LOOKIN FOR A REAL COWBOY

My best friend Judy and I are always talking about a road trip. Believe me, we have done many and have laughed most of the way. I think our most fun trips have been going through Texas or just to Texas. In every state we manage to find the projects or dumpsters.

I have this thing for cowboys. Age doesn't really matter, I just would like to see a real one, watch him get up in his saddle and ride off or sit and talk to him about all the things he has seen and done (probably gonna have to be an older one to get that much information). So help me God, three times to Texas, not a cowboy in sight.

WHERE ARE THEY? I've been told they are there but "you can't see'em". What the hell does that mean, I ask"? It seems that the REAL COWBOYS are working on 2,000 - 3,000 acre ranches. Surely they leave sometime, ride a horse near the road, drive a truck with a dog in the back to the store. I am beginning to believe they are in Montana, Colorado or South Dakota....just not Texas.

So back to our road trip. Judy drives a big white Cadillac and if it could tell stories...whooo doggies. The beginning of this particular trip began with a short stay in Myrtle Beach, S.C., on of our favorite haunts. We drank green tea because it helps you to loose weight as well as kills the appetite. IT TRULY WORKS. Few days on the beach in our favorite condo, and we were off to Savannah, Georgia.

Now Savannah is another one of our favorite places. It is big and beautiful.
We don't always have lots of money to spend but we manage to have great fun and some of it we can even remember. But I swear to God, every time we go to Savannah we end up in the damn projects. Now we are both from a small town in Virginia. We don't have projects here, not even homeless people. So that is really culture shock for us, especially the first time we were lost. We always manage to find our way back to main street and laugh at our adventures and think how normal people would react in the same situation and what my husband would say if he knew.

We checked into a nice hotel outside of Savannah and drove in, took a nap and later found a place to park and walked around an area with bars, restaurants, art galleries, a square with a band playing and lots of seating. We took a load off, tapped our feet and clapped our hands and enjoyed ourselves. After we had enjoyed as much as we could stand we got up to cross the street and a man on a bicycle rickshaw blocked our way. I am sure we both gave him the EVIL EYE. He smiled and said "ladies, let me take you for a ride". We declined. Then the ass said "I have hauled men bigger than ya'll on here, and they weight 285 each." I asked him what in the hell he was trying to imply? He got the message, subtle as it was and scurried away. Well, we aren't lightweights but that was none of his business.

We had timed this trip so that we would be in time for the Jazz Festival to begin the next day. We had our folding chairs, our cooler, and our straw hats. We looked good. (It's all about lookin good or at least thinking you do) The Festival was held in Forsythe Park and it is beautiful, green, spacious and perfect.

We left the hotel early the next morning to allow time to visit the projects (which we did). Found the Park again, carried our chairs and cooler and sat under the shade of a big oak tree. My God, this was perfect and we could not quit grinning. Not too close the bands, not too close to people with children and not too close to the homeless people who were mingling around. I did notice across the Park lawn were porta johns. OH MY GAWD. I have never, never been inside of one of those things. I had already had one bottle of water and we had wine, cheese, fruit and salty things. Well we sat and enjoy the scenery, the young, handsome guys throwing frisbees, the old people in wheelchairs and the beautiful dogs. Every breed imaginable. A lady in a big floppy straw hat walked up with her CHOW and started talking to us. We were having a great conversation when her dog lifted his leg and peed all over Judy and her straw hat that was hanging from her chair arm. I was hysterical and crying. Judy jumped up and cursed the dog and the woman was apologizing over and over. I couldn't stifle myself. Just as everyone was getting over that damage that damn CHOW turned his back to us and kicked dirt all over Judy. That did it. That porta john seemed 8 miles away. I walked crossed legged all the way over there and prayed it would not smell and it would be clean and it would also be empty. My prayers were answered. I skipped back when I was through. We had a good laugh all over again and she cussed about that stupid dog and how she couldn't wear her hat. Oh that made my trip to Savannah. I kept laughing and saying thank God I had a good, dry hat. She says I am so hateful anyway -- can you imagine?

We left Savannah for Jacksonville, Fla. Judy has a cousin who lives there. We stopped on the way into town to look at the ocean. We parked right beside the Rescue Squad and the Fire Department. The wind was blowing like a bitch. There were all these red flags out on the beach and on lifeguard stands. No one on the beach but us. We wondered out loud what that was about. I said sharks and she thought maybe rough waters. We sat on the steps leading to the beach for a good 30 minutes enjoying the ocean and the salty air. When we met up with her cousin she said the flags meant RED TIDES. Red Tides is very bad for your lungs and your breathing and I believe it is brought on by storms and when all the junk on the bottom of the ocean floor is churned up and the beaches are covered with brown foam. Glad we inhaled for 30 minutes. We had dinner with the family at a fish camp right on a swamp and the restaurant sat out over it. The rains had caused flooding and the owners had placed boards to walk thru the parking lot to get inside. I was wondering what the floor inside was gonna like. It was nice, but we ate by a window and watched alligators and turtles swimming right next to the building. I prayed the building wouldn't sink til we left.

The next morning we headed out for the Florida Panhandle in search of more adventures. We traveled the beach highways (Judy hates the interstates and that's why we stay lost most of the time). I think I forgot to mention that we have a GPS and it stays in the trunk because she says it doesn't work right...... Okay, so we were driving on Route 98, right along side of the Gulf Coast. There were bugs as big as sparrows hitting our windshield and hood. My God, I thought the locust had come. The windshield wipers barely kept the windshield clean. (Judy has since had her car detailed twice and there are still bug guts on it from that trip, they cannot get them off). I told Judy we had to find a bathroom quick or I was gonna have to use the woods. That was about the time we passed a sign to watch for bears. Then I saw a road to the right and a sign that read "JAIL". I yelled for her to take it. About a half a mile later the female jailer let me in to use the facilities and stayed outside the bathroom door to let me outside safely. Yes, there were people in the jailhouse. About 3 miles down the road we saw a bear safely make it across the road between 2 cars. Not long after that we saw a single biker heading the other way, towards the bear. Wonder if he made it or ended up as bear food????

That night we stayed in Panama City Beach. We decided to hang around for a couple of days. The next day we went sightseeing. We found a side road to pull onto to get to the beach. Oh my God, the sand was white and fine and the water was as calm and warm as bath water. We found a small tidal pool on the beach and sat our chairs in it and said "THIS IS THE LIFE." That was right before the flies attacked us and we dropped our paperbacks in the water swatting them. By then it was 100 degrees and it seemed a long way back to the steps to our car. Our feet sunk down into the sand up to our ankles. What a pretty sight we were. Too fat women trying to run in hot, ankle deep sand. A good Samaritan was parked beside of us. He said you ladies look like you could use a cold drink and handed us a bottle of icy cold water. He was a nice guy from Tennessee. Remember I told you about drinking that green tea, for weight and appetite. Well we were still doing it because we had a damn case of it. So I had noticed a gym/spa when we checked in the previous day --- it's obvious that neither of us work out! So I peeked in and didn't see anyone and I wanted to weigh myself to see if the tea was working. Sure enough, I had lost 6 lbs. Damn, I'm good. I turned to get off the scales and saw myself in a group of mirrors and it scared me so bad that I screamed. Then I realized it was me. What if someone else had been in there. That blood curdling scream could have caused them to have had a heart attack. When I returned to the room and told Judy I thought she was going to have a heart attack. She said I was a SICK WOMAN. Another day of resting and reading and we were fired up and ready to hit the road again.

We drove through Biloxi and Gulf Port, how sad. All the big beautiful homes we remembered from previous trips were gone -- Katrina had leveled or ruined most of them. We had seen alot of the damage on TV, but nothing compares to seeing it up close and personal. We drove on through New Orleans and saw the damage there as well. We thought about staying outside of Baton Rouge but there was a huge football game and we drove for 12 hours before we found a room.

We checked into a brand new hotel and they offered the usual breakfast which I like, because it's free. I think I have also forgotten to tell you all that I end up being the "HUSBAND". I wake up early and love to go eat breakfast and read the paper and watch the people. Judy needs her beauty sleep and is a slug. She moves slow. So I go do my thing and then bring her a breakfast tray back to the room. Everyone probably assumes we are gay, but we aren't. "NOT THAT THERE'S ANYTHING WRONG WITH THAT" (from Seinfield). So this particular morning I was having a great time and some guy tries to pick me up. HOLY SHIT. That hasn't happened for years. He must have been really hard up or I must look great with bed hair, and no makeup. He was a nice looking man, my age, and was a salesman for truck and car parts. I listened to him talk and told him I was from Virginia and traveling to Texas. He wanted to know if I was alone or with family. I said actually, I am with my "GIRLFRIEND". That didn't deter him at all. I said, matter of fact, I have to fix her breakfast right now. He said you are hilarious. Please don't go yet, let's sit and talk over another cup of coffee. He wrote his room number down on his business card and told me to call him when I got back to my room and wanted to know if I had an E-mail address. I told him no E-mail and he said call me anyway. I got Judy's breakfast plate and hurried to the room as fast as I could go. I told Judy "I STILL HAD IT" --I couldn't believe it. That morning we checked out and headed for Katy, Texas to visit another friend.

We hadn't seen our friend Julie for years and she and her husband Jay insisted we bring our laundry and come for dinner. You can't beat that. We decided the next day so that Jay would drive us to Galveston. He said he hated Galveston but he wanted to be with us -- what a guy. I thought Galveston was gonna be a dirty oil town and I figured Glenn Campbell would be there singing as we drove up. He wasn't. Jay was very knowledgeable about Galveston though. He said it used to be a Mafia town (oh my God, I love the Mafia and the Sopranos). That people had to get their permission to build hotels. UNREAL. Great trip, good stories and fabulous friends.

The next morning we left Katy and headed for Corpus Christi. While we were driving around checking the yachts and sights I realized I had to go to the bathroom and QUICK! There was a restaurant right on the water called Joe's Crab Shack. They also had $1.00 margaritas. (PERFECT) By the time Judy got the Caddy close to the entrance I wasn't sure I could even make it out of the car inside to the bathroom. She parked and left the motor runnning, I walked in front of the car and Judy turned in the seat to get a map and her foot hit the gas. It scared me so bad that I wet my pants and there was no stopping it. She turned and realized what she had done as I stood in front of the car and we both laughed so hard. I did go into Joe's to clean up with paper towels and put some in my underwear (TMI) til we found a hotel. Thank God I had on black shorts and the caddy has leather seats.

We got a room in a fabulous high rise hotel overlooking the water and yachts. The room was floor to ceiling windows and we were on the 10th floor. After a quick shower and while Judy got her shower I walked around the room naked, just because I could. The high rises around us were office buildings, it was late and I am sure the offices were closing. It was something I had to do once, like skinny dipping. We didn't read of anyone dying of heart attacks the next morning either. We had dinner out and a great time.

The next day we got our straw hats (yes, Judy's had dried), suntan lotion, books and a cooler and headed for San Padre Island. OH MY GOD, we were so excited. We drove for 3 1/2 hours and finally I said where in the hell is the water? Judy, in this instance, is the HUSBAND. She will not ask for directions. Oh, the one time she did (another time we were lost) she asked an UPS man where we were going? I wish you could have seen the look on his face? Like, lady if you don't know, I sure as hell don't. So we stopped and I asked for directions. The fellow told me we were going the wrong way. WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT. We had to backtrack 100 miles -- remember, the GPS is still in the trunk. Anyone want to travel with us? We are lots of laughs and stay lost a lot. So we finally found the water and the beach. The beach was covered with tons of seaweed. We finally cleared us a spot, raking the seaweed away with our feet and sat our chairs down and prepared for a nice afternoon. Our chairs sunk about a foot into the sand and the water rolled in and soaked our asses (literally). We got up and jerked our chairs out of the wet sand and moved them back 6 or 7 feet and tried to unwind. We were there for almost 2 hours. It took us 5 hours to get there. Now get this -- North Padre and Corpus Beach were only 20 minutes and 2 humongous bridges away had we used our GPS. We could have had a whole day at the beach.

Worn out we headed back to the hotel. I had on my prescription sunglasses and I looked good. Lots of rhinestones and glitter. But it was dark by this time and I needed my regular glasses. I didn't know where they were. Judy wears sunglasses day and night. But she was driving and driving fast and not paying attention and there are lots of feeder roads down there. She would start to get off on one of those feeder roads and I would scream NOOOOOOOOOOOO and she would swerve back in the lane. It was almost midnight and trucks were passing us like we were sitting still. They were going at least 90 mph. I said "hell, keep up with 'em". We did and the next thing we know we were in a lane with everyone else and coming to a stop -- a truck weigh station lane. Finally, some ACTION. A FEDERAL CHECK STATION, WOW. OH MY GOD -- cops and dogs, just like on TV - HOT DAMN! It was finally our turn for the search, I knew we "fit the profile". Two blonde fat women in a caddy -- had to be drug runners, right. The FED stepped up to the window and asked if we were U.S. Citizens and Judy answered yes and then they wanted to know if anyone else was in the car??? WHAT? Where would they be? They waved us right on through. Just our luck. We wanted to hear him say "Mam, step out of the car". We were disappointed. Anyway we finally made it back to the room and collapsed.

Did I forget to mention that every night or every other night I would write a newsletter to our friends and office mates. They called us Thelma and Louise. I assured them we would never intentionally hurt ourselves. Sometimes Judy would write the letter, if I was too tired or brain dead, that happens alot to me. I know in one of our newsletters she wrote that "Gail is walking around like a Silverback Gorilla." Beauty is in the eyes of the beholder, right.

We got up early and headed to Kingsville, Texas. I was finally gonna see some COWBOYS at the infamous KING RANCH, giddy up little doggie. We arrived in fine form, and checked into a hotel and unloaded. God, do you realize how many times we load and unload. Think of how many clothes two women take on a trip like this one (a month). Not only do we fill the trunk but we fill the back seat. I think of these insignificant things as I write. I have a clothes basket we fill with food or whatever needs to go in there, usually food. We will stop at a wayside or somewhere we see that looks nice and have a snack and just take a break. Anyway it's a lot of work. We need a full time person just to handle the luggage and check-in and out. So we have the information for the Ranch. I am stiff-legged with excitement. We find the big gated entrance and it's more than anyone can imagine. The grounds were beautiful. We had to go to a gift shop to pay and ride in a van for the tour. The only cowboy I saw there was an 84 yr old Mexican Cowboy who had been raised on the King Ranch. He was in charge of showing us the many brands that had been used on cattle over the years. He was gracious enough to have his picture taken with me. When the film was developed, my stomach was huge and my mouth was wide open). When we returned to the gift shop I bought a postcard with his picture, standing by his horse, chaps and all, taken at least 30 years earlier.


We were ready to head to San Antonio. Oh God, we love San Antonio. The Riverwalk, the Mexican pastries that are full of lard, the jewelry, the junk and we always try on sombreros. We stopped in a little town called Sequin, right outside of San Antonio. Oh, this is so funny. After shopping and eating the not so good ($13.00 worth) of pastries, we went to a Mexican Restaurant nearby. Big walking area full of shops and restaurants. As we got seated I said, Jesus I need a drink. I ordered a Margarita. I kept trying to get the eye of one of the mariachi singers so he could come sing to the weary travelers. Finally, they ambled over our way, black tight pants with silver clips and buttons down the pants and just so cool. So they were strumming away and I am sucking down that drink like last call and grinning wide enough to show molars and of the guys says something to Judy. I grinned really big at her and asked what he "wanted". She said he wants $6.00 damnit. I said OK and handed him the money and said play again because I realized Judy's sister would love to hear them play and sing and she was back home at work. So they are really getting down this time and I dial a number and hold the phone up for a few minutes and God only knows who was on the other line, but it was not Janis. Damn, I had to redial and that was gonna mean another $6.00 and we had no clue what the hell they were singing. It happened, they sang, Janis loved it and we were all happy.

The next day we checked out of the hotel -- we are still lugging these suitcases. We were not smart enough to pack a change of clothes and underwear each time we left for a new venue....that would have been way too easy. We head to Abilene, I love that song, don't you. "Pretty girls don't treat you mean in Abilene."
I think George Hamilton, IV sang that song. We found a so-so Hampton Inn and checked in. Oh My God, as we are driving down the feeder road to the hotel I see a sign that reads "Livestock Auction" the next night. I'm in Heaven..... I said oh we have to go to the auction and after dinner we have to go up that road so I can see the bulls. I love cattle -- I must be a reincarnated Texan, ya think? Poor Judy, she is not into livestock -- cowboys yes, horses and cattle no. So after dinner we drive up the dirt road to the barns. Well they had different size bulls, calves, cows, in different pens everywhere. HUGE bulls, all kinds. I walked over to the gates and said "Granny's here" and baby talked to them. Those that didn't stampede were very curious, especially the calves, they were so cute with those big brown eyes and eyelashes. Then I walked over to the BULL pens, she kept yelling I was going to be killed and "that I would be sorry." We read the signs and learned that the auction was to begin at 9 the next morning. I could hardly sleep from excitement.

The next morning I went to the "kitchen" and it was full of men, I guess they were there for the auction. I was so excited when I saw they had two waffle makers. So I fixed my coffee and waffles and had breakfast and people watched. Got Judy's breakfast to her and hurried her as fast as I could. Off we went. My God there were big Caddilacs, big new Ford and Dodge Trucks and18 wheelers everywhere, cattle bawling, mooing, bellering. We went in and the building was round and not at all what we expected. We assumed the seating would be bleachers. We were wrong, just like stadium seating, except old theater seats. It really smelled like cows too. Damn, I knew there was gonna be a cowboy there. I felt like a kid at a circus. Judy told me calm down. (My daughter says "calm down Bevis" when I get that way) We had never been to anything like that so it was interesting. They had a small little area that had a gate leading into it and a gate leading out. There was a tobacco chewing guy standing next to each gate (about 5 ft off the ground covered with straw and manure). They would run one cow in at a time, start bidding and the poor animals were scared too death. The gate keepers each had a whip that they cracked and sometimes popped the animal, I think more to scare them than to hurt them, I hope. We actually met a bookkeeper for the Auction who was from Virginia originally and had moved to Texas with her husband, so that was fun. By the way -- no cowboys, just rednecks and old fat men with big hats and big bellies to match. I was disheartned. I took a walk and left Judy upstairs and walked the grounds and saw how they unloaded cattle from three levels of a tractor trailer and how easy it looked. I then went back to the Auction building and into their store. There sat the whips. Leather, braided whips, many different colors. I could not leave Texas w/o a whip. The fellows that sold it to me were wannabe cowboys. I asked to see the whips. I tried to make it crack and couldn't. There was one man working in the store and some guy just hanging out. The one hanging out asked if I wanted that whip for my children or grandchildren and I said NO; they wanted to know if I wanted it for my boyfriend and I said NO; I want to use it on my husband. One of them slapped his knee and said HOLD ON LADY, LET ME GET YOU A STUN GUN. I said I don't want to kill him, just get his attention. About this time Judy arrived. She then proceeded to tell them I had wanted to drink a beer out of a longneck bottle and see a real cowboy. The salesman loved it. He said come on girls, I'm gonna shut this place down and we are all going to go to Chili's for lunch and a beer. There was also a female broker (that works for a cattle company out of Chicago) and she was having a ball. Now the guy who had wanted to know who I was gonna use the whip on was just too full of himself. He was such a flirt. I said listen fella, you get outta hand and I will use this whip on you. The salesman said that's it girls, I want to see that happen, let's go. We joked and talked for a little while and we went away on our own.

Found us a hotel and checked in and "unwound". The next morning I smell my way to the food and YIPPEE, it's waffle machines again. It was a very small dining room and nobody in there spoke English except me (or they were pretending). So nobody to talk to. I had grabbed a paper and was reading that and waiting for my waffles to cook. I had tied up both machines because I was HUNGRY. While I sat and ate my waffles, two men in business suits came in and asked if I could tell them how to operate the waffle makers. I wanted to say Hell yea, I used to work at Waffle House, but I restrained myself. Nobody in there looked fun. So I told them to spray the hot burners and pour a cup of batter over it and close it up and wait for the beep. I looked up as one of the guys covered the burner with whipped cream. You know that made my day and they got a kick out of it too. They had to clean it all up, their waffles stuck and then I had to pick Judy's out in pieces. MEN!!! Nothing happened here that was even remotely interesting.

Our next stop was Wichita Falls. After unpacking I saw a huge black bug scurrying across the room. OH GOD, a roach was all I could think of. I stomped it's guts all over the carpet. I knew I would worry all night about bugs in the room. The next morning, I did the breakfast duty, came back and while Judy ate I got in the shower. The water would either get scalding hot or icy cold. I called the front desk raising hell. They told me that we should go next door and use that shower. UNREAL. I told them HELL NO, we were checking out and wanted a discount. They took $20 off of our bill and we left without our showers. I went to the car to clean the the bug guts off of the windshield. Now instead of parking up against those concrete logs in parking lots, one of us parked to the side of it. I walk in a trot all the time anyway and I got what I needed out of the car and never looked down and fell over one of those concrete log and nearly killed myself. OH SHIT I SCREAMED. I tried to jump up fast but I couldn't. I had torn all the skin off of my knees, elbows, fingers. I wanted to cry so bad. I heard something and two of the Mexican maids came to help me but they couldn't get me up. I said No, No -- probably really loud to, in case they didn't understand English -- you know how talking loud helps, right. Then they ran over to these two guys and I guess they all worked there and the guys just looked at me and finally after much talking they started over and I said No, No ,and I got up, embarassed and hurt. I was a cripple for a week. No matter though, we were on our way to Sweetwater, Texas.

Sweetwater, Texas. That is such a cowboy town name, isn't it. As we were driving into Sweetwater, we see the plateaus covered with huge windmills, just like those in Palm Springs. The only difference was, these weren't moving. We drove through Colorado City and Big Springs, thinking we were gonna see quaint little towns. What we saw were ghost towns. Even the schools were boarded up. We would see a 7-11 and maybe a gas station but the "downtowns" were gone. Storefronts covered with plywood. Very disappointing. We had our books and chairs in case we found a creek or a river to sit by and read. The creeks were even dried up.

We are really looking forward to revisiting Fort Worth. Now there are some cowboys.
We knew that they would run the longhorns through town to the stockyards and the cowboys would be herding them on horses, photo ops galore. There is also always a longhorn bull there that you can ride and/or have your picture taken on. Saddle, bridle, everything. HUGE ASS HORNS. For lunch that day I had fried green tomatoes and margueritas and Judy had stuffed baked potatoes. I guess I'm the alcoholic.

Across the street from where we had lunch I noticed a boot store. BE STILL MY HEART. Friendly help and lots of it. An elderly man came to my rescue and started out by showing me some $1800 boots. I told him that was way out of my league. Then I saw the pair that I had to have. Snake skin. OH MY GOD, WAS I COOL OR WHAT. He found a size 10 and after a couple of margueritas I thought I could stand on one foot and put on a pair of boots. NOT! We sat down and I realized there was no way in hell these boots were going on. I almost had my leg up even with my shoulder when the salesman came over to me with a huge smile and a pair of "boot hooks". Showed me how to hook in the straps on the top of the boot and pull 'em right on. Heaven, I'm in Heaven.... He gave me a boot jack (to get them off with for free).

We left the store and headed up the street to wait for the cattle run. We found a bench under a shade tree and settled in for the long run. I HAVE PICTURES. You will just have to go to MYSPACE and see them (I still haven't figured out how to pixs by these paragraphs) I saw a fellow dressed as an Indian in his suede, fringed outfit across the street holding his horse and I ran over and had my picture taken with him. I also had my picture taken on the Bull with the saddle, again. I was having a hard time pulling myself up in the stirrups and the handler said "put your arm around my neck darlin". I am sure I melted. When I had done this several years earlier, the handler had a long handled mustache and was so funny. He tried his best to push my big ass up on the bull and realized it was gonna take a bigger man than him. So he "walked that bull up a set of steps" (visitor center) and I was able to get on him there. As I slung my leg over the bull he peed a stream a mile long. Then the handler walked me around the circle. They don't do that anymore so you only sit on the bull.

Anyway back to the cowboys riding in the street waiting for the herd's arrival. There was a really handsome black cowboy with chaps and a big ole hat on and he had a whip. He would slow ride by and crack that whip and I would clap and jump up and down. When he smiled, one of his front teeth was gold and it sparkled. The men that work the horses and cattle ride are Fort Worth Town Employees and they volunteer to do this. Fabulous to know people like that. They were so friendly and nice.

I joined Judy under the tree and not long after that a mother and 4 of her sons joined us. They were as cute as they could be. Giggling and laughing and blowing bubbles. I said I really want some of that bubble gum you all are chewing. Judy rolls her eyes and shakes her head. She would never be so brazen. I look at the youngest and he grins and says I don't have it, my brother has it and it was like that with the other 3. I said ok, whoever gives me a piece of gum first gets a $1.00 bill. Talk about them finding the gum -- in a N.Y. minute. They ranged in age from 7-4. One of them had huge front teeth, one had no front teeth the younger ones were cute but not as much personality. I talked with them for a little while and they told me they moved to Texas from California but their grandparents lived in Ft. Worth.

Their Mother was talking with someone else and told them not to get in the street that the bulls would be coming soon and to stay on the sidewalk or else. So they walked in front of my to the curb and I pushed all 4 of them off the curb into the street and their Mother saw them in the street and yelled at them. The boys were giggling and had wads of gum in their mouths and couldn't tell her I had done it and I am sure she didn't see it. That went on for at least 10 minutes til they were almost hysterical from laughing. We must have done that 4 or 5 times. Their Mother wasn't happy with them. I had so much fun with the kids and the cowboys and watching the cattle drive.

We stayed in a Raddison Hotel that night and it was fabulous. The beds had remote controls. No, not vibrators. We noticed we had been invaded by tiny ants. We didn't bring them in because we had too much other stuff to carry. We had green tea for dinner and rested great in those beds. When Judy got up she said she thought 5 lbs of fat had slid off of her during the night. I told her not to worry, it was only her comforter. Party pooper.

The next day we packed up and headed for Rockwall, Texas. I have a cousin there that I haven't seen for several years. She promises to take me to Sam Moon shopping. I am not sure how far away Dallas is from there but we get lost on the way to the store and lost on the way home. She has to call her husband and he has to get on mapquest and do a search to tell us how to get home. I have no idea about towns in that area, so I was no help and she had never driven there alone. I am pretty sure we were on the George Bush highway. While we were in Sam Moon's I was so happy. Glitter, Glitter everywhere. Did I tell you my daughter calls me a Racoon. I must have glitter! Rhinestones, sapphires, diamonds, jewels, bangles. So I bought several CoCoa Channel knock-offs as well as a huge belt buckle with a $ sign made with rhinestones. It is far out, especially with jeans and my snakesink boots.

Two days in Rockwall and we were off to Memphis to see the KING. We have loved Elvis since we were 11 or 12 yrs old. My daddy went to Memphis on a business trip when Elvis first became popular. He bought me a set of 45's by Elvis. I played them over and over and over until I wore the music off. Those were the days.

The next day we found our hotel in South Haven, Mississippi. About 15 minutes from Memphis, if you don't get lost. Judy had gotten on line and scheduled us for the Memphis MOJO Music Tour. We talk for hours about the fun that will be and going to BB King's place, and hearing the blues and eating ribs and barbecue. I think we started to drool. We unloaded, we were almost pros by then. Not as much grunting and groaning. Not once, did a man offered to hold a door, help carry or push. I think it's because we're fat? We treated ourselves to dinner at the Olive Garden and even dessert. YUUUUUM.

That night I took a Dramamine because I have motion sickness. I took one the next morning as well. Didn't want to throw up on the bus. Judy read me the ad for the tour and it said if you have an instrument, bring it along and play. She called the number on the ad and got directions to the office where we were to meet. We had to be there by 2:30. As we left the hotel for Memphis, I asked Judy to read the directions out loud. Judy can't read her writing. She doesn't want to call back and sound stupid and she was sure the man would "recognize" her sexy voice. So as we drove I called and asked for directions and repeated them and told her to write legibly in the car. We found Beale Street and waited on the tour bus to arrive. The tour was great, we drove around Memphis, and learned about the beginning of the blues, rock and roll and which music originated in Memphis. Our tour guide was as cute as he could be and sounded like Elvis, Jerry Lee and all of the other old timers. His name was MEMPHIS. We sang and clapped and had a wonderful time. The next day was a tour of Graceland. We knew we would be reunited with the King.

We drove home that night with a smile on our face and a song in our heart. As we walked to our room, Judy notice one of the rooms on our floor had an easy chair. She asked one of the maids if we could get one also. Sure enough, one was brought to us. Judy was in heaven. I was hungry. I walked to the car to get a bag of pretzels and on the first floor was a man with a combo refrigerator/microwave. I said we don't have one of those in our room and we really need it. He said well these were special ordered for the 28 NAVY SEALS THAT HAVE JUST LEFT. I said oh my God, what I would given to see a Navy Seal. He said Lady, there are 50 more in our hotel next door. I laughed out loud and said, hmmm I think I may be too old. He said Honey, anything above ground is gravy. I'm not sure I know what that means, but it has something to do, I think, if you're not dead.....we're not too old. Anyway he delivered that combo right up to our room. I told Judy we should have a jock strap raid on the Fairfield Inn next door and she rolled her eyes.

The next morning we drove into Memphis and rode the tour bus to Graceland. Wall-to-wall people. It was like an amusement park, maybe worse. We waited our turn to board a little bus to cross the street to Graceland. We kinda got a chill when we drove up to the house. What a let down. I am sure that back in the 50's that was truly a mansion. Now it is a dark, mildewy house. It was fun to see the rooms and the furniture but you could only look thru the doorways. I didn't stay in very long, remember, I walk fast. Judy stayed longer, she is sentimental and cries easily. I got outside where I could get some fresh air and watch some horses gallop in a field behind the house. After the tour of the house we had to wait on a van to take us back across the road and drop us. Then we had to wait for the bus to pick us up. We visited the shops and the planes and we were ready to blow the joint. We had an hour wait before we were picked up. We finally got back on Beale Street and went into BB King's restaurant and had a snack (ribs) and listened to some really old man practice. Then Judy and I took our own little walking tour around that neighborhood.

This had been a long trip for two ole gals. We were ready to head back to the mountains of ole Virginny.

Since I don't have a cheat sheet and there were no more e-mails home, this is gonna wind it up. We had a wonderful road trip as usual but never saw a real cowboy.


We will try again, there's always a road trip in the works.

Happy Trails