A FUN NIGHT HAVING A SLEEP STUDY DONE

The first sleep study I had done this year was at 6:30 p.m. Bright and shiny when I arrived at the clinic, even tho while trying to manage favorite pillows, a makeup bag, travel bag with pj's, underwear, clean clothes, etc, the clinician spoke to me through the open window near my head and I screamed and jump and pissed myself. After we both quit laughing she pushed the button and let me go in to the bathroom and clean up. Her name was Heather and we knew it was gonna be a wild ride. True to form that night was giggles and laughter most of the night. I asked if she had any snacks and she asked if I was hungry. I told her to look at me and then asked if I looked hungry. I thought she would drown in her own saliva when she tried not to laugh. I said yea, bitch laugh. Do you or do you not have any food. When she finally got herself under control she thought there might be some old blueberry muffins. I said "no chocolate" and we laughed again. So that was the first trip under MEDICARE. I had my first study done when I was a member of the WORKING CLASS and belonged to an ANTHEM group. So Heather hooked all these wires up to me head, and glued them to my scalp, face, neck, chin, boobs, under boobs, back, shin bone, ankles. We found something funny about that as well.



We were both exhausted after that workout and she told me to take a break and she would look for chocolates or something and I could fill out the 5 pages of forms. She also had another lady to get rigged up. So I watched TV and filled out the form. Heather came back with the tiniest can of coke I have ever seen. It had sugar and it went down real gooooood. So we said our good nights and she left. Ohhhhh Ohhhhh, I forgot to tell you that these sleep studies are filmed. Snoring, farting, whatever you do. I had to sign a Release agreeing to that. So the next morning I awoke knowing that since I do have sleep apnea I would have a breathing machine over my nose and mouth and oxygen would be forced down my throat keeping my airway open. Well, much to my dismay and surprise. When I could finally open my eyes and I could barely hear her voice (hearing aids in a drawer) she said time to rise and shine. I said where the fuck is my breathing machine? She said with Medicare we have to do a STUDY first. You will have to come back and have another one done. WELL HOLY SHIT. I PITY THE FOOL that has to watch that. So I am sure I was gasping and gagging and snoring and choking and talking and cursing (I am bilingual and bisexual and can do many things) all night long. So we started laughing again. My hair looked like someone had glued pieces of it together with super glue and there was no way in hell it was coming unglued. Even tho the eye make up was taken off, there was a whoooooole lot left on. I don't know where it hid while the other came off. Maybe I rub my eyes too. I had mascara down to my cheeks. I looked like some ghost with glue matted in its hair. So I hit the huge walk in shower (big enough for an old person in a wheel chair) and took my time while thinking of where I could have breakfast. Breakfast was from a drive-thru Hardees and consisted of two butter biscuits and coffee with 18 creamers. I sang along with moldy oldies on my XM radio all the way and the day was great.

SLEEP STUDY 3 WEEKS LATER WITH A MAN CLINICIAN


Last nights slept study began at 8:30 p.m. It was almost dark. I knew I had to walk up that long ramp to get in the building. It is scary at night. There are bushes grown where anyone could hide and jump out and getcha. This time I didn't take all that junk. No pillows and just a lighter load. I had gone to dinner with my kids at Applebees and they had salad type things like I did. But I got an Asian chicken salad. I really wanted a mixed drink but figured they would ask if I had or smell it on me and cancel the study. So I didn't have my drink. We had a great time at dinner and went to the drugstore next door and my daughter-in-law looked up above the entrance and saw this huge snake skin wrapped around part of the decorative entrance. Well, we told everyone going in and coming out. We know how to draw a crowd. Finally some little smart ass clerk (male of course) came out and said NAAAY, it's not real - we put it up there to keep the birds away. We said sure you did. So we went into the store, bought lots of candy and left. I was sure as hell gonna have candy this time: Maple Nut Goodies (like my grandmother used to have) and 2 large bags of peanut M&M's.

So I check out with $14 worth of candy and heading to the clinic.
I got there with a minute to spare. I was hoping Heather would be there again. Nope it was a MAN. OH GOD, he is gonna be gluing those things all over me. Should be interesting.

As I got ready to open the door, he ALSO spoke threw the window, "IT'S OPEN". I was prepared and opened the door and went right in. He met me and opened the entrance to the clinic and I said don't say anything, show me to the bathroom and QUICK. He said right this way and run. I knew we would have fun then. I just barely made it to the bathroom. He took all my luggage as I came in and sorta threw it at him and said "show me..." There are 6 bedrooms there and each one has its own bath and if there is a community bathroom, I have no idea where it is and didn't have time to wait for a tour.

I guess he listened for a flush because once I had flushed and washed my hands, he knocked on my door and brought my stuff in. He was cute and funny and married. I can find out a lot in 5 min and he probably didn't even know he had told me. His name was David and he lived about 45 miles away and had children and his children were girls and his 3 dogs were girls too. He was happy. He smiled all the time. We made small talk and he explained different things he was going to asking me to do, filling out forms, taking my blood pressure, taping a pulse machine over my finger, gluing electrodes in my hair (to my scalp), under my pj's on my legs, to my neck, chin, forehead, back of neck. So he would leave me to put on my pj's and he would be back. I was to sit in a straight jack and if I had some sleep tablet that I took to sleep to take that too.

So knowing there is a microphone and camera in there I went in the bathroom to undress. You know that younger men are always interested in 67 yr old women don't you??

Whether David peaked or listened or waited til I opened my door, I don't know. I opened my door, turned the TV on loud and he came back about 10 min later. As I said earlier, David did have a great sense of humor. So I had put on red silk pj's long legs and long sleeves. Had I had shorties I would have worn them since I am always burning up. So David has on his blue dr. scrubs and is squatting at my feet. I had already started jerking his chain and he was laughing. So David said he was gonna roll up my pj legs. I grasped my throat and said WHY? He looked really serious and said he was sorry, he thought I knew that and I shook my head and then he said that he was going to run the electrodes hooked to my shin bone up the front of my thigh and up the front of my stomach to my chest. I still had this wide-eyed look on my face and he wasn't sure if I was jerking his chain or what. Then he said is that okay? I said I guess. So we did that. Then he said, "my wife has been wanting some silk pjs". I asked him what made him thin of that. Poor thing. He said well yours did. I said why haven't you bought her some and he replied that he just never thought of them. I said so you are looking at me and thinking of your wife in my pj's? He said Oh, No mam. I just keep staring at him. He was trying so hard not to get rattled. Then he had to hand me another electrode up the left leg for me to put my hand down the top of my thigh to grab. I told him he had rolled the leg up too tight on my knee and was going to have to lower it some. He gladly did that too. That was done. Then he had to glue them almost on my boob. I had to be careful not to laugh at him. He got those done. He was then afraid that by taping the pulse thing on my new fingernails that the polish would come off. I said well I guess you all can reimburse me for that. It only costs $60.00. He was soooooo careful.

Next he started gluing the electrodes to my face, starting with my chin. I said JESUS H, do you have to remove the damn skin first. He laughed and I said what are you putting on my skin and he was so droll when he said acetone. I said Don't be a SMART ASS DAVID. He said well you started it. He was getting the hang of it. He put them on my neck, face, chest and then behind the ears and then in the hair (that had been colored that day). I remembered today that when Heather had done it, she had an electrode under each boob -- I think he just couldn't go there. hahaha

So he said well why don't you get ready for bed and I will get the machine on you and...... I said wait a minute, I am not ready for bed. He then said he had another client to get ready. I said well go get that person done and leave my ass alone. I am gonna read or watch TV. He said, well let's at least try the mask on you. I said alright. I picked up the mask and said that's way tooo small. He said NO IT ISN'T. I said YES IT IS. He said NO IT ISN'T. I said I would think I know better than you. He said I doubt it. I said wanna put some $$$ where your mouth is? He laughed and said NO. I said fine, but it on me and you will BE WRONG. He said NO I WON'T, I SAID YES YOU WILL, that went back and forth 2 or 3 times. Finally he put it on and it worked for about 5 seconds and then it wouldn't stay in place and I laughed and said nanner nanner nanner. He said I knew I was gonna loose. So he got the medium and that particular one wouldn't work either and then he got one like the one I use at home and PRESTO, it worked. I sat up in the bed and held my arms out and sang the MIGHTY MOUSE SONG. "HERE I COME TO SAVE THE DAY" and he really enjoyed that.

He had to go test his equipment in the testing room and automatically turned off my TV (shithead). Then made me do eye exercises, breathing so many times, blink my eyes and said perfect. And the next thing I remembered was him waking me up at 5:30 a.m. I said Jesus David why are you waking me up at this hour? He said my shift is over and I had to finish you up, finish my paperwork and go home. So as he took all the electrodes off, I filled out his paperwork. I said I bet half this shit is where I am suppose to write how wonderful you were and he said yes mam. HAHAH It was true, a whole page. Once I finished my praises of him and the clinic I went to bed and slept til 9 a.m. Never saw David again.

What I did forget to mention was that I had told David about Heather having no food or sweets. I said so here are some maple nut goodies for you. He said WONDERFUL; I love toffee -- thank you so much. I realized this morning that I forgot (hahaha) to leave them a huge bag of M&M chocolate covered peanuts. Hell, they won't go to waste.

Hope you enjoyed my fun




















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