So on New Year's Eve, raise your toast to Babs. I will be doing that.
Sunday, December 27, 2009
A Sad Note to End the Year 2009
I wanted to share with all my faithful readers that on December 10, 2009, Barbara, my sister-in-law, passed away. Barbara found out in December, 2008 that she had lung cancer and probably only 6 months to live. She was a fighter to the end. She showed everyone and lived an extra 6 months because she wasn't quite ready to go. Her Christmas present to herself was to unhook the oxygen and smoke a cigarette and drink some Wild Turkey Whiskey. A tough Old Girl. She donated her body to science (and I said Jesus, they will never see another body like that one Babs). I guess she got that idea from reading Patricia Cornwell. Her Body went to The Body Farm in Tennessee. Her son and daughter decided since Virginia Tech would be playing Tennessee in the Chick Filet Bowl Game in Atlanta this year, she would go to Tennessee wear her Virginia Tech (Orange and Maroon)colors. If you don't know about the Body Farm, you can Google it.
So on New Year's Eve, raise your toast to Babs. I will be doing that.
So on New Year's Eve, raise your toast to Babs. I will be doing that.
Thursday, November 5, 2009
MYRTLE BEACH, NOVEMBER 2009
On our way to Myrtle Beach we were having a great time. I know you are going to find this hard to believe --- but ---- hold on to your seats --- WE DID NOT, I REPEAT, WE DID NOT, GET LOST!!!! HURRAY. THE GPS was in the trunk, in its usual place too. I think we are finally getting it, after 10 years, we know the way.
Somewhere down the road Judy said that she was hearing a funny noise. I told her she was deaf. She has a terrible head cold, sinus infection or allergies. She had to rake and blow her leaves the weekend we were to leave and all the dust went up into her damn brain. She rode with me with toilet paper sticking out of each nostril to prevent her nose from dripping on her clothes. She said it only drips if I bend my head over. I told her to quit bending her damned head over. You can hear the laughter now. What a pretty sight we must have been. Two fat women, speeding down the road, loud music coming from within this hot rod and the blond riding shotgun had a wad of toilet paper hanging out of each nostril. No wonder men were trying to pick us up everywhere we went. Hell, we hadn’t even gotten to the Beach yet. Wait till the Bikers saw us.
Anyway, back to the noise. Judy says is that a plane? Do you think a plane could be tracking our every move? If we go to our condo and come out and the plane is circling then they are after us. I said there is no damned airplane. She said WHAT, then what is that noise I hear. I said it is your fuckn head roaring. She said Shut up, Gail -- Is it your tires? I said I don’t hear anything unusual. She said, in her LOUD/HATEFUL VOICE, Gail YOU ARE DEAF!! Then she gets worried it is a tire, or maybe a bearing. God, she isn’t going to quit till I stop the damned car.
I continue to drive and we are tapping our toes to the music and I see a sign that reads N.C. Zoo. I have heard it is a great zoo. We never stop once we get in the car to go somewhere and we have said we are going to do better. So unbeknownst to Judy I take the exit and she is alarmed because it was not her idea. She thinks the worst. That’s what the shotgun rider is supposed to do, I think. Or be like a girl scout and always be prepared. She wanted to know what the hell I was doing. Told her I was going to the N.C. Zoo. She told me I was loosing it and it was all because of my new medication. Also, that new medication was making me HATEFUL! We drive a short distance down a two-lane road, hang a right and see a sign that reads Zoo straight ahead. As I start down the road Judy said Gail, I’m not kidding, something is seriously wrong. The airplane is back and you need to stop this damned car. So I stopped the damned car, right in the middle of the road. (of course, I looked in the mirror first, I am always aware of my surroundings). She uttered some unrepeatable words after her whiplash and we sat there laughing for a few minutes and she once again told me how hateful I was. So we continued down the road and there was a church and a parking lot and it was Sunday and there were some guys standing around smoking. You know where I go, right….. Sure you do... into that parking lot like a bat out of hell.
Judy yells, where are you --- God, why? I said well you want someone to check the tires and by God, there stand two men. She said well, they need to run along beside the car as we drive to see the tires. WTF???? I never heard of that. But where I am HATEFUL -- SHE IS ALL KNOWING (or a know it all). So these to guys are hanging outside the church with their shirttails out, bellies over their belts and cigarettes dangling from their lips. As we rumble up beside of them they both take the cigarettes out of their mouths and I roll down the window to ask them to run along beside of us in the parking lot and I get tickled and only get would you run along beside me out and Judy has to finish the sentence and she was tickled too. Now anyone could tell that these good ole boys hadn’t run anywhere for a long time. They weren’t that old, but they hadn’t run. You could look at the size of the belly hanging over the belt, the hem of the pants under their shoe heel wasn’t even worn out and the crotch in their pants was way to low to allow them to run fast, much less beside a car in a church parking lot.
The good ole boys took a deep drag, at the same time, off their cigarettes and said which tire? Since I am the HATEFUL one, and was in a church parking lot, I said HELL, WE DON’T KNOW, check ‘em all. Judy and I were ready to explode. They walked in front of my car, stood in front of the left front wheel and said THIS 'UN HAS SOME SLACK. I said WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT? The other one said THIS 'UN HAS SOME SLACK. He took his lead from the first guy I think. I said WHAT THE HELL IS SLACK (remember still in a church parking lot, but I am HATEFUL, because of medication only). They looked at each other and then one of them said you need some air. We tried to look serious and thanked them. They stuck out their chests, as if they had done something. They were proud. I put the car in gear, revved it up, and off we went. We laughed as we headed down the road. When we came to the fork in the road we saw a little country filling station. SHAZAM it had an air tank too. For seventy-five cents we could get 5 minutes of air. The wind was chilly and I jumped out (cause I am fast on my feet) and read the instructions, Judy handed me 3 quarters and I took the cover off of the tire nozzle. Bending over on my head was a treat, and no way could I make that air hose fit on the nozzle. I started cussing, as air was coming out of the tire and the tire didn’t even look like it needed air. What the hell was wrong with me? Why did I immediately start putting air in the tire they said had some slack? It was contagious? Judy heard the cussing and came to my rescue.
I am not sure if I have ever said this before but Judy is really particular about her hair. If you have seen my pictures you can tell that I am not. So here we are, both standing on our heads looking at the tire, she is trying to get the gauge on the nozzle and I see her hair sprayed hair blow from the back of her head over the top of her head and cover her face. I start laughing hysterically, because I am hateful (only because of my medication).
Back on the road and the noise (or airplane following above) is still with us. I told Judy that she really needs to draw a good breath and talk about something besides that damn sound for awhile. We actually made good time this trip. Didn't even need a map nor the GPS. Drove right up to our condo building but knew that we had to drive to the garage underneath to unload everything. I hate parking garages. So down the ramp we go, find the place where the buggies and luggage carts are located and take deep, deep breaths. This garage is open to the ocean in the back and it is really cold and the wind is whipping our hair back and forth, and especially Judy's hair. I have to look away from her and stifle a laugh. My car's shocks must have been pushed to the limit. We made 6 trips with the luggage and grocery carts. We had very little food and more plastic bags than luggage. Once we unloaded everything on the 6th floor we headed back to move the car in front of the condo.
We hurriedly unpacked (I have no idea why), and hooked up our computers. Judy's first move was to call her daughter and tell her we made it and all about the noise. That only worried her daughter that we would probably be killed around town or on our way home. The good thing was that her daughter knew some people who had moved here and was going to see if they had found someone to do their car work yet. BEHOLD! BEHOLD! They had. She got their number.
The next day we did some touring and shopping and as we were passing a Walmart I made a quick turn and went into their garage. A mechanic came out and I asked him to check our tires. Before he could speak Judy starts telling him about this airplane noise. He stops her (FINALLY SOMEONE COULD) and checks our tires. He told me the front two were a starting to pull apart (with dry rot) and were out of alignment and one had a roofing nail in it. The back two were in pretty bad shape as well. He told us he would see what kind of tires he had that would fit my DINGBAT MOBILE. He only had Goodyear tires. Judy said HELL NO that she did NOT like Goodyear tires and that she had Michelin tires. I went to get something out of the trunk while he and Judy spoke. I got in and Judy said “he whispered that we should go to Sears because he doesn't like Goodyear tires either”. I know that guy is still trying to figure out which one of us owns the car and which one SHOULD be making the decisions.....
Our next mission was to find Sears 2 blocks away before 7 p.m. It was then 5 p.m. We found a Sears representative who was a native Virginian. After giving him a hard time for 15 minutes and making him talk to my son, Frank, for another 15 minutes about matching INTERNET prices, we walked next door to the mall and were told to return in 1 hr and 15 minutes. While we were gone they were installing some Japanese tires and I bought 3 and got 1 free. YAYYYYY for Frank. I managed to use my credit card several times in the mall and Judy sat inside the Mall in a comfy chair and “rested her eyes”. We picked up the car and paid over $500 and hit the road again. After about 20 minutes on the road that damned airplane was back over top of us again. After a few expletives we decided to get a few groceries. Judy was not happy. Hell, I was the one who had just spent $500, talk about unhappy. As I pulled into the grocery store parking lot the “low tire” light came on and I went CRAZY. New tires and the LOW TIRE LIGHT comes on. I called Sears and told them through clenched teeth about the problem They said if it doesn't go off automatically bring it by tomorrow. They did not know we were 30 miles away from their shop nor did they give a shit.
The next morning we called the shop that had been recommended to us. They said certainly, they would be happy to check our car out. Judy and I both though, yea I bet you will be. They gave Judy the directions and off we went. We were also going to meet a friend of ours who had just arrived here the night before. The Carolina Car Care (CCC) Garage was located in a Town called Murrells Inlet. We had certainly been there before, been lost there before and had eaten bad food there before. It's not a very big place, but big enough for us to get lost. So Jimmy, our new friend at the CCC Garage and Judy had a plan. We drove to Murrels Inlet and finally ran out of road. Then Judy and I had a few words about her not understanding directions. We turned around and headed back to the main highway. She called Jimmy again. He asks her where we are at that time. She tells him we are at the HOT FISH HOUSE. He asked if we were eating? Judy assured him we were not but we were still lost. He also did not recognize the name of any of the places she mentioned. OH GOD, PLEASE HELP ME – DON'T LET ME KILL EITHER OF THEM TODAY! Judy had called him at least 5 times within the hour. By this time, we were almost back to the main road and I saw a Gun Shop with men on the front porch and I made a quick turn into their drive. There were at least 7 men on the porch and I made Judy ask for directions. So they sent one of their younger fellows out. I could see his elbows working, his bulging stomach and could hear him. I heard him give her directions 3 times but could not tell which was he was pointing. As we headed out of their lot I had to stop for traffic. I noticed an old car I had commented on when we first went down that road. So I was giving it the eye again and realized it was parked in front of a Biker's Bar I have heard about for years but had never seen. The name of the Bar is “SUCK, BANG AND BLOW” Is that cool or what? So I was really stoked. So at the traffic light I asked Judy which way were we supposed to go? She got upset and said you heard him too. Then I knew we were in trouble. I told her I had heard him but I didn't know which way his arms were pointing as he talked and since her head was laying on his belly, surely she must have seen the direction he pointed. So she was huffy and said take a left. We did and of course after 20 miles we knew that was wrong. I said that I was going to turn around an go back to that traffic light and rather than turn left, as we had done, I was going to go through it. Well I made the turn too quickly but knew how to get back where I wanted to be. So I had never been told the street name or road name just places to turn. HOW STUPID.
So I was now on a different highway and I pulled over into the lot of a STRIP JOINT. I took the phone and called the CCC Garage. Jimmy answered the phone. I said “Jimmy, different woman, but same car.” I am at the Pink Pony Strip Joint, where the hell are you? He said FANTASTIC. Get out of that lot, go to the light and across that highway (straight across) and you will pass two buildings (which he named) and our garage is on the left. I said, “OK JIMMY, I WANT YOU TO STAND OUT AT THE ROAD AND WHEN YOU SEE AND HEAR A SILVER IMPALA WITH TWO GOOD LOOKIN WOMEN HEADING YOUR WAY, YOU HAD BETTER JUMP UP AND DOWN AND WAVE YOUR ARMS. He said YES MAM! Guess, what. He sure did. I had told Judy that if I did not like the looks of the place I would keep on going, without even slowing down, even if he was jumping up and down. I liked the looks of the garage and pulled into the driveway. Judy had almost told him twice on the phone that she that she thought it was a wheel bearing and I kept saying shhhhhhh, shut up, let them figure it out and she would be quiet. Jimmy wanted to ride in the car with us and he gets in the back seat. He let us know he wanted to enjoy the vision of riding with two beautiful women. Did I mention that Jimmy was also full of shit? Then he wanted to know if we were sisters. I said NO and Judy said YES. He said well, I'm confused. Then we laughed and told him NO. So the minute we took off, Judy spilled her guts about thinking it was a wheel bearing and that's what my son thought too. I said JESUS CHRIST. You should have waited to see if they were smart enough to figure it out by themselves. He said yes, mam – you are so right about that. So we drove around and he listened. Then he told me I drove too fast, and he tried to tell me when to put on my signal light. I told him he needed to be quiet and he laughed and said he would. Judy told him I was hateful and she thought it was mainly because of my medication but that I was hateful anyway.
We finally arrived back at his shop and I ask for a price quote. He gave me one of $219. I told him I would check with my son and call him the next day. It was almost 10 a.m. by the time I had showered and dressed and run it by Frank and Judy had run it by her mechanic at home. Everyone agreed that was a good price and to have it done. Hell, Frank said I should have them both done, because the other one would certainly be going soon. If he had sent me $219 I probably would have. but he didn't so I had them buy one bearing. Jimmy said he would go pick up the part and how long would it take me to get “there today”? I said well I am 30 some miles away and hopefully I won't get lost, but I'm not making promises. I hope to make it by 10:30. Before I left the house I asked Judy whether or not I should take the Bypass or go the way we went yesterday (stupid of me). No, No – don't take the bypass she said. So I ended up where we were yesterday. But remembered we hadn't gone far enough the first time. So I went 10 more miles and realized I was on my way to Charleston, S.C. God, I was mad. So I turned around, headed back the way I had come and I was looking for the Pink Pony. I never saw the damn place. I pulled into the Post Office and called Jimmy. He heard my voice and laughed. I said Dammit Jimmy, this isn't funny. He asked where we were. I said I AM ALONE THIS TIME. I told him I was at the post office by the Japanese restaurant. He said UT OH, you've gone too far. I had a few choice words then. He said it's okay honey, turn around, go through two traffic lights and under the overpass and at the 3rd light you will see the road. I said hell, I have been that way and did not see any overpass. He said well it's there. Okay, I turn around and go through the lights and did not see any overpass but by God I WAS headed to Charleston again. Then, Jimmy called me and said “WHERE YOU AT” and I told him I was headed south towards Charleston. He said Law, that is wrong. I thought you was headed North. I asked why the hell he would think that? He said he was so sorry. Well for me to turn around and keep coming back till I did see the overpass and when the road splits for me to GO UNDER THE OVERPASS. So sure enough, this time I saw it and what do you think I did? Take a guess, please take a guess, I took a right and did not go under the overpass. I kid you not. WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME. Been around Judy too long, I think. So I knew that there wasn't that much distance between the two roads and I cut through two hamburger joints and a mall and was right across from the PINK PONY. HURRAY. As I pulled into the CCC Garage, I blew the horn all the way to the front door.
Now for the story on our residence for a month. We usually stay at The Regency Towers, older condos but very nice and we like the people who stay there and the guys at the front desk (they are young, of course we like 'em. Judy had made our reservations last year as usual and later on in 2009 we checked the computer and looked at photos of all the condos and tried to choose one had not stayed in before. So that done we started saving our money for the fall. Around August Judy called and said "you are gonna be pissed". Then she told me why. Well, she was right and I was. The Regency had won a lawsuit and the plan was to revamp the place. Not only were they resurfacing the whole outside of the building which looked like a sprayed on stucco, but they were tearing out the old railings along the outdoor walkways on each floor, fixing the balcony railings and LOW AND BEHOLD, in the two-bedroom condos the master suite would now have a whole outer wall of ceiling to floor windows. You can look out and think you are standing on a rooftop looking at the ocean. Oh it is beautiful. The fellows gave us a key to check one out and now we are so anxious to be there next year. Where was I? Oh I know....the new place we are in is a RESORT. Right.
Judy had been on Craig's List looking for another place for us to stay and found a lady who had a condo near North Myrtle (which Judy does not like) for rent. Judy advised her that we were coming down her the first of October looking for a place and if possible we would stop by. She lives in Fairfax and said that was fine she would be here anyway. So we looked at about 10 places (through realtors) and they did not measure up to we had become accustomed to. We like a lobby, desk clerks, and guards, and a locked lobby. On our way to Ocean Creek Resort for our appointment, we stopped at two really nice, new condos that had good prices and told them we would come back for the tour after we were finished. Mistake, (I made a snappy decision). MY FAULT.
We found the Ocean Creek Resort and had to stop at a Guard Shack and let them do a PAP SMEAR before we could enter (joke) and drove back to the Condos. There were many different facilities as we drove down the road. There were tennis apartments, wooden lodges, conference centers, restaurants, and a North Tower and a South Tower. We were meeting in the North Tower. Judy either didn't have the directions with the room number or had stored it in her MEMORY BANK (which had just just down due to power outage). She thought maybe the floor was 6 but the letter that followed the 6 was what was giving her the problem. Aha, she decides it is A. Now these condos have plantation doors on the outside of the condo door. Is that stupid or what? If your plantation door is locked how in the hell can you see through the peep hole to see who is knocking? Poor planing on someone's part. So of course we are snickering all the way to the door and Judy wants me to knock and I tell to knock since it is her plan. I said open the damn door so she can see who it is. The woman's voice on the other side of the door says "who is it" -- Judy, the smart one, says "Maya" (the woman we were to meet) and the woman once again says "who is it" and Judy says "Maya it's Judy." Okay by then I need a bathroom because I am so tickled at how stupid Judy is acting. She could have said Judy and Gail here for our 2 p.m. appointment. But nooooo. She rode that little yellow bus for too many years. The woman opens the door with that deer in the headlight look and says she thinks we are at the wrong apartment. I wanted to say YA THINK? So Judy thanks her and we turn around and burst out laughing and I called her a bunch of names and Judy was explaining to me why she did that. It made perfect sense to her...So as we are arm in arm stumbling back up the hall, Maya comes out of her condo which is H (sounds like A, doesn't it). Said she thought she heard something and plus we had called her from the parking lot. I guess had she known how stupid we were she would have met us in the lobby. She got a good laugh out of our blunder as well. She even said we were a lot of fun, she could tell. Wonder if it was the drool running out of the corners of our mouth or the pee running down our legs?
So Maya took us into her beautiful summer place. She did not have an ocean front, but an ocean view. Her balcony seemed to wrap around the whole building. Party, Party. She explained that we were in the North Tower and across the creek there was the South Tower. Several times we talked about the South Tower, she pointed out their pool, and talked about the SWASH where the water from the ocean comes up over part of the sand and has cut a small stream in between another condo tower partially in front of us. There were some men gigging flounder as we watched. You will understand the reason to my madness of talking about the South Tower so much in a moment. So we were on the balcony for 10-15 minutes as she pointed out the outdoor pool for the North Tower, the outdoor pool for the South door that also had a heated indoor pool that opened into it. Then she grabs a ring of keys and off we go to look at not just one condo but four.
Maya explains that people were impressed with the way she had been able to keep the condos rented and they had asked her to rent theirs as well so they didn't have to go through a rental agency. So we looked at the first three and they were nice but we didn't like the furniture (not comfy) or something. Women can always find something to bitch about. But the last one, that we had come to look at in the first place was the one she said was hard to rent. It had belonged to an older couple and they were both dead and the son lived in Idaho and never got down her and did not want to sell it yet. So she asked if we wanted to make an offer. Well it was nice, it had some furniture like I had from my mother's and I don't even like antiques. It was my turn to get the master suite anyway and it had a huge balcony, the swash, pools, etc. Soooo, rather than discuss it and get back to her or discuss it with Judy when she said make me an offer -- Damnit, I did and she said SOLD! At that time I was so proud. We gave her a deposit and could rest easy now that we had our place for November.
So we arrived, and the 2nd day in between car trouble and garages and mechanics I decided to check out the pool. Judy said well we are going out anyway, why don't we drive over there and check it out. Sure sounded like a plan. We drove over and went in and didn't see a damned soul. We got on the elevator and realized there was no pool or garage level? So we open the elevator door and got back out. I smelled chlorine and we walked towards some steps and I told Judy to case the joint while I go down the steps. Down there I found a 3 foot deep pool with an opening to the outdoor pool and a hot tub. The pool was cold. There were two women sitting around the pool but they never saw me. So I grunt and moan and pull myself up those steps and tell Judy that is no pool and let's get out of there. I was really getting pissed by then. On our way to town, I bitched a whole lot.
That night I was still pissed. So I fixed a glass of wine and wrote Maya. She is very nice and wrote right back. She apologized for the oversight and the misunderstanding and wanted to tell me where the heated, indoor pool, for everyone was. Ahhhhhh, now I had a glass of wine and a smile on my face. All was well, I was happy again, Judy was happy if I was happy.
The next morning after breakfast, I finally got my swimsuit up over hips and put my straw hat on my head, got my towel, my beach cover up on and off I go. I thought I had those directions down pat. HA What the hell. I followed the walkway to the sign that read PRIVAT PROPERTY: SOUTH TOWER PROPERTY GUESTS ONLY. Well, maybe I go around that South Tower -- no, that is marsh and I sure as hell am not walking through snake country. Damnit, well maybe I need go go through the South Tower -- It is such a warm and friendly place. As I walked to the front doors, where we had been before the sign reads: PRIVATE PROPERTY, SOUTH TOWER RESIDENTS ONLY. Now I am no longer concerned, I am really pissed off. I stand there for a few moments and I see a wall phone with everyone's number on it and then I see SECURITY #0. Security will help, right -- that's what they get paid for. The conversation follows: HIM: SECURITY ME: Sir, I am at the entrance to the South Tower and I am staying at the North Tower. Where is the community pool? HIM: You are trespassing. Get off that property at once. ME: I would like to but first I need to find the pool. HIM: It is up beside the restaurant and then he slammed the phone down. COLOR ME REALLLY, REALLLY PISSED!
I truly had to get myself under control or someone was gonna die or get hurt. I was seething and sweating profusely. I had my phone but was tooo mad to call Judy and share with her. So I start walking. I didn't know where the damned restaurant was. This property is all wooded and the main road is a 1 1/2 lane paved road that runs in and out of the property. There are signs pointing to West Lodge, East Lodge, Tennis Court, Outdoor Pool, Conference Center, Security..... So I started walking slowly and stopped and watched a couple of squirrels playing just to keep from crying (I was reallly pissed). Then I see a sign that reads 4 Seasons Restaurant. Okay, I must be near the pool, here is the restaurant. I go in the restaurant and it is empty. They have those containers with burners under them all set up, lit, tables set, music playing, a TV on in the bar but not one fucking soul was anywhere to be found. I went everywhere but into the bathrooms or kitchen. I knew I was going to start fuming all over again.
I manage to get out in the parking lot of the restaurant before I call Judy. Then I was furious again. Judy listened while called the Security guy everything but a WHITE MAN and I was headed toward the SECURITY GUARD SHACK and I was loaded for bear.
So I get huffing and puffing and looking for the indoor pool. I happened to see two elderly ladies walking towards me. I just stopped and waited for them to get closer to me. They were all smiles and asked if I was lost. Thank goodness I was able to bite my tongue. I said I was just walking around looking for the pool. They told me to walk with them and they would take me right to it. I tried to slow my breathing down so they wouldn't think I was having a heart attack. It took us about 15 minutes and I'll be damned, nowhere near the restaurant, but behind the Library, was the pool. I thanked them and walked towards the pool. I got inside and looked around. Not impressive. The pool was grungy looking and there was a fellow climbing out and heading towards the hot tub. I unloaded everything on a table and got my purple noodle and got into the semi-warm pool. When someone tells me a pool is heated, I think that is at least lukewarm. NOT! I get into the pool looking around for roaches and bugs. Didn't see any bugs. I did swim under the rope separating deep water from shallow. So I was still trying to calm down and the water was doing it. I started doing some water aerobics and loosening up. Getting somewhat happier by the minute. Every now and then I would glance around to see where the hot tub fellow had gone to. Too many women are being abducted or killed to suit me so I am careful of my surroundings. I heard a big splash and saw him getting out of the hot tub. I was thinking I probably couldn't fight him off in the water, but I could gouge his eyes out and scratch him with my fake nails. "Yea, Come Get You Some". Well he jumped in and I knew this was it. He looked at me and asked if I minded if he unhooked the rope. I thought this is it! He is going to try and strangle me with it and drown me. So I said help yourself and I started backing up like a crab. Nails are ready to tear him apart at any given moment still. As he unhooks the rope, the outside door opens and the custodian comes in and they speak to each other. Oh My God, they have been sitting in wait for their prey -- I walked into their trap. They talk for a few minutes and the custodian goes upstairs to a closet and I am holding my breath. He comes back down the steps with a rag in his hand and he is pouring something all over it. OH MY GOD, it is probably ether or something to keep me quiet. They continue talking about some woman's birthday party that night at the conference center and the custodian is walking around the pool to my side. I do the crab crawl sideways. The custodian picks up the rope with the buoys on it and starts cleaning the chlorine off of them. Hmmm, he wasn't going to try to abduct me after all. It was a good damned thing -- cause he was going to be seriously disfigured when I got finished with him. My God, I could not relax at all. Then I noticed another splash and the hot tub guy is getting out of the pool. My guard goes up again. He walks over to the shower and starts rinsing off. He was taking too much time to suit me -- just to wash the chlorine off. So I have my eyes on both of them and get the hell out of the pool. The hot tub guy is toweling off and putting on his shorts and flip flops and leaving me in there with the custodian with the ether. I grabbed my hat, got my shoes on and got out of there. Walked down the sidewalk the same way the women were heading when they dropped me off. I could then see the path to my condo building. THANK YOU JESUS. I haven't been back to the pool but I intend to. The one nice thing (there is only one nice thing about that pool) is that there is a huge window on the back and you can see the birds and squirrels in the live oak trees looking at you.
When that ordeal was over I came home, mixed a drink and relayed it all to Judy. She felt sorry for me (sure she did). She said from now on I will go sit with you so you feel safe and keep you company. Now her favorite thing to do is read and sit in an easy chair and there is no easy chair at that nasty pool. So far I have not been back up there but I do plan to. After going through all that with the assine security guard, finding the pool, the pool and everything else I wrote to Maya and ask if she would refund our money. I explained the reasons to her and she said certainly that she didn't want anyone to be unhappy. She said she would be coming down here the next day and would refund the money. Judy and I went out that night and discussed the pros and cons and decided it was not worth it to pack, move and unpack all this stuff again. So I sent her another e-mail and told her we would stay. She was so happy and knew we were gonna like it once we gave it a chance. FAT ASS CHANCE. So here we are.
Yesterday was fun. After lunch we decided to get out and do some shopping, spend some coins at the Flea Market where we could buy some more of our favorite knives. Especially since Judy packed hers and left them at home. I packed Mrs. Butterworth's Syrup and Mustard and left it at home too. So we purchased some syrup, knives and mustard. I was out of cash and had to find an ATM and Judy was famished and wanted to have a veggie burger. I had fixed them at home the night before. So we went to Cheeseburger in Paradise. Not as good as mine and cost a hell of a lot more too. We were craving sugar so we made a quick stop at a Krispy Kreme for some donuts to grill in the frying pan -- YUMMMMMM YUMMMMMM. Actually that was our 2nd trip to KK. When we took our friend to the Olive Garden we stopped at Krispy Kreme because the RED HOT NOW light was on. We can never pass that up. Hell, I have run across median strips to reach a KK that had the red hot light on. So Janis and Judy were a little alarmed when I made a quick turn into the parking lot. There was one couple in the shop drinking coffee. I jumped out to get us each 1 HOT glazed donut. As I got almost to the front door a car pulled up beside mine. I held the door to the KK shut and held up my hand as if I was stopping traffic. I yelled STOP PLEASE. They both looked at me. Judy and Janis started shaking their heads and laughing. The woman laughed and the man did not. I said stay inside your car please. THERE ARE NO DONUTS AT THIS TIME. STAY INSIDE YOUR CAR. THEN I RAN INSIDE AND HELD THE DOOR TO KEEP THE WOMAN OUT. She was busting a gut laughing. I let her in and she said she could tell I liked to have fun, just like her. She had spent the day with her mother-in-law and husband in Charleston and almost killed both of them. Tomorrow as her day ALONE! I saw the Krispy Kreme hats and we each put one on. The lady waiting on us was so tickled. She said ya'll know this is fun. I had already raised hell with her because she said the HOT DONUTS wouldn't be ready for 4 minutes. I said you should never turn that red light on till you take the first hot donut out. She said ok. So I grabbed my $20 worth of donuts (not just one hot one each) and wore my hat out and made Judy and Janis put one on too. They were still laughing. They wanted to know what that woman said because they did see her laughing. Janis said while I was doing all that crazy stuff the husband was breathing oxygen or something out of a hose he was holding over his mouth. I said maybe he thought it was a HOLD UP. He should have driven off. That's what I would have done if my husband had gotten out when some crazy woman was saying stop, stop.
NOVEMBER 21, 2009
Today is Saturday and we have pretty much been slugs the whole week. On Thursday night we decided we would mail some cards, buy a wedding gift for the Police Chief of Monroe County, who married a cop in Arizona. She surprised us with an e-mail of wedding pictures. She is one smart cookie, that Debra. After shopping Judy needed some ribs so off to Sticky Fingers we went. OH MY GOD, that place smells terrific. Did I mention that the first time we saw the place we thought it was a bakery and almost turned the car over getting to it. Well by now you all know it is a bbq place. Reminds Judy of the ribs we ate in Memphis, home of bbq ribs. From eating ribs we went to Barefoot Landing shopping. That is almost across the street from our "Resort". We shopped around there, I bought some glittery earrings for the girls at the shop where I have my nails done and then we came home and relaxed. You get so tired when you do nothing. On Friday I made another trip to a new grocery store (for me, at least) a Bi-Lo. Needed some whole cloves to make pork bbq for sandwiches this week until Thursday, then it is pork tenderloin that we will call turkey. Then on Monday we will be loading up and heading home. I have been bored, no pool.
So today, Saturday we decided we wanted to go back down to Murrells Inlet where we had the wheel bearing put in the tire --- surely you remember that. Judy and I have argued back and forth over instructions ever since. Today I let her tell me over and over til she got really loud the RIGHT way to get there and then I PROVED HER WRONG. SHE IS OVER THE HUMILIATION NOW. I'm still rubbing it in. What are friends for? WHAT?????? Anyway the purpose of today's trip was to take a photo of the Bar, Suck, Bang and Blow. As we head down the road, I almost turned into the Beaver Bar, hot damn, I hadn't even see that one. We were two excited ladies. So I whipped the car into the SB&B Bar and turned the engine off. I grabbed the camera and then we noticed a cute blonde sitting in a rocking chair around a big metal tub. I got out and said "HI" and she said "HI". We asked her name and it was Nikki. I asked if she would take our picture with the Suck, Bang and Blow Bar sign. As she stood up and walked towards us we could tell she had been drinking. I handed her the camera and told her what we wanted. She slurred when she said sure. Well the first picture she took only got part of the sign and not the SB&B part. I had to reprimand her and she said ok, she would do better. So she had us move to higher ground and sure enough that picture was good. We asked if she would take another picture of us with the Beaver Bar sign behind us. There were some bikers in that lot and she wanted to call them over. We said HELL NO, take the picture and be quiet (I said that, not Judy).
As we headed back towards our car she spotted a "sissy" bike and she said ya'll get on that and I will take your pictures. I said NO that is a sissy bike. Ok, she said I will get on it and you all stand beside it. We said no, we didn't want that bike in our pictures. As we continue back towards our car I saw an old antique ford that had caught my eye once before. I said I want a picture of that. She said good, get in it and I will take your picture. I said Hell No. I have no idea who that car belongs to. As we were arguing over who was going to get in the antique (which was probably locked) I saw a long haired blonde guy amble out and lean on a table and watch us. I thought either this is his car, he is trouble or wants to fight. Judy and I were laughing at Nikki telling her if she got in that damned car we were not going to take her picture but would once the POLICE ARRIVED.
By then the blonde guy was beside us. He had had his share of booze too. His shirt was opened and he had a big grin on his face and a smoker's gravely voice. He said HEY YALL. WHAT'S UP. Then Nikki introduced us to her husband, Harold.
He laughed all the time. He said for us to take a picture of him by the car. Then Harold said he wanted to take his clothes off -- I said drop 'em. Nikki said no Harold, No. Harold was going to drop 'em but I was busy turning my camera back on and had I been quicker, guess what we could be looking at now! Harold insisted on taking a picture of the three of us girls and then insisted on buying us a beer inside Suck, Bang and Blow.
Well, what the hell -- there were no cars or bikes in the parking lot so surely we would be safe in the hands of two drunks. We walked in to a huge dark room, tables loosely scattered around the room, music playing, a porn movie playing on a TV on a wall behind the bar. So Harold got some more bar stools and we all "bellied" up to the bar. Harold called the female bartender Baby and told her to give the two ladies whatever they wanted to drink, "on him". YAYYYYY. The bartender had a butterfly patch at the corner of her mouth and a bruised mouth. I really wanted to know what happened to her. Judy and I both ordered long neck Budweisers and the bartender popped the tops and set them up on the bar for us. Harold was so happy and couldn't quit grinning. He first asked where we were from. I told him Virginia. He said oh, like "BY GOD, VIRGINIA"? I told him that was "WEST BY GOD, VIRGINIA". We all had a huge laugh over that one. He had never heard of Blacksburg, but he had heard of Michael Vick and the dog fighting!!! Harold looked over at Judy and said Damn, you know who you look like? Judy said who? He told her CHER? Judy said I think you must be blind. He said No, you do, especially with those sunglasses on. Judy replied, I look more like Sonny and that got a huge laugh out of everyone. For a few minute Nikki and Harold talked to each other and Judy was watching Harold smoke his Marlboro cigarette. She said damn, I want a cigarette. I said hell no. She said yes I do and as she reached over I tried to hold her back. Harold looked around and said what you want Baby? Judy said I am dying for a cigarette. Well GOD. Rather than giving her a cigarette -- Harold gives her the one out of his mouth. I would have said, I just changed my mind -- but noooo, not Judy. She took that damned cigarette and took a deep drag off of it and blew the smoke a mile up in the air. I told Harold that the last time she smoked a cigarette she threw up off her deck. He said "did you Judy"? She laughed and said yes. He laughed even harder. (On our way home I asked Judy how she could take that cigarette that had been in his mouth? She laughed and said Hell Gail, the beer would kill any germs on the cigarette). She is a wild one. He really liked Judy. While we sat and chatted, there were two guys on the other side of the bar. One of them bought Harold and Vikki a beer. I am sure they did it to impress us. Harold wanted us to take a picture of him and we did. We had things to do and had to break the news to Harold that we had to take off. He did not want us to leave. Wanted us to have just one more drink. Lots of fun and lots of blog material.
ALMOST FORGOT!!! WE HAVE PICTURES THAT I WILL PUT ON LATER. YOU ARE GONNA LOVE'EM.
Before SUCK BANG AND BLOW we took a side trip. We saw two signs together pointing to a Craft Show and a Dog Park. OH GOD, I love Dog Parks. The first one I had ever been to was in Los Angeles. Karman and I went to one and it was so much fun. We went w/o a dog. Today we went straight for the dog park. I was so excited I almost ran over some old man. He didn't look too friendly anyway. We parked the car and two women parked on either side of us. Big dog in each car. I could hardly wait to get in the gate. Smart people built that park, not one but two gates to actually get into the small dog park and the big dog park. Well you all know me well enough to know that I was waving and grinning and all the dogs. A lab and a beagle came running towards us up the sidewalk. Helllllllllo, I said and then I noticed the lab was covered with mud. The beagle was clean and precious. He just wanted a hug and a pat. As we got closer to their owners (women) sitting on a bench, we saw where the dark mud came from. Their automatic watering bowl. Huge bowl with a pipe and handle and if the bowl emptied you could refill. Of course if one dog went for water 3 or 4 went. We patted the beagle for a few moments and he got distracted and took off. I heard a snort behind me and there were 3 boston bull terriers behind us. I was going to take their picture but they found a ball and off they went. Their daddy saw I was trying to take their picture and got their asses back of there and had them SIT. While there a beautiful shi-szu (black and white) saddled up and tried to steal the ball and the race was on. It was chilly and I had on shorts and a tank top so we headed back to the car and stopped and visited with poodles on the other side of the fence as we went. What a fun place to go, even without a dog. If you really would like to have a dog to play with but don't have the space, or for some other reason -- find a dog park and go there every day. It will make you smile and make your heart feel warm. Every town should have one.
Then as we moved our car away from the dog park we went to the craft show. There is nothing to say -- it was mediocre.
Well for God's sake. Something really important happened at the beginning of the week. I had a birthday. How in the hell could I omit that? On Monday, the 16th I had my 66th birthday. I was so excited. I not only got E-mail cards, cards in the mail, but I got flowers. I was so surprised. The doorbell rang about 11 a.m. and earlier that day a man had come to spray for bugs. So we had no idea who this was. It was a guy with flowers for Gail. WHOOPEE.... who would send me flowers here. I hurried back into the living room and jerked the card open -- they were from Patti Reilly and Kelly Ford and they live in Boston. How sweet. I immediately wrote them a thank you card. God, I love to get flowers and yet I think it's a waste of money, but I love to send them too. About an hour later the doorbell rang once again and Judy and I made some joke about more flowers -- guess what, IT WAS MORE FLOWERS. Karman and Bridget sent me flowers too. I told Karman when I spoke to her that they were absolutely gorgeous lillys and roses and then I sent both Karman and Bridget and Patti and Kelly a picture of their flowers. Hopefully I will get pixs of those attached here too. Frank and Laura called to wish me a Happy Birthday too. They also sent me a talking card from Timmmmmmmy of South Park. Love that South Park.
TO BE CONTINUED
Somewhere down the road Judy said that she was hearing a funny noise. I told her she was deaf. She has a terrible head cold, sinus infection or allergies. She had to rake and blow her leaves the weekend we were to leave and all the dust went up into her damn brain. She rode with me with toilet paper sticking out of each nostril to prevent her nose from dripping on her clothes. She said it only drips if I bend my head over. I told her to quit bending her damned head over. You can hear the laughter now. What a pretty sight we must have been. Two fat women, speeding down the road, loud music coming from within this hot rod and the blond riding shotgun had a wad of toilet paper hanging out of each nostril. No wonder men were trying to pick us up everywhere we went. Hell, we hadn’t even gotten to the Beach yet. Wait till the Bikers saw us.
Anyway, back to the noise. Judy says is that a plane? Do you think a plane could be tracking our every move? If we go to our condo and come out and the plane is circling then they are after us. I said there is no damned airplane. She said WHAT, then what is that noise I hear. I said it is your fuckn head roaring. She said Shut up, Gail -- Is it your tires? I said I don’t hear anything unusual. She said, in her LOUD/HATEFUL VOICE, Gail YOU ARE DEAF!! Then she gets worried it is a tire, or maybe a bearing. God, she isn’t going to quit till I stop the damned car.
I continue to drive and we are tapping our toes to the music and I see a sign that reads N.C. Zoo. I have heard it is a great zoo. We never stop once we get in the car to go somewhere and we have said we are going to do better. So unbeknownst to Judy I take the exit and she is alarmed because it was not her idea. She thinks the worst. That’s what the shotgun rider is supposed to do, I think. Or be like a girl scout and always be prepared. She wanted to know what the hell I was doing. Told her I was going to the N.C. Zoo. She told me I was loosing it and it was all because of my new medication. Also, that new medication was making me HATEFUL! We drive a short distance down a two-lane road, hang a right and see a sign that reads Zoo straight ahead. As I start down the road Judy said Gail, I’m not kidding, something is seriously wrong. The airplane is back and you need to stop this damned car. So I stopped the damned car, right in the middle of the road. (of course, I looked in the mirror first, I am always aware of my surroundings). She uttered some unrepeatable words after her whiplash and we sat there laughing for a few minutes and she once again told me how hateful I was. So we continued down the road and there was a church and a parking lot and it was Sunday and there were some guys standing around smoking. You know where I go, right….. Sure you do... into that parking lot like a bat out of hell.
Judy yells, where are you --- God, why? I said well you want someone to check the tires and by God, there stand two men. She said well, they need to run along beside the car as we drive to see the tires. WTF???? I never heard of that. But where I am HATEFUL -- SHE IS ALL KNOWING (or a know it all). So these to guys are hanging outside the church with their shirttails out, bellies over their belts and cigarettes dangling from their lips. As we rumble up beside of them they both take the cigarettes out of their mouths and I roll down the window to ask them to run along beside of us in the parking lot and I get tickled and only get would you run along beside me out and Judy has to finish the sentence and she was tickled too. Now anyone could tell that these good ole boys hadn’t run anywhere for a long time. They weren’t that old, but they hadn’t run. You could look at the size of the belly hanging over the belt, the hem of the pants under their shoe heel wasn’t even worn out and the crotch in their pants was way to low to allow them to run fast, much less beside a car in a church parking lot.
The good ole boys took a deep drag, at the same time, off their cigarettes and said which tire? Since I am the HATEFUL one, and was in a church parking lot, I said HELL, WE DON’T KNOW, check ‘em all. Judy and I were ready to explode. They walked in front of my car, stood in front of the left front wheel and said THIS 'UN HAS SOME SLACK. I said WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT? The other one said THIS 'UN HAS SOME SLACK. He took his lead from the first guy I think. I said WHAT THE HELL IS SLACK (remember still in a church parking lot, but I am HATEFUL, because of medication only). They looked at each other and then one of them said you need some air. We tried to look serious and thanked them. They stuck out their chests, as if they had done something. They were proud. I put the car in gear, revved it up, and off we went. We laughed as we headed down the road. When we came to the fork in the road we saw a little country filling station. SHAZAM it had an air tank too. For seventy-five cents we could get 5 minutes of air. The wind was chilly and I jumped out (cause I am fast on my feet) and read the instructions, Judy handed me 3 quarters and I took the cover off of the tire nozzle. Bending over on my head was a treat, and no way could I make that air hose fit on the nozzle. I started cussing, as air was coming out of the tire and the tire didn’t even look like it needed air. What the hell was wrong with me? Why did I immediately start putting air in the tire they said had some slack? It was contagious? Judy heard the cussing and came to my rescue.
I am not sure if I have ever said this before but Judy is really particular about her hair. If you have seen my pictures you can tell that I am not. So here we are, both standing on our heads looking at the tire, she is trying to get the gauge on the nozzle and I see her hair sprayed hair blow from the back of her head over the top of her head and cover her face. I start laughing hysterically, because I am hateful (only because of my medication).
Back on the road and the noise (or airplane following above) is still with us. I told Judy that she really needs to draw a good breath and talk about something besides that damn sound for awhile. We actually made good time this trip. Didn't even need a map nor the GPS. Drove right up to our condo building but knew that we had to drive to the garage underneath to unload everything. I hate parking garages. So down the ramp we go, find the place where the buggies and luggage carts are located and take deep, deep breaths. This garage is open to the ocean in the back and it is really cold and the wind is whipping our hair back and forth, and especially Judy's hair. I have to look away from her and stifle a laugh. My car's shocks must have been pushed to the limit. We made 6 trips with the luggage and grocery carts. We had very little food and more plastic bags than luggage. Once we unloaded everything on the 6th floor we headed back to move the car in front of the condo.
We hurriedly unpacked (I have no idea why), and hooked up our computers. Judy's first move was to call her daughter and tell her we made it and all about the noise. That only worried her daughter that we would probably be killed around town or on our way home. The good thing was that her daughter knew some people who had moved here and was going to see if they had found someone to do their car work yet. BEHOLD! BEHOLD! They had. She got their number.
The next day we did some touring and shopping and as we were passing a Walmart I made a quick turn and went into their garage. A mechanic came out and I asked him to check our tires. Before he could speak Judy starts telling him about this airplane noise. He stops her (FINALLY SOMEONE COULD) and checks our tires. He told me the front two were a starting to pull apart (with dry rot) and were out of alignment and one had a roofing nail in it. The back two were in pretty bad shape as well. He told us he would see what kind of tires he had that would fit my DINGBAT MOBILE. He only had Goodyear tires. Judy said HELL NO that she did NOT like Goodyear tires and that she had Michelin tires. I went to get something out of the trunk while he and Judy spoke. I got in and Judy said “he whispered that we should go to Sears because he doesn't like Goodyear tires either”. I know that guy is still trying to figure out which one of us owns the car and which one SHOULD be making the decisions.....
Our next mission was to find Sears 2 blocks away before 7 p.m. It was then 5 p.m. We found a Sears representative who was a native Virginian. After giving him a hard time for 15 minutes and making him talk to my son, Frank, for another 15 minutes about matching INTERNET prices, we walked next door to the mall and were told to return in 1 hr and 15 minutes. While we were gone they were installing some Japanese tires and I bought 3 and got 1 free. YAYYYYY for Frank. I managed to use my credit card several times in the mall and Judy sat inside the Mall in a comfy chair and “rested her eyes”. We picked up the car and paid over $500 and hit the road again. After about 20 minutes on the road that damned airplane was back over top of us again. After a few expletives we decided to get a few groceries. Judy was not happy. Hell, I was the one who had just spent $500, talk about unhappy. As I pulled into the grocery store parking lot the “low tire” light came on and I went CRAZY. New tires and the LOW TIRE LIGHT comes on. I called Sears and told them through clenched teeth about the problem They said if it doesn't go off automatically bring it by tomorrow. They did not know we were 30 miles away from their shop nor did they give a shit.
The next morning we called the shop that had been recommended to us. They said certainly, they would be happy to check our car out. Judy and I both though, yea I bet you will be. They gave Judy the directions and off we went. We were also going to meet a friend of ours who had just arrived here the night before. The Carolina Car Care (CCC) Garage was located in a Town called Murrells Inlet. We had certainly been there before, been lost there before and had eaten bad food there before. It's not a very big place, but big enough for us to get lost. So Jimmy, our new friend at the CCC Garage and Judy had a plan. We drove to Murrels Inlet and finally ran out of road. Then Judy and I had a few words about her not understanding directions. We turned around and headed back to the main highway. She called Jimmy again. He asks her where we are at that time. She tells him we are at the HOT FISH HOUSE. He asked if we were eating? Judy assured him we were not but we were still lost. He also did not recognize the name of any of the places she mentioned. OH GOD, PLEASE HELP ME – DON'T LET ME KILL EITHER OF THEM TODAY! Judy had called him at least 5 times within the hour. By this time, we were almost back to the main road and I saw a Gun Shop with men on the front porch and I made a quick turn into their drive. There were at least 7 men on the porch and I made Judy ask for directions. So they sent one of their younger fellows out. I could see his elbows working, his bulging stomach and could hear him. I heard him give her directions 3 times but could not tell which was he was pointing. As we headed out of their lot I had to stop for traffic. I noticed an old car I had commented on when we first went down that road. So I was giving it the eye again and realized it was parked in front of a Biker's Bar I have heard about for years but had never seen. The name of the Bar is “SUCK, BANG AND BLOW” Is that cool or what? So I was really stoked. So at the traffic light I asked Judy which way were we supposed to go? She got upset and said you heard him too. Then I knew we were in trouble. I told her I had heard him but I didn't know which way his arms were pointing as he talked and since her head was laying on his belly, surely she must have seen the direction he pointed. So she was huffy and said take a left. We did and of course after 20 miles we knew that was wrong. I said that I was going to turn around an go back to that traffic light and rather than turn left, as we had done, I was going to go through it. Well I made the turn too quickly but knew how to get back where I wanted to be. So I had never been told the street name or road name just places to turn. HOW STUPID.
So I was now on a different highway and I pulled over into the lot of a STRIP JOINT. I took the phone and called the CCC Garage. Jimmy answered the phone. I said “Jimmy, different woman, but same car.” I am at the Pink Pony Strip Joint, where the hell are you? He said FANTASTIC. Get out of that lot, go to the light and across that highway (straight across) and you will pass two buildings (which he named) and our garage is on the left. I said, “OK JIMMY, I WANT YOU TO STAND OUT AT THE ROAD AND WHEN YOU SEE AND HEAR A SILVER IMPALA WITH TWO GOOD LOOKIN WOMEN HEADING YOUR WAY, YOU HAD BETTER JUMP UP AND DOWN AND WAVE YOUR ARMS. He said YES MAM! Guess, what. He sure did. I had told Judy that if I did not like the looks of the place I would keep on going, without even slowing down, even if he was jumping up and down. I liked the looks of the garage and pulled into the driveway. Judy had almost told him twice on the phone that she that she thought it was a wheel bearing and I kept saying shhhhhhh, shut up, let them figure it out and she would be quiet. Jimmy wanted to ride in the car with us and he gets in the back seat. He let us know he wanted to enjoy the vision of riding with two beautiful women. Did I mention that Jimmy was also full of shit? Then he wanted to know if we were sisters. I said NO and Judy said YES. He said well, I'm confused. Then we laughed and told him NO. So the minute we took off, Judy spilled her guts about thinking it was a wheel bearing and that's what my son thought too. I said JESUS CHRIST. You should have waited to see if they were smart enough to figure it out by themselves. He said yes, mam – you are so right about that. So we drove around and he listened. Then he told me I drove too fast, and he tried to tell me when to put on my signal light. I told him he needed to be quiet and he laughed and said he would. Judy told him I was hateful and she thought it was mainly because of my medication but that I was hateful anyway.
We finally arrived back at his shop and I ask for a price quote. He gave me one of $219. I told him I would check with my son and call him the next day. It was almost 10 a.m. by the time I had showered and dressed and run it by Frank and Judy had run it by her mechanic at home. Everyone agreed that was a good price and to have it done. Hell, Frank said I should have them both done, because the other one would certainly be going soon. If he had sent me $219 I probably would have. but he didn't so I had them buy one bearing. Jimmy said he would go pick up the part and how long would it take me to get “there today”? I said well I am 30 some miles away and hopefully I won't get lost, but I'm not making promises. I hope to make it by 10:30. Before I left the house I asked Judy whether or not I should take the Bypass or go the way we went yesterday (stupid of me). No, No – don't take the bypass she said. So I ended up where we were yesterday. But remembered we hadn't gone far enough the first time. So I went 10 more miles and realized I was on my way to Charleston, S.C. God, I was mad. So I turned around, headed back the way I had come and I was looking for the Pink Pony. I never saw the damn place. I pulled into the Post Office and called Jimmy. He heard my voice and laughed. I said Dammit Jimmy, this isn't funny. He asked where we were. I said I AM ALONE THIS TIME. I told him I was at the post office by the Japanese restaurant. He said UT OH, you've gone too far. I had a few choice words then. He said it's okay honey, turn around, go through two traffic lights and under the overpass and at the 3rd light you will see the road. I said hell, I have been that way and did not see any overpass. He said well it's there. Okay, I turn around and go through the lights and did not see any overpass but by God I WAS headed to Charleston again. Then, Jimmy called me and said “WHERE YOU AT” and I told him I was headed south towards Charleston. He said Law, that is wrong. I thought you was headed North. I asked why the hell he would think that? He said he was so sorry. Well for me to turn around and keep coming back till I did see the overpass and when the road splits for me to GO UNDER THE OVERPASS. So sure enough, this time I saw it and what do you think I did? Take a guess, please take a guess, I took a right and did not go under the overpass. I kid you not. WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME. Been around Judy too long, I think. So I knew that there wasn't that much distance between the two roads and I cut through two hamburger joints and a mall and was right across from the PINK PONY. HURRAY. As I pulled into the CCC Garage, I blew the horn all the way to the front door.
Now for the story on our residence for a month. We usually stay at The Regency Towers, older condos but very nice and we like the people who stay there and the guys at the front desk (they are young, of course we like 'em. Judy had made our reservations last year as usual and later on in 2009 we checked the computer and looked at photos of all the condos and tried to choose one had not stayed in before. So that done we started saving our money for the fall. Around August Judy called and said "you are gonna be pissed". Then she told me why. Well, she was right and I was. The Regency had won a lawsuit and the plan was to revamp the place. Not only were they resurfacing the whole outside of the building which looked like a sprayed on stucco, but they were tearing out the old railings along the outdoor walkways on each floor, fixing the balcony railings and LOW AND BEHOLD, in the two-bedroom condos the master suite would now have a whole outer wall of ceiling to floor windows. You can look out and think you are standing on a rooftop looking at the ocean. Oh it is beautiful. The fellows gave us a key to check one out and now we are so anxious to be there next year. Where was I? Oh I know....the new place we are in is a RESORT. Right.
Judy had been on Craig's List looking for another place for us to stay and found a lady who had a condo near North Myrtle (which Judy does not like) for rent. Judy advised her that we were coming down her the first of October looking for a place and if possible we would stop by. She lives in Fairfax and said that was fine she would be here anyway. So we looked at about 10 places (through realtors) and they did not measure up to we had become accustomed to. We like a lobby, desk clerks, and guards, and a locked lobby. On our way to Ocean Creek Resort for our appointment, we stopped at two really nice, new condos that had good prices and told them we would come back for the tour after we were finished. Mistake, (I made a snappy decision). MY FAULT.
We found the Ocean Creek Resort and had to stop at a Guard Shack and let them do a PAP SMEAR before we could enter (joke) and drove back to the Condos. There were many different facilities as we drove down the road. There were tennis apartments, wooden lodges, conference centers, restaurants, and a North Tower and a South Tower. We were meeting in the North Tower. Judy either didn't have the directions with the room number or had stored it in her MEMORY BANK (which had just just down due to power outage). She thought maybe the floor was 6 but the letter that followed the 6 was what was giving her the problem. Aha, she decides it is A. Now these condos have plantation doors on the outside of the condo door. Is that stupid or what? If your plantation door is locked how in the hell can you see through the peep hole to see who is knocking? Poor planing on someone's part. So of course we are snickering all the way to the door and Judy wants me to knock and I tell to knock since it is her plan. I said open the damn door so she can see who it is. The woman's voice on the other side of the door says "who is it" -- Judy, the smart one, says "Maya" (the woman we were to meet) and the woman once again says "who is it" and Judy says "Maya it's Judy." Okay by then I need a bathroom because I am so tickled at how stupid Judy is acting. She could have said Judy and Gail here for our 2 p.m. appointment. But nooooo. She rode that little yellow bus for too many years. The woman opens the door with that deer in the headlight look and says she thinks we are at the wrong apartment. I wanted to say YA THINK? So Judy thanks her and we turn around and burst out laughing and I called her a bunch of names and Judy was explaining to me why she did that. It made perfect sense to her...So as we are arm in arm stumbling back up the hall, Maya comes out of her condo which is H (sounds like A, doesn't it). Said she thought she heard something and plus we had called her from the parking lot. I guess had she known how stupid we were she would have met us in the lobby. She got a good laugh out of our blunder as well. She even said we were a lot of fun, she could tell. Wonder if it was the drool running out of the corners of our mouth or the pee running down our legs?
So Maya took us into her beautiful summer place. She did not have an ocean front, but an ocean view. Her balcony seemed to wrap around the whole building. Party, Party. She explained that we were in the North Tower and across the creek there was the South Tower. Several times we talked about the South Tower, she pointed out their pool, and talked about the SWASH where the water from the ocean comes up over part of the sand and has cut a small stream in between another condo tower partially in front of us. There were some men gigging flounder as we watched. You will understand the reason to my madness of talking about the South Tower so much in a moment. So we were on the balcony for 10-15 minutes as she pointed out the outdoor pool for the North Tower, the outdoor pool for the South door that also had a heated indoor pool that opened into it. Then she grabs a ring of keys and off we go to look at not just one condo but four.
Maya explains that people were impressed with the way she had been able to keep the condos rented and they had asked her to rent theirs as well so they didn't have to go through a rental agency. So we looked at the first three and they were nice but we didn't like the furniture (not comfy) or something. Women can always find something to bitch about. But the last one, that we had come to look at in the first place was the one she said was hard to rent. It had belonged to an older couple and they were both dead and the son lived in Idaho and never got down her and did not want to sell it yet. So she asked if we wanted to make an offer. Well it was nice, it had some furniture like I had from my mother's and I don't even like antiques. It was my turn to get the master suite anyway and it had a huge balcony, the swash, pools, etc. Soooo, rather than discuss it and get back to her or discuss it with Judy when she said make me an offer -- Damnit, I did and she said SOLD! At that time I was so proud. We gave her a deposit and could rest easy now that we had our place for November.
So we arrived, and the 2nd day in between car trouble and garages and mechanics I decided to check out the pool. Judy said well we are going out anyway, why don't we drive over there and check it out. Sure sounded like a plan. We drove over and went in and didn't see a damned soul. We got on the elevator and realized there was no pool or garage level? So we open the elevator door and got back out. I smelled chlorine and we walked towards some steps and I told Judy to case the joint while I go down the steps. Down there I found a 3 foot deep pool with an opening to the outdoor pool and a hot tub. The pool was cold. There were two women sitting around the pool but they never saw me. So I grunt and moan and pull myself up those steps and tell Judy that is no pool and let's get out of there. I was really getting pissed by then. On our way to town, I bitched a whole lot.
That night I was still pissed. So I fixed a glass of wine and wrote Maya. She is very nice and wrote right back. She apologized for the oversight and the misunderstanding and wanted to tell me where the heated, indoor pool, for everyone was. Ahhhhhh, now I had a glass of wine and a smile on my face. All was well, I was happy again, Judy was happy if I was happy.
The next morning after breakfast, I finally got my swimsuit up over hips and put my straw hat on my head, got my towel, my beach cover up on and off I go. I thought I had those directions down pat. HA What the hell. I followed the walkway to the sign that read PRIVAT PROPERTY: SOUTH TOWER PROPERTY GUESTS ONLY. Well, maybe I go around that South Tower -- no, that is marsh and I sure as hell am not walking through snake country. Damnit, well maybe I need go go through the South Tower -- It is such a warm and friendly place. As I walked to the front doors, where we had been before the sign reads: PRIVATE PROPERTY, SOUTH TOWER RESIDENTS ONLY. Now I am no longer concerned, I am really pissed off. I stand there for a few moments and I see a wall phone with everyone's number on it and then I see SECURITY #0. Security will help, right -- that's what they get paid for. The conversation follows: HIM: SECURITY ME: Sir, I am at the entrance to the South Tower and I am staying at the North Tower. Where is the community pool? HIM: You are trespassing. Get off that property at once. ME: I would like to but first I need to find the pool. HIM: It is up beside the restaurant and then he slammed the phone down. COLOR ME REALLLY, REALLLY PISSED!
I truly had to get myself under control or someone was gonna die or get hurt. I was seething and sweating profusely. I had my phone but was tooo mad to call Judy and share with her. So I start walking. I didn't know where the damned restaurant was. This property is all wooded and the main road is a 1 1/2 lane paved road that runs in and out of the property. There are signs pointing to West Lodge, East Lodge, Tennis Court, Outdoor Pool, Conference Center, Security..... So I started walking slowly and stopped and watched a couple of squirrels playing just to keep from crying (I was reallly pissed). Then I see a sign that reads 4 Seasons Restaurant. Okay, I must be near the pool, here is the restaurant. I go in the restaurant and it is empty. They have those containers with burners under them all set up, lit, tables set, music playing, a TV on in the bar but not one fucking soul was anywhere to be found. I went everywhere but into the bathrooms or kitchen. I knew I was going to start fuming all over again.
I manage to get out in the parking lot of the restaurant before I call Judy. Then I was furious again. Judy listened while called the Security guy everything but a WHITE MAN and I was headed toward the SECURITY GUARD SHACK and I was loaded for bear.
So I get huffing and puffing and looking for the indoor pool. I happened to see two elderly ladies walking towards me. I just stopped and waited for them to get closer to me. They were all smiles and asked if I was lost. Thank goodness I was able to bite my tongue. I said I was just walking around looking for the pool. They told me to walk with them and they would take me right to it. I tried to slow my breathing down so they wouldn't think I was having a heart attack. It took us about 15 minutes and I'll be damned, nowhere near the restaurant, but behind the Library, was the pool. I thanked them and walked towards the pool. I got inside and looked around. Not impressive. The pool was grungy looking and there was a fellow climbing out and heading towards the hot tub. I unloaded everything on a table and got my purple noodle and got into the semi-warm pool. When someone tells me a pool is heated, I think that is at least lukewarm. NOT! I get into the pool looking around for roaches and bugs. Didn't see any bugs. I did swim under the rope separating deep water from shallow. So I was still trying to calm down and the water was doing it. I started doing some water aerobics and loosening up. Getting somewhat happier by the minute. Every now and then I would glance around to see where the hot tub fellow had gone to. Too many women are being abducted or killed to suit me so I am careful of my surroundings. I heard a big splash and saw him getting out of the hot tub. I was thinking I probably couldn't fight him off in the water, but I could gouge his eyes out and scratch him with my fake nails. "Yea, Come Get You Some". Well he jumped in and I knew this was it. He looked at me and asked if I minded if he unhooked the rope. I thought this is it! He is going to try and strangle me with it and drown me. So I said help yourself and I started backing up like a crab. Nails are ready to tear him apart at any given moment still. As he unhooks the rope, the outside door opens and the custodian comes in and they speak to each other. Oh My God, they have been sitting in wait for their prey -- I walked into their trap. They talk for a few minutes and the custodian goes upstairs to a closet and I am holding my breath. He comes back down the steps with a rag in his hand and he is pouring something all over it. OH MY GOD, it is probably ether or something to keep me quiet. They continue talking about some woman's birthday party that night at the conference center and the custodian is walking around the pool to my side. I do the crab crawl sideways. The custodian picks up the rope with the buoys on it and starts cleaning the chlorine off of them. Hmmm, he wasn't going to try to abduct me after all. It was a good damned thing -- cause he was going to be seriously disfigured when I got finished with him. My God, I could not relax at all. Then I noticed another splash and the hot tub guy is getting out of the pool. My guard goes up again. He walks over to the shower and starts rinsing off. He was taking too much time to suit me -- just to wash the chlorine off. So I have my eyes on both of them and get the hell out of the pool. The hot tub guy is toweling off and putting on his shorts and flip flops and leaving me in there with the custodian with the ether. I grabbed my hat, got my shoes on and got out of there. Walked down the sidewalk the same way the women were heading when they dropped me off. I could then see the path to my condo building. THANK YOU JESUS. I haven't been back to the pool but I intend to. The one nice thing (there is only one nice thing about that pool) is that there is a huge window on the back and you can see the birds and squirrels in the live oak trees looking at you.
When that ordeal was over I came home, mixed a drink and relayed it all to Judy. She felt sorry for me (sure she did). She said from now on I will go sit with you so you feel safe and keep you company. Now her favorite thing to do is read and sit in an easy chair and there is no easy chair at that nasty pool. So far I have not been back up there but I do plan to. After going through all that with the assine security guard, finding the pool, the pool and everything else I wrote to Maya and ask if she would refund our money. I explained the reasons to her and she said certainly that she didn't want anyone to be unhappy. She said she would be coming down here the next day and would refund the money. Judy and I went out that night and discussed the pros and cons and decided it was not worth it to pack, move and unpack all this stuff again. So I sent her another e-mail and told her we would stay. She was so happy and knew we were gonna like it once we gave it a chance. FAT ASS CHANCE. So here we are.
Yesterday was fun. After lunch we decided to get out and do some shopping, spend some coins at the Flea Market where we could buy some more of our favorite knives. Especially since Judy packed hers and left them at home. I packed Mrs. Butterworth's Syrup and Mustard and left it at home too. So we purchased some syrup, knives and mustard. I was out of cash and had to find an ATM and Judy was famished and wanted to have a veggie burger. I had fixed them at home the night before. So we went to Cheeseburger in Paradise. Not as good as mine and cost a hell of a lot more too. We were craving sugar so we made a quick stop at a Krispy Kreme for some donuts to grill in the frying pan -- YUMMMMMM YUMMMMMM. Actually that was our 2nd trip to KK. When we took our friend to the Olive Garden we stopped at Krispy Kreme because the RED HOT NOW light was on. We can never pass that up. Hell, I have run across median strips to reach a KK that had the red hot light on. So Janis and Judy were a little alarmed when I made a quick turn into the parking lot. There was one couple in the shop drinking coffee. I jumped out to get us each 1 HOT glazed donut. As I got almost to the front door a car pulled up beside mine. I held the door to the KK shut and held up my hand as if I was stopping traffic. I yelled STOP PLEASE. They both looked at me. Judy and Janis started shaking their heads and laughing. The woman laughed and the man did not. I said stay inside your car please. THERE ARE NO DONUTS AT THIS TIME. STAY INSIDE YOUR CAR. THEN I RAN INSIDE AND HELD THE DOOR TO KEEP THE WOMAN OUT. She was busting a gut laughing. I let her in and she said she could tell I liked to have fun, just like her. She had spent the day with her mother-in-law and husband in Charleston and almost killed both of them. Tomorrow as her day ALONE! I saw the Krispy Kreme hats and we each put one on. The lady waiting on us was so tickled. She said ya'll know this is fun. I had already raised hell with her because she said the HOT DONUTS wouldn't be ready for 4 minutes. I said you should never turn that red light on till you take the first hot donut out. She said ok. So I grabbed my $20 worth of donuts (not just one hot one each) and wore my hat out and made Judy and Janis put one on too. They were still laughing. They wanted to know what that woman said because they did see her laughing. Janis said while I was doing all that crazy stuff the husband was breathing oxygen or something out of a hose he was holding over his mouth. I said maybe he thought it was a HOLD UP. He should have driven off. That's what I would have done if my husband had gotten out when some crazy woman was saying stop, stop.
NOVEMBER 21, 2009
Today is Saturday and we have pretty much been slugs the whole week. On Thursday night we decided we would mail some cards, buy a wedding gift for the Police Chief of Monroe County, who married a cop in Arizona. She surprised us with an e-mail of wedding pictures. She is one smart cookie, that Debra. After shopping Judy needed some ribs so off to Sticky Fingers we went. OH MY GOD, that place smells terrific. Did I mention that the first time we saw the place we thought it was a bakery and almost turned the car over getting to it. Well by now you all know it is a bbq place. Reminds Judy of the ribs we ate in Memphis, home of bbq ribs. From eating ribs we went to Barefoot Landing shopping. That is almost across the street from our "Resort". We shopped around there, I bought some glittery earrings for the girls at the shop where I have my nails done and then we came home and relaxed. You get so tired when you do nothing. On Friday I made another trip to a new grocery store (for me, at least) a Bi-Lo. Needed some whole cloves to make pork bbq for sandwiches this week until Thursday, then it is pork tenderloin that we will call turkey. Then on Monday we will be loading up and heading home. I have been bored, no pool.
So today, Saturday we decided we wanted to go back down to Murrells Inlet where we had the wheel bearing put in the tire --- surely you remember that. Judy and I have argued back and forth over instructions ever since. Today I let her tell me over and over til she got really loud the RIGHT way to get there and then I PROVED HER WRONG. SHE IS OVER THE HUMILIATION NOW. I'm still rubbing it in. What are friends for? WHAT?????? Anyway the purpose of today's trip was to take a photo of the Bar, Suck, Bang and Blow. As we head down the road, I almost turned into the Beaver Bar, hot damn, I hadn't even see that one. We were two excited ladies. So I whipped the car into the SB&B Bar and turned the engine off. I grabbed the camera and then we noticed a cute blonde sitting in a rocking chair around a big metal tub. I got out and said "HI" and she said "HI". We asked her name and it was Nikki. I asked if she would take our picture with the Suck, Bang and Blow Bar sign. As she stood up and walked towards us we could tell she had been drinking. I handed her the camera and told her what we wanted. She slurred when she said sure. Well the first picture she took only got part of the sign and not the SB&B part. I had to reprimand her and she said ok, she would do better. So she had us move to higher ground and sure enough that picture was good. We asked if she would take another picture of us with the Beaver Bar sign behind us. There were some bikers in that lot and she wanted to call them over. We said HELL NO, take the picture and be quiet (I said that, not Judy).
As we headed back towards our car she spotted a "sissy" bike and she said ya'll get on that and I will take your pictures. I said NO that is a sissy bike. Ok, she said I will get on it and you all stand beside it. We said no, we didn't want that bike in our pictures. As we continue back towards our car I saw an old antique ford that had caught my eye once before. I said I want a picture of that. She said good, get in it and I will take your picture. I said Hell No. I have no idea who that car belongs to. As we were arguing over who was going to get in the antique (which was probably locked) I saw a long haired blonde guy amble out and lean on a table and watch us. I thought either this is his car, he is trouble or wants to fight. Judy and I were laughing at Nikki telling her if she got in that damned car we were not going to take her picture but would once the POLICE ARRIVED.
By then the blonde guy was beside us. He had had his share of booze too. His shirt was opened and he had a big grin on his face and a smoker's gravely voice. He said HEY YALL. WHAT'S UP. Then Nikki introduced us to her husband, Harold.
He laughed all the time. He said for us to take a picture of him by the car. Then Harold said he wanted to take his clothes off -- I said drop 'em. Nikki said no Harold, No. Harold was going to drop 'em but I was busy turning my camera back on and had I been quicker, guess what we could be looking at now! Harold insisted on taking a picture of the three of us girls and then insisted on buying us a beer inside Suck, Bang and Blow.
Well, what the hell -- there were no cars or bikes in the parking lot so surely we would be safe in the hands of two drunks. We walked in to a huge dark room, tables loosely scattered around the room, music playing, a porn movie playing on a TV on a wall behind the bar. So Harold got some more bar stools and we all "bellied" up to the bar. Harold called the female bartender Baby and told her to give the two ladies whatever they wanted to drink, "on him". YAYYYYY. The bartender had a butterfly patch at the corner of her mouth and a bruised mouth. I really wanted to know what happened to her. Judy and I both ordered long neck Budweisers and the bartender popped the tops and set them up on the bar for us. Harold was so happy and couldn't quit grinning. He first asked where we were from. I told him Virginia. He said oh, like "BY GOD, VIRGINIA"? I told him that was "WEST BY GOD, VIRGINIA". We all had a huge laugh over that one. He had never heard of Blacksburg, but he had heard of Michael Vick and the dog fighting!!! Harold looked over at Judy and said Damn, you know who you look like? Judy said who? He told her CHER? Judy said I think you must be blind. He said No, you do, especially with those sunglasses on. Judy replied, I look more like Sonny and that got a huge laugh out of everyone. For a few minute Nikki and Harold talked to each other and Judy was watching Harold smoke his Marlboro cigarette. She said damn, I want a cigarette. I said hell no. She said yes I do and as she reached over I tried to hold her back. Harold looked around and said what you want Baby? Judy said I am dying for a cigarette. Well GOD. Rather than giving her a cigarette -- Harold gives her the one out of his mouth. I would have said, I just changed my mind -- but noooo, not Judy. She took that damned cigarette and took a deep drag off of it and blew the smoke a mile up in the air. I told Harold that the last time she smoked a cigarette she threw up off her deck. He said "did you Judy"? She laughed and said yes. He laughed even harder. (On our way home I asked Judy how she could take that cigarette that had been in his mouth? She laughed and said Hell Gail, the beer would kill any germs on the cigarette). She is a wild one. He really liked Judy. While we sat and chatted, there were two guys on the other side of the bar. One of them bought Harold and Vikki a beer. I am sure they did it to impress us. Harold wanted us to take a picture of him and we did. We had things to do and had to break the news to Harold that we had to take off. He did not want us to leave. Wanted us to have just one more drink. Lots of fun and lots of blog material.
ALMOST FORGOT!!! WE HAVE PICTURES THAT I WILL PUT ON LATER. YOU ARE GONNA LOVE'EM.
Before SUCK BANG AND BLOW we took a side trip. We saw two signs together pointing to a Craft Show and a Dog Park. OH GOD, I love Dog Parks. The first one I had ever been to was in Los Angeles. Karman and I went to one and it was so much fun. We went w/o a dog. Today we went straight for the dog park. I was so excited I almost ran over some old man. He didn't look too friendly anyway. We parked the car and two women parked on either side of us. Big dog in each car. I could hardly wait to get in the gate. Smart people built that park, not one but two gates to actually get into the small dog park and the big dog park. Well you all know me well enough to know that I was waving and grinning and all the dogs. A lab and a beagle came running towards us up the sidewalk. Helllllllllo, I said and then I noticed the lab was covered with mud. The beagle was clean and precious. He just wanted a hug and a pat. As we got closer to their owners (women) sitting on a bench, we saw where the dark mud came from. Their automatic watering bowl. Huge bowl with a pipe and handle and if the bowl emptied you could refill. Of course if one dog went for water 3 or 4 went. We patted the beagle for a few moments and he got distracted and took off. I heard a snort behind me and there were 3 boston bull terriers behind us. I was going to take their picture but they found a ball and off they went. Their daddy saw I was trying to take their picture and got their asses back of there and had them SIT. While there a beautiful shi-szu (black and white) saddled up and tried to steal the ball and the race was on. It was chilly and I had on shorts and a tank top so we headed back to the car and stopped and visited with poodles on the other side of the fence as we went. What a fun place to go, even without a dog. If you really would like to have a dog to play with but don't have the space, or for some other reason -- find a dog park and go there every day. It will make you smile and make your heart feel warm. Every town should have one.
Then as we moved our car away from the dog park we went to the craft show. There is nothing to say -- it was mediocre.
Well for God's sake. Something really important happened at the beginning of the week. I had a birthday. How in the hell could I omit that? On Monday, the 16th I had my 66th birthday. I was so excited. I not only got E-mail cards, cards in the mail, but I got flowers. I was so surprised. The doorbell rang about 11 a.m. and earlier that day a man had come to spray for bugs. So we had no idea who this was. It was a guy with flowers for Gail. WHOOPEE.... who would send me flowers here. I hurried back into the living room and jerked the card open -- they were from Patti Reilly and Kelly Ford and they live in Boston. How sweet. I immediately wrote them a thank you card. God, I love to get flowers and yet I think it's a waste of money, but I love to send them too. About an hour later the doorbell rang once again and Judy and I made some joke about more flowers -- guess what, IT WAS MORE FLOWERS. Karman and Bridget sent me flowers too. I told Karman when I spoke to her that they were absolutely gorgeous lillys and roses and then I sent both Karman and Bridget and Patti and Kelly a picture of their flowers. Hopefully I will get pixs of those attached here too. Frank and Laura called to wish me a Happy Birthday too. They also sent me a talking card from Timmmmmmmy of South Park. Love that South Park.
TO BE CONTINUED
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
ANOTHER TRIP TO MYRTLE BEACH
Well this blog could have another title, it could be WE'RE IN SUNNY SAVANNAH! We were planning to leave Friday morning for Savannah and the Jazz/Blues Festival. It was after midnight when Judy called me and said "is your heart set on Savannah?" I said hell no, my heart doesn't care -- as long as we go somewhere. We were already packed anyway, didn't need to repack a thing.
I go over to pick Judy up and she is ready. We loaded her handbag and computer and our beach chairs, which we always keep in one of our cars -- JUST IN CASE THERE IS WATER AND WE NEED TO SIT AND WATCH IT. So we closed the trunk and hopped in the car and the fun began.
On the way down the Interstate I asked Judy if we were going the same way as last time. If you have read this blog before you know that we never go the same way. NEVER for the past 6 years. I told Judy I know what she is up to. She takes me over the river and thru the woods so I won't know where in the hell I am. She said that was true because she would never allow me to go to the Beach w/o her. FAT ASS CHANCE. The one time I went by myself and she was coming 2 weeks later, I ended up outside of Atlanta. I called Kreg and said I think I'm lost. He screams, "WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU." I had to tell him that was why I was calling him. I had no idea where the hell I was except there was a sign that said Atlanta 10 miles. THAT AIN'T RIGHT!!! He was screaming for me to get off the interstate and pull over and not move the car til he got out a map. I did and he did and I finally go to Myrtle Beach. I spent Christmas there and it was AWESOME.
So back to getting directions from Judy, who periodically nods off. She said well we get off of I-77 and then we take this route and then we will go to another town and get on a different road. Well Hot Damn! We were tooling down the road in my "souped up" Impala and we looked GOOD. We both had on makeup and Jewelry. I mentioned to Judy that we were on a great 10 lane highway. She said this is not right, GET OFF QUICK. I am a pro at making quick exits or u-turns. We realized that we were in Salsbury, N.C. She said God, I have never been here before. Well we are lost again. I said big deal, I will take a left here and go a couple of blocks, take another left and I will be on the road we missed. She said right, sure. She said NO, don't take that turn. Stop, this has got to be wrong. So after about 10 minutes I pulled into a MET LIFE Insurance Office. And asked the receptionist how to get on Rt. 52. She said hmmmmmmmmm, well I don't go that way but I think you can go to Rt 49 and eventually hit.....I said great, thanks a bunch and left that stupid girl. So we decide it's time to get the GPS out of the trunk.
Judy "programmed" the GPS and we're ON THE ROAD AGAIN. The GPS was helpful and took us right where we wanted to go. WE SAID YAYYYYYY!
After we were on the right road and went thru another little town, following Rt 52. Judy said she didn't like this way and to pull over. I just happened to park in a jewelry store parking lot. Some fellow was sweeping the hallway and gave us a funny look. We had decided we needed to take 15 min breaks every hour and a half. So this was a great place. We both hobble out of the car and I pop the trunk to get the map. Then this fellow who was sweeping walks out and says can I help you ladies? Are you lost? I said No, we have a GPS. Then he wanted to know where the hell we were going. Then Judy pops up and starts talking to him. We both noticed his polo shirt had an emblem on it that said Corrections Enterprise. Great, we have a prison guard leaning on the car. He ran his mouth to hear his head roar. God, I needed to find a bathroom and quick. Finally he and Judy argued about traffic on his route. He explained to us that he drove for a living and knew all the best ways. Then he told us how to come back next time, to take a road around Charlotte, blah, blah, blah.
Well we took the road he told us to and that was the road we were planning to take anyway. Judy bitched and moaned that she didn't like this road and that stupid ass didn't know what he was talking about ANNNNNNNDDDDD that she had driven through all those towns and traffic was awful and bumper to bumper, yadda, yadda, yadda.
I cannot remember if we got lost 2 or 3 times before we reached the beach. But we did and we did get to the beach. Took a long time too.
So on our last 20 miles before the beach Judy called the Regency, place we always stay. The reason we are not staying there in November is because they are revamping, resurfacing the outside, new balconies, etc. Also, the big reason is because of Selfish Me. I stay in the pool the whole month we are there. Well they wrote and told us that they were giving us a discount because the pool would be closed Oct and Nov. and because of all the mess and noise. WTF? Anyway, on our way in Judy called the Regency and asked if they would let us stay for 4 nights. They said sure, we will even give you the revamping discount now, since there is so much dust and noise. WELL THAT WAS THE TRUTH. Good God, we could hear ourselves think or talk.
A huge black cloud had followed us for 45 miles and up ahead we saw a beautiful full rainbow -- it was like Alpha and Omega -- a beginning and an end. We were wondering where that pot of gold was. We need the money. We like to live beyond our means anyway. So this cloud is really pretty scary. It just keeps taking over the sky. We had to speed a little in hopes of beating it to our Condo. We beat it and pulled under the big porch/driveway. Thank God, we were living at the foot of the cross. Not a single raindrop fell on us. We go in to see if we could check out several condos because we are very picky. The new desk clerk (who we had never met), Richard said sorry, can't let you have keys until Security arrives. We told him we had been coming there for years and we were trustworthy (asshole). He wouldn't give. Then another friend of ours who works there comes around the corner and see us and yells HHEYYYYYYY LADIES, how are you? Great to see you again..... I look around and see Richard (the clerk) handing us 3 sets of keys to look at different condos. I said what the hell is wrong with you? First we couldn't have the damned keys and now you are giving me 3? He said well when I saw that Tony knew you..... I called him a few names, and smiled and he beamed and I said so you weren't waiting on Security. You wanted to see if we really knew Tony and he said sorry. We grabbed those keys and the first two condos were not that great and smelled like a bar (cigarette smoke). Three's a charm. Oh my God, 906 was beautiful, modern, and very colorful. We rushed back down and told Richard we would take it. He said that was the one I had picked out when Judy called a while ago. It is a nice place. So Judy hands him her credit card and he gives us another key and we go out to unload our stuff.
We had no idea that BLACK CLOUD was hovering over the Regency Towers until we went out the doors to get the car. Now I told you this was a covered drive thru. We walk out those doors and the wind and rain hits us in the face like a hurricane. It backed us up a foot or two. I am laughing out loud as I type this part. I popped the trunk and unlocked the doors and as we walked to the back of the car Judy's hair went straight up in the air and my tank top blew over my head. Oh God, I could cause some man to have a heart attack, especially if they see the spare tire around my waist. I said Judy look and about that time her blouse went over her shoulders. We were both crying hysterically. Judy happened to look in the car window and saw her hair and said God, I look like Clarabell the Clown, all I need is a damned horn. We grabbed a buggy and loaded our stuff and got the hell in the building. Then I realized I had to go park that damn HOT CAR of mine. So Judy heads on up to the room with the bags and cooler and I get in the car and drive around bulldozers and trucks and cranes. No way in hell could I see the numbered parking places and they must have been numbered by a two year old. No rhyme or reason. They range from 105, 706, 409...... each row is that screwed up. So I drive back under the cover and blow the horn. Richard comes out and I said where in the hell am I supposed to park. He said anywhere and I said bullshit. He said well drive to the side there may be a spot under the bldg. I said 10-4 and took off. As I rounded the corner there was a porta potty with the door blown wide open and it was teetering on the edge of the grass and curb. I parked and was under cover til I got back in the building. I told them about the potty and they asked if I would go back out and lock the door. I said yea boys, when monkeys fly and they laughed out loud. Tony said that was mild for her Richard. I gave them both the finger as I got on the elevator and went upstairs with no booze or wine. As I went into the condo Judy said did they tell you to bring your suitcase up, I couldn't manage it. I said a few choice words and back down I went. As the elevator door opened both guys were standing there with my suitcase between them. They said ooops, we were quite finished looking thru it. I said you shouldn't have bothered, there is not underwear in it. As the elevator door closed they were still speechless.
So Judy and I sat down and put our feet up and were so happy to be there. I took a sleeping pill and so did Judy. Mine worked, hers didn't.
We woke up around 11, showered, dressed and headed out to find condos. We looked up and down the beach as we drove. Saw a few and then went to a Real Estate office and got keys to 4 places. Got were they the pitts. Nasty, no lobby, no desk clerk, no security, no locked entrance. They all had dark garages and one of the garages had a huge leak coming thru on the bottom level and it had already formed a pool. Judy said should we call the Real Estate Office. I told her hell no, it wasn't our problem and we sure weren't staying there. Well we were not impressed. Took the keys back and it was time to eat.
So Sunday was lay around the condo all day long and listen to our ITUNES and read. On Monday we were scheduled to go to the Ocean Creek Resort and meet a woman she met on Craig's List. Judy's daughter, Vicky, said she is probably a man and a mass murderer. Ya'll better be careful. The woman was nice and cute and funny. She showed us the 4 condos she rents for the owners when they aren't home. They were beautiful. Wrap around decks and all glass, granite counter tops, nice art, just what the doctor ordered. Butttt, the one drawback was this place was not directly on the beach like we are used to. But it was a good view. Judy said she wasn't sure she could hear the surf...did I tell you earlier in this blog that we are both deaf? Well trust me. So she wants to go out on the balcony to see if she can hear the surf. I almost choked. She came back in and said yep, I hear it. Well we finished looking at the condo and Sheryl, the owner, said make me an offer. Well do you think I consulted with Judy or we said we would get back to her? HELL NO, I said $1200 and she said SOLD! We thought that was a good deal and then I wondered what if I had $900 do you think she would have taken it. Judy shrugged. Sheryl had told us that the couple that owned the condo were from Oregon and the wife was deceased and the husband in a nursing home and the son was left paying for the condo and the father's nursing home. She told us later that he really needed the money but most people want a really modern condo and this one is homey and has antiques. It was very nice. I don't like antiques. But this will be my turn to have the Master Suite and it has one whole glass window that looks out at the sand and beach and a huge bathroom. Heaven, I'm in heaven..... Oh Sheryl's husband told her the same thing that we could be men and be murders and for her to call him the minute we left. I told her to go inside her closet and take her cell phone and call him from in there and scare him shitless. She laughed and said she couldn't do that to him. What kind of a woman is she anyway.
I forgot to tell something funny. On Saturday we stopped at Kroger's to get Judy some water that didn't smell (she says Myrtle Beach Water is nasty). So I parked, went in and got two jugs of water and some fruit and I realized as I walked to the Cashier's lane that my Kroger card was in the car with Judy on my key ring. Damnit.
I stopped at his aisle and said do you have a Kroger card I can use? He said do you have a grocery list I can have? I said what in the hell would you want with that? He said he was doing an art project. I said for whom? He said Art,it's my art project. I said who in the hell would give you a project like that? He said it was my idea. I told him that was the dumbest thing I had every heard of and who cared anyway. He said I think it is cool to see what customers write on their lists and what they write on. I said well mine is in my address book and on the back are some phone numbers. HE SAID GOOODY. I am so excited. I said you are also SICK! So he scanned his card and then commented on my coin jewelry -- bracelets and ankle bracelets, specially made for me. I jiggle and jingle with ever step. I said hell,that's nothing. Look at my ankle bracelet too. So I stand out in front of the aisle and dance and shake my foot and my arms and he and the bagger are crying. He said man, that is cool. I thanked him, tore out the list and got my change and left. I could hardly wait to tell Judy. I knew she would shake her head in shame.
Following our business transaction we headed to the Carolina Road House for a salad with country ham and hot, crusty, sweet croissants. As an appetizer we had onion rings. God, they were outstanding. But that's something we do each visit to the Beach.
One of the waitress came out of the bathroom stall a few seconds before me. I came out and she turned around and it was obvious that she had "FORGOTTEN" to wash her hands. I knew what she looked like. As I walked buy her I noticed she went right to a cash register and started pushing buttons. UGH! So when I got back to our table I pointed her out to Judy and said if she touches our plates I will refuse them and tell management why. From the cash register she made coffee and moved plates. While she did that our dinner was delivered. Then I didn't care what she touched, I had onion rings to eat.
Tuesday morning we were up and at'em. We had packed most of our stuff on Monday night and we had leftover breakfast stuff to eat before we left. We left Myrtle Beach at 9:30 a.m. and got home a little after 7. Long trip.
We headed home our regular way for about 2 hrs. Then we were lost (GPS and map in back seat). So we stopped at a CVS because I needed a coke. Now I have VT decals all over my SUPER HOT IMPALA and on the other side was a car with VT decals too. As I get out of the car (it takes me awhile to be able to walk after sitting on my butt)
two old women come out of CVS. They go to their car and get in and the driver is on Judy's side. She yelled at me and asked if we were from Christiansburg?? I said no but we are from Blacksburg. Well Judy saw me mouthing and didn't hear the women in the car beside her and she starts mouthing WHAT? WHAT ARE YOU SAYING, I CAN'T HEAR!!! As she rolls down her window to scream at me, she realizes that nobody is talking to her at all. She got so tickled and I had no idea of anything she was doing because I was concentrating on hearing the woman. She said she had family in Christiansburg and Riner. Then she said something else and I nodded and went in the CVS. I decided Judy and I should have an ice cream treat. So I bought us one and we ate on our way out of the parking lot, hopefully on the right road since there were no road signs and we didn't even know where the hell we were. As we drove we laughed about those women and Judy thought I was speaking to her.
We drove for another hour or so and got on another road and Judy said that wasn't right so we got off when we could and found another road, that looked right. She didn't get the map out until later. We hadn't screwed up enough to warrant that. On one of the roads we were on, Judy was on the telephone and I looked at a ugly orange car that was trying to mate with my HOT CAR and then he kicked it and passed me and a gray car that was right behind him kicked it. I said Hot Damn, we got a car race coming around. Well when the gray car passed, it was a cop in an ummarked car. I said YAAAAAY, go get him. He followed that car for 10 miles, passing when he did and I couldn't believe the guy in the ugly car had no clue. I figure he was trying to get some more charges against him. I was pulling for the cop to win but couldn't believe he waited so long. If that had happend to me I would pulled over on the shoulder the minute that cop was on me. I was really hoping for a car race too.
Finally on the road that the Corrections Enterprise guy had told us about and Judy said he was a dumb ass and that she had been there, done that and it was bumper to bumper. Well, she got that right. She kept saying, I told you didn't I? As we got closer to Charlotte we saw a sign for Monroe, N.C. I have a friend who used to be the Police Chief at Virginia Tech and she left to take this job because her parents lived there and they were both ill. Two years ago, we topped in Monroe and called the Police Dept and she was out of town. Her dispatcher and I had a great chat and laugh. So Judy said are we gonna stop and see Deborah? I said hell yea, wonder where her office is? I pulled off the road and called her. She wanted to know where we were and she knew exactly and said for us to backtrack one mile, take a right and wait at an Auction place and she was sending her Captain to bring us in. HOT DAMN, a Captain. She told me to be nice to him, and not scare him because he was young and naive. She lied. He wasn't young but he was HOT, he wasn't naive either. I told her to send him to us with sirens blaring and lights flashing. She neglected to tell him that. He pulled up beside of us in the lot and I said you're late -- where the hell have you been? He had the prettiest smile and a light spattering of gray in his hair. My heart be still! So I asked him if he had any cuffs and he could cuff us. He laughed and said no but I'm telling you ladies, you all must be mighty important for her to send a Captain to show you the way. I said Hell yes, we're important and don't forget it. So we head out of the lot and follow him to the Police Dept. We get to go in the door labeled, official police entrance, private. The public had to walk around the building. We go in and Debra walks out of her dispatcher's office and we all hugged and hugged. She introduced us to her policy administrator, the dispatcher, her personnel person and we go in her office to chat. We looked at all of her awards, certifications and diplomas and then Judy whipped out her camera. Debra got hers out too. So the Captain took the first pixx and I couldn't stop grinning. Then someone else was called into take a pix of Debra, the Captain and the two beauties from Virginia. Debra got in the way of the Captain so we made her squat down behind the table and just have her shoulders and head showing. She said we were NUTS. So photo op over we head out the door. The Captain said please let me take you ladies back to your car. Then as he opened the door he told us how pleased he was to meet us....(RIGHT).
We got back on the road we were on when we called Debra and damned if we didn't get lost again. We stopped on the outerlink around Charlotte for me to go to the bathroom and also get gas. It was a gas station/McDonalds/grocery store. I found a really cute guy in the McDonald's and ask him if we were on the right road. He said no we weren't and gave us directions. We did pretty good for about 2 miles and I sped off the wrong exit. We were laughing again at how stupid we both were. Stopped and got directions from a gas station and backtracked again. Next thing I see is a sign pointing telling us how many miles to an area near our hometown. HURRRAY, HURRAY... We know where we are and we should not get lost anymore.
We made it home safe and sound and I uncorked a bottle of wine and Judy called to see if I had her medicine. I said hell no. She said neither do it. I said did you call the Regency. She said not yet. I said well our med cases are just alike and I packed mine in my suitcase. She thought she had packed hers too. So an hour or so later I was unpacking my computer and damn if her pills weren't in my computer bag. I immediately called her and we were both happy. Then she wants to know how it got in my case. I said I had no clue, then she said WELL I DIDN'T PUT THEM THERE.....HERE WE GO. I told her I didn't either. She thinks a ghost is involved.
If I can think of anything else that happened that I have overlooked, I will do an addendum.
Happy Trails
Well this blog could have another title, it could be WE'RE IN SUNNY SAVANNAH! We were planning to leave Friday morning for Savannah and the Jazz/Blues Festival. It was after midnight when Judy called me and said "is your heart set on Savannah?" I said hell no, my heart doesn't care -- as long as we go somewhere. We were already packed anyway, didn't need to repack a thing.
I go over to pick Judy up and she is ready. We loaded her handbag and computer and our beach chairs, which we always keep in one of our cars -- JUST IN CASE THERE IS WATER AND WE NEED TO SIT AND WATCH IT. So we closed the trunk and hopped in the car and the fun began.
On the way down the Interstate I asked Judy if we were going the same way as last time. If you have read this blog before you know that we never go the same way. NEVER for the past 6 years. I told Judy I know what she is up to. She takes me over the river and thru the woods so I won't know where in the hell I am. She said that was true because she would never allow me to go to the Beach w/o her. FAT ASS CHANCE. The one time I went by myself and she was coming 2 weeks later, I ended up outside of Atlanta. I called Kreg and said I think I'm lost. He screams, "WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU." I had to tell him that was why I was calling him. I had no idea where the hell I was except there was a sign that said Atlanta 10 miles. THAT AIN'T RIGHT!!! He was screaming for me to get off the interstate and pull over and not move the car til he got out a map. I did and he did and I finally go to Myrtle Beach. I spent Christmas there and it was AWESOME.
So back to getting directions from Judy, who periodically nods off. She said well we get off of I-77 and then we take this route and then we will go to another town and get on a different road. Well Hot Damn! We were tooling down the road in my "souped up" Impala and we looked GOOD. We both had on makeup and Jewelry. I mentioned to Judy that we were on a great 10 lane highway. She said this is not right, GET OFF QUICK. I am a pro at making quick exits or u-turns. We realized that we were in Salsbury, N.C. She said God, I have never been here before. Well we are lost again. I said big deal, I will take a left here and go a couple of blocks, take another left and I will be on the road we missed. She said right, sure. She said NO, don't take that turn. Stop, this has got to be wrong. So after about 10 minutes I pulled into a MET LIFE Insurance Office. And asked the receptionist how to get on Rt. 52. She said hmmmmmmmmm, well I don't go that way but I think you can go to Rt 49 and eventually hit.....I said great, thanks a bunch and left that stupid girl. So we decide it's time to get the GPS out of the trunk.
Judy "programmed" the GPS and we're ON THE ROAD AGAIN. The GPS was helpful and took us right where we wanted to go. WE SAID YAYYYYYY!
After we were on the right road and went thru another little town, following Rt 52. Judy said she didn't like this way and to pull over. I just happened to park in a jewelry store parking lot. Some fellow was sweeping the hallway and gave us a funny look. We had decided we needed to take 15 min breaks every hour and a half. So this was a great place. We both hobble out of the car and I pop the trunk to get the map. Then this fellow who was sweeping walks out and says can I help you ladies? Are you lost? I said No, we have a GPS. Then he wanted to know where the hell we were going. Then Judy pops up and starts talking to him. We both noticed his polo shirt had an emblem on it that said Corrections Enterprise. Great, we have a prison guard leaning on the car. He ran his mouth to hear his head roar. God, I needed to find a bathroom and quick. Finally he and Judy argued about traffic on his route. He explained to us that he drove for a living and knew all the best ways. Then he told us how to come back next time, to take a road around Charlotte, blah, blah, blah.
Well we took the road he told us to and that was the road we were planning to take anyway. Judy bitched and moaned that she didn't like this road and that stupid ass didn't know what he was talking about ANNNNNNNDDDDD that she had driven through all those towns and traffic was awful and bumper to bumper, yadda, yadda, yadda.
I cannot remember if we got lost 2 or 3 times before we reached the beach. But we did and we did get to the beach. Took a long time too.
So on our last 20 miles before the beach Judy called the Regency, place we always stay. The reason we are not staying there in November is because they are revamping, resurfacing the outside, new balconies, etc. Also, the big reason is because of Selfish Me. I stay in the pool the whole month we are there. Well they wrote and told us that they were giving us a discount because the pool would be closed Oct and Nov. and because of all the mess and noise. WTF? Anyway, on our way in Judy called the Regency and asked if they would let us stay for 4 nights. They said sure, we will even give you the revamping discount now, since there is so much dust and noise. WELL THAT WAS THE TRUTH. Good God, we could hear ourselves think or talk.
A huge black cloud had followed us for 45 miles and up ahead we saw a beautiful full rainbow -- it was like Alpha and Omega -- a beginning and an end. We were wondering where that pot of gold was. We need the money. We like to live beyond our means anyway. So this cloud is really pretty scary. It just keeps taking over the sky. We had to speed a little in hopes of beating it to our Condo. We beat it and pulled under the big porch/driveway. Thank God, we were living at the foot of the cross. Not a single raindrop fell on us. We go in to see if we could check out several condos because we are very picky. The new desk clerk (who we had never met), Richard said sorry, can't let you have keys until Security arrives. We told him we had been coming there for years and we were trustworthy (asshole). He wouldn't give. Then another friend of ours who works there comes around the corner and see us and yells HHEYYYYYYY LADIES, how are you? Great to see you again..... I look around and see Richard (the clerk) handing us 3 sets of keys to look at different condos. I said what the hell is wrong with you? First we couldn't have the damned keys and now you are giving me 3? He said well when I saw that Tony knew you..... I called him a few names, and smiled and he beamed and I said so you weren't waiting on Security. You wanted to see if we really knew Tony and he said sorry. We grabbed those keys and the first two condos were not that great and smelled like a bar (cigarette smoke). Three's a charm. Oh my God, 906 was beautiful, modern, and very colorful. We rushed back down and told Richard we would take it. He said that was the one I had picked out when Judy called a while ago. It is a nice place. So Judy hands him her credit card and he gives us another key and we go out to unload our stuff.
We had no idea that BLACK CLOUD was hovering over the Regency Towers until we went out the doors to get the car. Now I told you this was a covered drive thru. We walk out those doors and the wind and rain hits us in the face like a hurricane. It backed us up a foot or two. I am laughing out loud as I type this part. I popped the trunk and unlocked the doors and as we walked to the back of the car Judy's hair went straight up in the air and my tank top blew over my head. Oh God, I could cause some man to have a heart attack, especially if they see the spare tire around my waist. I said Judy look and about that time her blouse went over her shoulders. We were both crying hysterically. Judy happened to look in the car window and saw her hair and said God, I look like Clarabell the Clown, all I need is a damned horn. We grabbed a buggy and loaded our stuff and got the hell in the building. Then I realized I had to go park that damn HOT CAR of mine. So Judy heads on up to the room with the bags and cooler and I get in the car and drive around bulldozers and trucks and cranes. No way in hell could I see the numbered parking places and they must have been numbered by a two year old. No rhyme or reason. They range from 105, 706, 409...... each row is that screwed up. So I drive back under the cover and blow the horn. Richard comes out and I said where in the hell am I supposed to park. He said anywhere and I said bullshit. He said well drive to the side there may be a spot under the bldg. I said 10-4 and took off. As I rounded the corner there was a porta potty with the door blown wide open and it was teetering on the edge of the grass and curb. I parked and was under cover til I got back in the building. I told them about the potty and they asked if I would go back out and lock the door. I said yea boys, when monkeys fly and they laughed out loud. Tony said that was mild for her Richard. I gave them both the finger as I got on the elevator and went upstairs with no booze or wine. As I went into the condo Judy said did they tell you to bring your suitcase up, I couldn't manage it. I said a few choice words and back down I went. As the elevator door opened both guys were standing there with my suitcase between them. They said ooops, we were quite finished looking thru it. I said you shouldn't have bothered, there is not underwear in it. As the elevator door closed they were still speechless.
So Judy and I sat down and put our feet up and were so happy to be there. I took a sleeping pill and so did Judy. Mine worked, hers didn't.
We woke up around 11, showered, dressed and headed out to find condos. We looked up and down the beach as we drove. Saw a few and then went to a Real Estate office and got keys to 4 places. Got were they the pitts. Nasty, no lobby, no desk clerk, no security, no locked entrance. They all had dark garages and one of the garages had a huge leak coming thru on the bottom level and it had already formed a pool. Judy said should we call the Real Estate Office. I told her hell no, it wasn't our problem and we sure weren't staying there. Well we were not impressed. Took the keys back and it was time to eat.
So Sunday was lay around the condo all day long and listen to our ITUNES and read. On Monday we were scheduled to go to the Ocean Creek Resort and meet a woman she met on Craig's List. Judy's daughter, Vicky, said she is probably a man and a mass murderer. Ya'll better be careful. The woman was nice and cute and funny. She showed us the 4 condos she rents for the owners when they aren't home. They were beautiful. Wrap around decks and all glass, granite counter tops, nice art, just what the doctor ordered. Butttt, the one drawback was this place was not directly on the beach like we are used to. But it was a good view. Judy said she wasn't sure she could hear the surf...did I tell you earlier in this blog that we are both deaf? Well trust me. So she wants to go out on the balcony to see if she can hear the surf. I almost choked. She came back in and said yep, I hear it. Well we finished looking at the condo and Sheryl, the owner, said make me an offer. Well do you think I consulted with Judy or we said we would get back to her? HELL NO, I said $1200 and she said SOLD! We thought that was a good deal and then I wondered what if I had $900 do you think she would have taken it. Judy shrugged. Sheryl had told us that the couple that owned the condo were from Oregon and the wife was deceased and the husband in a nursing home and the son was left paying for the condo and the father's nursing home. She told us later that he really needed the money but most people want a really modern condo and this one is homey and has antiques. It was very nice. I don't like antiques. But this will be my turn to have the Master Suite and it has one whole glass window that looks out at the sand and beach and a huge bathroom. Heaven, I'm in heaven..... Oh Sheryl's husband told her the same thing that we could be men and be murders and for her to call him the minute we left. I told her to go inside her closet and take her cell phone and call him from in there and scare him shitless. She laughed and said she couldn't do that to him. What kind of a woman is she anyway.
I forgot to tell something funny. On Saturday we stopped at Kroger's to get Judy some water that didn't smell (she says Myrtle Beach Water is nasty). So I parked, went in and got two jugs of water and some fruit and I realized as I walked to the Cashier's lane that my Kroger card was in the car with Judy on my key ring. Damnit.
I stopped at his aisle and said do you have a Kroger card I can use? He said do you have a grocery list I can have? I said what in the hell would you want with that? He said he was doing an art project. I said for whom? He said Art,it's my art project. I said who in the hell would give you a project like that? He said it was my idea. I told him that was the dumbest thing I had every heard of and who cared anyway. He said I think it is cool to see what customers write on their lists and what they write on. I said well mine is in my address book and on the back are some phone numbers. HE SAID GOOODY. I am so excited. I said you are also SICK! So he scanned his card and then commented on my coin jewelry -- bracelets and ankle bracelets, specially made for me. I jiggle and jingle with ever step. I said hell,that's nothing. Look at my ankle bracelet too. So I stand out in front of the aisle and dance and shake my foot and my arms and he and the bagger are crying. He said man, that is cool. I thanked him, tore out the list and got my change and left. I could hardly wait to tell Judy. I knew she would shake her head in shame.
Following our business transaction we headed to the Carolina Road House for a salad with country ham and hot, crusty, sweet croissants. As an appetizer we had onion rings. God, they were outstanding. But that's something we do each visit to the Beach.
One of the waitress came out of the bathroom stall a few seconds before me. I came out and she turned around and it was obvious that she had "FORGOTTEN" to wash her hands. I knew what she looked like. As I walked buy her I noticed she went right to a cash register and started pushing buttons. UGH! So when I got back to our table I pointed her out to Judy and said if she touches our plates I will refuse them and tell management why. From the cash register she made coffee and moved plates. While she did that our dinner was delivered. Then I didn't care what she touched, I had onion rings to eat.
Tuesday morning we were up and at'em. We had packed most of our stuff on Monday night and we had leftover breakfast stuff to eat before we left. We left Myrtle Beach at 9:30 a.m. and got home a little after 7. Long trip.
We headed home our regular way for about 2 hrs. Then we were lost (GPS and map in back seat). So we stopped at a CVS because I needed a coke. Now I have VT decals all over my SUPER HOT IMPALA and on the other side was a car with VT decals too. As I get out of the car (it takes me awhile to be able to walk after sitting on my butt)
two old women come out of CVS. They go to their car and get in and the driver is on Judy's side. She yelled at me and asked if we were from Christiansburg?? I said no but we are from Blacksburg. Well Judy saw me mouthing and didn't hear the women in the car beside her and she starts mouthing WHAT? WHAT ARE YOU SAYING, I CAN'T HEAR!!! As she rolls down her window to scream at me, she realizes that nobody is talking to her at all. She got so tickled and I had no idea of anything she was doing because I was concentrating on hearing the woman. She said she had family in Christiansburg and Riner. Then she said something else and I nodded and went in the CVS. I decided Judy and I should have an ice cream treat. So I bought us one and we ate on our way out of the parking lot, hopefully on the right road since there were no road signs and we didn't even know where the hell we were. As we drove we laughed about those women and Judy thought I was speaking to her.
We drove for another hour or so and got on another road and Judy said that wasn't right so we got off when we could and found another road, that looked right. She didn't get the map out until later. We hadn't screwed up enough to warrant that. On one of the roads we were on, Judy was on the telephone and I looked at a ugly orange car that was trying to mate with my HOT CAR and then he kicked it and passed me and a gray car that was right behind him kicked it. I said Hot Damn, we got a car race coming around. Well when the gray car passed, it was a cop in an ummarked car. I said YAAAAAY, go get him. He followed that car for 10 miles, passing when he did and I couldn't believe the guy in the ugly car had no clue. I figure he was trying to get some more charges against him. I was pulling for the cop to win but couldn't believe he waited so long. If that had happend to me I would pulled over on the shoulder the minute that cop was on me. I was really hoping for a car race too.
Finally on the road that the Corrections Enterprise guy had told us about and Judy said he was a dumb ass and that she had been there, done that and it was bumper to bumper. Well, she got that right. She kept saying, I told you didn't I? As we got closer to Charlotte we saw a sign for Monroe, N.C. I have a friend who used to be the Police Chief at Virginia Tech and she left to take this job because her parents lived there and they were both ill. Two years ago, we topped in Monroe and called the Police Dept and she was out of town. Her dispatcher and I had a great chat and laugh. So Judy said are we gonna stop and see Deborah? I said hell yea, wonder where her office is? I pulled off the road and called her. She wanted to know where we were and she knew exactly and said for us to backtrack one mile, take a right and wait at an Auction place and she was sending her Captain to bring us in. HOT DAMN, a Captain. She told me to be nice to him, and not scare him because he was young and naive. She lied. He wasn't young but he was HOT, he wasn't naive either. I told her to send him to us with sirens blaring and lights flashing. She neglected to tell him that. He pulled up beside of us in the lot and I said you're late -- where the hell have you been? He had the prettiest smile and a light spattering of gray in his hair. My heart be still! So I asked him if he had any cuffs and he could cuff us. He laughed and said no but I'm telling you ladies, you all must be mighty important for her to send a Captain to show you the way. I said Hell yes, we're important and don't forget it. So we head out of the lot and follow him to the Police Dept. We get to go in the door labeled, official police entrance, private. The public had to walk around the building. We go in and Debra walks out of her dispatcher's office and we all hugged and hugged. She introduced us to her policy administrator, the dispatcher, her personnel person and we go in her office to chat. We looked at all of her awards, certifications and diplomas and then Judy whipped out her camera. Debra got hers out too. So the Captain took the first pixx and I couldn't stop grinning. Then someone else was called into take a pix of Debra, the Captain and the two beauties from Virginia. Debra got in the way of the Captain so we made her squat down behind the table and just have her shoulders and head showing. She said we were NUTS. So photo op over we head out the door. The Captain said please let me take you ladies back to your car. Then as he opened the door he told us how pleased he was to meet us....(RIGHT).
We got back on the road we were on when we called Debra and damned if we didn't get lost again. We stopped on the outerlink around Charlotte for me to go to the bathroom and also get gas. It was a gas station/McDonalds/grocery store. I found a really cute guy in the McDonald's and ask him if we were on the right road. He said no we weren't and gave us directions. We did pretty good for about 2 miles and I sped off the wrong exit. We were laughing again at how stupid we both were. Stopped and got directions from a gas station and backtracked again. Next thing I see is a sign pointing telling us how many miles to an area near our hometown. HURRRAY, HURRAY... We know where we are and we should not get lost anymore.
We made it home safe and sound and I uncorked a bottle of wine and Judy called to see if I had her medicine. I said hell no. She said neither do it. I said did you call the Regency. She said not yet. I said well our med cases are just alike and I packed mine in my suitcase. She thought she had packed hers too. So an hour or so later I was unpacking my computer and damn if her pills weren't in my computer bag. I immediately called her and we were both happy. Then she wants to know how it got in my case. I said I had no clue, then she said WELL I DIDN'T PUT THEM THERE.....HERE WE GO. I told her I didn't either. She thinks a ghost is involved.
If I can think of anything else that happened that I have overlooked, I will do an addendum.
Happy Trails
Thursday, July 16, 2009
LET'S MOVE TO GRENADA WHEN WE RETIRE
My brother, Connie, worked in Richmond, Virginia for Phillip Morris. He was a supervisor and couldn't wait to retire. It was a big issue for both of us as we figured with our family history we would not live to see retirement. Our father had a stroke and died instantly at 50 years of age. Our mother died from brain/ovarian cancer at 58 years of age. Our maternal grandmother died at 58 years of age, as well.
As Connie got closer to retirement he checked his Phillip Morris stock daily to make sure there was going to be plenty of money. Cigarettes were a big business 12-15 years ago. He kept a "little black book" full of figures, that God only knows how he kept up with it. He was very smart and savvy. Around the time he was thinking about Grenada, he had over $600,000 in stock.
Grenada as a retirement home came to light because he had several employees that were originally from Grenada and came to the States to become RICH!!! They cooked special foods and always brought him some to taste. They were thrilled he wanted to go to their country. They truly encouraged him by telling him he would be the richest man on the Island. He loved the idea of being King of the Mountain.
Connie was living with Fran and they decided it was time to go on a vacation. They called me and asked if I would like to go along. YA DAMN SKIPPY, count me in. The husband was not happy -- WHAT? Spend Money? Why would you want to go there? YADDA, YADDA, YADDA. Fran arranged the travel and got the tickets. All I had to do was get to Richmond in time to drive up to Dulles. We stayed at a hotel where we could leave our car, parking was free and there was a shuttle to take us to and from the Airport. We slept in the same room and had a good time. We didn't get there until around 11 p.m. and Connie and I snored all night long (Fran said so).
The next morning we had bagels and coffee in the hotel and boarded the shuttle. I was so excited because this was my first trip out of the country. I didn't have a passport but all I really needed to have was my birth certificate. We all had our birth certificates close to our hearts so they would be safe. We arrived at Dulles, checked our bags and low and behold, took a shuttle bus to another side of the airport. My God, I had never seen anything like that -- yea, I have been sheltered. I was loaded with Dramamine or that shuttle ride to the other side would have made me queasy. It was loaded with people and hot and all over the place. We sat at the other airport for around 1 hour before boarding. Now that I think about it, this was my first jet ride anywhere. REALLY SHELTERED.
Have I told you that Fran talked all the time? I guess she still does too. Haven't seen her in a long time. Well thankfully we were not seated together but even though I am deaf, I heard her running that mouth. I know Connie was glad he was deaf too. He did not have a hearing air (way to vain) and probably didn't hear her or know she was talking unless he was looking at her or she nudged him. Poor thing. So we flew into Puerto Rico. WOW -- that was a beautiful place (from the air anyway). I was afraid that we were going into the water as our plane landed. Connie said that the pilot had to be standing on the brakes. We landed safely and had a layover for an hour or so. We settled in with a drink and waited for our next flight. Connie informed me that we should by some duty free booze too. That wasn't big on my list. When it was time to board our plane to Grenada, I was shocked to see that it was such a small plane. They did serve drinks and food to us on that flight.
The pilot announced when we looked out our window we would see the Caribbean below. OH MY GOD -- it was as beautiful as I thought it would be. Blue green water everywhere. I could hardly wait to land and get in the water.
Next stop Grenada. Grenada has a small airport and runway. We taxied close up to the airport and waited for the doors to open. Well, when those door opened and we stepped out on the first step, the heat almost knocked us backwards. It was almost 100 degrees and felt like 150 (probably). The asphalt was so hot that we could feel the heat coming up thru our shoe soles. We walked quickly into the airport and had to go through customs. They unloaded half of my damn suitcase. I must have looked sneaky. Connie and Fran went thru with no problem. As they waited for me they found their driver holding up a placard with our name on it. The hotel where we were staying had sent a van for us. We really felt important -- I said I had never done anything like this before -- I was impressed.
Our driver was crazy. He had on a suit and cap and drove like a maniac. There was a round-a-bout in the middle of town and he went around it blowing the horn and shaking his fist. Connie, had already decided we were going to rent a car and we had to decide who was going to get the Grenada license. Hell, I had no intentions of studying for a TEST! We were told you had to take a test and Connie volunteered. YAYYY. Well the rental car agency sent their representative to our hotel and all Connie had to do was sign a waiver, an agreement and take the keys. WHERE WAS THE TEST? We now had our own little car. It was a four-door compact and I got the back seat. Thank God for Dramamine again.
We checked into our hotel and it was more of a cabin. There was a long building that had two apartments (adjoining). They each had two bedrooms, cable TV, a kitchen, living room, huge bathroom and balconies overlooking the Caribbean. Hibiscus were blooming everywhere as well as bushes that looked like azaleas. So many beautiful flowers and shrubbery. Connie had brought a flask full of Jack Daniels with him and we settled in and met on their balcony. The place was gorgeous. The floors and doors were all mahogany, and glistened like glass.
With our drinks in hand we sat on the balcony to talk about our plans and the sites we wanted to see. After a couple of hours of unwinding we dressed and went for dinner. Guess where we went -- My God, I couldn't believe it -- a Chinese Restaurant. WHAAAAAAAAAAAAT. The food was nothing to write home about but it filled the hole.
The next morning we were up early and hungry as bears. We decided to take the car into town, find a grocery store and a liquor store, in that order too. Well the grocery store was pathetic. It reminded me of an old A&P store we used to have at home. It was looked dirty and half the shelves were empty. We picked up some frozen lobsters, bread, milk and PB&J. We had the necessities to eat breakfast and lunch at home if we wanted. Next stop was the liquor store. We spent a few dollars in there as well.
Connie did great driving through Georgetown and I was very impressed. Driving on the wrong side of the road was so confusing and I was scared too death. We drove back to the hotel and grabbed our maps and video camera and off we went. Back thru town and by the boat clubs where they had beautiful sailboats and yachts. Wonder who owned all those expensive toys. Hmmmm, there must have been more KING OF THE MOUNTAINS, than we thought. Well we were sightseeing and made it to where the fishing boats were coming in. GOD did it stink. I heard lots of "HEY MON's" too. Everyone wanted to sell you something and I didn't think anyone was very friendly. Connie told me it was my imagination. The fellow on the boats were unloading huge fish with heads as large as mine. Women who were running the fish markets were grabbing the fish from the sailors and had huge machetes and whacking heads off left and right. DANGER, DANGER! Blood and guts were everywhere.
After a quick tour of the Town we drove back to the hotel and dressed for the beach. I honestly cannot describe the beauty of the beach. We drove down the hill to our hotel's beach club and from there through a beautiful lawn area to the beach. There were lawn chairs waiting for us. All of the trees surrounding us were almond trees. Who knew? We put our bags down and all ran for the water. I felt like I was stepping into my bathtub. The water must have been 90 degrees and was so clear you could see your feet, even in water up to your neck. The waves were broken by rocks pretty far out and it was a gentle lap around your shoulders when they did come in. There were fishermen swimming out with their fishing guns, way beyond the rocks. We weren't sure if they were fishing for themselves or being paid to do it.
I think I stayed in the water until my skin began to shrivel up. I could not bear to get out of it. I was in Heaven. We stayed there until dinner time and went back to our rooms for our cocktails and dinner.
The next morning I got up early and went into my bathroom. It was larger than my bedroom. There was a sink, commode and a shower head, no stall or separation. You just showered in the room. It was great. So I decided to get into the shower before breakfast and turned the water on and lizards and chameleons decided to come thru the wide woven screens to check me out. I saw something move out of the corner of my eye and screamed. Woke Fran and Connie up and they thought it was hysterical. Hell, I had been looking for roaches or spiders knowing that they were hiding and waiting on me to go to bed. I never saw any of those because I am sure the lizards were gobbling them up when they weren't watching me shower. That truly was a shock. I never adjusted. I would walk in the bathroom almost on tippy-toes anticipating their return. Hell they were there waiting on me. How I missed them the first time, I will never know.
After we had had breakfast that morning we decided it was time for a "road trip". Connie especially wanted to go see the rain forest. Of course, I wanted to go see the rain forest too. Probably lots of parrots, monkeys, who knew what else. So off through the town we go and we come to the round-a-bout and Connie didn't have a damned clue which way to go. He stopped. Yes, he stopped. God, don't stop I screamed. Horns were blowing and you could hear yelling and then it was like they realized he was a visitor. Everyone stopped and waved him through with huge smiles. Hmmmmmm, they knew he was King of the Mountain, after all. Of course, once we got thru that mess we were all smiles again.
As we drove up a winding road with the water to our left, we encountered goats and cows tied up and standing in the damned road. The first curve we went around we were met by a van with people hanging out all the doors and windows and Connie started screaming, like a girl. It scared us all too death. Then it was the animals. We almost killed two goats. The vans (they called them buses) were flying and in the middle of the road, like they owned it. We finally got passed all that congestion and headed up the mountain towards the rain forest. Lots of Jim Walter type homes there as well. No windows, but they did have doors. There were yellow, blue and pink houses everywhere. They slowly disappeared the higher up we went. We didn't have a clue where the hell we were. Connie said he knew this had to be the way though. As we drove it really began to look like a jungle/rain forest. Elephant ear type plants and grape vines hung by the roadside. We drove by a beautiful waterfall. We both took pictures of that and the plants. We were pretty much on top of the mountain when we went by a school -- no kidding. Kids were dressed in uniforms. White tops and plaid pants, shorts or skirts. Like Catholic school. Who in the hell lived up here and where did they live. There were 3 different schools up there. We drove through a small village/town. There were dogs and chickens in the road and people standing around smoking and talking. Rather than run over their animals, Connie stopped and nodded and waved. The next thing I knew some woman was trying to jerk my car door open. "WHAT THE HELL", I screamed. She kept jerking and then jerked on Connie's door too. She said to him, "take my baby in your car, she has never been in a car." My God, the kid wasn't two years old and she is trying to throw him in the car with strangers. I am shaking my head no, like she cared. She kept jerking and when she let go, Connie kicked it. Down the road we went in our little car. He was flying around corners and I hadn't taken a Dramamine. OH GOD. I also was getting ready to start filming with the video camera. Who knew how sick you could get doing that.
We drove for another hour or so and came to a fork in the road. Connie decided he would go to the left. I was really uneasy. I began to tell him that we could be killed. Nobody knew where the hell we were, who we were and we could be robbed and our heads cut off with machetes. He told me that I had a great imagination. On down this road we went and it seem to be getting narrower. We saw a clearing ahead and realized as we were almost on top of it that we were crossing a huge crevice with a creek running through it. That was not the bad part -- the bad part was that there were 8 boards (or planks) across this crevice and no railings or anything else. I begged Connie to turn the car around and get out of there. Oh No, he wanted to see what was up ahead. I swear to God, you could hear the planks rise up and then fall back on the one underneath it. It must have been a walking bridge... who would build that for a car? We crossed it without it collapsing and drove about 4 more miles. We ended up at some one's house. No more road. Didn't see a soul either. I still don't know why he and Fran weren't concerned about our safety. We got turned around and headed back to the plank bridge. That bridge was the length of maybe 4 cars and a long way down. We survived the ride back over the bridge and started down the mountain.
I decided it was time to start filming as we headed down. Well Connie is flying around corners and seemed to be in a big ass hurry for some reason. It didn't dawn on me until we stopped to give some hikers (who could have killed us)a ride into town. Now there were three of us in the backseat and we are all talking and introducing ourselves and I am filming and then it hits me. I am getting ready to throw up all over everyone. Oh My God, the car felt like it was 100 degrees inside and I just wanted to get out of the car and get a breath, without throwing up. I seemed to feel a little better w/o the camera. The couple got a little excited too when we got nearer to civilization again and Connie started screaming as he drove. This time we were on the side of the water. Huge drops down rocky cliffs with no guardrails. If we weren't run out of the road by the vans with people hanging out all over them (it was like a Chevy Chase movie) then we were on top of animals tied up before we saw them. Those people asked to get out of the car as soon as we hit the town limits. Connie pulled over to the side and I stepped out of the car to let one of them out and I threw up all over the sidewalk. They never stopped, said sorry you are sick, thanks for the ride -- NOTHING. They hauled ass. I felt much better though. By the time we got home we were all exhausted and nobody felt like going out for dinner. Later that night we walked down the road to the beach club and were entertained by steel drums and a wild and crazy guy who kept taking our requests and singing (or trying) popular songs. He was hysterical.
Next day was beach day again. Connie had gotten beer when we were in town and we carried it down to the beach in a small cloth cooler. We were all spread out on the beach, I had adopted 3 dogs and was feeding them all our chips and crackers when some big black Rastafarian tries to sell us some huge joints. OH GOD, we will be put in prison. I am sure Connie would have loved to but he knew I would die instantly from a heart attack if he did. We played in the water, drank some beer and laughed and two other teenage guys came along. These two were the ones who showed us the almond trees. They were cracking the nuts open and feeding us. Cool.
They entertained us with their gymnastics and swimming. Connie felt like these were his kind of people. He shared his story with them about retiring there and they acted so excited. He told them that we really needed a cooler for our booze on the beach. We had not been able to find a hardware store or anything similar that would have had coolers for sale.
Those guys took Connie for the ride of the day. He gave them $30 to buy him a cooler and we would meet them there tomorrow to pick it up. I shook my head and Fran and I laughed at how gullible he was. He said, "Hell, they are good boys, they know I will give them a big tip". Well I am sure he would have given them a huge tip -- IF HE HAD EVER SEEN THEM AGAIN. SUCKER!!!!!!!! When I wanted to tease him I would tell him for $30 I would go buy him a cooler. He would give me the finger too.
The next day we felt much better and decided we would go to the next town over to the big market we had read about. We pile in to our car and off we go. We made it through the round-a-bout with NO PROBLEM. As we closer to our destination we saw a huge tunnel up ahead. Yep, we had to go through it and the market was on the other side. The tunnel was one way. No lights, no cops, no nothing. How do these people stay alive, they cannot drive and most of the ones we encountered acted as if they didn't have brakes in the car. They would run over top of you and grin and wave as they did. NO PROBLEM MON! There is a line of traffic for the tunnel and there is no rhyme or reason as to whose turn it is. They get tired of waiting and haul ass. Well we did the same thing. The tunnel isn't that long, but who wants to meet one of those vans in there? NOT I!
Safely through the tunnel we see the huge market and tents and people and animals everywhere. I had already decided there was no way in hell you could pay me to live there. Not only that, but everything was so expensive and it was such a poor country. Very depressing and I wasn't the one who had to live there. Anyway, we parked the car at the direction of two policemen who could have cared less about the tunnel behind them. They had white hats and loud whistles and wore white gloves. We start walking thru the rows and rows of tents and we are looking at their vegetables, meats, spices, etc. Grenada is called the Spice Island, FYI. We saw nutmeg, saffron, and lots of other interesting things for sale. Not only meat and produce was for sale there. They sold clothes, goats and chickens. There were Rastafarian's with knit hats on and it looked as though those hats were holding about 40 lbs of dreadlocks. Not a pretty smell or sight.
The Rastafarian were selling coconuts for $1.00. For that, they would let you pick out the coconut you wanted and take it from you and use a machete bigger than me to cut the top off of it. You were to drink the juice and eat the coconut meat as well. We only drank the juice since we did not have a machete handy. GOD!
I somehow got separated from Fran and Connie and walked along looking and touching everything I saw. Couldn't help myself. So some heavyset woman begged me to buy something I touched. She wanted to barter or argue or something. I shook my head and went to the next woman. I think I bought some type of necklace made from nutmeg shells from her. The woman who I evidently "disrespected" by not purchasing anything sent her older soon after my ass. He came up behind me after I purchased the necklace and started screaming and wanting to know why I didn't buy from his mother. Great Kook-A-Monga, let me outta here.(I think that is from the song, Stranded in the Jungle, I love to say it) About the time he was winding down and my eyes were popping out on my cheek, Connie appeared and took me by the arm and led me away. He said "We can't take you anywhere". Obviously.
We decided we had seen enough at the market and headed for the liquor store. Connie's friends had told him to stock up on the rum that was made there. It was delicious and cheap. He should bring a case home. We found the liquor store and they are privately owned. So King of the Mountain goes in and buys a case of rum and has the owner wrap it, suitable for flying home. I bought 2 bottles and I don't even like rum. That night we ate at a french restaurant not far down the hill from our hotel. It was very classy and the food was excellent and expensive. It is no fun to take a vacation if you have to count pennies!
One more day at the beach and we were ready to head home. Our hotel shuttle got us to the airport in plenty of time to make our flight. We walked into the airport and there were 3 ticket agents. Most of the people in line were from the area. They had brown paper bags full of stuff as well as suitcases, held together with duct tape. The fun hadn't even begun til we arrived. The agent and the customers were arguing over the baggage and the weight. I never thought I would ever see people unpacking their clothes ad the ticket counter. They were unpacking and throwing stuff out so that they could make the weight limit. Some of them had family who picked their belongings up and others left the stuff in the floor and went to get on the plane. UNREAL.
When we arrived in Puerto Rico for our plane change, Connie bought more rum, more expensive rum. We finally got on our plane and headed home to D.C. We didn't get into Dulles Airport until Midnight. We were so tired we could hardly keep our eyes open, and we weren't staying the night at the hotel. We needed to be bright eyed and bushy tailed. We make it to the luggage pick up and waited and waited and waited for our box of booze to arrive. Connie said, "I have a bad feeling" and we wanted to know why. He said well as we sat on the plane I watched them unloading luggage and I know I saw some S.O.B. drop my box of rum and spices. Fran started in by telling him he should have wrapped it himself and done a good job and used towels, on and on and on. He told her to shut the hell up that he didn't want to hear her mouth. Why would she listen to that......NOT ME! Finally after 1 hour of waiting our busted box of rum and nutmeg and saffron came around. Connie grabbed that busted box, soaking in rum and smelling like a brewery and threw it across the floor. Then he lost it. Some security guy came over to see what the hassle was and Connie went off like the Atom Bomb. He was gonna see that everyone there got their ass fired, they were gonna pay and someone was going to reimburse him. His blood pressure had to be outta sight. The security guy called in some janitors to mop the rum, nutmeg and saffron up. Someone gave him a claim form to fill out and I think Fran ended up doing it. By the time we finished with that there was no shuttle and we had to take a cab, and pay. We got to our hotel and loaded the car up and headed back to Richmond, I think it was around 4 a.m. when we arrived. We weren't as happy going home as we had been headed to Grenada.
As far as I know, Connie was never reimbursed for the booze. He called and wrote to lots of people. I do agree with Fran that had the box been packed correctly that would never have happened. Connie said if someone hadn't written on the box, "GLASS--DON'T DROP" it probably wouldn't have happened, but that S.O.B......." ha ha.
I will always have my pictures and so far, my memory, of that trip with my brother.
Happy Trails
As Connie got closer to retirement he checked his Phillip Morris stock daily to make sure there was going to be plenty of money. Cigarettes were a big business 12-15 years ago. He kept a "little black book" full of figures, that God only knows how he kept up with it. He was very smart and savvy. Around the time he was thinking about Grenada, he had over $600,000 in stock.
Grenada as a retirement home came to light because he had several employees that were originally from Grenada and came to the States to become RICH!!! They cooked special foods and always brought him some to taste. They were thrilled he wanted to go to their country. They truly encouraged him by telling him he would be the richest man on the Island. He loved the idea of being King of the Mountain.
Connie was living with Fran and they decided it was time to go on a vacation. They called me and asked if I would like to go along. YA DAMN SKIPPY, count me in. The husband was not happy -- WHAT? Spend Money? Why would you want to go there? YADDA, YADDA, YADDA. Fran arranged the travel and got the tickets. All I had to do was get to Richmond in time to drive up to Dulles. We stayed at a hotel where we could leave our car, parking was free and there was a shuttle to take us to and from the Airport. We slept in the same room and had a good time. We didn't get there until around 11 p.m. and Connie and I snored all night long (Fran said so).
The next morning we had bagels and coffee in the hotel and boarded the shuttle. I was so excited because this was my first trip out of the country. I didn't have a passport but all I really needed to have was my birth certificate. We all had our birth certificates close to our hearts so they would be safe. We arrived at Dulles, checked our bags and low and behold, took a shuttle bus to another side of the airport. My God, I had never seen anything like that -- yea, I have been sheltered. I was loaded with Dramamine or that shuttle ride to the other side would have made me queasy. It was loaded with people and hot and all over the place. We sat at the other airport for around 1 hour before boarding. Now that I think about it, this was my first jet ride anywhere. REALLY SHELTERED.
Have I told you that Fran talked all the time? I guess she still does too. Haven't seen her in a long time. Well thankfully we were not seated together but even though I am deaf, I heard her running that mouth. I know Connie was glad he was deaf too. He did not have a hearing air (way to vain) and probably didn't hear her or know she was talking unless he was looking at her or she nudged him. Poor thing. So we flew into Puerto Rico. WOW -- that was a beautiful place (from the air anyway). I was afraid that we were going into the water as our plane landed. Connie said that the pilot had to be standing on the brakes. We landed safely and had a layover for an hour or so. We settled in with a drink and waited for our next flight. Connie informed me that we should by some duty free booze too. That wasn't big on my list. When it was time to board our plane to Grenada, I was shocked to see that it was such a small plane. They did serve drinks and food to us on that flight.
The pilot announced when we looked out our window we would see the Caribbean below. OH MY GOD -- it was as beautiful as I thought it would be. Blue green water everywhere. I could hardly wait to land and get in the water.
Next stop Grenada. Grenada has a small airport and runway. We taxied close up to the airport and waited for the doors to open. Well, when those door opened and we stepped out on the first step, the heat almost knocked us backwards. It was almost 100 degrees and felt like 150 (probably). The asphalt was so hot that we could feel the heat coming up thru our shoe soles. We walked quickly into the airport and had to go through customs. They unloaded half of my damn suitcase. I must have looked sneaky. Connie and Fran went thru with no problem. As they waited for me they found their driver holding up a placard with our name on it. The hotel where we were staying had sent a van for us. We really felt important -- I said I had never done anything like this before -- I was impressed.
Our driver was crazy. He had on a suit and cap and drove like a maniac. There was a round-a-bout in the middle of town and he went around it blowing the horn and shaking his fist. Connie, had already decided we were going to rent a car and we had to decide who was going to get the Grenada license. Hell, I had no intentions of studying for a TEST! We were told you had to take a test and Connie volunteered. YAYYY. Well the rental car agency sent their representative to our hotel and all Connie had to do was sign a waiver, an agreement and take the keys. WHERE WAS THE TEST? We now had our own little car. It was a four-door compact and I got the back seat. Thank God for Dramamine again.
We checked into our hotel and it was more of a cabin. There was a long building that had two apartments (adjoining). They each had two bedrooms, cable TV, a kitchen, living room, huge bathroom and balconies overlooking the Caribbean. Hibiscus were blooming everywhere as well as bushes that looked like azaleas. So many beautiful flowers and shrubbery. Connie had brought a flask full of Jack Daniels with him and we settled in and met on their balcony. The place was gorgeous. The floors and doors were all mahogany, and glistened like glass.
With our drinks in hand we sat on the balcony to talk about our plans and the sites we wanted to see. After a couple of hours of unwinding we dressed and went for dinner. Guess where we went -- My God, I couldn't believe it -- a Chinese Restaurant. WHAAAAAAAAAAAAT. The food was nothing to write home about but it filled the hole.
The next morning we were up early and hungry as bears. We decided to take the car into town, find a grocery store and a liquor store, in that order too. Well the grocery store was pathetic. It reminded me of an old A&P store we used to have at home. It was looked dirty and half the shelves were empty. We picked up some frozen lobsters, bread, milk and PB&J. We had the necessities to eat breakfast and lunch at home if we wanted. Next stop was the liquor store. We spent a few dollars in there as well.
Connie did great driving through Georgetown and I was very impressed. Driving on the wrong side of the road was so confusing and I was scared too death. We drove back to the hotel and grabbed our maps and video camera and off we went. Back thru town and by the boat clubs where they had beautiful sailboats and yachts. Wonder who owned all those expensive toys. Hmmmm, there must have been more KING OF THE MOUNTAINS, than we thought. Well we were sightseeing and made it to where the fishing boats were coming in. GOD did it stink. I heard lots of "HEY MON's" too. Everyone wanted to sell you something and I didn't think anyone was very friendly. Connie told me it was my imagination. The fellow on the boats were unloading huge fish with heads as large as mine. Women who were running the fish markets were grabbing the fish from the sailors and had huge machetes and whacking heads off left and right. DANGER, DANGER! Blood and guts were everywhere.
After a quick tour of the Town we drove back to the hotel and dressed for the beach. I honestly cannot describe the beauty of the beach. We drove down the hill to our hotel's beach club and from there through a beautiful lawn area to the beach. There were lawn chairs waiting for us. All of the trees surrounding us were almond trees. Who knew? We put our bags down and all ran for the water. I felt like I was stepping into my bathtub. The water must have been 90 degrees and was so clear you could see your feet, even in water up to your neck. The waves were broken by rocks pretty far out and it was a gentle lap around your shoulders when they did come in. There were fishermen swimming out with their fishing guns, way beyond the rocks. We weren't sure if they were fishing for themselves or being paid to do it.
I think I stayed in the water until my skin began to shrivel up. I could not bear to get out of it. I was in Heaven. We stayed there until dinner time and went back to our rooms for our cocktails and dinner.
The next morning I got up early and went into my bathroom. It was larger than my bedroom. There was a sink, commode and a shower head, no stall or separation. You just showered in the room. It was great. So I decided to get into the shower before breakfast and turned the water on and lizards and chameleons decided to come thru the wide woven screens to check me out. I saw something move out of the corner of my eye and screamed. Woke Fran and Connie up and they thought it was hysterical. Hell, I had been looking for roaches or spiders knowing that they were hiding and waiting on me to go to bed. I never saw any of those because I am sure the lizards were gobbling them up when they weren't watching me shower. That truly was a shock. I never adjusted. I would walk in the bathroom almost on tippy-toes anticipating their return. Hell they were there waiting on me. How I missed them the first time, I will never know.
After we had had breakfast that morning we decided it was time for a "road trip". Connie especially wanted to go see the rain forest. Of course, I wanted to go see the rain forest too. Probably lots of parrots, monkeys, who knew what else. So off through the town we go and we come to the round-a-bout and Connie didn't have a damned clue which way to go. He stopped. Yes, he stopped. God, don't stop I screamed. Horns were blowing and you could hear yelling and then it was like they realized he was a visitor. Everyone stopped and waved him through with huge smiles. Hmmmmmm, they knew he was King of the Mountain, after all. Of course, once we got thru that mess we were all smiles again.
As we drove up a winding road with the water to our left, we encountered goats and cows tied up and standing in the damned road. The first curve we went around we were met by a van with people hanging out all the doors and windows and Connie started screaming, like a girl. It scared us all too death. Then it was the animals. We almost killed two goats. The vans (they called them buses) were flying and in the middle of the road, like they owned it. We finally got passed all that congestion and headed up the mountain towards the rain forest. Lots of Jim Walter type homes there as well. No windows, but they did have doors. There were yellow, blue and pink houses everywhere. They slowly disappeared the higher up we went. We didn't have a clue where the hell we were. Connie said he knew this had to be the way though. As we drove it really began to look like a jungle/rain forest. Elephant ear type plants and grape vines hung by the roadside. We drove by a beautiful waterfall. We both took pictures of that and the plants. We were pretty much on top of the mountain when we went by a school -- no kidding. Kids were dressed in uniforms. White tops and plaid pants, shorts or skirts. Like Catholic school. Who in the hell lived up here and where did they live. There were 3 different schools up there. We drove through a small village/town. There were dogs and chickens in the road and people standing around smoking and talking. Rather than run over their animals, Connie stopped and nodded and waved. The next thing I knew some woman was trying to jerk my car door open. "WHAT THE HELL", I screamed. She kept jerking and then jerked on Connie's door too. She said to him, "take my baby in your car, she has never been in a car." My God, the kid wasn't two years old and she is trying to throw him in the car with strangers. I am shaking my head no, like she cared. She kept jerking and when she let go, Connie kicked it. Down the road we went in our little car. He was flying around corners and I hadn't taken a Dramamine. OH GOD. I also was getting ready to start filming with the video camera. Who knew how sick you could get doing that.
We drove for another hour or so and came to a fork in the road. Connie decided he would go to the left. I was really uneasy. I began to tell him that we could be killed. Nobody knew where the hell we were, who we were and we could be robbed and our heads cut off with machetes. He told me that I had a great imagination. On down this road we went and it seem to be getting narrower. We saw a clearing ahead and realized as we were almost on top of it that we were crossing a huge crevice with a creek running through it. That was not the bad part -- the bad part was that there were 8 boards (or planks) across this crevice and no railings or anything else. I begged Connie to turn the car around and get out of there. Oh No, he wanted to see what was up ahead. I swear to God, you could hear the planks rise up and then fall back on the one underneath it. It must have been a walking bridge... who would build that for a car? We crossed it without it collapsing and drove about 4 more miles. We ended up at some one's house. No more road. Didn't see a soul either. I still don't know why he and Fran weren't concerned about our safety. We got turned around and headed back to the plank bridge. That bridge was the length of maybe 4 cars and a long way down. We survived the ride back over the bridge and started down the mountain.
I decided it was time to start filming as we headed down. Well Connie is flying around corners and seemed to be in a big ass hurry for some reason. It didn't dawn on me until we stopped to give some hikers (who could have killed us)a ride into town. Now there were three of us in the backseat and we are all talking and introducing ourselves and I am filming and then it hits me. I am getting ready to throw up all over everyone. Oh My God, the car felt like it was 100 degrees inside and I just wanted to get out of the car and get a breath, without throwing up. I seemed to feel a little better w/o the camera. The couple got a little excited too when we got nearer to civilization again and Connie started screaming as he drove. This time we were on the side of the water. Huge drops down rocky cliffs with no guardrails. If we weren't run out of the road by the vans with people hanging out all over them (it was like a Chevy Chase movie) then we were on top of animals tied up before we saw them. Those people asked to get out of the car as soon as we hit the town limits. Connie pulled over to the side and I stepped out of the car to let one of them out and I threw up all over the sidewalk. They never stopped, said sorry you are sick, thanks for the ride -- NOTHING. They hauled ass. I felt much better though. By the time we got home we were all exhausted and nobody felt like going out for dinner. Later that night we walked down the road to the beach club and were entertained by steel drums and a wild and crazy guy who kept taking our requests and singing (or trying) popular songs. He was hysterical.
Next day was beach day again. Connie had gotten beer when we were in town and we carried it down to the beach in a small cloth cooler. We were all spread out on the beach, I had adopted 3 dogs and was feeding them all our chips and crackers when some big black Rastafarian tries to sell us some huge joints. OH GOD, we will be put in prison. I am sure Connie would have loved to but he knew I would die instantly from a heart attack if he did. We played in the water, drank some beer and laughed and two other teenage guys came along. These two were the ones who showed us the almond trees. They were cracking the nuts open and feeding us. Cool.
They entertained us with their gymnastics and swimming. Connie felt like these were his kind of people. He shared his story with them about retiring there and they acted so excited. He told them that we really needed a cooler for our booze on the beach. We had not been able to find a hardware store or anything similar that would have had coolers for sale.
Those guys took Connie for the ride of the day. He gave them $30 to buy him a cooler and we would meet them there tomorrow to pick it up. I shook my head and Fran and I laughed at how gullible he was. He said, "Hell, they are good boys, they know I will give them a big tip". Well I am sure he would have given them a huge tip -- IF HE HAD EVER SEEN THEM AGAIN. SUCKER!!!!!!!! When I wanted to tease him I would tell him for $30 I would go buy him a cooler. He would give me the finger too.
The next day we felt much better and decided we would go to the next town over to the big market we had read about. We pile in to our car and off we go. We made it through the round-a-bout with NO PROBLEM. As we closer to our destination we saw a huge tunnel up ahead. Yep, we had to go through it and the market was on the other side. The tunnel was one way. No lights, no cops, no nothing. How do these people stay alive, they cannot drive and most of the ones we encountered acted as if they didn't have brakes in the car. They would run over top of you and grin and wave as they did. NO PROBLEM MON! There is a line of traffic for the tunnel and there is no rhyme or reason as to whose turn it is. They get tired of waiting and haul ass. Well we did the same thing. The tunnel isn't that long, but who wants to meet one of those vans in there? NOT I!
Safely through the tunnel we see the huge market and tents and people and animals everywhere. I had already decided there was no way in hell you could pay me to live there. Not only that, but everything was so expensive and it was such a poor country. Very depressing and I wasn't the one who had to live there. Anyway, we parked the car at the direction of two policemen who could have cared less about the tunnel behind them. They had white hats and loud whistles and wore white gloves. We start walking thru the rows and rows of tents and we are looking at their vegetables, meats, spices, etc. Grenada is called the Spice Island, FYI. We saw nutmeg, saffron, and lots of other interesting things for sale. Not only meat and produce was for sale there. They sold clothes, goats and chickens. There were Rastafarian's with knit hats on and it looked as though those hats were holding about 40 lbs of dreadlocks. Not a pretty smell or sight.
The Rastafarian were selling coconuts for $1.00. For that, they would let you pick out the coconut you wanted and take it from you and use a machete bigger than me to cut the top off of it. You were to drink the juice and eat the coconut meat as well. We only drank the juice since we did not have a machete handy. GOD!
I somehow got separated from Fran and Connie and walked along looking and touching everything I saw. Couldn't help myself. So some heavyset woman begged me to buy something I touched. She wanted to barter or argue or something. I shook my head and went to the next woman. I think I bought some type of necklace made from nutmeg shells from her. The woman who I evidently "disrespected" by not purchasing anything sent her older soon after my ass. He came up behind me after I purchased the necklace and started screaming and wanting to know why I didn't buy from his mother. Great Kook-A-Monga, let me outta here.(I think that is from the song, Stranded in the Jungle, I love to say it) About the time he was winding down and my eyes were popping out on my cheek, Connie appeared and took me by the arm and led me away. He said "We can't take you anywhere". Obviously.
We decided we had seen enough at the market and headed for the liquor store. Connie's friends had told him to stock up on the rum that was made there. It was delicious and cheap. He should bring a case home. We found the liquor store and they are privately owned. So King of the Mountain goes in and buys a case of rum and has the owner wrap it, suitable for flying home. I bought 2 bottles and I don't even like rum. That night we ate at a french restaurant not far down the hill from our hotel. It was very classy and the food was excellent and expensive. It is no fun to take a vacation if you have to count pennies!
One more day at the beach and we were ready to head home. Our hotel shuttle got us to the airport in plenty of time to make our flight. We walked into the airport and there were 3 ticket agents. Most of the people in line were from the area. They had brown paper bags full of stuff as well as suitcases, held together with duct tape. The fun hadn't even begun til we arrived. The agent and the customers were arguing over the baggage and the weight. I never thought I would ever see people unpacking their clothes ad the ticket counter. They were unpacking and throwing stuff out so that they could make the weight limit. Some of them had family who picked their belongings up and others left the stuff in the floor and went to get on the plane. UNREAL.
When we arrived in Puerto Rico for our plane change, Connie bought more rum, more expensive rum. We finally got on our plane and headed home to D.C. We didn't get into Dulles Airport until Midnight. We were so tired we could hardly keep our eyes open, and we weren't staying the night at the hotel. We needed to be bright eyed and bushy tailed. We make it to the luggage pick up and waited and waited and waited for our box of booze to arrive. Connie said, "I have a bad feeling" and we wanted to know why. He said well as we sat on the plane I watched them unloading luggage and I know I saw some S.O.B. drop my box of rum and spices. Fran started in by telling him he should have wrapped it himself and done a good job and used towels, on and on and on. He told her to shut the hell up that he didn't want to hear her mouth. Why would she listen to that......NOT ME! Finally after 1 hour of waiting our busted box of rum and nutmeg and saffron came around. Connie grabbed that busted box, soaking in rum and smelling like a brewery and threw it across the floor. Then he lost it. Some security guy came over to see what the hassle was and Connie went off like the Atom Bomb. He was gonna see that everyone there got their ass fired, they were gonna pay and someone was going to reimburse him. His blood pressure had to be outta sight. The security guy called in some janitors to mop the rum, nutmeg and saffron up. Someone gave him a claim form to fill out and I think Fran ended up doing it. By the time we finished with that there was no shuttle and we had to take a cab, and pay. We got to our hotel and loaded the car up and headed back to Richmond, I think it was around 4 a.m. when we arrived. We weren't as happy going home as we had been headed to Grenada.
As far as I know, Connie was never reimbursed for the booze. He called and wrote to lots of people. I do agree with Fran that had the box been packed correctly that would never have happened. Connie said if someone hadn't written on the box, "GLASS--DON'T DROP" it probably wouldn't have happened, but that S.O.B......." ha ha.
I will always have my pictures and so far, my memory, of that trip with my brother.
Happy Trails
Sunday, June 14, 2009
WE ARE OFF TO JAMAICA
You know this trip took place about 10 years ago and I remember it like it was yesterday. I need to give you a little background information so you get the full jist.
My brother died from a heart attack in November. He was a great brother and we had a great relationship. He had retired two months earlier from Phillip Morris and was cashing in stock and dumping one of his last girlfriends, building a house on his lot on the Chesapeake Bay. His life was good. His oldest son lived with him and worked in Richmond. Bad things happen to good people sometimes and it certainly did to him. I called him Connie (his name was Howard) but his friends called him HOW-WEIRD.
Connie had been diagnosed with sleep apnea at least 5 years before he died. He told stories that made you laugh til tears ran down your face, especially the stories about him going to sleep at a traffic light downtown Richmond, or during a staff meeting at Phillip Morris with his bosses. He used a CPAP machine to help him breathe at night. He died in his sleep and the CPAP machine was sitting by his bed and had not been plugged up for the night. We think he was probably tired from a big day of fishing, came in fixed a couple of bourbon and water drinks relaxed and went to bed. He had a huge fishing boat and was the Captain who loved taking good looking women out to fish or little kids. The boat's name was YO MAMMA. That was also the license tag for his brand new red diesel truck. He had it made. There was just 18 months between us and we were close and adored each other.
He was a supervisor at Phillip Morris and all his employees adored him. When he retired the employees had a huge limousine come and pick him and his sweetie up and took them out to some fancy restaurant and wined and dined them and showered him with gifts. They all told him they were so jealous. He told them to join him, anyone could retire. He was so happy to tell P.M. to take that job and shove it. He worked long, hard hours and was always tired. He looked exactly like Charlie Daniels, hat, beard, jeans. One time he was at a Charlie Daniels concert in Richmond and people asked him for his autograph. They thought he was Charlie Daniels. I asked him what he did? He said hell, I signed their programs. I asked if he signed his name or Charlie's? He said my own, of course. Those people were in for a shock..... great story and he could tell it in such a way that you were rolling around on the couch laughing at everything he said. When the funeral home director brought his ashes to the house I took them. GOD, it was a heavy cannister but the only thing I could think of was "he ain't heavy, he's my brother". That was so true.
Connie was buried at sea. That had been his request -- to be cremated and everyone go out in a flotilla for his sendoff. A bottle of burbon, of your choice, was to be in each boat. Jimmy, Connie's son, said that in order to shoot off flares in Connie's memory they would have to notify the Coast Guard of what they were doing. The Coast Guard said NO WAY will you do this without penalty of fines. He decided they had been warned, they knew our location and maybe we could "outrun them" (I love that part). The box full of bones and ashes was passed from boat to boat and everyone grabbed a handful of The Main Man. In great order, the boats went to a special location, tossed their ashes, took a drink from the bottle and passed it around to all in the boat. Once those actions were complete the flares went off in unison. Everyone cried -- what a beautiful way to go. We hurried back to the picnic area for dinner and everyone told stories about their good friend and the good time they had had and all the lies they had told.
My brother left me some money. It was a nice amount of money and the husband said SAVE IT, PUT IT IN A C.D. Don't piss it away. Connie would never have wanted that. Sooooo I had heard stories from one of my bosses about Hedonism, Grand Lido Braco and all inclusive resorts in Jamaica. God, that really sounded good. I will admit tht Hedonism looked a little tooo wild for me. I had seen Now we all know, right off the bat, that the husband #1, isn't getting on a plane, #2, had no desire to go to Jamaica, and #3 was not happy with my plan. You can't wait around for him to get happpy, moss will grow on you.
My son, Frank, was in college and had a girlfriend and he was not interested in leaving alone for a week. So I called Karman and she nearly fell down the steps. YIPPPPPPEEEE ----- hell yea, I can take some time off. WHOOPPEEEEEE when does the plane leave. So I made a conference call to a travel agent and he handled it all. What a way to go, on someone else's money.
Karman was in California at the time and we decide we would meet in Baltimore and head out the next morning. I flew from Blacksburg to Dulles and took a shuttle to Baltimore (don't ask why I didn't fly into Baltimore)...... Don't ask I said. I got to the Baltimore airport and got on the hotel shuttle and headed for a little R&R. I got to my hotel and into my room and took all of my clothes off and turned the AC on high and took a power nap in the nude. That was heavenly. When Karman got into Baltimore she took a shuttle as well. We caught up on everything and laughed and hugged at our good fortune. After dinner we asked for a wake up call, showered and got in bed and collapsed til the phone rang at 5 a.m.
Off to the Airport (BMI) we go. It was HUGE. We finally cleared security, nothing like it is now, and sat down with coffee, newspapers, Dramamine and watched all the Jamaican Air planes. They were bright yellow and red. We learned that on the trip they kept your champagne glasses full. Hey, that was music to my ears. I was ready for the BOOZIN AND CRUZIN. As the plane begins to fill up, we notice Jmacians headed back home with their children. I told Karman we were probably going to have to get drunk to survive the flight when those snotty kids started screaming. Believe me, they did. At that time I thought the stewardess should offer us a drink she didn't. So I asked her. She was very gracious and brought on the booze. Hell, I didn't care whether it was gonna mix well with Dramamine or not. We guzzled and giggled and cussed under our breaths at screaming kids. We flew over water most of the way and it was wonderful.
Time flew by with the help of Mimosas and Dramamine tablets. Next thing you know --- we're there. The plane door was opened and a great gush of hot air hit us in the face. OH MY GOD, a week in heaven. We had no idea for the scene in the airport. Complete chaos. I thought the plane was full of screaming kids, the airport was a zoo. We were finally able to locate baggage and the excitement was building even more. Then we saw someone holding up a sign with our names on it; JUST LIKE THE MOVIES. So we semi-run to that person and he tells us to go to a certain van that will take us to our Resort. Well, we walked out of the airport to find at least 100 Jamacian taxi drivers yelling at us and trying to take our luggage. Karman and I were taken aback. We realized we needed the van that had the logo of our resort on it. So we are fighting to hold on to our luggage and men in colorful knitted caps are trying to drag us over to their van. Fights ensued, cursing began, horns were blowing and airport security was waving their billy clubs and using their whistles to try and get control. We saw the logo Grand Lido Braco Village and took off in a trot. We were the first ones on and I told Karman thank God I have taken all the Dramamines in my purse cause if I have to ride in this van I am gonna be sick. Little did I know that we were going to be driving like a bat out of hell on the wrong side of the road. There was lots of screaming and horn blowing as we sped down the crooked road.
Well the countryside was beautiful but all of the houses looked like Jim Walters' homes with no windows. Maybe they did have screens, but from the road we could not tell. They were all multi-colored pastels. We were shocked. I knew it was a poor country but I was not prepared for what I saw. Around twenty minutes later we pulled thru the gates of Grand Lido Braco Village. Oh My God. Heaven, I'm in Heaven........I actually sang that song. YAYYYYYYY, we're here was all that Karman and I could say. So the buses unloaded, guys unloaded our baggage up at the main House and we were served rum punch. Karman nor I either one like rum, but when in Rome....... We found a nice rocking chair on the verandah and rocked and drank. We looked around the grounds and realized that the very front of the Resort was a 9 hole golf course. The grounds were beautiful. Hibiscus of every color were in bloom and there were gardenias and roses that you could smell way before you could see them. Well we waited and people were ushered away with a valet and we wondered WTF???? Well, as it turns out, they forgot us and realized we were sitting on the verasndah. Made us feel really important -- how the hell can they forget you? We were two hot women!!!! That was Hurtful.
Two Jamacian men in white uniforms came out and offered us more punch which we declined, then they apologized for the oversight and informed us due to their oversight, they were upgrading us to the NUDIST SECTION. Well I got stiff-legged (and I mean that in a good way). I tried not to swallow my tongue or scream or fall over the railing but I did manage to pinch the shit out of Karman's side. She just shook her head at me. The valets grabbed our bags and off we go. I was skipping and smelling flowers and not paying a lot of attention to anything. All of the buildings were apartments with front porches and balconys. We were on the 2nd floor in a suite. HOLY CRAP. We had two queen sized beds with mints and a beautiful hibiscus on each pillow. There was a sofa with two easy chairs, television and refrigerator/bar. It is an all inclusive resort and I that's the only way I ever want to travel.
The first thing Karman did was start jumping up and down on the bed like a kid. I have her picture -- she is in the air. My first priority was to run out on the balcony and see all the naked men. (or as Babs would say NEKID). Well there they were, in all their glory. More older men than younger, but they were there and it was all hanging out. Just for me....... Karman yelled "Don't look Ethel". HAHA. I think she meant don't stare. I ran back in and got a hat and sundglsses so no one could see where I was looking. Karman said I am going to call Kreg and tell him we've been upgraded to the nudist section. I said Yea, call him. He will have a heart attack. Well he told Karman to say "Don't look Ethel" -- they're nothing if not original. After Karman hung the phone up we started checking the room. The fridge was full of all kinds of booze and soft drinks and snacks. Then I spotted a lizzard. Damn, that took the J out of Joy. I hate bugs and lizards. I don't want to share my space with either of them. Karman and I put the hibiscus behind our ears and got ready to mix a drink. The fridge held everything but ICE. Where was the damn ice? Karman ran and jumped on the bed and called the desk. You needed to go outside to the thatch covered bar for mixed drinks, ice, cokes, etc. I took the ice bucket and galloped down the steps and around the corner to the bar when it hit me that everyone there, except the bartenders, were buck naked. WTF? Nudist Section, what did I expect. I did a quick turn around and walked as fast as I could back to the room. Karman opened the door and I informed her about the nudist and she laughed and laughed. Nudist Section Gail, don't forget we have been UPGRADED. I don't think I was quite ready for the real thing, it was hitting home.
The nudist section is a very small section of the Resort. On the other end of the resort are hotel like buildings. In between the nudist section and the grand pavilion were other condos like ours but were for those who wore clothes all day. I told Karman that I truly could not live with myself if I didn't get NEKID. Come all that way, stay in the most expensive part of the resort ahhhhhhhhhh I couldn't help myself.
It was Karman's time to get stiff legged. She was so tickled that I was gonna go nude and she said she would tell Kreg and he would be so pissed. So we sipped iceless drinks and make a plan. My kids had never even seen me without clothes and I am gonna show everyone from air to sea. Oh, that's another thing -- there were helicopters flying all over the place. Wonder what they were looking for. We later were told that that was a no fly zone. I said that was B.S. They were flying all over our zone. So I stripped to the flabby white skin that had never seen daylight and wrapped my big ole beach towel around me as tight as possible and told Karman to watch for me on the balcony and take a picture. She screamed -- of you nude? I know that was a scarey thought for her. I said no, I will take the towel off when I get on the lounge chair. You take the picture and all you will really be able to tell is that I don't have a swim suit on. We had a plan. So I walked down the front steps, past the nudie bar and a bunch of white asses hanging off the stools (that is not sanitary) and there was the beautiful white sand and acquamarine colored water, just like in photographs you see. I stepped a little quicker when I spotted an empty chair, nobody near. I turned to make sure Karman was in her position. Ready, Camera, Action. Very carefully I lowered this sluggish body down on the lounge chair. Very carefully, I lifted both legs up on the chair (I looked like a papoose). I adjusted the arms and the back and slightly tilted the back so I had a beautiful view of the nekkid men in the water, walking with their friends on the beach or just the gorgeous view up the beach towards the main Resort area. So I was prepared for the unveiling. I took a deep breath, and untwisted the towel that was holding me hostage and dropped it by my side. I thought Jesus, my boobs and stomach are really white, how ugly. I'm checking myself out when a shadow covers me up. I know I said a quick prayer, "let it be a cloud"...... oh no, a cloud would have been tooooo easy. It was a grounds worker. That S.O.B. had been waiting, probably behind a large coconut tree or a hibiscus bush for me. I know he saw me get out of the van and thought, mmmmmmmmhuh......she is good looking woman.... I will see her nude. JOKE!!!! Back to the shadow covering the white body. I said "WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT" he said good afternoon mam, lovely day mam, hope you are enjoying yourelf mam and never quit looking at the white belly and boobs and the lower fatty areas. HOLY CANOLI, I grabbed that towel and nearly killed both of us trying to get up and get the hell off that beach. Karman saw it all and I thought we might have to hosptialize her. She was hysterical and couldn't get her breath. She said she had never seen me move that fast in her life. She said it was so obvious that he stood in wait for me to drop the towel. She said if she had yelled, I probably would not have heard her and/or I would have turned around right into his face. Which was worse. Talk about high stepping, I hauled my ass up the sidewalk and stairs and back to the room where I fell on the bed and laughed myself too death. I should have reported his ass, but I WAS IN THE NUDIST SECTION.....
Karman and I took a nap after all the excitement and by dinner time we were starving. We followed the crowd to the Grand Pavilion and what a sight that was. A huge open air ballroom with gauzy curtains blowing in a mild warm wind. There were over 100 tables for sitting and at least five large tables full of food. The food was to die for. The first table you came to was nothing but fruit. That suited us just fine (we thought). You know how hard it is to peel a mango right? There were huge silver platters with nothing but sliced mangos, another of pineapple, another of guava, and all kinds of native fruit. The presentation looked as if Martha Stewart had been in charge, lovely. Then there was a table of salad fixings. The next was vegetables and the next was meats and seafood and the last table was desserts. You could have anything you desired to drink -- alcohol, tea, juice, etc. The eating tables were covered with white linen cloths and each had a beautiful flower arrangement in the middle and wicker chairs. Died and gone to heaven, I'm telling ya. We gorged and gorged and gorged. Then we took a walk around the pool, saw a bar and concrete stools in the middle of the pool, and then we saw the beach all lit with tiki lights, hammocks hanging from coconut trees, paddle boats, etc. How romantic, but not for the two of us. I am pretty sure Karman was having thoughts of her significant other and I was so happy I was having no thoughts at all. I think we stayed awake til 10 pm and got in bed and talked and laughed thru the night.
The next morning was beautiful. Heck, everyday we were there was beautiful. The sun was up and we were off to breakfast. Karman had questions about our beach adventures for the day. I told her we would wait and see. We headed down the steps to the walkway and OH MY GOD -- at the bottom of the steps is a beautiful specimen of a man. OH LORD -- he was naked. Is it butt naked or buck naked, I have never known. We only had about 12 steps to walk down and I felt like I was going to fall down all 12. Well Mr. Naked was posed so perfectly. Not only was he posed, he was smoking a damn cigar. I love to smell cigars. I may have been able to take one more step before Karman pinched one of my love handles and said "settle down Bevus". I told her to go slower, slow down Karman. She once again tried to pinch me and I dodged her as I took in eye candy. Of course when we got to the last step he turned and our eyes met.....ONLY KIDDING. He was checking to see if we were looking at his better points and he saw that I was. I said good morning to him and he totally ignored us. Not sure why, buttttttttttttttttttt I told Karman I was going to look each time I had the chance. First of all he could have been smoking on his "back" patio and not right out front. We need to remind ourselves we are in the nudist section -- how could I ever forget. So we left MR. COCKY (no pun intended) and headed for breakfast. Wow -- it was as grand as our dinner. More fruit and chefs at their tables ready to fix your choice meat or omlet. Of course there were more mimosas and that made me so happy. There's just something about free champagne that I love. Not only was it free it was the good stuff. No cheapo booze there. We were stuffed by the time breakfast was over. Back to the room and I was trying not to skip back to Mr. Cocky, but it wouldn't have mattered -- he was gone, showing off to someone else.
They have so many activities at the Braco. There is a new list each morning and you signed up for the next day. We had signed up for a manicure and pedicure at the spa and then in the afternoon we were each getting a massage. Believe it or not, those were all firsts for me. Also offered at the spa was a haircut or cornrows or extensions. My hair was way too short for cornrows and I cannot imagine that look would flatter me at all but I wish I had tried extensions but since you were offered one of each of the items, I would have paid (probably big bucks) big time, I'm sure. The massage was wonderful too. I could have had it done outside but decided against that -- I didn't want to be ogled like a "piece of meat" hahahahaha.
In addition to all that pampering you could take scuba lessons, snorkel, go fishing, sailing and lots of other activities. Karman thought snorkeling lessons would be fun and it was. LeRoy was our instructor and he and Karman hit it off right away. Karman thought we should both try to snorkel. Neither of us are very good swimmers but we were going to learn to snorkel in waist-deep water. Oh My God, the water looked exactly like it does in photos of the Caribbean. Acquamarine water filled with beautiful little tropical fish that were so many different shapes and colors. LeRoy was excited to begin. He had our snorkels and our flippers in his hand. Hey, no problem. How hard could this be, I thought. I wonder what the people on the beach thought when they saw us trying to get those flippers on. I watched Karman balance on one foot slip that flipper on and raise the other and no problem. Then I tried to get the flippers on. I was all over the place. One leg up and head over heels. I tried and I tried. Finally, between Karman and LeRoy they got the flippers on me. If I thought that was hard, I didn't have a clue. I learned not only was I a klutz, but I could not breathe thru a snorkel, my nose or my mouth underwater. I tired, God knows I tried. I was wasting precious time that could have been spent enjoying the underwater sights. I told LeRoy and Karman to go for it. I took off the snorkel and the mask and decided it would be too embarassing for me and the people on the beach to try and get those damn flippers off by myself. I decided while Karman and LeRoy did their thing I would walk around and let the fish nibble my legs and flippers. What a cool feeling to feel them nibbling around my legs and ankles. It felt wonderful -- I could get used to that. While the fish were nibbling I was not paying attention and fell over the biggest damn rock which definitely did not belong in the water. It still amazes me that I could walk around that whole beach and fall over the only boulder in the water. I nearly killed myself. I tore the skin off of my knee and hurt my pride. It was a good thing the tropical fish were not pirranahs, I would have lost a leg.
Karman was a quick study and she and LeRoy went out to the breakers and had a great time.
We had signed up earlier in the week to go to the famous falls, Dunn's River Falls. We had no idea that we were going to be stopping along the way at different places. The first place we stopped was on the top of a hill. Not only did the people live there but they had erected their own little make shift shops. They sold all kinds of tye dyed shirts with cute sayings on them and they also had clothes they had obviously bought somewhere else to sell. Everyone sold silly hats made from coconut frams. It was amazing to watch them create those hats and for all the work they had into them they asked very little. Lots of bartering went on and they wanted U.S. dollars for everything. Next stop was in a little town where we all piled out of the van and went into a wild-colored restaurant to have some "jerk" food. After our bellies were full we took a stroll to the tax-free store. WOW, the first thing I was diamonds and more diamonds and I wanted them all. I was quickly distracted by a friendly guy offering us jiggers of bananna or coconut rum. That's what I'm talking about. I don't even like banannas or rum. I just couldn't get enough, I started asking for another jigger. They were happy to oblige. We left that store with several bottles of each kind of rum. I never drank the rum and ended up throwing it away about 5 years ago, after hauling all the way home from Jamaica. UNREAL. Our next stop was a "quickie". We pulled over on the side of the road to see a beautiful home on top of a hill. That home was in one of the James Bond movies. As we got closer to the falls the excitement grew. We all had on swimsuits under our clothes and we were starting to get warm. The van unloaded us at the entrance to the falls and we were directed to a place to get our rubber slippers. I really expected to see the falls immediately and jump right in. WRONG!!!!!! There is a huge concrete walkway to the water and the falls run along side of the walkway. We walked all the way down to the beach and lo and behold there were huge yachts parked in the water. What a life. Karman and I took our time before starting up the falls. You walk UP the falls, not DOWN. We played in the water for awhile and watched as groups were lined up for the trek back up. I decided there was no way in hell I was walking up those slick rocks holding someone's hand. So I didn't. Karman, always the sport, jumped right in and off she went. After Karman left I was bored and followed the group on the sidewalk. Everyone had a good time, the bus headed home and we were all exhausted.
The following day was spent around the pool. I drank a lot of great drinks while I was in pool with the "in pool bar and concrete stools". Remember me telling about my coordination and the flippers in the water, that was nothing compared to getting my big ass up on a float. That is really hard to do. Several women tried to help me and then it was decided it was gonna have to be a STRONG man to get me on a float. They were right about that, the man tried and said we are going to go over to one of those bar stools, you will stand on it and we will hold the float while you grab on. It really did work, but I had the attention of the whole pool by then. There is one thing you never want to do on the islands and that is to look in your glass after the ice melts. Not a pretty picture and you wonder what the hell you have been putting in your stomach all week and whether you will survive the ride home.
The days passed quickly. I found a beautiful jewelery story at the Resort. Karman and I were taking a walk after dinner and the fellow was just closing up. I rushed in and saw a ring that I had to have. Lots of Gold, pave diamonds and a beautiful greeen tourmaline stone. We bartered and he made me think that I won. I thought I did. He gave me my duty forms, etc and I walked out of there holding my hand about 2 feet out in front of me admiring my ring. What a great surprise that was.
Karman and I finshed our week going between the pools, the ocean and the small restaurants. The restaurants were wonderful too. There was French, Japanese, Italian, and a jerky station. those were in addition to the huge meals held outdoors.
The day came to pack 'em up and head 'em out. Porters took our bags to the vans that were waiting for us and I was popping Dramamine anticipating the ride on the wrong side of the road and then the flight back to D.C. A couple who had been at the Resort ask me if I had my Duty Form to pay tax on my HUGE RING. I broke out in a sweat and tried to figure out where I could hide it on my body and wondered if they would let me back in the U.S. if I didn't. Hell, I didn't even know what the tax would be, I just knew I didn't want to pay it. I wadded the warranty and the forms into a ball the size of your thumbnail and stuck it in my bra. "No worry, No problem Mon."
Coming next is another island trip with Connie and his girfriend, Fran. That trip was to Grenada so Connie could look for retirement digs.
Happy Trails
My brother died from a heart attack in November. He was a great brother and we had a great relationship. He had retired two months earlier from Phillip Morris and was cashing in stock and dumping one of his last girlfriends, building a house on his lot on the Chesapeake Bay. His life was good. His oldest son lived with him and worked in Richmond. Bad things happen to good people sometimes and it certainly did to him. I called him Connie (his name was Howard) but his friends called him HOW-WEIRD.
Connie had been diagnosed with sleep apnea at least 5 years before he died. He told stories that made you laugh til tears ran down your face, especially the stories about him going to sleep at a traffic light downtown Richmond, or during a staff meeting at Phillip Morris with his bosses. He used a CPAP machine to help him breathe at night. He died in his sleep and the CPAP machine was sitting by his bed and had not been plugged up for the night. We think he was probably tired from a big day of fishing, came in fixed a couple of bourbon and water drinks relaxed and went to bed. He had a huge fishing boat and was the Captain who loved taking good looking women out to fish or little kids. The boat's name was YO MAMMA. That was also the license tag for his brand new red diesel truck. He had it made. There was just 18 months between us and we were close and adored each other.
He was a supervisor at Phillip Morris and all his employees adored him. When he retired the employees had a huge limousine come and pick him and his sweetie up and took them out to some fancy restaurant and wined and dined them and showered him with gifts. They all told him they were so jealous. He told them to join him, anyone could retire. He was so happy to tell P.M. to take that job and shove it. He worked long, hard hours and was always tired. He looked exactly like Charlie Daniels, hat, beard, jeans. One time he was at a Charlie Daniels concert in Richmond and people asked him for his autograph. They thought he was Charlie Daniels. I asked him what he did? He said hell, I signed their programs. I asked if he signed his name or Charlie's? He said my own, of course. Those people were in for a shock..... great story and he could tell it in such a way that you were rolling around on the couch laughing at everything he said. When the funeral home director brought his ashes to the house I took them. GOD, it was a heavy cannister but the only thing I could think of was "he ain't heavy, he's my brother". That was so true.
Connie was buried at sea. That had been his request -- to be cremated and everyone go out in a flotilla for his sendoff. A bottle of burbon, of your choice, was to be in each boat. Jimmy, Connie's son, said that in order to shoot off flares in Connie's memory they would have to notify the Coast Guard of what they were doing. The Coast Guard said NO WAY will you do this without penalty of fines. He decided they had been warned, they knew our location and maybe we could "outrun them" (I love that part). The box full of bones and ashes was passed from boat to boat and everyone grabbed a handful of The Main Man. In great order, the boats went to a special location, tossed their ashes, took a drink from the bottle and passed it around to all in the boat. Once those actions were complete the flares went off in unison. Everyone cried -- what a beautiful way to go. We hurried back to the picnic area for dinner and everyone told stories about their good friend and the good time they had had and all the lies they had told.
My brother left me some money. It was a nice amount of money and the husband said SAVE IT, PUT IT IN A C.D. Don't piss it away. Connie would never have wanted that. Sooooo I had heard stories from one of my bosses about Hedonism, Grand Lido Braco and all inclusive resorts in Jamaica. God, that really sounded good. I will admit tht Hedonism looked a little tooo wild for me. I had seen Now we all know, right off the bat, that the husband #1, isn't getting on a plane, #2, had no desire to go to Jamaica, and #3 was not happy with my plan. You can't wait around for him to get happpy, moss will grow on you.
My son, Frank, was in college and had a girlfriend and he was not interested in leaving alone for a week. So I called Karman and she nearly fell down the steps. YIPPPPPPEEEE ----- hell yea, I can take some time off. WHOOPPEEEEEE when does the plane leave. So I made a conference call to a travel agent and he handled it all. What a way to go, on someone else's money.
Karman was in California at the time and we decide we would meet in Baltimore and head out the next morning. I flew from Blacksburg to Dulles and took a shuttle to Baltimore (don't ask why I didn't fly into Baltimore)...... Don't ask I said. I got to the Baltimore airport and got on the hotel shuttle and headed for a little R&R. I got to my hotel and into my room and took all of my clothes off and turned the AC on high and took a power nap in the nude. That was heavenly. When Karman got into Baltimore she took a shuttle as well. We caught up on everything and laughed and hugged at our good fortune. After dinner we asked for a wake up call, showered and got in bed and collapsed til the phone rang at 5 a.m.
Off to the Airport (BMI) we go. It was HUGE. We finally cleared security, nothing like it is now, and sat down with coffee, newspapers, Dramamine and watched all the Jamaican Air planes. They were bright yellow and red. We learned that on the trip they kept your champagne glasses full. Hey, that was music to my ears. I was ready for the BOOZIN AND CRUZIN. As the plane begins to fill up, we notice Jmacians headed back home with their children. I told Karman we were probably going to have to get drunk to survive the flight when those snotty kids started screaming. Believe me, they did. At that time I thought the stewardess should offer us a drink she didn't. So I asked her. She was very gracious and brought on the booze. Hell, I didn't care whether it was gonna mix well with Dramamine or not. We guzzled and giggled and cussed under our breaths at screaming kids. We flew over water most of the way and it was wonderful.
Time flew by with the help of Mimosas and Dramamine tablets. Next thing you know --- we're there. The plane door was opened and a great gush of hot air hit us in the face. OH MY GOD, a week in heaven. We had no idea for the scene in the airport. Complete chaos. I thought the plane was full of screaming kids, the airport was a zoo. We were finally able to locate baggage and the excitement was building even more. Then we saw someone holding up a sign with our names on it; JUST LIKE THE MOVIES. So we semi-run to that person and he tells us to go to a certain van that will take us to our Resort. Well, we walked out of the airport to find at least 100 Jamacian taxi drivers yelling at us and trying to take our luggage. Karman and I were taken aback. We realized we needed the van that had the logo of our resort on it. So we are fighting to hold on to our luggage and men in colorful knitted caps are trying to drag us over to their van. Fights ensued, cursing began, horns were blowing and airport security was waving their billy clubs and using their whistles to try and get control. We saw the logo Grand Lido Braco Village and took off in a trot. We were the first ones on and I told Karman thank God I have taken all the Dramamines in my purse cause if I have to ride in this van I am gonna be sick. Little did I know that we were going to be driving like a bat out of hell on the wrong side of the road. There was lots of screaming and horn blowing as we sped down the crooked road.
Well the countryside was beautiful but all of the houses looked like Jim Walters' homes with no windows. Maybe they did have screens, but from the road we could not tell. They were all multi-colored pastels. We were shocked. I knew it was a poor country but I was not prepared for what I saw. Around twenty minutes later we pulled thru the gates of Grand Lido Braco Village. Oh My God. Heaven, I'm in Heaven........I actually sang that song. YAYYYYYYY, we're here was all that Karman and I could say. So the buses unloaded, guys unloaded our baggage up at the main House and we were served rum punch. Karman nor I either one like rum, but when in Rome....... We found a nice rocking chair on the verandah and rocked and drank. We looked around the grounds and realized that the very front of the Resort was a 9 hole golf course. The grounds were beautiful. Hibiscus of every color were in bloom and there were gardenias and roses that you could smell way before you could see them. Well we waited and people were ushered away with a valet and we wondered WTF???? Well, as it turns out, they forgot us and realized we were sitting on the verasndah. Made us feel really important -- how the hell can they forget you? We were two hot women!!!! That was Hurtful.
Two Jamacian men in white uniforms came out and offered us more punch which we declined, then they apologized for the oversight and informed us due to their oversight, they were upgrading us to the NUDIST SECTION. Well I got stiff-legged (and I mean that in a good way). I tried not to swallow my tongue or scream or fall over the railing but I did manage to pinch the shit out of Karman's side. She just shook her head at me. The valets grabbed our bags and off we go. I was skipping and smelling flowers and not paying a lot of attention to anything. All of the buildings were apartments with front porches and balconys. We were on the 2nd floor in a suite. HOLY CRAP. We had two queen sized beds with mints and a beautiful hibiscus on each pillow. There was a sofa with two easy chairs, television and refrigerator/bar. It is an all inclusive resort and I that's the only way I ever want to travel.
The first thing Karman did was start jumping up and down on the bed like a kid. I have her picture -- she is in the air. My first priority was to run out on the balcony and see all the naked men. (or as Babs would say NEKID). Well there they were, in all their glory. More older men than younger, but they were there and it was all hanging out. Just for me....... Karman yelled "Don't look Ethel". HAHA. I think she meant don't stare. I ran back in and got a hat and sundglsses so no one could see where I was looking. Karman said I am going to call Kreg and tell him we've been upgraded to the nudist section. I said Yea, call him. He will have a heart attack. Well he told Karman to say "Don't look Ethel" -- they're nothing if not original. After Karman hung the phone up we started checking the room. The fridge was full of all kinds of booze and soft drinks and snacks. Then I spotted a lizzard. Damn, that took the J out of Joy. I hate bugs and lizards. I don't want to share my space with either of them. Karman and I put the hibiscus behind our ears and got ready to mix a drink. The fridge held everything but ICE. Where was the damn ice? Karman ran and jumped on the bed and called the desk. You needed to go outside to the thatch covered bar for mixed drinks, ice, cokes, etc. I took the ice bucket and galloped down the steps and around the corner to the bar when it hit me that everyone there, except the bartenders, were buck naked. WTF? Nudist Section, what did I expect. I did a quick turn around and walked as fast as I could back to the room. Karman opened the door and I informed her about the nudist and she laughed and laughed. Nudist Section Gail, don't forget we have been UPGRADED. I don't think I was quite ready for the real thing, it was hitting home.
The nudist section is a very small section of the Resort. On the other end of the resort are hotel like buildings. In between the nudist section and the grand pavilion were other condos like ours but were for those who wore clothes all day. I told Karman that I truly could not live with myself if I didn't get NEKID. Come all that way, stay in the most expensive part of the resort ahhhhhhhhhh I couldn't help myself.
It was Karman's time to get stiff legged. She was so tickled that I was gonna go nude and she said she would tell Kreg and he would be so pissed. So we sipped iceless drinks and make a plan. My kids had never even seen me without clothes and I am gonna show everyone from air to sea. Oh, that's another thing -- there were helicopters flying all over the place. Wonder what they were looking for. We later were told that that was a no fly zone. I said that was B.S. They were flying all over our zone. So I stripped to the flabby white skin that had never seen daylight and wrapped my big ole beach towel around me as tight as possible and told Karman to watch for me on the balcony and take a picture. She screamed -- of you nude? I know that was a scarey thought for her. I said no, I will take the towel off when I get on the lounge chair. You take the picture and all you will really be able to tell is that I don't have a swim suit on. We had a plan. So I walked down the front steps, past the nudie bar and a bunch of white asses hanging off the stools (that is not sanitary) and there was the beautiful white sand and acquamarine colored water, just like in photographs you see. I stepped a little quicker when I spotted an empty chair, nobody near. I turned to make sure Karman was in her position. Ready, Camera, Action. Very carefully I lowered this sluggish body down on the lounge chair. Very carefully, I lifted both legs up on the chair (I looked like a papoose). I adjusted the arms and the back and slightly tilted the back so I had a beautiful view of the nekkid men in the water, walking with their friends on the beach or just the gorgeous view up the beach towards the main Resort area. So I was prepared for the unveiling. I took a deep breath, and untwisted the towel that was holding me hostage and dropped it by my side. I thought Jesus, my boobs and stomach are really white, how ugly. I'm checking myself out when a shadow covers me up. I know I said a quick prayer, "let it be a cloud"...... oh no, a cloud would have been tooooo easy. It was a grounds worker. That S.O.B. had been waiting, probably behind a large coconut tree or a hibiscus bush for me. I know he saw me get out of the van and thought, mmmmmmmmhuh......she is good looking woman.... I will see her nude. JOKE!!!! Back to the shadow covering the white body. I said "WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT" he said good afternoon mam, lovely day mam, hope you are enjoying yourelf mam and never quit looking at the white belly and boobs and the lower fatty areas. HOLY CANOLI, I grabbed that towel and nearly killed both of us trying to get up and get the hell off that beach. Karman saw it all and I thought we might have to hosptialize her. She was hysterical and couldn't get her breath. She said she had never seen me move that fast in her life. She said it was so obvious that he stood in wait for me to drop the towel. She said if she had yelled, I probably would not have heard her and/or I would have turned around right into his face. Which was worse. Talk about high stepping, I hauled my ass up the sidewalk and stairs and back to the room where I fell on the bed and laughed myself too death. I should have reported his ass, but I WAS IN THE NUDIST SECTION.....
Karman and I took a nap after all the excitement and by dinner time we were starving. We followed the crowd to the Grand Pavilion and what a sight that was. A huge open air ballroom with gauzy curtains blowing in a mild warm wind. There were over 100 tables for sitting and at least five large tables full of food. The food was to die for. The first table you came to was nothing but fruit. That suited us just fine (we thought). You know how hard it is to peel a mango right? There were huge silver platters with nothing but sliced mangos, another of pineapple, another of guava, and all kinds of native fruit. The presentation looked as if Martha Stewart had been in charge, lovely. Then there was a table of salad fixings. The next was vegetables and the next was meats and seafood and the last table was desserts. You could have anything you desired to drink -- alcohol, tea, juice, etc. The eating tables were covered with white linen cloths and each had a beautiful flower arrangement in the middle and wicker chairs. Died and gone to heaven, I'm telling ya. We gorged and gorged and gorged. Then we took a walk around the pool, saw a bar and concrete stools in the middle of the pool, and then we saw the beach all lit with tiki lights, hammocks hanging from coconut trees, paddle boats, etc. How romantic, but not for the two of us. I am pretty sure Karman was having thoughts of her significant other and I was so happy I was having no thoughts at all. I think we stayed awake til 10 pm and got in bed and talked and laughed thru the night.
The next morning was beautiful. Heck, everyday we were there was beautiful. The sun was up and we were off to breakfast. Karman had questions about our beach adventures for the day. I told her we would wait and see. We headed down the steps to the walkway and OH MY GOD -- at the bottom of the steps is a beautiful specimen of a man. OH LORD -- he was naked. Is it butt naked or buck naked, I have never known. We only had about 12 steps to walk down and I felt like I was going to fall down all 12. Well Mr. Naked was posed so perfectly. Not only was he posed, he was smoking a damn cigar. I love to smell cigars. I may have been able to take one more step before Karman pinched one of my love handles and said "settle down Bevus". I told her to go slower, slow down Karman. She once again tried to pinch me and I dodged her as I took in eye candy. Of course when we got to the last step he turned and our eyes met.....ONLY KIDDING. He was checking to see if we were looking at his better points and he saw that I was. I said good morning to him and he totally ignored us. Not sure why, buttttttttttttttttttt I told Karman I was going to look each time I had the chance. First of all he could have been smoking on his "back" patio and not right out front. We need to remind ourselves we are in the nudist section -- how could I ever forget. So we left MR. COCKY (no pun intended) and headed for breakfast. Wow -- it was as grand as our dinner. More fruit and chefs at their tables ready to fix your choice meat or omlet. Of course there were more mimosas and that made me so happy. There's just something about free champagne that I love. Not only was it free it was the good stuff. No cheapo booze there. We were stuffed by the time breakfast was over. Back to the room and I was trying not to skip back to Mr. Cocky, but it wouldn't have mattered -- he was gone, showing off to someone else.
They have so many activities at the Braco. There is a new list each morning and you signed up for the next day. We had signed up for a manicure and pedicure at the spa and then in the afternoon we were each getting a massage. Believe it or not, those were all firsts for me. Also offered at the spa was a haircut or cornrows or extensions. My hair was way too short for cornrows and I cannot imagine that look would flatter me at all but I wish I had tried extensions but since you were offered one of each of the items, I would have paid (probably big bucks) big time, I'm sure. The massage was wonderful too. I could have had it done outside but decided against that -- I didn't want to be ogled like a "piece of meat" hahahahaha.
In addition to all that pampering you could take scuba lessons, snorkel, go fishing, sailing and lots of other activities. Karman thought snorkeling lessons would be fun and it was. LeRoy was our instructor and he and Karman hit it off right away. Karman thought we should both try to snorkel. Neither of us are very good swimmers but we were going to learn to snorkel in waist-deep water. Oh My God, the water looked exactly like it does in photos of the Caribbean. Acquamarine water filled with beautiful little tropical fish that were so many different shapes and colors. LeRoy was excited to begin. He had our snorkels and our flippers in his hand. Hey, no problem. How hard could this be, I thought. I wonder what the people on the beach thought when they saw us trying to get those flippers on. I watched Karman balance on one foot slip that flipper on and raise the other and no problem. Then I tried to get the flippers on. I was all over the place. One leg up and head over heels. I tried and I tried. Finally, between Karman and LeRoy they got the flippers on me. If I thought that was hard, I didn't have a clue. I learned not only was I a klutz, but I could not breathe thru a snorkel, my nose or my mouth underwater. I tired, God knows I tried. I was wasting precious time that could have been spent enjoying the underwater sights. I told LeRoy and Karman to go for it. I took off the snorkel and the mask and decided it would be too embarassing for me and the people on the beach to try and get those damn flippers off by myself. I decided while Karman and LeRoy did their thing I would walk around and let the fish nibble my legs and flippers. What a cool feeling to feel them nibbling around my legs and ankles. It felt wonderful -- I could get used to that. While the fish were nibbling I was not paying attention and fell over the biggest damn rock which definitely did not belong in the water. It still amazes me that I could walk around that whole beach and fall over the only boulder in the water. I nearly killed myself. I tore the skin off of my knee and hurt my pride. It was a good thing the tropical fish were not pirranahs, I would have lost a leg.
Karman was a quick study and she and LeRoy went out to the breakers and had a great time.
We had signed up earlier in the week to go to the famous falls, Dunn's River Falls. We had no idea that we were going to be stopping along the way at different places. The first place we stopped was on the top of a hill. Not only did the people live there but they had erected their own little make shift shops. They sold all kinds of tye dyed shirts with cute sayings on them and they also had clothes they had obviously bought somewhere else to sell. Everyone sold silly hats made from coconut frams. It was amazing to watch them create those hats and for all the work they had into them they asked very little. Lots of bartering went on and they wanted U.S. dollars for everything. Next stop was in a little town where we all piled out of the van and went into a wild-colored restaurant to have some "jerk" food. After our bellies were full we took a stroll to the tax-free store. WOW, the first thing I was diamonds and more diamonds and I wanted them all. I was quickly distracted by a friendly guy offering us jiggers of bananna or coconut rum. That's what I'm talking about. I don't even like banannas or rum. I just couldn't get enough, I started asking for another jigger. They were happy to oblige. We left that store with several bottles of each kind of rum. I never drank the rum and ended up throwing it away about 5 years ago, after hauling all the way home from Jamaica. UNREAL. Our next stop was a "quickie". We pulled over on the side of the road to see a beautiful home on top of a hill. That home was in one of the James Bond movies. As we got closer to the falls the excitement grew. We all had on swimsuits under our clothes and we were starting to get warm. The van unloaded us at the entrance to the falls and we were directed to a place to get our rubber slippers. I really expected to see the falls immediately and jump right in. WRONG!!!!!! There is a huge concrete walkway to the water and the falls run along side of the walkway. We walked all the way down to the beach and lo and behold there were huge yachts parked in the water. What a life. Karman and I took our time before starting up the falls. You walk UP the falls, not DOWN. We played in the water for awhile and watched as groups were lined up for the trek back up. I decided there was no way in hell I was walking up those slick rocks holding someone's hand. So I didn't. Karman, always the sport, jumped right in and off she went. After Karman left I was bored and followed the group on the sidewalk. Everyone had a good time, the bus headed home and we were all exhausted.
The following day was spent around the pool. I drank a lot of great drinks while I was in pool with the "in pool bar and concrete stools". Remember me telling about my coordination and the flippers in the water, that was nothing compared to getting my big ass up on a float. That is really hard to do. Several women tried to help me and then it was decided it was gonna have to be a STRONG man to get me on a float. They were right about that, the man tried and said we are going to go over to one of those bar stools, you will stand on it and we will hold the float while you grab on. It really did work, but I had the attention of the whole pool by then. There is one thing you never want to do on the islands and that is to look in your glass after the ice melts. Not a pretty picture and you wonder what the hell you have been putting in your stomach all week and whether you will survive the ride home.
The days passed quickly. I found a beautiful jewelery story at the Resort. Karman and I were taking a walk after dinner and the fellow was just closing up. I rushed in and saw a ring that I had to have. Lots of Gold, pave diamonds and a beautiful greeen tourmaline stone. We bartered and he made me think that I won. I thought I did. He gave me my duty forms, etc and I walked out of there holding my hand about 2 feet out in front of me admiring my ring. What a great surprise that was.
Karman and I finshed our week going between the pools, the ocean and the small restaurants. The restaurants were wonderful too. There was French, Japanese, Italian, and a jerky station. those were in addition to the huge meals held outdoors.
The day came to pack 'em up and head 'em out. Porters took our bags to the vans that were waiting for us and I was popping Dramamine anticipating the ride on the wrong side of the road and then the flight back to D.C. A couple who had been at the Resort ask me if I had my Duty Form to pay tax on my HUGE RING. I broke out in a sweat and tried to figure out where I could hide it on my body and wondered if they would let me back in the U.S. if I didn't. Hell, I didn't even know what the tax would be, I just knew I didn't want to pay it. I wadded the warranty and the forms into a ball the size of your thumbnail and stuck it in my bra. "No worry, No problem Mon."
Coming next is another island trip with Connie and his girfriend, Fran. That trip was to Grenada so Connie could look for retirement digs.
Happy Trails
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