburse me for that. It only costs $60.00. He was soooooo careful.

Next he started gluing the electrodes to my face, starting with my chin. I said JESUS H, do you have to remove the damn skin first. He laughed and I said what are you putting on my skin and he was so droll when he said acetone. I said Don't be a SMART ASS DAVID. He said well you started it. He was getting the hang of it. He put them on my neck, face, chest and then behind the ears and then in the hair (that had been colored that day). I remembered today that when Heather had done it, she had an electrode under each boob -- I think he just couldn't go there. hahaha

So he said well why don't you get ready for bed and I will get the machine on you and...... I said wait a minute, I am not ready for bed. He then said he had another client to get ready. I said well go get that person done and leave my ass alone. I am gonna read or watch TV. He said, well let's at least try the mask on you. I said alright. I picked up the mask and said that's way tooo small. He said NO IT ISN'T. I said YES IT IS. He said NO IT ISN'T. I said I would think I know better than you. He said I doubt it. I said wanna put some $$$ where your mouth is? He laughed and said NO. I said fine, but it on me and you will BE WRONG. He said NO I WON'T, I SAID YES YOU WILL, that went back and forth 2 or 3 times. Finally he put it on and it worked for about 5 seconds and then it wouldn't stay in place and I laughed and said nanner nanner nanner. He said I knew I was gonna loose. So he got the medium and that particular one wouldn't work either and then he got one like the one I use at home and PRESTO, it worked. I sat up in the bed and held my arms out and sang the MIGHTY MOUSE SONG. "HERE I COME TO SAVE THE DAY" and he really enjoyed that.

He had to go test his equipment in the testing room and automatically turned off my TV (shithead). Then made me do eye exercises, breathing so many times, blink my eyes and said perfect. And the next thing I remembered was him waking me up at 5:30 a.m. I said Jesus David why are you waking me up at this hour? He said my shift is over and I had to finish you up, finish my paperwork and go home. So as he took all the electrodes off, I filled out his paperwork. I said I bet half this shit is where I am suppose to write how wonderful you were and he said yes mam. HAHAH It was true, a whole page. Once I finished my praises of him and the clinic I went to bed and slept til 9 a.m. Never saw David again.

What I did forget to mention was that I had told David about Heather having no food or sweets. I said so here are some maple nut goodies for you. He said WONDERFUL; I love toffee -- thank you so much. I realized this morning that I forgot (hahaha) to leave them a huge bag of M&M chocolate covered peanuts. Hell, they won't go to waste.

Hope you enjoyed my fun




















:300

WOKING WOCKY

In February of this year, while getting my hair colored, I received a call from a friend who lives in North Carolina. The friend owns a beautiful condo at Myrtle Beach. That's how I met her -- by the pool at the Regency. Janis called and I was sitting on the couch with bleach burning my scalp and we chit chatted for a few and said she wanted to ask me a favor. I said sure I will do it. She said how can you say that when you don't even know what I am gonna ask you! I said that's what friends are for. She then said well, I wanted to see if "you'uns would keep Rocky while me and Bob go on a cruise." I said sure, where and when. She told me the cruise was in March and we could either keep him at their home in North Wilkesboro, N.C. at their log cabin orrrrrrrr at the condo at Myrtle Beach, S.C. (16th floor) ocean front. WHICH DO YOU THINK I CHOSE?????? Right, the Oceanfront condo.

I could hardly wait to get that damned bleach out of my hair and call Judy. She knew she had some commitment in March and it finally dawned on her that on the 22nd of March she had to meet her sister at Duke University Hospital for a consultation. Perfect timing. Our friends returned on the 20th. HOT DAMN -- we love it when a plan comes together.

The Dog, Rocky, is a rat terrier and I don't care what anyone else says. He is not a Jack Russell and he is not a Chihuahua. He is a RAT TERRIER. He also should have been named Barney Fife. We were told when we were first introduced to Rocky that he was an abused dog. Janice had adopted him from the Security Guard, Jack, who worked at the Regency. Janice had other dogs had home, so what was one more. Rocky had not let me or Judy get very close to him in the past. We could rub an ear, touch him as he ran by, but that was about it.

We arrived in S.C. on Thursday to get acquainted with Rocky. Of course, Rocky was a wreck and never let Janice out of his sight the whole time we were there. He knew something was up, dogs are smart. Judy and I both felt so sorry for him. Being left alone with two women that he had no damned idea who they were. He kept his tail tucked as he ran around us, soooo sad. That Thursday night, we had dinner and Janis decided that
I would sleep in the Master Bedroom where she and Rocky usually slept. He had a cute set of wood steps that he ran up and down to get on the king sized bed. I slept in the Master Suite all alone, Janice and Rocky across the hall and Judy in the 3rd bedroom. The next morning, Janice and I had coffee and I told her I would like to take him out to do his business. She agreed that would be a good idea and she would watch from the balcony. The walk went without a hitch and I even chased him around in circles for awhile, playing. When we came back in, she said she was not going to stay another night that she could see he was in good hands; she would go home and get ready to fly to California.

Rocky did fine after she was gone. I took over for Janice just fine.
Rocky followed me everywhere, exactly the way he did Janice. Everything fell right into place as I had planned. Something I haven't told you was that Rocky does NOT eat dog food. He eats Oscar Mayer sandwich meats: ham, turkey, chicken. He also eats Hormel roast beef, shaved, not sliced. He now eats Beneful stews, thanks to us. Not quite a normal dog, but a little closer. The other thing he does is drinks milk, 2% several times a day. Before Rocky eats or drinks anything he takes his nose and acts like he his covering his food up. He goes around all sides of the dish or bowl and then he eats and/or drinks. He has his own ritual. Fun to watch unless you want him to eat a balanced meal so he will poop on schedule.

There was some old woman that was always in the lobby when we were. Janice had introduced us to her when we first arrived. Everytime Rocky and I would exit the elevator she would say come here Rocky and he would back into the elevator or get under my feet or take off when the automatic front doors would open. I finally told her she was going to have to quit speaking to him because I thought her voice was scaring him. Hell, it was scaring me. I could tell she was a smoker and a sun lover and she was dripping in jewels. Rocky was not impressed. I had this fear of stepping on that little dog and his guts spilling out everywhere. He is so tiny and he would never walk beside or in front of me. I was constantly turning and spinning in the lobby or on the beach or sidewalk. People probably thought I was a crack head. You know they have all kinds of quirks like that. I felt like I was spinning that whole week. He was very quick too.

For some reason I started calling the dog Wocky. A family member had a speech impediment and could not say his "R"s -- and you know by now that I never pass up an opportunity to poke fun. So when time came to come up with a title, I looked at Judy propped up on the bed and said what should this title be and her reply was Walking Wocky. My God, Perfect. I called him Wocky Woo, Gwanny's Wocky, Wookie Wocky, and probably anything you all can imagine. Judy said he probably thinks that he is in a mental institute here with us. I danced with him in my arms and sang right along with the music. I actually think he enjoyed the dancing, and especially, my leading, because it took a lot of responsibility off of him, especially since he is such a shy male.

I told Janice that I had seen a coupon at Bed, Bath and Beyond for Doggie Car Seats. Is that cute or what. I told her the price was $29.99. I thought it would be cute to get Rocky one. She said that a friend of hers had one for her dog and it was a Cadillac car seat and even had a Cadillac emblem on the front. Well, EXCUSEEEEEEEEEE ME. She said, here is some money just get him one. Of coure, Bed, Bath and Beyond at Myrtle Beach didn't have any and did not even carry pet supplies. Off we went to find a Pet Smart. Carried BooBoo in with us and he was a wreck when the other dogs were coming around and sniffing us and barking and jumping. So sad he cannot have fun. Judy found the seats. Pet Smart had 2 different kind of seats. Cheap for $29.99 and less cheap for $49.99 lined with lamb's wool. She helped me decide to let Janice buy the $189 Cadillac seat and that Judy would buy the cheap onen for Jake, her poodle grandson that she would be babysitting when we returned home. So in the meantime, Rocky could use the cheap seat. He took to the cheap seat very well. The funny thing about that was it only works on a bucket seat. Judy thought it would work on back seats --- WRONG! She said she would be damned if she was riding in the back seat and the dog riding in the front. That problem was quickly rectified. Dog seat taken out, replaced by dog bed. Perfect.

Well let's move away from Wocky now. This is a subject matter that Judy has had a lot of fun with, of course, it deals with MY PAIN. Last year while at the beach we notice that the nail salon did individual eyelashes (both eyes, full set for $35). Damn, sounded like a deal to us. REMEMBER THAT SAYING: IF IT SOUNDS TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE, IT PROBABLY IS. TRUST ME, THIS WAS ONE OF THOSE DEALS. As usual we were short on cash and decided maybe next time we would do it. Since this was "next time" I went for it. Judy decided to wait and see how mine turned out. So if I didn't loose my vision or have all my eyelashes ripped out by the roots, she might consider. She decided to babysit Wocky. That was good because I was vewy tiwed of baby sitting. I walked into the Salon spoke with the first person who spoke English and signed up. I was taken into a small room with a blanket covering a cot. I know it was a cot because the metal "wads" (rods) were killwing my back. I did make the gal change the cover on the pillow. Who knew what or who had been there before me or what they had done on it??? GAWDDDDDDDDDD

Once I was settled on the "wads" I was shown two cases of eyelashes. There were about 8-10 lashes glued together in a group. The lashes looked like small spiders. I was then asked if I wanted small or long. Well first of all, I always "upgrade" (as my daughter says). So I told her I wanted long. So the girl held my face towards her and told me to be very still (hahaha). Once I saw the dagger-like tweezers I decided I would try my damndest not to cough or sneeze or jump. Let the "torture" begin. First of all, should you or anyone you know decide to have this procedure done: ASK WHETHER THEY PUT THE EYELASHES ON TOP OF YOUR REAL EYELASHES OR UNDERNEATH YOUR LASHES. IT IS VERY, VERY, IMPORTANT TO KNOW THAT. Otherwise, you will pray for waterboarding instead.

As I held my eye WIDE OPEN with everything I had, the girl took the spider with 8-10 legs, covered it's ass with BLACK glue and stuck it to the bottom of my top eyelid. My eyelid fluttered like a butterfly and cried like a baby. I had no idea my eye was crying tears until they ran into my ear. Then the pain hit me and I screamed. The girl said I-yi-yi, I-yi-yi. I said you sound like Lucille Ball on I Love Lucy. She then told me I was making too much noise and moving. She reminded me not to move because it was dangerous. Ok, now I will admit that I must be an idiot since I did not leave after that first eyelashes were glued on and go home and Wock Wocky. I tried to blow like I see women do in labor on TV. Then she picked up more black spiders and I held vewy still. OH JESUS, it happened again, fluttering and tears -- no screaming. I finally said I need to see a mirror, this doesn't seem right. She wanted to know why I said that. I told her I wanted a mirror. HOLY SHIT. I had BLACK TARANTULAS UP TO MY EYEBROWS. THE BLACK GLUE HOLDING THEM ON WAS EVEN WORSE. I could not stop looking nor would my eye quit crying on its own. I said get them off, they are too long and hideous. That is when she told me that it was my fault and I chose them. I said you were right, GET THEM OFF. She asked if I wanted to try smaller. I thought about that and reasoned that smaller probably wasn't as bad. STUPID, STUPID, STUPID.

The work started with the smaller lashes and it was just as bad, if not worse. I wanted to scream but I wanted to have nice, thick lashes. By the time I got out of there my eyes hurt so fucking bad that I didn't want to blink. I am still not sure if it was the BLACK GLUE or the SPIDER LEGS that were STICKING THE SHIT OUT OF ME. Maybe they were made from horse hair or pubic hair? I could not stop myself from squinting and squeezing my eyes together. I know if someone had seen me they would have thought I had Turretts Syndrome and there was no help for me. A Dr. would not make a human being go out in public squeezing their face up like that. By the time I got home to Wocky and Judy I had double vision. Judy could not quit looking at. She really did not even laugh. Had it been me, looking at her, I would have fallen off the couch screaming and laughing. The sad part is that neither of us thought to take a picture. Had we taken a picture and put it on this blog, you would not have believed that I would have left the store looking like that. Several people asked to see them as I walked out of the Salon. I guess they heard me while I was in that little room and wanted to see how bad it looked. Nobody said JESUS, what did they do to you...or are you going to sue or are you going to pay for that?

I was told that I had to be very careful and not get those lashes wet. They would only last 2 weeks. I had a whole week to play in the pool. WTF.
Don't even get your lashes wet in shower, wash face vewy cafuwy. What a waste of $35 that was gonna be. I thought if they come off in the pool kids are gonna scream "there are spiders in the pool," mammmmmmma. HAHAHA

That night before taking Wocky for his evening Constitutional on the beach, I tried to pull some of the lashes off and brought more tears. How could I find him in the sea oats, or find his poop, I was blind and it hurt to squint. Then I slathered cold cream all over one eye and all that did was get the grease in my eye and made it water again and BURN. Wocky was prancing by the time we got outside and it was 9:30 p.m. Hopefully nobody would try to attack, rape or kidnap me while I was blinded and they would be afraid of catching whatever I had wrong with my eyes. After the walk I tucked Wocky in and got in the shower and held my face as close to the shower head as possible with hot water pounded my swollen, red eyelids. Don't forget that you cannot get those SUCKERS wet... RIGHTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT. The next morning there was one tarantula on my pillow and when I picked it up WOCKY was frightened (not really). We haul out of bed, go scald my eyelids again and another tarantula obviously fell into the washcloth and when it fell into the sink it did scare me because I did think it was a small spider. I had to laugh at myself.

Judy said that she could not believe that I slept at all or that poor Rocky did either. Between the pain from the tarantulas and my talking. She said that she was walking to her room one night and heard me talking and was talking back to me before she realized that I was not talking to her at all. Seems I talk and answer myself too.

Once Rocky and I returned from our morning walk on the beach, I put hot cloths on my eyes again, Judy took care of Rocky and I high-tailed it back to the Nail Salon. Just my luck, same girl was still there. She was busy with a pedicure so I got a manicure while I waited (what is a little more pain by someone new). When Eyelash Torturer is finished she is told in another language probably something like "fat bitch that screamed yesterday now wants lashes off". So she comes over while another is doing my nails and said "what's wrong". I told her they were ugly and hurt like hell and to get them off. She goes to the torture chamber, gets acid, while another technician files my nails; the eyelid technician puts glue remover on my eyelids that I have already SKINNED and not only does it set me on fire, but it runs down into my eyes and I start SCREAMING that I needed a wet paper towel. Someone handed me a paper towel and I threw it in the floor and said I could not see and I need a COOL WET TOWEL. THEN I HAD ABOUT 15 at once. That did help the burning but I honestly thought I would be blind and that it was ACID or NAIL POLISH REMOVER. Judy thought it would be a great lawsuit -- but only if I was truly blind. Before this paragraph ends -- the removal was almost as painful as having the lashes put on, because alot of my real lashes went with the tarantulas, she had to pick the glue off with the scapel tweezers and got more skin than glue. Funny thing they all wanted to HUG ME goodbye (lawsuit??? -- think they were afraid?)

As usual while we are at Myrtle Beach we went to Sticky Fingers for barbecue and ribs. Judy likes to order a SLAB. She does eat the ribs, but I think she just likes to say the word "SLAB". It sounds so dirty, when I type it.

One day we took Rocky to the Barc Parc (how clever is that name). Very new dog park that we found last year. Oh God, I absolutely loved it. Dogs are separated into two sizes - and if they reach the marker height on the fence they go in the medium to big size and the others are little to cocker spaniel size. I wanted to introduce Rocky because we knew he had never been to something like that. Hell, I was more excited that he or the other dogs when we got there, I even wanted to go pee on a tree or something. So I am encouraging him and telling him how much fun he is going to have and he is shivering and shaking. Judy and I get out of the car and I carried him in. The dogs on both sides are like Walmart Greeters. They run to the damned fence and jump and bark and grin and wag their tails, it is a sight to behold. I know the big dogs were so very sad that we didn't come into their side, cause we do look like a fun group at first glance. As we went in the park, those little bastards were yipping and peeing and trying to trip us. I set Rocky down and immediately, everyone wanted to smell his ass. WTF is that all about? He stood there and tolerated it for a few minutes, looked at me so pitiful as though I was dropping him off at the SPCA and then he took off sniffing the ground and peeing as he ran. He was very vulnerable with his tail up in the air, I was concerned. I didn't want him to be the weird kid so I take off running and and whooping and he stopped sniffing and peeing and ran and the other dogs were wondering if we were having more fun they we should be -- some checked us out and some didn't care. I saw a beautiful big dog on the other side of the fence smiling at the other dogs and wishing he could play and as I walked up to rub him, some snortin and snottin Boston Terrier tried to eat the big old smilin Sheperd up. Smiley just looked at SNORT HEAD in amazement. Smiley's owner said he loved to play and he was just taking a break. He looked like a nice dog too. After SNORT HEAD found something else to do Rocky checked out Smiley for a moment and looked at me with his big brown eyes begging to go home. So we did. I know he had fun.

One evening we were coming from Pet Smart and Judy let me out so Rocky could pee. The parking lot was crowded due to paving and she was gonna have to search for a place to park. Rocky and I walked down the sidewalk to the beach and Rocky started barking at something rather than doing his "bizness". A older man with a "shit-sue" was walking towards us with a purpose. His dog was in a camoflauge jacket and on a leash. Rocky was in his favorite blue and green shamrock sweater sans leash. The man and dog stopped and the man said something and I asked him to repeat himself. He did, telling me there was a leash law. Smart ass that I am, I said it's not my dog. (I was so tickled with myself) He just looked at me in disbelief and I pretended I didn't notice. He asked if I lived at Myrtle Beach and I told him no and that I was a dog sitter from VA. That didn't seem to phase him that either I was REAL GOOD or my employer was REAL RICH. So that was enough for him to start running his mouth though. Did I care that he had "LOST HIS WIFE"; NEXT TIME -- SO HELP ME GOD, I AM GOING TO SAY "WHERE DO YOU THINK YOU LOST HER". THEN...... not only was his wife dead, they had been married 38 WONDERFUL (sure) years. THEN...... he held up his fat left hand and told me he never took his wedding ring off. His finger was so damned fat, there was no way to get it off without a chainsaw. He proceeded to tell me that just like his Mother, he had never and would never take his wedding ring off. Then he looked at my hand. There was a ring on it but not a wedding ring. He had to ask if I was married. I said yes I am married and I have a wedding ring but I don't wear it. What does it prove? Men and women can slip them off and on at will. He changed the subject. He and his wife had been coming to Myrtle Beach since 1983 and they lived in Vermont, he was originally from New York. Judy says I make people want to talk to me or I ask them too many personal questions. I was taking Rocky to pee not going socializing. Then the widower said he had been coming to the Beach looking for companionship, boy did my eyes pop out on my cheeks. He said, oh no, not what you think..... Some of these women on the beach are looking for men and will spread their legs and he opened his arms up and shut them, for any man. I said if you are a good Christian man, as you told me a minute ago, maybe you will be able to find a nice Christian woman in your church. He said well I do have a nice lady I am seeing. She is my wife's "best friend" and we go out to eat and to movies. Hmmmmm, I found it strange she wasn't at the beach? I said Good Luck to you and kept walking. He was staying at a semi-dump right beside our condo (that is one of the few places that will allow pets tho). Oh, his SHIT-SUE's name was Billy Boy.

I have no idea where all the kids came from the week we were at the beach. There was a building full of them when we arrived on that Wednesday evening and they left on Sunday and a brand new batch came in on Sunday and left the following Sunday when we did. Is there no rest for the weary. I told Judy the 2nd week was nothing but 2-6 yr olds. That would have been the perfect time for those damned eyelashes to have come off into the pool and emptied the pool of all children.

We did not sit on the beach one time. Judy did not go to the beach at all. She sat out on the balcony if she needed to hear or see the sun or the ocean. From the 16th floor you can see anything or anywhere. The beach was crowded the whole time we were there and there were even fools in the water. Weather channel posted water temperature as 55 degrees.

On Sunday, as planned, we left Rocky with his Mamma and headed to
Durham, N.C. to meet Judy's sister Janis. Janis has had some bone problems in her foot and she was going to Duke for a second opinion.

On Saturday night, before leaving Myrtle Beach and while I am in bed, Judy comes in with a damned road map in her hand and wants to talk to me about the best route. I should have known better and now I do. She rambled on and on and on and on and then said well, if we try to go up I-95 on a Sunday and everyone is trying to get home from the beach it will be a nightmare and the trucks and idiots, yadda, yadda, yadda and I said you are right. WRONGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG. You have traveled with us before, you know she likes 1, 2, and 3 lane roads. Jesus what was I thinking.

We left Myrtle Beach with no problems, and I asked what road or exit we would take after we got out of Town. She started spouting off numbers and I asked if she hadn't written these directions down? She did. I asked where it was? She told me where to look in her purse. Hmmmmm, I looked all thru that damned purse. Never found it. Then she had me look one other place, not there either. Then I bitched for 10 minutes. But she did seem to remember the route nunmbers and we had great roads for quite a distance. You must remember it is SUNDAY and OLD PEOPLE GET OUT ON SUNDAY. About an hour and a half into the drive we hit the two lane roads and it is 1:30 and Judy is trying to make speed in a 45 mph zone. OH OH OH -- FLASH -- Judy cannot see. Right, she cannot see. But I am supposed to be quiet when I think she is too close or is not slowing down as quickly as I think she should be. One time she is flying down the road and pulls up behind a car in the passing lane and I thought our hood ornament was gonna mate with their trunk key slot and I screamed. She was well aware..... I told her I thought she was in a coma. Shame we didn't have the flip this trip. We finally have to get gas in the Caddy (that means stopping - Thank you Jesus) and we stretch our legs and we are both hoping the roads will improve. HA HA HA HA For some reason, the Gods are still angry with us. We fill the tank up and off we go on two and three lane roads and most speed limits are 45 mph. Some crazy bitch in front of us in a van is in a big hurry, she starts passing on double lines and we watched her do it for miles. She didn't get caught or killed. You drive behind people going 20-30 mph for so long and then you see a 5 broken lines and you loose your mind. That happened to Judy several times. I got so tickled I told her I thought within 30 minutes of gassing the car she had probably used the full tank. I was stomping my gas pedal along with her rather than putting my brake pedal thru the engine.

I think it took us 6 hours to make it from Myrtle Beach, S.C. to Durham, N.C. Judy's sister, Janis called several times to make sure we were ok, she couldn't imagine what was taking us so long. Little did she know. We arrived at our hotel and Judy went inside to check us in. She left me outside in the car under the carport. I look around and beside me are some really cute college age guys. One in particular winks and waves at me. Hell, I perk right up. Immediately I rolled the window down and asked if they were Tech students. He said NO, I said why the hell did you wave at me then. He said, Oh, just being friendly. Judy's car is covered with VT decals -- so I had ASS-U-ME-D. I asked if he and his friends were students and sure enough, they were. They were Dartmouth LaCrosse players. They had been beaten by N.C. the day before and the next day they were to play Duke. I wished them luck and they hopped on a van and headed out to dinner and they all waved. Hmmmm, I still got it.(We all know they are taught to respect their elders)

Judy and I unpacked and headed up to our room and Janis is right next door. Her cousin, Terry had driven to Durham with her to entertain her and keep her company. Terry is so much fun and has a grest sense of humor. Everyone loves him. We chatted and sipped some tea and decided to try the Pomodora Italian Restaurant right across the street for dinner. Street was very busy 5 lane highway and Judy and I opted to drive the big Caddy over. The youngsters walked. We drove over and parked in the handicap zone and hobbled in to eat. OMG what a wonderful fragrance. Oregano, garlic, yeast bread... Everything on the menu looked wonderful and I wanted one of everything. I also get grouchy when I am hungry and at other times too. We ordered and our waiter brought our salads and then brought a basket of bread -- you will not believe it. He brought 2 fat, hot rolls. That was it. TWO DAMNED ROLLS. He was gone before I could say what the hell...... I know it was 20 minutes before the asshole returned. We were out of water, wine, and tea. I was really pissed. The next waitress I saw I asked if she could see if someone could bring us more bread. Well, asshole got the message, but returned "breadless". He asked if there was a problem. I told him there clearly was a problem....there were 4 of us and two rolls and we would like 2 more. He turned on his heel and as he walked away we ALL heard him say BITCH. Who cared, not me, I was hungry and wanted another roll. We got the roll and he didn't have the balls to say it to my face or anyone else's. Little balless wonder. Not only that, but Judy and I went back the next night too. Pity, he didn't wait on us, DAMNIT. I was so looking forward to harassing the little shit again.

Judy bed/chair hops. She does not like to sleep in a bed. It messes her hair up. She prefers to sleep in her recliner. Now in the condo she had a choice of two recliners and a huge couch. I found her in each of them at different times. Also, she does not snore and I snore loud enough (when I am not talking) to wake the dead. I think Judy uses the excuse not to sleep in the bedroom so she can hear me when I sneak in the kitchen in the middle of the night for a snack. She told me one morning after I had gotten up to find a bag of Ginger Snaps that we had had a mouse the night before. Hell, I nearly jumped up on the cabinet. I asked how she knew and if she saw it. She informed me that she saw it and heard it when it got the Ginger Snaps out of the cabinet and ate some. God, we laughed so hard over that. I like to hide my food, usually I can't find something like that in the middle of the night.

One thing I do want to tell you about Judy and recliners. When I think about it I nearly wet my pants. In her family room she has two recliners and a table separates them. Her chair sits almost against the wall beside her sliding glass doors that lead out onto her deck. Sometime during the night, while sleeping in her chair, leaned way back in her chair and her chair tipped over backwards. So her back, shoulders and head are against the wall and her ass, and legs are in the back and seat of the chair and stuck up in the air. She is pretty much wedged in good. When she told me this story I could just see the picture of her in that position and stuck. I must have cried for 10 minutes. She finally scooted and pushed her way out until she was able to free herself and get up and dust herself off and cuss and laugh and go back to sleep. That story was beggin to be told and this was just as good a place as any.

Well since I have written the blog you know we made it home safely.
Judy called today and said she was planning our trip to Montana. HURRAH! We are trying to figure out which CD's we will cash. I knew my husband was eavsdropping and I said I am not sure where I will take my travel money from. I then said Oh Damn, I think I just heard his head hit the floor. We both had a great belly laugh out of that. He is already sick knowing that landscapers will be here soon and spending money makes him ill.

Well I hope you enjoyed this little trip. We didn't do a whole lot but we did laugh alot. Can you imagine the stories that will come out of our trip out West? OMG.

Happy Trails

Regency Towers on Dwellable

Regency Towers on Dwellable

A Sad Note to End the Year 2009

I wanted to share with all my faithful readers that on December 10, 2009, Barbara, my sister-in-law, passed away. Barbara found out in December, 2008 that she had lung cancer and probably only 6 months to live. She was a fighter to the end. She showed everyone and lived an extra 6 months because she wasn't quite ready to go. Her Christmas present to herself was to unhook the oxygen and smoke a cigarette and drink some Wild Turkey Whiskey. A tough Old Girl. She donated her body to science (and I said Jesus, they will never see another body like that one Babs). I guess she got that idea from reading Patricia Cornwell. Her Body went to The Body Farm in Tennessee. Her son and daughter decided since Virginia Tech would be playing Tennessee in the Chick Filet Bowl Game in Atlanta this year, she would go to Tennessee wear her Virginia Tech (Orange and Maroon)colors. If you don't know about the Body Farm, you can Google it.

So on New Year's Eve, raise your toast to Babs. I will be doing that.

MYRTLE BEACH, NOVEMBER 2009

On our way to Myrtle Beach we were having a great time. I know you are going to find this hard to believe --- but ---- hold on to your seats --- WE DID NOT, I REPEAT, WE DID NOT, GET LOST!!!! HURRAY. THE GPS was in the trunk, in its usual place too. I think we are finally getting it, after 10 years, we know the way.

Somewhere down the road Judy said that she was hearing a funny noise. I told her she was deaf. She has a terrible head cold, sinus infection or allergies. She had to rake and blow her leaves the weekend we were to leave and all the dust went up into her damn brain. She rode with me with toilet paper sticking out of each nostril to prevent her nose from dripping on her clothes. She said it only drips if I bend my head over. I told her to quit bending her damned head over. You can hear the laughter now. What a pretty sight we must have been. Two fat women, speeding down the road, loud music coming from within this hot rod and the blond riding shotgun had a wad of toilet paper hanging out of each nostril. No wonder men were trying to pick us up everywhere we went. Hell, we hadn’t even gotten to the Beach yet. Wait till the Bikers saw us.

Anyway, back to the noise. Judy says is that a plane? Do you think a plane could be tracking our every move? If we go to our condo and come out and the plane is circling then they are after us. I said there is no damned airplane. She said WHAT, then what is that noise I hear. I said it is your fuckn head roaring. She said Shut up, Gail -- Is it your tires? I said I don’t hear anything unusual. She said, in her LOUD/HATEFUL VOICE, Gail YOU ARE DEAF!! Then she gets worried it is a tire, or maybe a bearing. God, she isn’t going to quit till I stop the damned car.

I continue to drive and we are tapping our toes to the music and I see a sign that reads N.C. Zoo. I have heard it is a great zoo. We never stop once we get in the car to go somewhere and we have said we are going to do better. So unbeknownst to Judy I take the exit and she is alarmed because it was not her idea. She thinks the worst. That’s what the shotgun rider is supposed to do, I think. Or be like a girl scout and always be prepared. She wanted to know what the hell I was doing. Told her I was going to the N.C. Zoo. She told me I was loosing it and it was all because of my new medication. Also, that new medication was making me HATEFUL! We drive a short distance down a two-lane road, hang a right and see a sign that reads Zoo straight ahead. As I start down the road Judy said Gail, I’m not kidding, something is seriously wrong. The airplane is back and you need to stop this damned car. So I stopped the damned car, right in the middle of the road. (of course, I looked in the mirror first, I am always aware of my surroundings). She uttered some unrepeatable words after her whiplash and we sat there laughing for a few minutes and she once again told me how hateful I was. So we continued down the road and there was a church and a parking lot and it was Sunday and there were some guys standing around smoking. You know where I go, right….. Sure you do... into that parking lot like a bat out of hell.

Judy yells, where are you --- God, why? I said well you want someone to check the tires and by God, there stand two men. She said well, they need to run along beside the car as we drive to see the tires. WTF???? I never heard of that. But where I am HATEFUL -- SHE IS ALL KNOWING (or a know it all). So these to guys are hanging outside the church with their shirttails out, bellies over their belts and cigarettes dangling from their lips. As we rumble up beside of them they both take the cigarettes out of their mouths and I roll down the window to ask them to run along beside of us in the parking lot and I get tickled and only get would you run along beside me out and Judy has to finish the sentence and she was tickled too. Now anyone could tell that these good ole boys hadn’t run anywhere for a long time. They weren’t that old, but they hadn’t run. You could look at the size of the belly hanging over the belt, the hem of the pants under their shoe heel wasn’t even worn out and the crotch in their pants was way to low to allow them to run fast, much less beside a car in a church parking lot.

The good ole boys took a deep drag, at the same time, off their cigarettes and said which tire? Since I am the HATEFUL one, and was in a church parking lot, I said HELL, WE DON’T KNOW, check ‘em all. Judy and I were ready to explode. They walked in front of my car, stood in front of the left front wheel and said THIS 'UN HAS SOME SLACK. I said WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT? The other one said THIS 'UN HAS SOME SLACK. He took his lead from the first guy I think. I said WHAT THE HELL IS SLACK (remember still in a church parking lot, but I am HATEFUL, because of medication only). They looked at each other and then one of them said you need some air. We tried to look serious and thanked them. They stuck out their chests, as if they had done something. They were proud. I put the car in gear, revved it up, and off we went. We laughed as we headed down the road. When we came to the fork in the road we saw a little country filling station. SHAZAM it had an air tank too. For seventy-five cents we could get 5 minutes of air. The wind was chilly and I jumped out (cause I am fast on my feet) and read the instructions, Judy handed me 3 quarters and I took the cover off of the tire nozzle. Bending over on my head was a treat, and no way could I make that air hose fit on the nozzle. I started cussing, as air was coming out of the tire and the tire didn’t even look like it needed air. What the hell was wrong with me? Why did I immediately start putting air in the tire they said had some slack? It was contagious? Judy heard the cussing and came to my rescue.

I am not sure if I have ever said this before but Judy is really particular about her hair. If you have seen my pictures you can tell that I am not. So here we are, both standing on our heads looking at the tire, she is trying to get the gauge on the nozzle and I see her hair sprayed hair blow from the back of her head over the top of her head and cover her face. I start laughing hysterically, because I am hateful (only because of my medication).

Back on the road and the noise (or airplane following above) is still with us. I told Judy that she really needs to draw a good breath and talk about something besides that damn sound for awhile. We actually made good time this trip. Didn't even need a map nor the GPS. Drove right up to our condo building but knew that we had to drive to the garage underneath to unload everything. I hate parking garages. So down the ramp we go, find the place where the buggies and luggage carts are located and take deep, deep breaths. This garage is open to the ocean in the back and it is really cold and the wind is whipping our hair back and forth, and especially Judy's hair. I have to look away from her and stifle a laugh. My car's shocks must have been pushed to the limit. We made 6 trips with the luggage and grocery carts. We had very little food and more plastic bags than luggage. Once we unloaded everything on the 6th floor we headed back to move the car in front of the condo.

We hurriedly unpacked (I have no idea why), and hooked up our computers. Judy's first move was to call her daughter and tell her we made it and all about the noise. That only worried her daughter that we would probably be killed around town or on our way home. The good thing was that her daughter knew some people who had moved here and was going to see if they had found someone to do their car work yet. BEHOLD! BEHOLD! They had. She got their number.

The next day we did some touring and shopping and as we were passing a Walmart I made a quick turn and went into their garage. A mechanic came out and I asked him to check our tires. Before he could speak Judy starts telling him about this airplane noise. He stops her (FINALLY SOMEONE COULD) and checks our tires. He told me the front two were a starting to pull apart (with dry rot) and were out of alignment and one had a roofing nail in it. The back two were in pretty bad shape as well. He told us he would see what kind of tires he had that would fit my DINGBAT MOBILE. He only had Goodyear tires. Judy said HELL NO that she did NOT like Goodyear tires and that she had Michelin tires. I went to get something out of the trunk while he and Judy spoke. I got in and Judy said “he whispered that we should go to Sears because he doesn't like Goodyear tires either”. I know that guy is still trying to figure out which one of us owns the car and which one SHOULD be making the decisions.....

Our next mission was to find Sears 2 blocks away before 7 p.m. It was then 5 p.m. We found a Sears representative who was a native Virginian. After giving him a hard time for 15 minutes and making him talk to my son, Frank, for another 15 minutes about matching INTERNET prices, we walked next door to the mall and were told to return in 1 hr and 15 minutes. While we were gone they were installing some Japanese tires and I bought 3 and got 1 free. YAYYYYY for Frank. I managed to use my credit card several times in the mall and Judy sat inside the Mall in a comfy chair and “rested her eyes”. We picked up the car and paid over $500 and hit the road again. After about 20 minutes on the road that damned airplane was back over top of us again. After a few expletives we decided to get a few groceries. Judy was not happy. Hell, I was the one who had just spent $500, talk about unhappy. As I pulled into the grocery store parking lot the “low tire” light came on and I went CRAZY. New tires and the LOW TIRE LIGHT comes on. I called Sears and told them through clenched teeth about the problem They said if it doesn't go off automatically bring it by tomorrow. They did not know we were 30 miles away from their shop nor did they give a shit.

The next morning we called the shop that had been recommended to us. They said certainly, they would be happy to check our car out. Judy and I both though, yea I bet you will be. They gave Judy the directions and off we went. We were also going to meet a friend of ours who had just arrived here the night before. The Carolina Car Care (CCC) Garage was located in a Town called Murrells Inlet. We had certainly been there before, been lost there before and had eaten bad food there before. It's not a very big place, but big enough for us to get lost. So Jimmy, our new friend at the CCC Garage and Judy had a plan. We drove to Murrels Inlet and finally ran out of road. Then Judy and I had a few words about her not understanding directions. We turned around and headed back to the main highway. She called Jimmy again. He asks her where we are at that time. She tells him we are at the HOT FISH HOUSE. He asked if we were eating? Judy assured him we were not but we were still lost. He also did not recognize the name of any of the places she mentioned. OH GOD, PLEASE HELP ME – DON'T LET ME KILL EITHER OF THEM TODAY! Judy had called him at least 5 times within the hour. By this time, we were almost back to the main road and I saw a Gun Shop with men on the front porch and I made a quick turn into their drive. There were at least 7 men on the porch and I made Judy ask for directions. So they sent one of their younger fellows out. I could see his elbows working, his bulging stomach and could hear him. I heard him give her directions 3 times but could not tell which was he was pointing. As we headed out of their lot I had to stop for traffic. I noticed an old car I had commented on when we first went down that road. So I was giving it the eye again and realized it was parked in front of a Biker's Bar I have heard about for years but had never seen. The name of the Bar is “SUCK, BANG AND BLOW” Is that cool or what? So I was really stoked. So at the traffic light I asked Judy which way were we supposed to go? She got upset and said you heard him too. Then I knew we were in trouble. I told her I had heard him but I didn't know which way his arms were pointing as he talked and since her head was laying on his belly, surely she must have seen the direction he pointed. So she was huffy and said take a left. We did and of course after 20 miles we knew that was wrong. I said that I was going to turn around an go back to that traffic light and rather than turn left, as we had done, I was going to go through it. Well I made the turn too quickly but knew how to get back where I wanted to be. So I had never been told the street name or road name just places to turn. HOW STUPID.



So I was now on a different highway and I pulled over into the lot of a STRIP JOINT. I took the phone and called the CCC Garage. Jimmy answered the phone. I said “Jimmy, different woman, but same car.” I am at the Pink Pony Strip Joint, where the hell are you? He said FANTASTIC. Get out of that lot, go to the light and across that highway (straight across) and you will pass two buildings (which he named) and our garage is on the left. I said, “OK JIMMY, I WANT YOU TO STAND OUT AT THE ROAD AND WHEN YOU SEE AND HEAR A SILVER IMPALA WITH TWO GOOD LOOKIN WOMEN HEADING YOUR WAY, YOU HAD BETTER JUMP UP AND DOWN AND WAVE YOUR ARMS. He said YES MAM! Guess, what. He sure did. I had told Judy that if I did not like the looks of the place I would keep on going, without even slowing down, even if he was jumping up and down. I liked the looks of the garage and pulled into the driveway. Judy had almost told him twice on the phone that she that she thought it was a wheel bearing and I kept saying shhhhhhh, shut up, let them figure it out and she would be quiet. Jimmy wanted to ride in the car with us and he gets in the back seat. He let us know he wanted to enjoy the vision of riding with two beautiful women. Did I mention that Jimmy was also full of shit? Then he wanted to know if we were sisters. I said NO and Judy said YES. He said well, I'm confused. Then we laughed and told him NO. So the minute we took off, Judy spilled her guts about thinking it was a wheel bearing and that's what my son thought too. I said JESUS CHRIST. You should have waited to see if they were smart enough to figure it out by themselves. He said yes, mam – you are so right about that. So we drove around and he listened. Then he told me I drove too fast, and he tried to tell me when to put on my signal light. I told him he needed to be quiet and he laughed and said he would. Judy told him I was hateful and she thought it was mainly because of my medication but that I was hateful anyway.

We finally arrived back at his shop and I ask for a price quote. He gave me one of $219. I told him I would check with my son and call him the next day. It was almost 10 a.m. by the time I had showered and dressed and run it by Frank and Judy had run it by her mechanic at home. Everyone agreed that was a good price and to have it done. Hell, Frank said I should have them both done, because the other one would certainly be going soon. If he had sent me $219 I probably would have. but he didn't so I had them buy one bearing. Jimmy said he would go pick up the part and how long would it take me to get “there today”? I said well I am 30 some miles away and hopefully I won't get lost, but I'm not making promises. I hope to make it by 10:30. Before I left the house I asked Judy whether or not I should take the Bypass or go the way we went yesterday (stupid of me). No, No – don't take the bypass she said. So I ended up where we were yesterday. But remembered we hadn't gone far enough the first time. So I went 10 more miles and realized I was on my way to Charleston, S.C. God, I was mad. So I turned around, headed back the way I had come and I was looking for the Pink Pony. I never saw the damn place. I pulled into the Post Office and called Jimmy. He heard my voice and laughed. I said Dammit Jimmy, this isn't funny. He asked where we were. I said I AM ALONE THIS TIME. I told him I was at the post office by the Japanese restaurant. He said UT OH, you've gone too far. I had a few choice words then. He said it's okay honey, turn around, go through two traffic lights and under the overpass and at the 3rd light you will see the road. I said hell, I have been that way and did not see any overpass. He said well it's there. Okay, I turn around and go through the lights and did not see any overpass but by God I WAS headed to Charleston again. Then, Jimmy called me and said “WHERE YOU AT” and I told him I was headed south towards Charleston. He said Law, that is wrong. I thought you was headed North. I asked why the hell he would think that? He said he was so sorry. Well for me to turn around and keep coming back till I did see the overpass and when the road splits for me to GO UNDER THE OVERPASS. So sure enough, this time I saw it and what do you think I did? Take a guess, please take a guess, I took a right and did not go under the overpass. I kid you not. WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME. Been around Judy too long, I think. So I knew that there wasn't that much distance between the two roads and I cut through two hamburger joints and a mall and was right across from the PINK PONY. HURRAY. As I pulled into the CCC Garage, I blew the horn all the way to the front door.


Now for the story on our residence for a month. We usually stay at The Regency Towers, older condos but very nice and we like the people who stay there and the guys at the front desk (they are young, of course we like 'em. Judy had made our reservations last year as usual and later on in 2009 we checked the computer and looked at photos of all the condos and tried to choose one had not stayed in before. So that done we started saving our money for the fall. Around August Judy called and said "you are gonna be pissed". Then she told me why. Well, she was right and I was. The Regency had won a lawsuit and the plan was to revamp the place. Not only were they resurfacing the whole outside of the building which looked like a sprayed on stucco, but they were tearing out the old railings along the outdoor walkways on each floor, fixing the balcony railings and LOW AND BEHOLD, in the two-bedroom condos the master suite would now have a whole outer wall of ceiling to floor windows. You can look out and think you are standing on a rooftop looking at the ocean. Oh it is beautiful. The fellows gave us a key to check one out and now we are so anxious to be there next year. Where was I? Oh I know....the new place we are in is a RESORT. Right.

Judy had been on Craig's List looking for another place for us to stay and found a lady who had a condo near North Myrtle (which Judy does not like) for rent. Judy advised her that we were coming down her the first of October looking for a place and if possible we would stop by. She lives in Fairfax and said that was fine she would be here anyway. So we looked at about 10 places (through realtors) and they did not measure up to we had become accustomed to. We like a lobby, desk clerks, and guards, and a locked lobby. On our way to Ocean Creek Resort for our appointment, we stopped at two really nice, new condos that had good prices and told them we would come back for the tour after we were finished. Mistake, (I made a snappy decision). MY FAULT.

We found the Ocean Creek Resort and had to stop at a Guard Shack and let them do a PAP SMEAR before we could enter (joke) and drove back to the Condos. There were many different facilities as we drove down the road. There were tennis apartments, wooden lodges, conference centers, restaurants, and a North Tower and a South Tower. We were meeting in the North Tower. Judy either didn't have the directions with the room number or had stored it in her MEMORY BANK (which had just just down due to power outage). She thought maybe the floor was 6 but the letter that followed the 6 was what was giving her the problem. Aha, she decides it is A. Now these condos have plantation doors on the outside of the condo door. Is that stupid or what? If your plantation door is locked how in the hell can you see through the peep hole to see who is knocking? Poor planing on someone's part. So of course we are snickering all the way to the door and Judy wants me to knock and I tell to knock since it is her plan. I said open the damn door so she can see who it is. The woman's voice on the other side of the door says "who is it" -- Judy, the smart one, says "Maya" (the woman we were to meet) and the woman once again says "who is it" and Judy says "Maya it's Judy." Okay by then I need a bathroom because I am so tickled at how stupid Judy is acting. She could have said Judy and Gail here for our 2 p.m. appointment. But nooooo. She rode that little yellow bus for too many years. The woman opens the door with that deer in the headlight look and says she thinks we are at the wrong apartment. I wanted to say YA THINK? So Judy thanks her and we turn around and burst out laughing and I called her a bunch of names and Judy was explaining to me why she did that. It made perfect sense to her...So as we are arm in arm stumbling back up the hall, Maya comes out of her condo which is H (sounds like A, doesn't it). Said she thought she heard something and plus we had called her from the parking lot. I guess had she known how stupid we were she would have met us in the lobby. She got a good laugh out of our blunder as well. She even said we were a lot of fun, she could tell. Wonder if it was the drool running out of the corners of our mouth or the pee running down our legs?

So Maya took us into her beautiful summer place. She did not have an ocean front, but an ocean view. Her balcony seemed to wrap around the whole building. Party, Party. She explained that we were in the North Tower and across the creek there was the South Tower. Several times we talked about the South Tower, she pointed out their pool, and talked about the SWASH where the water from the ocean comes up over part of the sand and has cut a small stream in between another condo tower partially in front of us. There were some men gigging flounder as we watched. You will understand the reason to my madness of talking about the South Tower so much in a moment. So we were on the balcony for 10-15 minutes as she pointed out the outdoor pool for the North Tower, the outdoor pool for the South door that also had a heated indoor pool that opened into it. Then she grabs a ring of keys and off we go to look at not just one condo but four.

Maya explains that people were impressed with the way she had been able to keep the condos rented and they had asked her to rent theirs as well so they didn't have to go through a rental agency. So we looked at the first three and they were nice but we didn't like the furniture (not comfy) or something. Women can always find something to bitch about. But the last one, that we had come to look at in the first place was the one she said was hard to rent. It had belonged to an older couple and they were both dead and the son lived in Idaho and never got down her and did not want to sell it yet. So she asked if we wanted to make an offer. Well it was nice, it had some furniture like I had from my mother's and I don't even like antiques. It was my turn to get the master suite anyway and it had a huge balcony, the swash, pools, etc. Soooo, rather than discuss it and get back to her or discuss it with Judy when she said make me an offer -- Damnit, I did and she said SOLD! At that time I was so proud. We gave her a deposit and could rest easy now that we had our place for November.

So we arrived, and the 2nd day in between car trouble and garages and mechanics I decided to check out the pool. Judy said well we are going out anyway, why don't we drive over there and check it out. Sure sounded like a plan. We drove over and went in and didn't see a damned soul. We got on the elevator and realized there was no pool or garage level? So we open the elevator door and got back out. I smelled chlorine and we walked towards some steps and I told Judy to case the joint while I go down the steps. Down there I found a 3 foot deep pool with an opening to the outdoor pool and a hot tub. The pool was cold. There were two women sitting around the pool but they never saw me. So I grunt and moan and pull myself up those steps and tell Judy that is no pool and let's get out of there. I was really getting pissed by then. On our way to town, I bitched a whole lot.

That night I was still pissed. So I fixed a glass of wine and wrote Maya. She is very nice and wrote right back. She apologized for the oversight and the misunderstanding and wanted to tell me where the heated, indoor pool, for everyone was. Ahhhhhh, now I had a glass of wine and a smile on my face. All was well, I was happy again, Judy was happy if I was happy.

The next morning after breakfast, I finally got my swimsuit up over hips and put my straw hat on my head, got my towel, my beach cover up on and off I go. I thought I had those directions down pat. HA What the hell. I followed the walkway to the sign that read PRIVAT PROPERTY: SOUTH TOWER PROPERTY GUESTS ONLY. Well, maybe I go around that South Tower -- no, that is marsh and I sure as hell am not walking through snake country. Damnit, well maybe I need go go through the South Tower -- It is such a warm and friendly place. As I walked to the front doors, where we had been before the sign reads: PRIVATE PROPERTY, SOUTH TOWER RESIDENTS ONLY. Now I am no longer concerned, I am really pissed off. I stand there for a few moments and I see a wall phone with everyone's number on it and then I see SECURITY #0. Security will help, right -- that's what they get paid for. The conversation follows: HIM: SECURITY ME: Sir, I am at the entrance to the South Tower and I am staying at the North Tower. Where is the community pool? HIM: You are trespassing. Get off that property at once. ME: I would like to but first I need to find the pool. HIM: It is up beside the restaurant and then he slammed the phone down. COLOR ME REALLLY, REALLLY PISSED!

I truly had to get myself under control or someone was gonna die or get hurt. I was seething and sweating profusely. I had my phone but was tooo mad to call Judy and share with her. So I start walking. I didn't know where the damned restaurant was. This property is all wooded and the main road is a 1 1/2 lane paved road that runs in and out of the property. There are signs pointing to West Lodge, East Lodge, Tennis Court, Outdoor Pool, Conference Center, Security..... So I started walking slowly and stopped and watched a couple of squirrels playing just to keep from crying (I was reallly pissed). Then I see a sign that reads 4 Seasons Restaurant. Okay, I must be near the pool, here is the restaurant. I go in the restaurant and it is empty. They have those containers with burners under them all set up, lit, tables set, music playing, a TV on in the bar but not one fucking soul was anywhere to be found. I went everywhere but into the bathrooms or kitchen. I knew I was going to start fuming all over again.

I manage to get out in the parking lot of the restaurant before I call Judy. Then I was furious again. Judy listened while called the Security guy everything but a WHITE MAN and I was headed toward the SECURITY GUARD SHACK and I was loaded for bear.
So I get huffing and puffing and looking for the indoor pool. I happened to see two elderly ladies walking towards me. I just stopped and waited for them to get closer to me. They were all smiles and asked if I was lost. Thank goodness I was able to bite my tongue. I said I was just walking around looking for the pool. They told me to walk with them and they would take me right to it. I tried to slow my breathing down so they wouldn't think I was having a heart attack. It took us about 15 minutes and I'll be damned, nowhere near the restaurant, but behind the Library, was the pool. I thanked them and walked towards the pool. I got inside and looked around. Not impressive. The pool was grungy looking and there was a fellow climbing out and heading towards the hot tub. I unloaded everything on a table and got my purple noodle and got into the semi-warm pool. When someone tells me a pool is heated, I think that is at least lukewarm. NOT! I get into the pool looking around for roaches and bugs. Didn't see any bugs. I did swim under the rope separating deep water from shallow. So I was still trying to calm down and the water was doing it. I started doing some water aerobics and loosening up. Getting somewhat happier by the minute. Every now and then I would glance around to see where the hot tub fellow had gone to. Too many women are being abducted or killed to suit me so I am careful of my surroundings. I heard a big splash and saw him getting out of the hot tub. I was thinking I probably couldn't fight him off in the water, but I could gouge his eyes out and scratch him with my fake nails. "Yea, Come Get You Some". Well he jumped in and I knew this was it. He looked at me and asked if I minded if he unhooked the rope. I thought this is it! He is going to try and strangle me with it and drown me. So I said help yourself and I started backing up like a crab. Nails are ready to tear him apart at any given moment still. As he unhooks the rope, the outside door opens and the custodian comes in and they speak to each other. Oh My God, they have been sitting in wait for their prey -- I walked into their trap. They talk for a few minutes and the custodian goes upstairs to a closet and I am holding my breath. He comes back down the steps with a rag in his hand and he is pouring something all over it. OH MY GOD, it is probably ether or something to keep me quiet. They continue talking about some woman's birthday party that night at the conference center and the custodian is walking around the pool to my side. I do the crab crawl sideways. The custodian picks up the rope with the buoys on it and starts cleaning the chlorine off of them. Hmmm, he wasn't going to try to abduct me after all. It was a good damned thing -- cause he was going to be seriously disfigured when I got finished with him. My God, I could not relax at all. Then I noticed another splash and the hot tub guy is getting out of the pool. My guard goes up again. He walks over to the shower and starts rinsing off. He was taking too much time to suit me -- just to wash the chlorine off. So I have my eyes on both of them and get the hell out of the pool. The hot tub guy is toweling off and putting on his shorts and flip flops and leaving me in there with the custodian with the ether. I grabbed my hat, got my shoes on and got out of there. Walked down the sidewalk the same way the women were heading when they dropped me off. I could then see the path to my condo building. THANK YOU JESUS. I haven't been back to the pool but I intend to. The one nice thing (there is only one nice thing about that pool) is that there is a huge window on the back and you can see the birds and squirrels in the live oak trees looking at you.

When that ordeal was over I came home, mixed a drink and relayed it all to Judy. She felt sorry for me (sure she did). She said from now on I will go sit with you so you feel safe and keep you company. Now her favorite thing to do is read and sit in an easy chair and there is no easy chair at that nasty pool. So far I have not been back up there but I do plan to. After going through all that with the assine security guard, finding the pool, the pool and everything else I wrote to Maya and ask if she would refund our money. I explained the reasons to her and she said certainly that she didn't want anyone to be unhappy. She said she would be coming down here the next day and would refund the money. Judy and I went out that night and discussed the pros and cons and decided it was not worth it to pack, move and unpack all this stuff again. So I sent her another e-mail and told her we would stay. She was so happy and knew we were gonna like it once we gave it a chance. FAT ASS CHANCE. So here we are.

Yesterday was fun. After lunch we decided to get out and do some shopping, spend some coins at the Flea Market where we could buy some more of our favorite knives. Especially since Judy packed hers and left them at home. I packed Mrs. Butterworth's Syrup and Mustard and left it at home too. So we purchased some syrup, knives and mustard. I was out of cash and had to find an ATM and Judy was famished and wanted to have a veggie burger. I had fixed them at home the night before. So we went to Cheeseburger in Paradise. Not as good as mine and cost a hell of a lot more too. We were craving sugar so we made a quick stop at a Krispy Kreme for some donuts to grill in the frying pan -- YUMMMMMM YUMMMMMM. Actually that was our 2nd trip to KK. When we took our friend to the Olive Garden we stopped at Krispy Kreme because the RED HOT NOW light was on. We can never pass that up. Hell, I have run across median strips to reach a KK that had the red hot light on. So Janis and Judy were a little alarmed when I made a quick turn into the parking lot. There was one couple in the shop drinking coffee. I jumped out to get us each 1 HOT glazed donut. As I got almost to the front door a car pulled up beside mine. I held the door to the KK shut and held up my hand as if I was stopping traffic. I yelled STOP PLEASE. They both looked at me. Judy and Janis started shaking their heads and laughing. The woman laughed and the man did not. I said stay inside your car please. THERE ARE NO DONUTS AT THIS TIME. STAY INSIDE YOUR CAR. THEN I RAN INSIDE AND HELD THE DOOR TO KEEP THE WOMAN OUT. She was busting a gut laughing. I let her in and she said she could tell I liked to have fun, just like her. She had spent the day with her mother-in-law and husband in Charleston and almost killed both of them. Tomorrow as her day ALONE! I saw the Krispy Kreme hats and we each put one on. The lady waiting on us was so tickled. She said ya'll know this is fun. I had already raised hell with her because she said the HOT DONUTS wouldn't be ready for 4 minutes. I said you should never turn that red light on till you take the first hot donut out. She said ok. So I grabbed my $20 worth of donuts (not just one hot one each) and wore my hat out and made Judy and Janis put one on too. They were still laughing. They wanted to know what that woman said because they did see her laughing. Janis said while I was doing all that crazy stuff the husband was breathing oxygen or something out of a hose he was holding over his mouth. I said maybe he thought it was a HOLD UP. He should have driven off. That's what I would have done if my husband had gotten out when some crazy woman was saying stop, stop.

NOVEMBER 21, 2009

Today is Saturday and we have pretty much been slugs the whole week. On Thursday night we decided we would mail some cards, buy a wedding gift for the Police Chief of Monroe County, who married a cop in Arizona. She surprised us with an e-mail of wedding pictures. She is one smart cookie, that Debra. After shopping Judy needed some ribs so off to Sticky Fingers we went. OH MY GOD, that place smells terrific. Did I mention that the first time we saw the place we thought it was a bakery and almost turned the car over getting to it. Well by now you all know it is a bbq place. Reminds Judy of the ribs we ate in Memphis, home of bbq ribs. From eating ribs we went to Barefoot Landing shopping. That is almost across the street from our "Resort". We shopped around there, I bought some glittery earrings for the girls at the shop where I have my nails done and then we came home and relaxed. You get so tired when you do nothing. On Friday I made another trip to a new grocery store (for me, at least) a Bi-Lo. Needed some whole cloves to make pork bbq for sandwiches this week until Thursday, then it is pork tenderloin that we will call turkey. Then on Monday we will be loading up and heading home. I have been bored, no pool.

So today, Saturday we decided we wanted to go back down to Murrells Inlet where we had the wheel bearing put in the tire --- surely you remember that. Judy and I have argued back and forth over instructions ever since. Today I let her tell me over and over til she got really loud the RIGHT way to get there and then I PROVED HER WRONG. SHE IS OVER THE HUMILIATION NOW. I'm still rubbing it in. What are friends for? WHAT?????? Anyway the purpose of today's trip was to take a photo of the Bar, Suck, Bang and Blow. As we head down the road, I almost turned into the Beaver Bar, hot damn, I hadn't even see that one. We were two excited ladies. So I whipped the car into the SB&B Bar and turned the engine off. I grabbed the camera and then we noticed a cute blonde sitting in a rocking chair around a big metal tub. I got out and said "HI" and she said "HI". We asked her name and it was Nikki. I asked if she would take our picture with the Suck, Bang and Blow Bar sign. As she stood up and walked towards us we could tell she had been drinking. I handed her the camera and told her what we wanted. She slurred when she said sure. Well the first picture she took only got part of the sign and not the SB&B part. I had to reprimand her and she said ok, she would do better. So she had us move to higher ground and sure enough that picture was good. We asked if she would take another picture of us with the Beaver Bar sign behind us. There were some bikers in that lot and she wanted to call them over. We said HELL NO, take the picture and be quiet (I said that, not Judy).


As we headed back towards our car she spotted a "sissy" bike and she said ya'll get on that and I will take your pictures. I said NO that is a sissy bike. Ok, she said I will get on it and you all stand beside it. We said no, we didn't want that bike in our pictures. As we continue back towards our car I saw an old antique ford that had caught my eye once before. I said I want a picture of that. She said good, get in it and I will take your picture. I said Hell No. I have no idea who that car belongs to. As we were arguing over who was going to get in the antique (which was probably locked) I saw a long haired blonde guy amble out and lean on a table and watch us. I thought either this is his car, he is trouble or wants to fight. Judy and I were laughing at Nikki telling her if she got in that damned car we were not going to take her picture but would once the POLICE ARRIVED.
By then the blonde guy was beside us. He had had his share of booze too. His shirt was opened and he had a big grin on his face and a smoker's gravely voice. He said HEY YALL. WHAT'S UP. Then Nikki introduced us to her husband, Harold.


He laughed all the time. He said for us to take a picture of him by the car. Then Harold said he wanted to take his clothes off -- I said drop 'em. Nikki said no Harold, No. Harold was going to drop 'em but I was busy turning my camera back on and had I been quicker, guess what we could be looking at now! Harold insisted on taking a picture of the three of us girls and then insisted on buying us a beer inside Suck, Bang and Blow.



Well, what the hell -- there were no cars or bikes in the parking lot so surely we would be safe in the hands of two drunks. We walked in to a huge dark room, tables loosely scattered around the room, music playing, a porn movie playing on a TV on a wall behind the bar. So Harold got some more bar stools and we all "bellied" up to the bar. Harold called the female bartender Baby and told her to give the two ladies whatever they wanted to drink, "on him". YAYYYYY. The bartender had a butterfly patch at the corner of her mouth and a bruised mouth. I really wanted to know what happened to her. Judy and I both ordered long neck Budweisers and the bartender popped the tops and set them up on the bar for us. Harold was so happy and couldn't quit grinning. He first asked where we were from. I told him Virginia. He said oh, like "BY GOD, VIRGINIA"? I told him that was "WEST BY GOD, VIRGINIA". We all had a huge laugh over that one. He had never heard of Blacksburg, but he had heard of Michael Vick and the dog fighting!!! Harold looked over at Judy and said Damn, you know who you look like? Judy said who? He told her CHER? Judy said I think you must be blind. He said No, you do, especially with those sunglasses on. Judy replied, I look more like Sonny and that got a huge laugh out of everyone. For a few minute Nikki and Harold talked to each other and Judy was watching Harold smoke his Marlboro cigarette. She said damn, I want a cigarette. I said hell no. She said yes I do and as she reached over I tried to hold her back. Harold looked around and said what you want Baby? Judy said I am dying for a cigarette. Well GOD. Rather than giving her a cigarette -- Harold gives her the one out of his mouth. I would have said, I just changed my mind -- but noooo, not Judy. She took that damned cigarette and took a deep drag off of it and blew the smoke a mile up in the air. I told Harold that the last time she smoked a cigarette she threw up off her deck. He said "did you Judy"? She laughed and said yes. He laughed even harder. (On our way home I asked Judy how she could take that cigarette that had been in his mouth? She laughed and said Hell Gail, the beer would kill any germs on the cigarette). She is a wild one. He really liked Judy. While we sat and chatted, there were two guys on the other side of the bar. One of them bought Harold and Vikki a beer. I am sure they did it to impress us. Harold wanted us to take a picture of him and we did. We had things to do and had to break the news to Harold that we had to take off. He did not want us to leave. Wanted us to have just one more drink. Lots of fun and lots of blog material.
ALMOST FORGOT!!! WE HAVE PICTURES THAT I WILL PUT ON LATER. YOU ARE GONNA LOVE'EM.


Before SUCK BANG AND BLOW we took a side trip. We saw two signs together pointing to a Craft Show and a Dog Park. OH GOD, I love Dog Parks. The first one I had ever been to was in Los Angeles. Karman and I went to one and it was so much fun. We went w/o a dog. Today we went straight for the dog park. I was so excited I almost ran over some old man. He didn't look too friendly anyway. We parked the car and two women parked on either side of us. Big dog in each car. I could hardly wait to get in the gate. Smart people built that park, not one but two gates to actually get into the small dog park and the big dog park. Well you all know me well enough to know that I was waving and grinning and all the dogs. A lab and a beagle came running towards us up the sidewalk. Helllllllllo, I said and then I noticed the lab was covered with mud. The beagle was clean and precious. He just wanted a hug and a pat. As we got closer to their owners (women) sitting on a bench, we saw where the dark mud came from. Their automatic watering bowl. Huge bowl with a pipe and handle and if the bowl emptied you could refill. Of course if one dog went for water 3 or 4 went. We patted the beagle for a few moments and he got distracted and took off. I heard a snort behind me and there were 3 boston bull terriers behind us. I was going to take their picture but they found a ball and off they went. Their daddy saw I was trying to take their picture and got their asses back of there and had them SIT. While there a beautiful shi-szu (black and white) saddled up and tried to steal the ball and the race was on. It was chilly and I had on shorts and a tank top so we headed back to the car and stopped and visited with poodles on the other side of the fence as we went. What a fun place to go, even without a dog. If you really would like to have a dog to play with but don't have the space, or for some other reason -- find a dog park and go there every day. It will make you smile and make your heart feel warm. Every town should have one.

Then as we moved our car away from the dog park we went to the craft show. There is nothing to say -- it was mediocre.



Well for God's sake. Something really important happened at the beginning of the week. I had a birthday. How in the hell could I omit that? On Monday, the 16th I had my 66th birthday. I was so excited. I not only got E-mail cards, cards in the mail, but I got flowers. I was so surprised. The doorbell rang about 11 a.m. and earlier that day a man had come to spray for bugs. So we had no idea who this was. It was a guy with flowers for Gail. WHOOPEE.... who would send me flowers here. I hurried back into the living room and jerked the card open -- they were from Patti Reilly and Kelly Ford and they live in Boston. How sweet. I immediately wrote them a thank you card. God, I love to get flowers and yet I think it's a waste of money, but I love to send them too. About an hour later the doorbell rang once again and Judy and I made some joke about more flowers -- guess what, IT WAS MORE FLOWERS. Karman and Bridget sent me flowers too. I told Karman when I spoke to her that they were absolutely gorgeous lillys and roses and then I sent both Karman and Bridget and Patti and Kelly a picture of their flowers. Hopefully I will get pixs of those attached here too. Frank and Laura called to wish me a Happy Birthday too. They also sent me a talking card from Timmmmmmmy of South Park. Love that South Park.



TO BE CONTINUED

ANOTHER TRIP TO MYRTLE BEACH

Well this blog could have another title, it could be WE'RE IN SUNNY SAVANNAH! We were planning to leave Friday morning for Savannah and the Jazz/Blues Festival. It was after midnight when Judy called me and said "is your heart set on Savannah?" I said hell no, my heart doesn't care -- as long as we go somewhere. We were already packed anyway, didn't need to repack a thing.

I go over to pick Judy up and she is ready. We loaded her handbag and computer and our beach chairs, which we always keep in one of our cars -- JUST IN CASE THERE IS WATER AND WE NEED TO SIT AND WATCH IT. So we closed the trunk and hopped in the car and the fun began.

On the way down the Interstate I asked Judy if we were going the same way as last time. If you have read this blog before you know that we never go the same way. NEVER for the past 6 years. I told Judy I know what she is up to. She takes me over the river and thru the woods so I won't know where in the hell I am. She said that was true because she would never allow me to go to the Beach w/o her. FAT ASS CHANCE. The one time I went by myself and she was coming 2 weeks later, I ended up outside of Atlanta. I called Kreg and said I think I'm lost. He screams, "WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU." I had to tell him that was why I was calling him. I had no idea where the hell I was except there was a sign that said Atlanta 10 miles. THAT AIN'T RIGHT!!! He was screaming for me to get off the interstate and pull over and not move the car til he got out a map. I did and he did and I finally go to Myrtle Beach. I spent Christmas there and it was AWESOME.

So back to getting directions from Judy, who periodically nods off. She said well we get off of I-77 and then we take this route and then we will go to another town and get on a different road. Well Hot Damn! We were tooling down the road in my "souped up" Impala and we looked GOOD. We both had on makeup and Jewelry. I mentioned to Judy that we were on a great 10 lane highway. She said this is not right, GET OFF QUICK. I am a pro at making quick exits or u-turns. We realized that we were in Salsbury, N.C. She said God, I have never been here before. Well we are lost again. I said big deal, I will take a left here and go a couple of blocks, take another left and I will be on the road we missed. She said right, sure. She said NO, don't take that turn. Stop, this has got to be wrong. So after about 10 minutes I pulled into a MET LIFE Insurance Office. And asked the receptionist how to get on Rt. 52. She said hmmmmmmmmm, well I don't go that way but I think you can go to Rt 49 and eventually hit.....I said great, thanks a bunch and left that stupid girl. So we decide it's time to get the GPS out of the trunk.
Judy "programmed" the GPS and we're ON THE ROAD AGAIN. The GPS was helpful and took us right where we wanted to go. WE SAID YAYYYYYY!

After we were on the right road and went thru another little town, following Rt 52. Judy said she didn't like this way and to pull over. I just happened to park in a jewelry store parking lot. Some fellow was sweeping the hallway and gave us a funny look. We had decided we needed to take 15 min breaks every hour and a half. So this was a great place. We both hobble out of the car and I pop the trunk to get the map. Then this fellow who was sweeping walks out and says can I help you ladies? Are you lost? I said No, we have a GPS. Then he wanted to know where the hell we were going. Then Judy pops up and starts talking to him. We both noticed his polo shirt had an emblem on it that said Corrections Enterprise. Great, we have a prison guard leaning on the car. He ran his mouth to hear his head roar. God, I needed to find a bathroom and quick. Finally he and Judy argued about traffic on his route. He explained to us that he drove for a living and knew all the best ways. Then he told us how to come back next time, to take a road around Charlotte, blah, blah, blah.

Well we took the road he told us to and that was the road we were planning to take anyway. Judy bitched and moaned that she didn't like this road and that stupid ass didn't know what he was talking about ANNNNNNNDDDDD that she had driven through all those towns and traffic was awful and bumper to bumper, yadda, yadda, yadda.

I cannot remember if we got lost 2 or 3 times before we reached the beach. But we did and we did get to the beach. Took a long time too.

So on our last 20 miles before the beach Judy called the Regency, place we always stay. The reason we are not staying there in November is because they are revamping, resurfacing the outside, new balconies, etc. Also, the big reason is because of Selfish Me. I stay in the pool the whole month we are there. Well they wrote and told us that they were giving us a discount because the pool would be closed Oct and Nov. and because of all the mess and noise. WTF? Anyway, on our way in Judy called the Regency and asked if they would let us stay for 4 nights. They said sure, we will even give you the revamping discount now, since there is so much dust and noise. WELL THAT WAS THE TRUTH. Good God, we could hear ourselves think or talk.

A huge black cloud had followed us for 45 miles and up ahead we saw a beautiful full rainbow -- it was like Alpha and Omega -- a beginning and an end. We were wondering where that pot of gold was. We need the money. We like to live beyond our means anyway. So this cloud is really pretty scary. It just keeps taking over the sky. We had to speed a little in hopes of beating it to our Condo. We beat it and pulled under the big porch/driveway. Thank God, we were living at the foot of the cross. Not a single raindrop fell on us. We go in to see if we could check out several condos because we are very picky. The new desk clerk (who we had never met), Richard said sorry, can't let you have keys until Security arrives. We told him we had been coming there for years and we were trustworthy (asshole). He wouldn't give. Then another friend of ours who works there comes around the corner and see us and yells HHEYYYYYYY LADIES, how are you? Great to see you again..... I look around and see Richard (the clerk) handing us 3 sets of keys to look at different condos. I said what the hell is wrong with you? First we couldn't have the damned keys and now you are giving me 3? He said well when I saw that Tony knew you..... I called him a few names, and smiled and he beamed and I said so you weren't waiting on Security. You wanted to see if we really knew Tony and he said sorry. We grabbed those keys and the first two condos were not that great and smelled like a bar (cigarette smoke). Three's a charm. Oh my God, 906 was beautiful, modern, and very colorful. We rushed back down and told Richard we would take it. He said that was the one I had picked out when Judy called a while ago. It is a nice place. So Judy hands him her credit card and he gives us another key and we go out to unload our stuff.

We had no idea that BLACK CLOUD was hovering over the Regency Towers until we went out the doors to get the car. Now I told you this was a covered drive thru. We walk out those doors and the wind and rain hits us in the face like a hurricane. It backed us up a foot or two. I am laughing out loud as I type this part. I popped the trunk and unlocked the doors and as we walked to the back of the car Judy's hair went straight up in the air and my tank top blew over my head. Oh God, I could cause some man to have a heart attack, especially if they see the spare tire around my waist. I said Judy look and about that time her blouse went over her shoulders. We were both crying hysterically. Judy happened to look in the car window and saw her hair and said God, I look like Clarabell the Clown, all I need is a damned horn. We grabbed a buggy and loaded our stuff and got the hell in the building. Then I realized I had to go park that damn HOT CAR of mine. So Judy heads on up to the room with the bags and cooler and I get in the car and drive around bulldozers and trucks and cranes. No way in hell could I see the numbered parking places and they must have been numbered by a two year old. No rhyme or reason. They range from 105, 706, 409...... each row is that screwed up. So I drive back under the cover and blow the horn. Richard comes out and I said where in the hell am I supposed to park. He said anywhere and I said bullshit. He said well drive to the side there may be a spot under the bldg. I said 10-4 and took off. As I rounded the corner there was a porta potty with the door blown wide open and it was teetering on the edge of the grass and curb. I parked and was under cover til I got back in the building. I told them about the potty and they asked if I would go back out and lock the door. I said yea boys, when monkeys fly and they laughed out loud. Tony said that was mild for her Richard. I gave them both the finger as I got on the elevator and went upstairs with no booze or wine. As I went into the condo Judy said did they tell you to bring your suitcase up, I couldn't manage it. I said a few choice words and back down I went. As the elevator door opened both guys were standing there with my suitcase between them. They said ooops, we were quite finished looking thru it. I said you shouldn't have bothered, there is not underwear in it. As the elevator door closed they were still speechless.

So Judy and I sat down and put our feet up and were so happy to be there. I took a sleeping pill and so did Judy. Mine worked, hers didn't.

We woke up around 11, showered, dressed and headed out to find condos. We looked up and down the beach as we drove. Saw a few and then went to a Real Estate office and got keys to 4 places. Got were they the pitts. Nasty, no lobby, no desk clerk, no security, no locked entrance. They all had dark garages and one of the garages had a huge leak coming thru on the bottom level and it had already formed a pool. Judy said should we call the Real Estate Office. I told her hell no, it wasn't our problem and we sure weren't staying there. Well we were not impressed. Took the keys back and it was time to eat.

So Sunday was lay around the condo all day long and listen to our ITUNES and read. On Monday we were scheduled to go to the Ocean Creek Resort and meet a woman she met on Craig's List. Judy's daughter, Vicky, said she is probably a man and a mass murderer. Ya'll better be careful. The woman was nice and cute and funny. She showed us the 4 condos she rents for the owners when they aren't home. They were beautiful. Wrap around decks and all glass, granite counter tops, nice art, just what the doctor ordered. Butttt, the one drawback was this place was not directly on the beach like we are used to. But it was a good view. Judy said she wasn't sure she could hear the surf...did I tell you earlier in this blog that we are both deaf? Well trust me. So she wants to go out on the balcony to see if she can hear the surf. I almost choked. She came back in and said yep, I hear it. Well we finished looking at the condo and Sheryl, the owner, said make me an offer. Well do you think I consulted with Judy or we said we would get back to her? HELL NO, I said $1200 and she said SOLD! We thought that was a good deal and then I wondered what if I had $900 do you think she would have taken it. Judy shrugged. Sheryl had told us that the couple that owned the condo were from Oregon and the wife was deceased and the husband in a nursing home and the son was left paying for the condo and the father's nursing home. She told us later that he really needed the money but most people want a really modern condo and this one is homey and has antiques. It was very nice. I don't like antiques. But this will be my turn to have the Master Suite and it has one whole glass window that looks out at the sand and beach and a huge bathroom. Heaven, I'm in heaven..... Oh Sheryl's husband told her the same thing that we could be men and be murders and for her to call him the minute we left. I told her to go inside her closet and take her cell phone and call him from in there and scare him shitless. She laughed and said she couldn't do that to him. What kind of a woman is she anyway.

I forgot to tell something funny. On Saturday we stopped at Kroger's to get Judy some water that didn't smell (she says Myrtle Beach Water is nasty). So I parked, went in and got two jugs of water and some fruit and I realized as I walked to the Cashier's lane that my Kroger card was in the car with Judy on my key ring. Damnit.
I stopped at his aisle and said do you have a Kroger card I can use? He said do you have a grocery list I can have? I said what in the hell would you want with that? He said he was doing an art project. I said for whom? He said Art,it's my art project. I said who in the hell would give you a project like that? He said it was my idea. I told him that was the dumbest thing I had every heard of and who cared anyway. He said I think it is cool to see what customers write on their lists and what they write on. I said well mine is in my address book and on the back are some phone numbers. HE SAID GOOODY. I am so excited. I said you are also SICK! So he scanned his card and then commented on my coin jewelry -- bracelets and ankle bracelets, specially made for me. I jiggle and jingle with ever step. I said hell,that's nothing. Look at my ankle bracelet too. So I stand out in front of the aisle and dance and shake my foot and my arms and he and the bagger are crying. He said man, that is cool. I thanked him, tore out the list and got my change and left. I could hardly wait to tell Judy. I knew she would shake her head in shame.

Following our business transaction we headed to the Carolina Road House for a salad with country ham and hot, crusty, sweet croissants. As an appetizer we had onion rings. God, they were outstanding. But that's something we do each visit to the Beach.

One of the waitress came out of the bathroom stall a few seconds before me. I came out and she turned around and it was obvious that she had "FORGOTTEN" to wash her hands. I knew what she looked like. As I walked buy her I noticed she went right to a cash register and started pushing buttons. UGH! So when I got back to our table I pointed her out to Judy and said if she touches our plates I will refuse them and tell management why. From the cash register she made coffee and moved plates. While she did that our dinner was delivered. Then I didn't care what she touched, I had onion rings to eat.

Tuesday morning we were up and at'em. We had packed most of our stuff on Monday night and we had leftover breakfast stuff to eat before we left. We left Myrtle Beach at 9:30 a.m. and got home a little after 7. Long trip.

We headed home our regular way for about 2 hrs. Then we were lost (GPS and map in back seat). So we stopped at a CVS because I needed a coke. Now I have VT decals all over my SUPER HOT IMPALA and on the other side was a car with VT decals too. As I get out of the car (it takes me awhile to be able to walk after sitting on my butt)
two old women come out of CVS. They go to their car and get in and the driver is on Judy's side. She yelled at me and asked if we were from Christiansburg?? I said no but we are from Blacksburg. Well Judy saw me mouthing and didn't hear the women in the car beside her and she starts mouthing WHAT? WHAT ARE YOU SAYING, I CAN'T HEAR!!! As she rolls down her window to scream at me, she realizes that nobody is talking to her at all. She got so tickled and I had no idea of anything she was doing because I was concentrating on hearing the woman. She said she had family in Christiansburg and Riner. Then she said something else and I nodded and went in the CVS. I decided Judy and I should have an ice cream treat. So I bought us one and we ate on our way out of the parking lot, hopefully on the right road since there were no road signs and we didn't even know where the hell we were. As we drove we laughed about those women and Judy thought I was speaking to her.

We drove for another hour or so and got on another road and Judy said that wasn't right so we got off when we could and found another road, that looked right. She didn't get the map out until later. We hadn't screwed up enough to warrant that. On one of the roads we were on, Judy was on the telephone and I looked at a ugly orange car that was trying to mate with my HOT CAR and then he kicked it and passed me and a gray car that was right behind him kicked it. I said Hot Damn, we got a car race coming around. Well when the gray car passed, it was a cop in an ummarked car. I said YAAAAAY, go get him. He followed that car for 10 miles, passing when he did and I couldn't believe the guy in the ugly car had no clue. I figure he was trying to get some more charges against him. I was pulling for the cop to win but couldn't believe he waited so long. If that had happend to me I would pulled over on the shoulder the minute that cop was on me. I was really hoping for a car race too.

Finally on the road that the Corrections Enterprise guy had told us about and Judy said he was a dumb ass and that she had been there, done that and it was bumper to bumper. Well, she got that right. She kept saying, I told you didn't I? As we got closer to Charlotte we saw a sign for Monroe, N.C. I have a friend who used to be the Police Chief at Virginia Tech and she left to take this job because her parents lived there and they were both ill. Two years ago, we topped in Monroe and called the Police Dept and she was out of town. Her dispatcher and I had a great chat and laugh. So Judy said are we gonna stop and see Deborah? I said hell yea, wonder where her office is? I pulled off the road and called her. She wanted to know where we were and she knew exactly and said for us to backtrack one mile, take a right and wait at an Auction place and she was sending her Captain to bring us in. HOT DAMN, a Captain. She told me to be nice to him, and not scare him because he was young and naive. She lied. He wasn't young but he was HOT, he wasn't naive either. I told her to send him to us with sirens blaring and lights flashing. She neglected to tell him that. He pulled up beside of us in the lot and I said you're late -- where the hell have you been? He had the prettiest smile and a light spattering of gray in his hair. My heart be still! So I asked him if he had any cuffs and he could cuff us. He laughed and said no but I'm telling you ladies, you all must be mighty important for her to send a Captain to show you the way. I said Hell yes, we're important and don't forget it. So we head out of the lot and follow him to the Police Dept. We get to go in the door labeled, official police entrance, private. The public had to walk around the building. We go in and Debra walks out of her dispatcher's office and we all hugged and hugged. She introduced us to her policy administrator, the dispatcher, her personnel person and we go in her office to chat. We looked at all of her awards, certifications and diplomas and then Judy whipped out her camera. Debra got hers out too. So the Captain took the first pixx and I couldn't stop grinning. Then someone else was called into take a pix of Debra, the Captain and the two beauties from Virginia. Debra got in the way of the Captain so we made her squat down behind the table and just have her shoulders and head showing. She said we were NUTS. So photo op over we head out the door. The Captain said please let me take you ladies back to your car. Then as he opened the door he told us how pleased he was to meet us....(RIGHT).

We got back on the road we were on when we called Debra and damned if we didn't get lost again. We stopped on the outerlink around Charlotte for me to go to the bathroom and also get gas. It was a gas station/McDonalds/grocery store. I found a really cute guy in the McDonald's and ask him if we were on the right road. He said no we weren't and gave us directions. We did pretty good for about 2 miles and I sped off the wrong exit. We were laughing again at how stupid we both were. Stopped and got directions from a gas station and backtracked again. Next thing I see is a sign pointing telling us how many miles to an area near our hometown. HURRRAY, HURRAY... We know where we are and we should not get lost anymore.

We made it home safe and sound and I uncorked a bottle of wine and Judy called to see if I had her medicine. I said hell no. She said neither do it. I said did you call the Regency. She said not yet. I said well our med cases are just alike and I packed mine in my suitcase. She thought she had packed hers too. So an hour or so later I was unpacking my computer and damn if her pills weren't in my computer bag. I immediately called her and we were both happy. Then she wants to know how it got in my case. I said I had no clue, then she said WELL I DIDN'T PUT THEM THERE.....HERE WE GO. I told her I didn't either. She thinks a ghost is involved.

If I can think of anything else that happened that I have overlooked, I will do an addendum.

Happy Trails

Regency Towers on Dwellable