The first sleep study I had done this year was at 6:30 p.m. Bright and shiny when I arrived at the clinic, even tho while trying to manage favorite pillows, a makeup bag, travel bag with pj's, underwear, clean clothes, etc, the clinician spoke to me through the open window near my head and I screamed and jump and pissed myself. After we both quit laughing she pushed the button and let me go in to the bathroom and clean up. Her name was Heather and we knew it was gonna be a wild ride. True to form that night was giggles and laughter most of the night. I asked if she had any snacks and she asked if I was hungry. I told her to look at me and then asked if I looked hungry. I thought she would drown in her own saliva when she tried not to laugh. I said yea, bitch laugh. Do you or do you not have any food. When she finally got herself under control she thought there might be some old blueberry muffins. I said "no chocolate" and we laughed again. So that was the first trip under MEDICARE. I had my first study done when I was a member of the WORKING CLASS and belonged to an ANTHEM group. So Heather hooked all these wires up to me head, and glued them to my scalp, face, neck, chin, boobs, under boobs, back, shin bone, ankles. We found something funny about that as well.
We were both exhausted after that workout and she told me to take a break and she would look for chocolates or something and I could fill out the 5 pages of forms. She also had another lady to get rigged up. So I watched TV and filled out the form. Heather came back with the tiniest can of coke I have ever seen. It had sugar and it went down real gooooood. So we said our good nights and she left. Ohhhhh Ohhhhh, I forgot to tell you that these sleep studies are filmed. Snoring, farting, whatever you do. I had to sign a Release agreeing to that. So the next morning I awoke knowing that since I do have sleep apnea I would have a breathing machine over my nose and mouth and oxygen would be forced down my throat keeping my airway open. Well, much to my dismay and surprise. When I could finally open my eyes and I could barely hear her voice (hearing aids in a drawer) she said time to rise and shine. I said where the fuck is my breathing machine? She said with Medicare we have to do a STUDY first. You will have to come back and have another one done. WELL HOLY SHIT. I PITY THE FOOL that has to watch that. So I am sure I was gasping and gagging and snoring and choking and talking and cursing (I am bilingual and bisexual and can do many things) all night long. So we started laughing again. My hair looked like someone had glued pieces of it together with super glue and there was no way in hell it was coming unglued. Even tho the eye make up was taken off, there was a whoooooole lot left on. I don't know where it hid while the other came off. Maybe I rub my eyes too. I had mascara down to my cheeks. I looked like some ghost with glue matted in its hair. So I hit the huge walk in shower (big enough for an old person in a wheel chair) and took my time while thinking of where I could have breakfast. Breakfast was from a drive-thru Hardees and consisted of two butter biscuits and coffee with 18 creamers. I sang along with moldy oldies on my XM radio all the way and the day was great.
SLEEP STUDY 3 WEEKS LATER WITH A MAN CLINICIAN
Last nights slept study began at 8:30 p.m. It was almost dark. I knew I had to walk up that long ramp to get in the building. It is scary at night. There are bushes grown where anyone could hide and jump out and getcha. This time I didn't take all that junk. No pillows and just a lighter load. I had gone to dinner with my kids at Applebees and they had salad type things like I did. But I got an Asian chicken salad. I really wanted a mixed drink but figured they would ask if I had or smell it on me and cancel the study. So I didn't have my drink. We had a great time at dinner and went to the drugstore next door and my daughter-in-law looked up above the entrance and saw this huge snake skin wrapped around part of the decorative entrance. Well, we told everyone going in and coming out. We know how to draw a crowd. Finally some little smart ass clerk (male of course) came out and said NAAAY, it's not real - we put it up there to keep the birds away. We said sure you did. So we went into the store, bought lots of candy and left. I was sure as hell gonna have candy this time: Maple Nut Goodies (like my grandmother used to have) and 2 large bags of peanut M&M's.
So I check out with $14 worth of candy and heading to the clinic.
I got there with a minute to spare. I was hoping Heather would be there again. Nope it was a MAN. OH GOD, he is gonna be gluing those things all over me. Should be interesting.
As I got ready to open the door, he ALSO spoke threw the window, "IT'S OPEN". I was prepared and opened the door and went right in. He met me and opened the entrance to the clinic and I said don't say anything, show me to the bathroom and QUICK. He said right this way and run. I knew we would have fun then. I just barely made it to the bathroom. He took all my luggage as I came in and sorta threw it at him and said "show me..." There are 6 bedrooms there and each one has its own bath and if there is a community bathroom, I have no idea where it is and didn't have time to wait for a tour.
I guess he listened for a flush because once I had flushed and washed my hands, he knocked on my door and brought my stuff in. He was cute and funny and married. I can find out a lot in 5 min and he probably didn't even know he had told me. His name was David and he lived about 45 miles away and had children and his children were girls and his 3 dogs were girls too. He was happy. He smiled all the time. We made small talk and he explained different things he was going to asking me to do, filling out forms, taking my blood pressure, taping a pulse machine over my finger, gluing electrodes in my hair (to my scalp), under my pj's on my legs, to my neck, chin, forehead, back of neck. So he would leave me to put on my pj's and he would be back. I was to sit in a straight jack and if I had some sleep tablet that I took to sleep to take that too.
So knowing there is a microphone and camera in there I went in the bathroom to undress. You know that younger men are always interested in 67 yr old women don't you??
Whether David peaked or listened or waited til I opened my door, I don't know. I opened my door, turned the TV on loud and he came back about 10 min later. As I said earlier, David did have a great sense of humor. So I had put on red silk pj's long legs and long sleeves. Had I had shorties I would have worn them since I am always burning up. So David has on his blue dr. scrubs and is squatting at my feet. I had already started jerking his chain and he was laughing. So David said he was gonna roll up my pj legs. I grasped my throat and said WHY? He looked really serious and said he was sorry, he thought I knew that and I shook my head and then he said that he was going to run the electrodes hooked to my shin bone up the front of my thigh and up the front of my stomach to my chest. I still had this wide-eyed look on my face and he wasn't sure if I was jerking his chain or what. Then he said is that okay? I said I guess. So we did that. Then he said, "my wife has been wanting some silk pjs". I asked him what made him thin of that. Poor thing. He said well yours did. I said why haven't you bought her some and he replied that he just never thought of them. I said so you are looking at me and thinking of your wife in my pj's? He said Oh, No mam. I just keep staring at him. He was trying so hard not to get rattled. Then he had to hand me another electrode up the left leg for me to put my hand down the top of my thigh to grab. I told him he had rolled the leg up too tight on my knee and was going to have to lower it some. He gladly did that too. That was done. Then he had to glue them almost on my boob. I had to be careful not to laugh at him. He got those done. He was then afraid that by taping the pulse thing on my new fingernails that the polish would come off. I said well I guess you all can reimburse me for that. It only costs $60.00. He was soooooo careful.
Next he started gluing the electrodes to my face, starting with my chin. I said JESUS H, do you have to remove the damn skin first. He laughed and I said what are you putting on my skin and he was so droll when he said acetone. I said Don't be a SMART ASS DAVID. He said well you started it. He was getting the hang of it. He put them on my neck, face, chest and then behind the ears and then in the hair (that had been colored that day). I remembered today that when Heather had done it, she had an electrode under each boob -- I think he just couldn't go there. hahaha
So he said well why don't you get ready for bed and I will get the machine on you and...... I said wait a minute, I am not ready for bed. He then said he had another client to get ready. I said well go get that person done and leave my ass alone. I am gonna read or watch TV. He said, well let's at least try the mask on you. I said alright. I picked up the mask and said that's way tooo small. He said NO IT ISN'T. I said YES IT IS. He said NO IT ISN'T. I said I would think I know better than you. He said I doubt it. I said wanna put some $$$ where your mouth is? He laughed and said NO. I said fine, but it on me and you will BE WRONG. He said NO I WON'T, I SAID YES YOU WILL, that went back and forth 2 or 3 times. Finally he put it on and it worked for about 5 seconds and then it wouldn't stay in place and I laughed and said nanner nanner nanner. He said I knew I was gonna loose. So he got the medium and that particular one wouldn't work either and then he got one like the one I use at home and PRESTO, it worked. I sat up in the bed and held my arms out and sang the MIGHTY MOUSE SONG. "HERE I COME TO SAVE THE DAY" and he really enjoyed that.
He had to go test his equipment in the testing room and automatically turned off my TV (shithead). Then made me do eye exercises, breathing so many times, blink my eyes and said perfect. And the next thing I remembered was him waking me up at 5:30 a.m. I said Jesus David why are you waking me up at this hour? He said my shift is over and I had to finish you up, finish my paperwork and go home. So as he took all the electrodes off, I filled out his paperwork. I said I bet half this shit is where I am suppose to write how wonderful you were and he said yes mam. HAHAH It was true, a whole page. Once I finished my praises of him and the clinic I went to bed and slept til 9 a.m. Never saw David again.
What I did forget to mention was that I had told David about Heather having no food or sweets. I said so here are some maple nut goodies for you. He said WONDERFUL; I love toffee -- thank you so much. I realized this morning that I forgot (hahaha) to leave them a huge bag of M&M chocolate covered peanuts. Hell, they won't go to waste.
Hope you enjoyed my fun
:300
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
WOKING WOCKY
In February of this year, while getting my hair colored, I received a call from a friend who lives in North Carolina. The friend owns a beautiful condo at Myrtle Beach. That's how I met her -- by the pool at the Regency. Janis called and I was sitting on the couch with bleach burning my scalp and we chit chatted for a few and said she wanted to ask me a favor. I said sure I will do it. She said how can you say that when you don't even know what I am gonna ask you! I said that's what friends are for. She then said well, I wanted to see if "you'uns would keep Rocky while me and Bob go on a cruise." I said sure, where and when. She told me the cruise was in March and we could either keep him at their home in North Wilkesboro, N.C. at their log cabin orrrrrrrr at the condo at Myrtle Beach, S.C. (16th floor) ocean front. WHICH DO YOU THINK I CHOSE?????? Right, the Oceanfront condo.
I could hardly wait to get that damned bleach out of my hair and call Judy. She knew she had some commitment in March and it finally dawned on her that on the 22nd of March she had to meet her sister at Duke University Hospital for a consultation. Perfect timing. Our friends returned on the 20th. HOT DAMN -- we love it when a plan comes together.
The Dog, Rocky, is a rat terrier and I don't care what anyone else says. He is not a Jack Russell and he is not a Chihuahua. He is a RAT TERRIER. He also should have been named Barney Fife. We were told when we were first introduced to Rocky that he was an abused dog. Janice had adopted him from the Security Guard, Jack, who worked at the Regency. Janice had other dogs had home, so what was one more. Rocky had not let me or Judy get very close to him in the past. We could rub an ear, touch him as he ran by, but that was about it.
We arrived in S.C. on Thursday to get acquainted with Rocky. Of course, Rocky was a wreck and never let Janice out of his sight the whole time we were there. He knew something was up, dogs are smart. Judy and I both felt so sorry for him. Being left alone with two women that he had no damned idea who they were. He kept his tail tucked as he ran around us, soooo sad. That Thursday night, we had dinner and Janis decided that
I would sleep in the Master Bedroom where she and Rocky usually slept. He had a cute set of wood steps that he ran up and down to get on the king sized bed. I slept in the Master Suite all alone, Janice and Rocky across the hall and Judy in the 3rd bedroom. The next morning, Janice and I had coffee and I told her I would like to take him out to do his business. She agreed that would be a good idea and she would watch from the balcony. The walk went without a hitch and I even chased him around in circles for awhile, playing. When we came back in, she said she was not going to stay another night that she could see he was in good hands; she would go home and get ready to fly to California.
Rocky did fine after she was gone. I took over for Janice just fine.
Rocky followed me everywhere, exactly the way he did Janice. Everything fell right into place as I had planned. Something I haven't told you was that Rocky does NOT eat dog food. He eats Oscar Mayer sandwich meats: ham, turkey, chicken. He also eats Hormel roast beef, shaved, not sliced. He now eats Beneful stews, thanks to us. Not quite a normal dog, but a little closer. The other thing he does is drinks milk, 2% several times a day. Before Rocky eats or drinks anything he takes his nose and acts like he his covering his food up. He goes around all sides of the dish or bowl and then he eats and/or drinks. He has his own ritual. Fun to watch unless you want him to eat a balanced meal so he will poop on schedule.
There was some old woman that was always in the lobby when we were. Janice had introduced us to her when we first arrived. Everytime Rocky and I would exit the elevator she would say come here Rocky and he would back into the elevator or get under my feet or take off when the automatic front doors would open. I finally told her she was going to have to quit speaking to him because I thought her voice was scaring him. Hell, it was scaring me. I could tell she was a smoker and a sun lover and she was dripping in jewels. Rocky was not impressed. I had this fear of stepping on that little dog and his guts spilling out everywhere. He is so tiny and he would never walk beside or in front of me. I was constantly turning and spinning in the lobby or on the beach or sidewalk. People probably thought I was a crack head. You know they have all kinds of quirks like that. I felt like I was spinning that whole week. He was very quick too.
For some reason I started calling the dog Wocky. A family member had a speech impediment and could not say his "R"s -- and you know by now that I never pass up an opportunity to poke fun. So when time came to come up with a title, I looked at Judy propped up on the bed and said what should this title be and her reply was Walking Wocky. My God, Perfect. I called him Wocky Woo, Gwanny's Wocky, Wookie Wocky, and probably anything you all can imagine. Judy said he probably thinks that he is in a mental institute here with us. I danced with him in my arms and sang right along with the music. I actually think he enjoyed the dancing, and especially, my leading, because it took a lot of responsibility off of him, especially since he is such a shy male.
I told Janice that I had seen a coupon at Bed, Bath and Beyond for Doggie Car Seats. Is that cute or what. I told her the price was $29.99. I thought it would be cute to get Rocky one. She said that a friend of hers had one for her dog and it was a Cadillac car seat and even had a Cadillac emblem on the front. Well, EXCUSEEEEEEEEEE ME. She said, here is some money just get him one. Of coure, Bed, Bath and Beyond at Myrtle Beach didn't have any and did not even carry pet supplies. Off we went to find a Pet Smart. Carried BooBoo in with us and he was a wreck when the other dogs were coming around and sniffing us and barking and jumping. So sad he cannot have fun. Judy found the seats. Pet Smart had 2 different kind of seats. Cheap for $29.99 and less cheap for $49.99 lined with lamb's wool. She helped me decide to let Janice buy the $189 Cadillac seat and that Judy would buy the cheap onen for Jake, her poodle grandson that she would be babysitting when we returned home. So in the meantime, Rocky could use the cheap seat. He took to the cheap seat very well. The funny thing about that was it only works on a bucket seat. Judy thought it would work on back seats --- WRONG! She said she would be damned if she was riding in the back seat and the dog riding in the front. That problem was quickly rectified. Dog seat taken out, replaced by dog bed. Perfect.
Well let's move away from Wocky now. This is a subject matter that Judy has had a lot of fun with, of course, it deals with MY PAIN. Last year while at the beach we notice that the nail salon did individual eyelashes (both eyes, full set for $35). Damn, sounded like a deal to us. REMEMBER THAT SAYING: IF IT SOUNDS TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE, IT PROBABLY IS. TRUST ME, THIS WAS ONE OF THOSE DEALS. As usual we were short on cash and decided maybe next time we would do it. Since this was "next time" I went for it. Judy decided to wait and see how mine turned out. So if I didn't loose my vision or have all my eyelashes ripped out by the roots, she might consider. She decided to babysit Wocky. That was good because I was vewy tiwed of baby sitting. I walked into the Salon spoke with the first person who spoke English and signed up. I was taken into a small room with a blanket covering a cot. I know it was a cot because the metal "wads" (rods) were killwing my back. I did make the gal change the cover on the pillow. Who knew what or who had been there before me or what they had done on it??? GAWDDDDDDDDDD
Once I was settled on the "wads" I was shown two cases of eyelashes. There were about 8-10 lashes glued together in a group. The lashes looked like small spiders. I was then asked if I wanted small or long. Well first of all, I always "upgrade" (as my daughter says). So I told her I wanted long. So the girl held my face towards her and told me to be very still (hahaha). Once I saw the dagger-like tweezers I decided I would try my damndest not to cough or sneeze or jump. Let the "torture" begin. First of all, should you or anyone you know decide to have this procedure done: ASK WHETHER THEY PUT THE EYELASHES ON TOP OF YOUR REAL EYELASHES OR UNDERNEATH YOUR LASHES. IT IS VERY, VERY, IMPORTANT TO KNOW THAT. Otherwise, you will pray for waterboarding instead.
As I held my eye WIDE OPEN with everything I had, the girl took the spider with 8-10 legs, covered it's ass with BLACK glue and stuck it to the bottom of my top eyelid. My eyelid fluttered like a butterfly and cried like a baby. I had no idea my eye was crying tears until they ran into my ear. Then the pain hit me and I screamed. The girl said I-yi-yi, I-yi-yi. I said you sound like Lucille Ball on I Love Lucy. She then told me I was making too much noise and moving. She reminded me not to move because it was dangerous. Ok, now I will admit that I must be an idiot since I did not leave after that first eyelashes were glued on and go home and Wock Wocky. I tried to blow like I see women do in labor on TV. Then she picked up more black spiders and I held vewy still. OH JESUS, it happened again, fluttering and tears -- no screaming. I finally said I need to see a mirror, this doesn't seem right. She wanted to know why I said that. I told her I wanted a mirror. HOLY SHIT. I had BLACK TARANTULAS UP TO MY EYEBROWS. THE BLACK GLUE HOLDING THEM ON WAS EVEN WORSE. I could not stop looking nor would my eye quit crying on its own. I said get them off, they are too long and hideous. That is when she told me that it was my fault and I chose them. I said you were right, GET THEM OFF. She asked if I wanted to try smaller. I thought about that and reasoned that smaller probably wasn't as bad. STUPID, STUPID, STUPID.
The work started with the smaller lashes and it was just as bad, if not worse. I wanted to scream but I wanted to have nice, thick lashes. By the time I got out of there my eyes hurt so fucking bad that I didn't want to blink. I am still not sure if it was the BLACK GLUE or the SPIDER LEGS that were STICKING THE SHIT OUT OF ME. Maybe they were made from horse hair or pubic hair? I could not stop myself from squinting and squeezing my eyes together. I know if someone had seen me they would have thought I had Turretts Syndrome and there was no help for me. A Dr. would not make a human being go out in public squeezing their face up like that. By the time I got home to Wocky and Judy I had double vision. Judy could not quit looking at. She really did not even laugh. Had it been me, looking at her, I would have fallen off the couch screaming and laughing. The sad part is that neither of us thought to take a picture. Had we taken a picture and put it on this blog, you would not have believed that I would have left the store looking like that. Several people asked to see them as I walked out of the Salon. I guess they heard me while I was in that little room and wanted to see how bad it looked. Nobody said JESUS, what did they do to you...or are you going to sue or are you going to pay for that?
I was told that I had to be very careful and not get those lashes wet. They would only last 2 weeks. I had a whole week to play in the pool. WTF.
Don't even get your lashes wet in shower, wash face vewy cafuwy. What a waste of $35 that was gonna be. I thought if they come off in the pool kids are gonna scream "there are spiders in the pool," mammmmmmma. HAHAHA
That night before taking Wocky for his evening Constitutional on the beach, I tried to pull some of the lashes off and brought more tears. How could I find him in the sea oats, or find his poop, I was blind and it hurt to squint. Then I slathered cold cream all over one eye and all that did was get the grease in my eye and made it water again and BURN. Wocky was prancing by the time we got outside and it was 9:30 p.m. Hopefully nobody would try to attack, rape or kidnap me while I was blinded and they would be afraid of catching whatever I had wrong with my eyes. After the walk I tucked Wocky in and got in the shower and held my face as close to the shower head as possible with hot water pounded my swollen, red eyelids. Don't forget that you cannot get those SUCKERS wet... RIGHTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT. The next morning there was one tarantula on my pillow and when I picked it up WOCKY was frightened (not really). We haul out of bed, go scald my eyelids again and another tarantula obviously fell into the washcloth and when it fell into the sink it did scare me because I did think it was a small spider. I had to laugh at myself.
Judy said that she could not believe that I slept at all or that poor Rocky did either. Between the pain from the tarantulas and my talking. She said that she was walking to her room one night and heard me talking and was talking back to me before she realized that I was not talking to her at all. Seems I talk and answer myself too.
Once Rocky and I returned from our morning walk on the beach, I put hot cloths on my eyes again, Judy took care of Rocky and I high-tailed it back to the Nail Salon. Just my luck, same girl was still there. She was busy with a pedicure so I got a manicure while I waited (what is a little more pain by someone new). When Eyelash Torturer is finished she is told in another language probably something like "fat bitch that screamed yesterday now wants lashes off". So she comes over while another is doing my nails and said "what's wrong". I told her they were ugly and hurt like hell and to get them off. She goes to the torture chamber, gets acid, while another technician files my nails; the eyelid technician puts glue remover on my eyelids that I have already SKINNED and not only does it set me on fire, but it runs down into my eyes and I start SCREAMING that I needed a wet paper towel. Someone handed me a paper towel and I threw it in the floor and said I could not see and I need a COOL WET TOWEL. THEN I HAD ABOUT 15 at once. That did help the burning but I honestly thought I would be blind and that it was ACID or NAIL POLISH REMOVER. Judy thought it would be a great lawsuit -- but only if I was truly blind. Before this paragraph ends -- the removal was almost as painful as having the lashes put on, because alot of my real lashes went with the tarantulas, she had to pick the glue off with the scapel tweezers and got more skin than glue. Funny thing they all wanted to HUG ME goodbye (lawsuit??? -- think they were afraid?)
As usual while we are at Myrtle Beach we went to Sticky Fingers for barbecue and ribs. Judy likes to order a SLAB. She does eat the ribs, but I think she just likes to say the word "SLAB". It sounds so dirty, when I type it.
One day we took Rocky to the Barc Parc (how clever is that name). Very new dog park that we found last year. Oh God, I absolutely loved it. Dogs are separated into two sizes - and if they reach the marker height on the fence they go in the medium to big size and the others are little to cocker spaniel size. I wanted to introduce Rocky because we knew he had never been to something like that. Hell, I was more excited that he or the other dogs when we got there, I even wanted to go pee on a tree or something. So I am encouraging him and telling him how much fun he is going to have and he is shivering and shaking. Judy and I get out of the car and I carried him in. The dogs on both sides are like Walmart Greeters. They run to the damned fence and jump and bark and grin and wag their tails, it is a sight to behold. I know the big dogs were so very sad that we didn't come into their side, cause we do look like a fun group at first glance. As we went in the park, those little bastards were yipping and peeing and trying to trip us. I set Rocky down and immediately, everyone wanted to smell his ass. WTF is that all about? He stood there and tolerated it for a few minutes, looked at me so pitiful as though I was dropping him off at the SPCA and then he took off sniffing the ground and peeing as he ran. He was very vulnerable with his tail up in the air, I was concerned. I didn't want him to be the weird kid so I take off running and and whooping and he stopped sniffing and peeing and ran and the other dogs were wondering if we were having more fun they we should be -- some checked us out and some didn't care. I saw a beautiful big dog on the other side of the fence smiling at the other dogs and wishing he could play and as I walked up to rub him, some snortin and snottin Boston Terrier tried to eat the big old smilin Sheperd up. Smiley just looked at SNORT HEAD in amazement. Smiley's owner said he loved to play and he was just taking a break. He looked like a nice dog too. After SNORT HEAD found something else to do Rocky checked out Smiley for a moment and looked at me with his big brown eyes begging to go home. So we did. I know he had fun.
One evening we were coming from Pet Smart and Judy let me out so Rocky could pee. The parking lot was crowded due to paving and she was gonna have to search for a place to park. Rocky and I walked down the sidewalk to the beach and Rocky started barking at something rather than doing his "bizness". A older man with a "shit-sue" was walking towards us with a purpose. His dog was in a camoflauge jacket and on a leash. Rocky was in his favorite blue and green shamrock sweater sans leash. The man and dog stopped and the man said something and I asked him to repeat himself. He did, telling me there was a leash law. Smart ass that I am, I said it's not my dog. (I was so tickled with myself) He just looked at me in disbelief and I pretended I didn't notice. He asked if I lived at Myrtle Beach and I told him no and that I was a dog sitter from VA. That didn't seem to phase him that either I was REAL GOOD or my employer was REAL RICH. So that was enough for him to start running his mouth though. Did I care that he had "LOST HIS WIFE"; NEXT TIME -- SO HELP ME GOD, I AM GOING TO SAY "WHERE DO YOU THINK YOU LOST HER". THEN...... not only was his wife dead, they had been married 38 WONDERFUL (sure) years. THEN...... he held up his fat left hand and told me he never took his wedding ring off. His finger was so damned fat, there was no way to get it off without a chainsaw. He proceeded to tell me that just like his Mother, he had never and would never take his wedding ring off. Then he looked at my hand. There was a ring on it but not a wedding ring. He had to ask if I was married. I said yes I am married and I have a wedding ring but I don't wear it. What does it prove? Men and women can slip them off and on at will. He changed the subject. He and his wife had been coming to Myrtle Beach since 1983 and they lived in Vermont, he was originally from New York. Judy says I make people want to talk to me or I ask them too many personal questions. I was taking Rocky to pee not going socializing. Then the widower said he had been coming to the Beach looking for companionship, boy did my eyes pop out on my cheeks. He said, oh no, not what you think..... Some of these women on the beach are looking for men and will spread their legs and he opened his arms up and shut them, for any man. I said if you are a good Christian man, as you told me a minute ago, maybe you will be able to find a nice Christian woman in your church. He said well I do have a nice lady I am seeing. She is my wife's "best friend" and we go out to eat and to movies. Hmmmmm, I found it strange she wasn't at the beach? I said Good Luck to you and kept walking. He was staying at a semi-dump right beside our condo (that is one of the few places that will allow pets tho). Oh, his SHIT-SUE's name was Billy Boy.
I have no idea where all the kids came from the week we were at the beach. There was a building full of them when we arrived on that Wednesday evening and they left on Sunday and a brand new batch came in on Sunday and left the following Sunday when we did. Is there no rest for the weary. I told Judy the 2nd week was nothing but 2-6 yr olds. That would have been the perfect time for those damned eyelashes to have come off into the pool and emptied the pool of all children.
We did not sit on the beach one time. Judy did not go to the beach at all. She sat out on the balcony if she needed to hear or see the sun or the ocean. From the 16th floor you can see anything or anywhere. The beach was crowded the whole time we were there and there were even fools in the water. Weather channel posted water temperature as 55 degrees.
On Sunday, as planned, we left Rocky with his Mamma and headed to
Durham, N.C. to meet Judy's sister Janis. Janis has had some bone problems in her foot and she was going to Duke for a second opinion.
On Saturday night, before leaving Myrtle Beach and while I am in bed, Judy comes in with a damned road map in her hand and wants to talk to me about the best route. I should have known better and now I do. She rambled on and on and on and on and then said well, if we try to go up I-95 on a Sunday and everyone is trying to get home from the beach it will be a nightmare and the trucks and idiots, yadda, yadda, yadda and I said you are right. WRONGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG. You have traveled with us before, you know she likes 1, 2, and 3 lane roads. Jesus what was I thinking.
We left Myrtle Beach with no problems, and I asked what road or exit we would take after we got out of Town. She started spouting off numbers and I asked if she hadn't written these directions down? She did. I asked where it was? She told me where to look in her purse. Hmmmmm, I looked all thru that damned purse. Never found it. Then she had me look one other place, not there either. Then I bitched for 10 minutes. But she did seem to remember the route nunmbers and we had great roads for quite a distance. You must remember it is SUNDAY and OLD PEOPLE GET OUT ON SUNDAY. About an hour and a half into the drive we hit the two lane roads and it is 1:30 and Judy is trying to make speed in a 45 mph zone. OH OH OH -- FLASH -- Judy cannot see. Right, she cannot see. But I am supposed to be quiet when I think she is too close or is not slowing down as quickly as I think she should be. One time she is flying down the road and pulls up behind a car in the passing lane and I thought our hood ornament was gonna mate with their trunk key slot and I screamed. She was well aware..... I told her I thought she was in a coma. Shame we didn't have the flip this trip. We finally have to get gas in the Caddy (that means stopping - Thank you Jesus) and we stretch our legs and we are both hoping the roads will improve. HA HA HA HA For some reason, the Gods are still angry with us. We fill the tank up and off we go on two and three lane roads and most speed limits are 45 mph. Some crazy bitch in front of us in a van is in a big hurry, she starts passing on double lines and we watched her do it for miles. She didn't get caught or killed. You drive behind people going 20-30 mph for so long and then you see a 5 broken lines and you loose your mind. That happened to Judy several times. I got so tickled I told her I thought within 30 minutes of gassing the car she had probably used the full tank. I was stomping my gas pedal along with her rather than putting my brake pedal thru the engine.
I think it took us 6 hours to make it from Myrtle Beach, S.C. to Durham, N.C. Judy's sister, Janis called several times to make sure we were ok, she couldn't imagine what was taking us so long. Little did she know. We arrived at our hotel and Judy went inside to check us in. She left me outside in the car under the carport. I look around and beside me are some really cute college age guys. One in particular winks and waves at me. Hell, I perk right up. Immediately I rolled the window down and asked if they were Tech students. He said NO, I said why the hell did you wave at me then. He said, Oh, just being friendly. Judy's car is covered with VT decals -- so I had ASS-U-ME-D. I asked if he and his friends were students and sure enough, they were. They were Dartmouth LaCrosse players. They had been beaten by N.C. the day before and the next day they were to play Duke. I wished them luck and they hopped on a van and headed out to dinner and they all waved. Hmmmm, I still got it.(We all know they are taught to respect their elders)
Judy and I unpacked and headed up to our room and Janis is right next door. Her cousin, Terry had driven to Durham with her to entertain her and keep her company. Terry is so much fun and has a grest sense of humor. Everyone loves him. We chatted and sipped some tea and decided to try the Pomodora Italian Restaurant right across the street for dinner. Street was very busy 5 lane highway and Judy and I opted to drive the big Caddy over. The youngsters walked. We drove over and parked in the handicap zone and hobbled in to eat. OMG what a wonderful fragrance. Oregano, garlic, yeast bread... Everything on the menu looked wonderful and I wanted one of everything. I also get grouchy when I am hungry and at other times too. We ordered and our waiter brought our salads and then brought a basket of bread -- you will not believe it. He brought 2 fat, hot rolls. That was it. TWO DAMNED ROLLS. He was gone before I could say what the hell...... I know it was 20 minutes before the asshole returned. We were out of water, wine, and tea. I was really pissed. The next waitress I saw I asked if she could see if someone could bring us more bread. Well, asshole got the message, but returned "breadless". He asked if there was a problem. I told him there clearly was a problem....there were 4 of us and two rolls and we would like 2 more. He turned on his heel and as he walked away we ALL heard him say BITCH. Who cared, not me, I was hungry and wanted another roll. We got the roll and he didn't have the balls to say it to my face or anyone else's. Little balless wonder. Not only that, but Judy and I went back the next night too. Pity, he didn't wait on us, DAMNIT. I was so looking forward to harassing the little shit again.
Judy bed/chair hops. She does not like to sleep in a bed. It messes her hair up. She prefers to sleep in her recliner. Now in the condo she had a choice of two recliners and a huge couch. I found her in each of them at different times. Also, she does not snore and I snore loud enough (when I am not talking) to wake the dead. I think Judy uses the excuse not to sleep in the bedroom so she can hear me when I sneak in the kitchen in the middle of the night for a snack. She told me one morning after I had gotten up to find a bag of Ginger Snaps that we had had a mouse the night before. Hell, I nearly jumped up on the cabinet. I asked how she knew and if she saw it. She informed me that she saw it and heard it when it got the Ginger Snaps out of the cabinet and ate some. God, we laughed so hard over that. I like to hide my food, usually I can't find something like that in the middle of the night.
One thing I do want to tell you about Judy and recliners. When I think about it I nearly wet my pants. In her family room she has two recliners and a table separates them. Her chair sits almost against the wall beside her sliding glass doors that lead out onto her deck. Sometime during the night, while sleeping in her chair, leaned way back in her chair and her chair tipped over backwards. So her back, shoulders and head are against the wall and her ass, and legs are in the back and seat of the chair and stuck up in the air. She is pretty much wedged in good. When she told me this story I could just see the picture of her in that position and stuck. I must have cried for 10 minutes. She finally scooted and pushed her way out until she was able to free herself and get up and dust herself off and cuss and laugh and go back to sleep. That story was beggin to be told and this was just as good a place as any.
Well since I have written the blog you know we made it home safely.
Judy called today and said she was planning our trip to Montana. HURRAH! We are trying to figure out which CD's we will cash. I knew my husband was eavsdropping and I said I am not sure where I will take my travel money from. I then said Oh Damn, I think I just heard his head hit the floor. We both had a great belly laugh out of that. He is already sick knowing that landscapers will be here soon and spending money makes him ill.
Well I hope you enjoyed this little trip. We didn't do a whole lot but we did laugh alot. Can you imagine the stories that will come out of our trip out West? OMG.
Happy Trails
I could hardly wait to get that damned bleach out of my hair and call Judy. She knew she had some commitment in March and it finally dawned on her that on the 22nd of March she had to meet her sister at Duke University Hospital for a consultation. Perfect timing. Our friends returned on the 20th. HOT DAMN -- we love it when a plan comes together.
The Dog, Rocky, is a rat terrier and I don't care what anyone else says. He is not a Jack Russell and he is not a Chihuahua. He is a RAT TERRIER. He also should have been named Barney Fife. We were told when we were first introduced to Rocky that he was an abused dog. Janice had adopted him from the Security Guard, Jack, who worked at the Regency. Janice had other dogs had home, so what was one more. Rocky had not let me or Judy get very close to him in the past. We could rub an ear, touch him as he ran by, but that was about it.
We arrived in S.C. on Thursday to get acquainted with Rocky. Of course, Rocky was a wreck and never let Janice out of his sight the whole time we were there. He knew something was up, dogs are smart. Judy and I both felt so sorry for him. Being left alone with two women that he had no damned idea who they were. He kept his tail tucked as he ran around us, soooo sad. That Thursday night, we had dinner and Janis decided that
I would sleep in the Master Bedroom where she and Rocky usually slept. He had a cute set of wood steps that he ran up and down to get on the king sized bed. I slept in the Master Suite all alone, Janice and Rocky across the hall and Judy in the 3rd bedroom. The next morning, Janice and I had coffee and I told her I would like to take him out to do his business. She agreed that would be a good idea and she would watch from the balcony. The walk went without a hitch and I even chased him around in circles for awhile, playing. When we came back in, she said she was not going to stay another night that she could see he was in good hands; she would go home and get ready to fly to California.
Rocky did fine after she was gone. I took over for Janice just fine.
Rocky followed me everywhere, exactly the way he did Janice. Everything fell right into place as I had planned. Something I haven't told you was that Rocky does NOT eat dog food. He eats Oscar Mayer sandwich meats: ham, turkey, chicken. He also eats Hormel roast beef, shaved, not sliced. He now eats Beneful stews, thanks to us. Not quite a normal dog, but a little closer. The other thing he does is drinks milk, 2% several times a day. Before Rocky eats or drinks anything he takes his nose and acts like he his covering his food up. He goes around all sides of the dish or bowl and then he eats and/or drinks. He has his own ritual. Fun to watch unless you want him to eat a balanced meal so he will poop on schedule.
There was some old woman that was always in the lobby when we were. Janice had introduced us to her when we first arrived. Everytime Rocky and I would exit the elevator she would say come here Rocky and he would back into the elevator or get under my feet or take off when the automatic front doors would open. I finally told her she was going to have to quit speaking to him because I thought her voice was scaring him. Hell, it was scaring me. I could tell she was a smoker and a sun lover and she was dripping in jewels. Rocky was not impressed. I had this fear of stepping on that little dog and his guts spilling out everywhere. He is so tiny and he would never walk beside or in front of me. I was constantly turning and spinning in the lobby or on the beach or sidewalk. People probably thought I was a crack head. You know they have all kinds of quirks like that. I felt like I was spinning that whole week. He was very quick too.
For some reason I started calling the dog Wocky. A family member had a speech impediment and could not say his "R"s -- and you know by now that I never pass up an opportunity to poke fun. So when time came to come up with a title, I looked at Judy propped up on the bed and said what should this title be and her reply was Walking Wocky. My God, Perfect. I called him Wocky Woo, Gwanny's Wocky, Wookie Wocky, and probably anything you all can imagine. Judy said he probably thinks that he is in a mental institute here with us. I danced with him in my arms and sang right along with the music. I actually think he enjoyed the dancing, and especially, my leading, because it took a lot of responsibility off of him, especially since he is such a shy male.
I told Janice that I had seen a coupon at Bed, Bath and Beyond for Doggie Car Seats. Is that cute or what. I told her the price was $29.99. I thought it would be cute to get Rocky one. She said that a friend of hers had one for her dog and it was a Cadillac car seat and even had a Cadillac emblem on the front. Well, EXCUSEEEEEEEEEE ME. She said, here is some money just get him one. Of coure, Bed, Bath and Beyond at Myrtle Beach didn't have any and did not even carry pet supplies. Off we went to find a Pet Smart. Carried BooBoo in with us and he was a wreck when the other dogs were coming around and sniffing us and barking and jumping. So sad he cannot have fun. Judy found the seats. Pet Smart had 2 different kind of seats. Cheap for $29.99 and less cheap for $49.99 lined with lamb's wool. She helped me decide to let Janice buy the $189 Cadillac seat and that Judy would buy the cheap onen for Jake, her poodle grandson that she would be babysitting when we returned home. So in the meantime, Rocky could use the cheap seat. He took to the cheap seat very well. The funny thing about that was it only works on a bucket seat. Judy thought it would work on back seats --- WRONG! She said she would be damned if she was riding in the back seat and the dog riding in the front. That problem was quickly rectified. Dog seat taken out, replaced by dog bed. Perfect.
Well let's move away from Wocky now. This is a subject matter that Judy has had a lot of fun with, of course, it deals with MY PAIN. Last year while at the beach we notice that the nail salon did individual eyelashes (both eyes, full set for $35). Damn, sounded like a deal to us. REMEMBER THAT SAYING: IF IT SOUNDS TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE, IT PROBABLY IS. TRUST ME, THIS WAS ONE OF THOSE DEALS. As usual we were short on cash and decided maybe next time we would do it. Since this was "next time" I went for it. Judy decided to wait and see how mine turned out. So if I didn't loose my vision or have all my eyelashes ripped out by the roots, she might consider. She decided to babysit Wocky. That was good because I was vewy tiwed of baby sitting. I walked into the Salon spoke with the first person who spoke English and signed up. I was taken into a small room with a blanket covering a cot. I know it was a cot because the metal "wads" (rods) were killwing my back. I did make the gal change the cover on the pillow. Who knew what or who had been there before me or what they had done on it??? GAWDDDDDDDDDD
Once I was settled on the "wads" I was shown two cases of eyelashes. There were about 8-10 lashes glued together in a group. The lashes looked like small spiders. I was then asked if I wanted small or long. Well first of all, I always "upgrade" (as my daughter says). So I told her I wanted long. So the girl held my face towards her and told me to be very still (hahaha). Once I saw the dagger-like tweezers I decided I would try my damndest not to cough or sneeze or jump. Let the "torture" begin. First of all, should you or anyone you know decide to have this procedure done: ASK WHETHER THEY PUT THE EYELASHES ON TOP OF YOUR REAL EYELASHES OR UNDERNEATH YOUR LASHES. IT IS VERY, VERY, IMPORTANT TO KNOW THAT. Otherwise, you will pray for waterboarding instead.
As I held my eye WIDE OPEN with everything I had, the girl took the spider with 8-10 legs, covered it's ass with BLACK glue and stuck it to the bottom of my top eyelid. My eyelid fluttered like a butterfly and cried like a baby. I had no idea my eye was crying tears until they ran into my ear. Then the pain hit me and I screamed. The girl said I-yi-yi, I-yi-yi. I said you sound like Lucille Ball on I Love Lucy. She then told me I was making too much noise and moving. She reminded me not to move because it was dangerous. Ok, now I will admit that I must be an idiot since I did not leave after that first eyelashes were glued on and go home and Wock Wocky. I tried to blow like I see women do in labor on TV. Then she picked up more black spiders and I held vewy still. OH JESUS, it happened again, fluttering and tears -- no screaming. I finally said I need to see a mirror, this doesn't seem right. She wanted to know why I said that. I told her I wanted a mirror. HOLY SHIT. I had BLACK TARANTULAS UP TO MY EYEBROWS. THE BLACK GLUE HOLDING THEM ON WAS EVEN WORSE. I could not stop looking nor would my eye quit crying on its own. I said get them off, they are too long and hideous. That is when she told me that it was my fault and I chose them. I said you were right, GET THEM OFF. She asked if I wanted to try smaller. I thought about that and reasoned that smaller probably wasn't as bad. STUPID, STUPID, STUPID.
The work started with the smaller lashes and it was just as bad, if not worse. I wanted to scream but I wanted to have nice, thick lashes. By the time I got out of there my eyes hurt so fucking bad that I didn't want to blink. I am still not sure if it was the BLACK GLUE or the SPIDER LEGS that were STICKING THE SHIT OUT OF ME. Maybe they were made from horse hair or pubic hair? I could not stop myself from squinting and squeezing my eyes together. I know if someone had seen me they would have thought I had Turretts Syndrome and there was no help for me. A Dr. would not make a human being go out in public squeezing their face up like that. By the time I got home to Wocky and Judy I had double vision. Judy could not quit looking at. She really did not even laugh. Had it been me, looking at her, I would have fallen off the couch screaming and laughing. The sad part is that neither of us thought to take a picture. Had we taken a picture and put it on this blog, you would not have believed that I would have left the store looking like that. Several people asked to see them as I walked out of the Salon. I guess they heard me while I was in that little room and wanted to see how bad it looked. Nobody said JESUS, what did they do to you...or are you going to sue or are you going to pay for that?
I was told that I had to be very careful and not get those lashes wet. They would only last 2 weeks. I had a whole week to play in the pool. WTF.
Don't even get your lashes wet in shower, wash face vewy cafuwy. What a waste of $35 that was gonna be. I thought if they come off in the pool kids are gonna scream "there are spiders in the pool," mammmmmmma. HAHAHA
That night before taking Wocky for his evening Constitutional on the beach, I tried to pull some of the lashes off and brought more tears. How could I find him in the sea oats, or find his poop, I was blind and it hurt to squint. Then I slathered cold cream all over one eye and all that did was get the grease in my eye and made it water again and BURN. Wocky was prancing by the time we got outside and it was 9:30 p.m. Hopefully nobody would try to attack, rape or kidnap me while I was blinded and they would be afraid of catching whatever I had wrong with my eyes. After the walk I tucked Wocky in and got in the shower and held my face as close to the shower head as possible with hot water pounded my swollen, red eyelids. Don't forget that you cannot get those SUCKERS wet... RIGHTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT. The next morning there was one tarantula on my pillow and when I picked it up WOCKY was frightened (not really). We haul out of bed, go scald my eyelids again and another tarantula obviously fell into the washcloth and when it fell into the sink it did scare me because I did think it was a small spider. I had to laugh at myself.
Judy said that she could not believe that I slept at all or that poor Rocky did either. Between the pain from the tarantulas and my talking. She said that she was walking to her room one night and heard me talking and was talking back to me before she realized that I was not talking to her at all. Seems I talk and answer myself too.
Once Rocky and I returned from our morning walk on the beach, I put hot cloths on my eyes again, Judy took care of Rocky and I high-tailed it back to the Nail Salon. Just my luck, same girl was still there. She was busy with a pedicure so I got a manicure while I waited (what is a little more pain by someone new). When Eyelash Torturer is finished she is told in another language probably something like "fat bitch that screamed yesterday now wants lashes off". So she comes over while another is doing my nails and said "what's wrong". I told her they were ugly and hurt like hell and to get them off. She goes to the torture chamber, gets acid, while another technician files my nails; the eyelid technician puts glue remover on my eyelids that I have already SKINNED and not only does it set me on fire, but it runs down into my eyes and I start SCREAMING that I needed a wet paper towel. Someone handed me a paper towel and I threw it in the floor and said I could not see and I need a COOL WET TOWEL. THEN I HAD ABOUT 15 at once. That did help the burning but I honestly thought I would be blind and that it was ACID or NAIL POLISH REMOVER. Judy thought it would be a great lawsuit -- but only if I was truly blind. Before this paragraph ends -- the removal was almost as painful as having the lashes put on, because alot of my real lashes went with the tarantulas, she had to pick the glue off with the scapel tweezers and got more skin than glue. Funny thing they all wanted to HUG ME goodbye (lawsuit??? -- think they were afraid?)
As usual while we are at Myrtle Beach we went to Sticky Fingers for barbecue and ribs. Judy likes to order a SLAB. She does eat the ribs, but I think she just likes to say the word "SLAB". It sounds so dirty, when I type it.
One day we took Rocky to the Barc Parc (how clever is that name). Very new dog park that we found last year. Oh God, I absolutely loved it. Dogs are separated into two sizes - and if they reach the marker height on the fence they go in the medium to big size and the others are little to cocker spaniel size. I wanted to introduce Rocky because we knew he had never been to something like that. Hell, I was more excited that he or the other dogs when we got there, I even wanted to go pee on a tree or something. So I am encouraging him and telling him how much fun he is going to have and he is shivering and shaking. Judy and I get out of the car and I carried him in. The dogs on both sides are like Walmart Greeters. They run to the damned fence and jump and bark and grin and wag their tails, it is a sight to behold. I know the big dogs were so very sad that we didn't come into their side, cause we do look like a fun group at first glance. As we went in the park, those little bastards were yipping and peeing and trying to trip us. I set Rocky down and immediately, everyone wanted to smell his ass. WTF is that all about? He stood there and tolerated it for a few minutes, looked at me so pitiful as though I was dropping him off at the SPCA and then he took off sniffing the ground and peeing as he ran. He was very vulnerable with his tail up in the air, I was concerned. I didn't want him to be the weird kid so I take off running and and whooping and he stopped sniffing and peeing and ran and the other dogs were wondering if we were having more fun they we should be -- some checked us out and some didn't care. I saw a beautiful big dog on the other side of the fence smiling at the other dogs and wishing he could play and as I walked up to rub him, some snortin and snottin Boston Terrier tried to eat the big old smilin Sheperd up. Smiley just looked at SNORT HEAD in amazement. Smiley's owner said he loved to play and he was just taking a break. He looked like a nice dog too. After SNORT HEAD found something else to do Rocky checked out Smiley for a moment and looked at me with his big brown eyes begging to go home. So we did. I know he had fun.
One evening we were coming from Pet Smart and Judy let me out so Rocky could pee. The parking lot was crowded due to paving and she was gonna have to search for a place to park. Rocky and I walked down the sidewalk to the beach and Rocky started barking at something rather than doing his "bizness". A older man with a "shit-sue" was walking towards us with a purpose. His dog was in a camoflauge jacket and on a leash. Rocky was in his favorite blue and green shamrock sweater sans leash. The man and dog stopped and the man said something and I asked him to repeat himself. He did, telling me there was a leash law. Smart ass that I am, I said it's not my dog. (I was so tickled with myself) He just looked at me in disbelief and I pretended I didn't notice. He asked if I lived at Myrtle Beach and I told him no and that I was a dog sitter from VA. That didn't seem to phase him that either I was REAL GOOD or my employer was REAL RICH. So that was enough for him to start running his mouth though. Did I care that he had "LOST HIS WIFE"; NEXT TIME -- SO HELP ME GOD, I AM GOING TO SAY "WHERE DO YOU THINK YOU LOST HER". THEN...... not only was his wife dead, they had been married 38 WONDERFUL (sure) years. THEN...... he held up his fat left hand and told me he never took his wedding ring off. His finger was so damned fat, there was no way to get it off without a chainsaw. He proceeded to tell me that just like his Mother, he had never and would never take his wedding ring off. Then he looked at my hand. There was a ring on it but not a wedding ring. He had to ask if I was married. I said yes I am married and I have a wedding ring but I don't wear it. What does it prove? Men and women can slip them off and on at will. He changed the subject. He and his wife had been coming to Myrtle Beach since 1983 and they lived in Vermont, he was originally from New York. Judy says I make people want to talk to me or I ask them too many personal questions. I was taking Rocky to pee not going socializing. Then the widower said he had been coming to the Beach looking for companionship, boy did my eyes pop out on my cheeks. He said, oh no, not what you think..... Some of these women on the beach are looking for men and will spread their legs and he opened his arms up and shut them, for any man. I said if you are a good Christian man, as you told me a minute ago, maybe you will be able to find a nice Christian woman in your church. He said well I do have a nice lady I am seeing. She is my wife's "best friend" and we go out to eat and to movies. Hmmmmm, I found it strange she wasn't at the beach? I said Good Luck to you and kept walking. He was staying at a semi-dump right beside our condo (that is one of the few places that will allow pets tho). Oh, his SHIT-SUE's name was Billy Boy.
I have no idea where all the kids came from the week we were at the beach. There was a building full of them when we arrived on that Wednesday evening and they left on Sunday and a brand new batch came in on Sunday and left the following Sunday when we did. Is there no rest for the weary. I told Judy the 2nd week was nothing but 2-6 yr olds. That would have been the perfect time for those damned eyelashes to have come off into the pool and emptied the pool of all children.
We did not sit on the beach one time. Judy did not go to the beach at all. She sat out on the balcony if she needed to hear or see the sun or the ocean. From the 16th floor you can see anything or anywhere. The beach was crowded the whole time we were there and there were even fools in the water. Weather channel posted water temperature as 55 degrees.
On Sunday, as planned, we left Rocky with his Mamma and headed to
Durham, N.C. to meet Judy's sister Janis. Janis has had some bone problems in her foot and she was going to Duke for a second opinion.
On Saturday night, before leaving Myrtle Beach and while I am in bed, Judy comes in with a damned road map in her hand and wants to talk to me about the best route. I should have known better and now I do. She rambled on and on and on and on and then said well, if we try to go up I-95 on a Sunday and everyone is trying to get home from the beach it will be a nightmare and the trucks and idiots, yadda, yadda, yadda and I said you are right. WRONGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG. You have traveled with us before, you know she likes 1, 2, and 3 lane roads. Jesus what was I thinking.
We left Myrtle Beach with no problems, and I asked what road or exit we would take after we got out of Town. She started spouting off numbers and I asked if she hadn't written these directions down? She did. I asked where it was? She told me where to look in her purse. Hmmmmm, I looked all thru that damned purse. Never found it. Then she had me look one other place, not there either. Then I bitched for 10 minutes. But she did seem to remember the route nunmbers and we had great roads for quite a distance. You must remember it is SUNDAY and OLD PEOPLE GET OUT ON SUNDAY. About an hour and a half into the drive we hit the two lane roads and it is 1:30 and Judy is trying to make speed in a 45 mph zone. OH OH OH -- FLASH -- Judy cannot see. Right, she cannot see. But I am supposed to be quiet when I think she is too close or is not slowing down as quickly as I think she should be. One time she is flying down the road and pulls up behind a car in the passing lane and I thought our hood ornament was gonna mate with their trunk key slot and I screamed. She was well aware..... I told her I thought she was in a coma. Shame we didn't have the flip this trip. We finally have to get gas in the Caddy (that means stopping - Thank you Jesus) and we stretch our legs and we are both hoping the roads will improve. HA HA HA HA For some reason, the Gods are still angry with us. We fill the tank up and off we go on two and three lane roads and most speed limits are 45 mph. Some crazy bitch in front of us in a van is in a big hurry, she starts passing on double lines and we watched her do it for miles. She didn't get caught or killed. You drive behind people going 20-30 mph for so long and then you see a 5 broken lines and you loose your mind. That happened to Judy several times. I got so tickled I told her I thought within 30 minutes of gassing the car she had probably used the full tank. I was stomping my gas pedal along with her rather than putting my brake pedal thru the engine.
I think it took us 6 hours to make it from Myrtle Beach, S.C. to Durham, N.C. Judy's sister, Janis called several times to make sure we were ok, she couldn't imagine what was taking us so long. Little did she know. We arrived at our hotel and Judy went inside to check us in. She left me outside in the car under the carport. I look around and beside me are some really cute college age guys. One in particular winks and waves at me. Hell, I perk right up. Immediately I rolled the window down and asked if they were Tech students. He said NO, I said why the hell did you wave at me then. He said, Oh, just being friendly. Judy's car is covered with VT decals -- so I had ASS-U-ME-D. I asked if he and his friends were students and sure enough, they were. They were Dartmouth LaCrosse players. They had been beaten by N.C. the day before and the next day they were to play Duke. I wished them luck and they hopped on a van and headed out to dinner and they all waved. Hmmmm, I still got it.(We all know they are taught to respect their elders)
Judy and I unpacked and headed up to our room and Janis is right next door. Her cousin, Terry had driven to Durham with her to entertain her and keep her company. Terry is so much fun and has a grest sense of humor. Everyone loves him. We chatted and sipped some tea and decided to try the Pomodora Italian Restaurant right across the street for dinner. Street was very busy 5 lane highway and Judy and I opted to drive the big Caddy over. The youngsters walked. We drove over and parked in the handicap zone and hobbled in to eat. OMG what a wonderful fragrance. Oregano, garlic, yeast bread... Everything on the menu looked wonderful and I wanted one of everything. I also get grouchy when I am hungry and at other times too. We ordered and our waiter brought our salads and then brought a basket of bread -- you will not believe it. He brought 2 fat, hot rolls. That was it. TWO DAMNED ROLLS. He was gone before I could say what the hell...... I know it was 20 minutes before the asshole returned. We were out of water, wine, and tea. I was really pissed. The next waitress I saw I asked if she could see if someone could bring us more bread. Well, asshole got the message, but returned "breadless". He asked if there was a problem. I told him there clearly was a problem....there were 4 of us and two rolls and we would like 2 more. He turned on his heel and as he walked away we ALL heard him say BITCH. Who cared, not me, I was hungry and wanted another roll. We got the roll and he didn't have the balls to say it to my face or anyone else's. Little balless wonder. Not only that, but Judy and I went back the next night too. Pity, he didn't wait on us, DAMNIT. I was so looking forward to harassing the little shit again.
Judy bed/chair hops. She does not like to sleep in a bed. It messes her hair up. She prefers to sleep in her recliner. Now in the condo she had a choice of two recliners and a huge couch. I found her in each of them at different times. Also, she does not snore and I snore loud enough (when I am not talking) to wake the dead. I think Judy uses the excuse not to sleep in the bedroom so she can hear me when I sneak in the kitchen in the middle of the night for a snack. She told me one morning after I had gotten up to find a bag of Ginger Snaps that we had had a mouse the night before. Hell, I nearly jumped up on the cabinet. I asked how she knew and if she saw it. She informed me that she saw it and heard it when it got the Ginger Snaps out of the cabinet and ate some. God, we laughed so hard over that. I like to hide my food, usually I can't find something like that in the middle of the night.
One thing I do want to tell you about Judy and recliners. When I think about it I nearly wet my pants. In her family room she has two recliners and a table separates them. Her chair sits almost against the wall beside her sliding glass doors that lead out onto her deck. Sometime during the night, while sleeping in her chair, leaned way back in her chair and her chair tipped over backwards. So her back, shoulders and head are against the wall and her ass, and legs are in the back and seat of the chair and stuck up in the air. She is pretty much wedged in good. When she told me this story I could just see the picture of her in that position and stuck. I must have cried for 10 minutes. She finally scooted and pushed her way out until she was able to free herself and get up and dust herself off and cuss and laugh and go back to sleep. That story was beggin to be told and this was just as good a place as any.
Well since I have written the blog you know we made it home safely.
Judy called today and said she was planning our trip to Montana. HURRAH! We are trying to figure out which CD's we will cash. I knew my husband was eavsdropping and I said I am not sure where I will take my travel money from. I then said Oh Damn, I think I just heard his head hit the floor. We both had a great belly laugh out of that. He is already sick knowing that landscapers will be here soon and spending money makes him ill.
Well I hope you enjoyed this little trip. We didn't do a whole lot but we did laugh alot. Can you imagine the stories that will come out of our trip out West? OMG.
Happy Trails
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