Billy Bob's Booze Cruise

Have I mentioned that a day with Barbara is like a week in a Crack House?

This story is set at Claytor Lake near our homes. We usually didn't have enough money between us to go to the Beach for a week; if we found the money, 4 kids would have accompanied us and who wants that? As it was, we each had two aunts in their 70's who couldn't get enough of us. Hell, this time I'm even using real names because you will enjoy it more.

We rented a nice cabin right on the lake. There was a boat dock and a ladder for climbing down in the water or you could run quickly thru some nasty-ass mushy grass and silt.

As I've told you earlier, we both worked at Tech and we planned our vacation together this time. Babs and I both have gills and fins and our main concern was toys for the water. No, I take that back, our main concern was probably having enough booze, food, books and then water toys. I am sure we made a list and checked it twice and still forgot things and had to go home or into town and buy more supplies.

We arrived at the Lake on a Sunday afternoon and we begin unpacking. Of course, the first thing we did, since we were FREE and ALONE, was to mix a drink, the cars could wait. We opened the place up to air out and sat on the screen porch to look at the lake, the boats, the skiers and we think we have died and gone to heaven. Did I mention we were ALONE. Oh, yea, I see I did mention that. First things first though. Babs knew immediately where her blender and tequila and mixers were and her cigarettes. I knew where the tape player/radio was. After all, we do have our priorities. My God, you would think we had never been out of the house the way we acted on those occasions when we did get out and WERE ALONE.

Drinks were frosty and good and the cars eventually got unloaded and we decided we belonged in the water and not in the cabin. That took all of 5 minutes. Well, that took me 5 minutes. Babs takes at least 30 minutes because in between taking off each particle of clothing there is a drink of tequila involved and a puff off of a cigarette. My God, now do you know why I loved giving her permanents??? That was my only revenge and she was so unaware.

By the time Babs was finally ready I probably had guzzled 3 margaritas. I am a guzzler and she talks and smokes in between. Therefore, I was probably on my ass by the time she walked out of her bedroom and said she was ready. I know how men feel after waiting forever on their wives to get ready to go somewhere. Neither Babs nor I are little petite things; Babs is short though and did I mention she WHINES. Off we went with inner tubes to the Lake. In a lake you always wear tennis shoes so you don't cut your feet so I am sure we were a beautiful sight. Two 165 lb (ha, ha, ha)women, inner tubes around their bellies, in tennis shoes, yelling here we come ready or not would be enough to scare snapping turtles out of the lake. I am getting a picture as I type this blog and it makes me laugh. I am sure we stayed out there til we (or at least I) sobered up. We had lots of unpacking and bed making and grilling to do that night. Of course, Kreg would call at least 3 times to see what we "were doing" and then Lucy would be next and Babs wouldn't answer the phone. All of the unpacking was done in between dancing, singing, drinking and eating and laughing.

Babs and I have always been very funny about clean commodes, no matter what we were using them for. One thing I could always count on her for was to make sure if I was going to hug the porcelain that it would be so clean it sparkled. Nothing worse than throwing up in a nasty commode. Remember, I'm a guzzler.

I am certain when daylight broke on Monday morning it was like Christmas for us. We had the cabin on the lake and we had tubes and we were ALONE. Babs also enjoyed her beauty rest and God knows she got enough that she should look like something off the Red Carpet -- NOT! I am sure I had lots of things to entertain me until she awoke and stumbled around and coughed and drank coffee and coughed again.

No doubt about it though Babs had planned this week out. She worked in a department that dealt with computers at Tech. She had brought along several different packaging kits of styrofoam. This was to be configured into a floating dock for our cooler, which would be filled with Margaritas. Not only did she bring the packaging but bungee cords and ski rope. My God, the woman is a genius. I'm so lucky to have married into that family (joke). Our cooler was styrofoam as well so there was a plan and the floating cooler invented and we were PROUD. This time I was sure we didn't run to the Lake but walked carefully so as not to jog our brains loose from the night before when we were ALONE.

Babs did lots of camping and fishing and loved being outdoors. I liked the beach and sunbathing. So she was in charge of tying the ski ropes to the inner tubes as well as the cooler. I never doubted for a moment that she couldn't do it. I trusted her with my life. We had to carry our cooler out, wading thru that nasty silt (you could feel your feet sinking down deep into and wondered what you were stepping on). Once we got ourselves situated in the tubes we proceeded to get the cooler tied in between us. Nobody was going to be separated, from the cooler. Once our large butts got down in those tubes and our knees hung over the top we were once again in Heaven. We sang, and we waved at all the boats that went by and blew their horns at us and LIFE WAS GOOD. Margaritas were excellent, tequila was tasty and I was shit-faced. We both woke up to lots of horn blowing and it was dusk and we had floated out into the middle of the Lake. Yes, we were still tied up to a very, very, very long ski rope. WHO KNEW IT WAS SO LONG. WHO KNEW WE WOULD FALL ASLEEP, WHO KNEW WE WOULD GET SO DRUNK, or sooooooooooo sick. Do you have any idea, no you can't, but try to get an image of two overweight, female turtles on their backs on crack cocaine in the water.

The porcelain was sparkling that night and as well as I can remember it was still sparkling the next morning while I hugged it tightly. Guzzler, remember.

By now, everyone has decided we had BEEN ALONE enough. Lucy, Barbara's aunt finally gets thru and wants to come up and bring things she has made. She was an excellent cook and figured that was her only way to get an invitation. Barbara probably lied to her and told her the phone had been out of order -- no, she probably did and Lucy believed her. Babs was so mad, she saw her every day when she was at home, talked to her 40 times a day and now she could not even have a damned vacation w/o her. I assure Babs it will be fine...not to worry.

I think I forgot to say that Babs had brought along a video camera from her office. So we would have a video of this trip. Of course, Hell will freeze over before Babs ever finds it.

I have my own Aunt Eula. Drop the "e" and you have ULA. I feel that I should invite her up as well, just for the day. She would never spend the night and she isn't a gourmet cook.

Lucy showed up with 3 bright yellow tee shirts that she had had made just for us. They read "Billy Bob's Booze Cruise". Therefore, the title. She was so proud of herself. We made a big deal out of the shirts, the great food, etc. Lucy hit the wine, we all drank and cooked. Babs gets the video camera out and Lucy and I began play acting. The night goes down hill from there. We laughed all night long and everyone woke up with such a headache. Lucy went home that day vowing to come back and I could see that Babs was not happy. Hell, the food was great, use her, let her come back.

Babs was supposed to bring along some porn for us to watch. Her boss was furnishing the camera and the porn for our entertainment. I have never been able to watch porn with Babs. She can't shut her mouth. She kept telling me there's no plot so why can't she talk..her talking sorta ruins it for me. So her boss must have given her 2 or 3 porn tapes and the same amount of blank videos. But we were having too much fun to pay attention to anything other than making sure we didn't drop the camera.

We also had some friends come up one night and Babs informed everyone that I had never been skinny dipping. Unheard of, and that must be remedied immediately. I'm pretty sure that tequila or vodka was once again involved as I remember the lawn being littered with clothes as we all trek down to the Lake. By the time we get down the hill to the Lake we are in our underpants and that's it. It is dark outside, except there is a dusk-to-dawn light on the dock. There were always boats fishing on the lake at night -- what were we thinking or were we thinking at all? We hit the water and it was freezing and we had no shoes on, gooey water near the bank and as we began coming out of the underwear, we both fell in and jumped up as someone took a picture. God, I took off running up the hill, underwear around my ankles, what a sight. By the time all of us girls got back to the house we were hurting from laughter.

Someone had loaned us several big floats. One of those was a whale and the other was an alligator. I believe Frank, my son, took videos of us trying to get on those. If we just had that damn tape Babs! Nobody was drunk and that that was hysterical.

The week was winding down, Kreg had come and gone home (checking on us, under the pretense of fishing); friends had visited and we had skinny dipped (sorta) and we had good tans to show off back at work.

Aunt Eula is invited along with Lucy and another older couple that Barbara knew. We had a huge lunch and lots of laughs and told lots of lies and embellished lots of stories I am sure. Babs wanted to show them how much fun we had really had. She said I have a video of our good times. Let me get it.

We all take our ice tea into the living room and find a seat and wait for the movie. The video is hilarious, we are all laughing, our sides are hurting and then, at the same time, Babs and I see, the porn movie is on, a woman is moaning, her legs are spread and a man's head is between them. We almost knock each other down in the middle of the room trying to turn off the TV. She made it.

Thank God they were old, deaf and blind. They had no clue, Barbara and I were hysterical and couldn't quit laughing and the older folks kept saying "What, What" did we miss something? Babs said no, you didn't miss a damn thing. Little did they know. Had they seen they wouldn't have known. Babs and I still laugh about it to this day. We could relive it all over again if she could find the damn tape.

Since the day we left the lake I haven't had a taste of tequila and swore I never would again!