ON THE BACK OF A HARLEY

It had been a longtime dream of mine to ride a Harley, as a driver or a passenger, it didn't matter. This was prior to my taking the motorcycle course at the Community College.

Judy Faye called me one afternoon in to see if I would like to go for a bike ride. HELL YES, I replied. She said well put on some jeans and get over here. WHOOOOOOO HOOOOOOO. Jeans, hmmmmmm I wondered if I even had a pair I could get my big butt into. I found some jeans and a flannel shirt. Of course I couldn't tell the husband, he would have gone into some kind of spasms and had to be killed immediately. Off to Judy's I went.

Seems that her sister, Janis' boyfriend, Richard was going to take me for a ride. God knows the stories those two had told him. I had met him a couple of times and thought he was an ass.

I pulled up in the driveway at Judy's and saw a apple red Harley. WOW! I was impressed. I had my camera and took some photos of the bike, Judy took some of me on the bike and some of me on the back of the bike with Richard. We chatted for awhile and I thanked him profusely for the opportunity. He had very little to say. Told me he would show me where to put my feet and hands. Okay, I was ready to rumble.

Richard got on the bike and revved the engine which was music to my ears. I love loud engines, the louder the better. (remember I am also deaf) So Richard showed me the foot plate and said for me to step up on my left foot and throw my right leg over the seat. That was not that easy. My right leg weighs a whole lot. I had no idea how heavy it was. It weighed so much that Janis had to help me throw it over. How embarrassing. It's hard to be cool sometimes. So I wondered where in the hell I was going to hold on. There was a sissy bar behind me but that felt awkward. Janis said "I hold on to his belt" -- I told her I didn't know him that well. So I had a few choices of places to hang on. Around his waist, his belt or the sissy bar. Well I knew that I could really hang on tight if my arms were around his waist, but then, my boobs would be pressing up against his back.....not good. I opted for the belt.

Revved up and ready we pulled out of the yard. No hearing aids, because they buzz inside a helmet and when Richard turned his head sideways to speak to me I was practically crawling on his shoulder to hear. So I had assumed we would ride around the campus and thru downtown and head home. WRONG!!! We go the opposite way and get on the bypass. I love speed and noise, so I was in heaven. Then I started to get concerned. Where in the hell were we going so fast? My family had no idea where I was or what I was doing. I crawled up on Richard's back and asked where we were going. He yelled back that we were going up to Mountain Lake. A long drive up a curvy mountain on a two lane road. I get car sick -- I am sure I get motorcycle sick too. It was probably snowing on the mountain and I did not want to travel that road. I finally told him I was not happy with that idea, and to go somewhere less dangerous. He laughed.

Well Richard did not take me up the mountain but instead on a "KYA" road to a country town with a gas station and 2 beer joints. On the way to New Castle we went around curves almost lying down on the road. The first time he went around one of those KYA turns I leaned into it (as you should), but I put my right foot down exactly where he was leaning the bike towards. He yelled to never do that again. AYE AYE, Sir. While we drove along this road it was amazing. The smells of honeysuckle, grass and even a skunk. It is so unlike a car ride where you are all closed up. You feel free as a bird.

Once we got into the center of New Castle Richard drove towards a couple who were getting ready to get on their motorcycle. I guess it is a biker thing and we rode towards them to chat. I was on the back still and he had his feet down keeping us steady. I'm thinking, how cool I must look on the back of my honey's hawg..... Get a grip was my next thought. Richard asked about the Poker Run and whether or not they were going to participate. I had no clue what a Poker Run was and didn't really care but thought I should. We told them goodbye and they headed in the opposite direction. Richard turned and told me were were going to go South and find some beer joint and have a beer. WHAAAAAAT????? I don't drink beer nor do I drive or ride with people that do. Oh My God -- what a fine mess I have gotten myself into now. I can see the headlines now, Married woman and younger man killed as their motorcycle ran off the mountain. They were drunk. You cannot imagine what was going thru my head. Richard told me that a Poker Run was when a bunch of bikers went from bar to bar playing poker and drinking. Oh, what fun that would be.

We drove to the first beer joint and it was closed. I said THANK YOU JESUS, under my breath. I should not have gotten so hopeful, 5 miles away was another beer joint and it was open. Richard pulled the bike right up to the front door. There are 3 teenage boys sitting up against the window smoking. I knew they were so jealous of Richard for having a Hawg and a Woman to ride with. GET A GRIP -- my mind was not working right that day, fantasy land again. Richard kicks the kickstand down and tells me to get off first. Hell, that was a lot easier said than done. Who was gonna lift my leg off? I told him I didn't think I could get my leg over the other side. He laughed and said lean up against me. Put your hands on my shoulders and kick your leg back. It worked -- was that cool or what, him telling me in front of the teenage boys how to get off the damned bike.....UNREAL. I am soooooooo cool. I was so cool that I had a hard time getting my helmet off of my big, sweaty head. I hurt my ears. WHO KNEW? Speaking of a sweaty head I had no idea how bad it looked. I had to walk by a mirror thru the "restaurant" into the bar. I looked like I had been waterboarded. Still cool tho. The bar was dark and some old toothless wonder guy asked how we were doing. I by then had a pole up my butt and was not speaking to anyone. This could be right out of the movie Deliverance, for all we knew. Back to the bar and there were two big window fans sitting on the bar, Thank God for that. Maybe my hair would dry out and the sweat would dry up in my ears. I have always wanted to sit at a bar and drink a long neck beer. I don't even like beer, remember, but still I had always wanted to. Well little did I know that Judy Faye had told Richard about the bar, and the beer. So as far as Richard knew, he was granting my wishes. I was pissed because he assumed he could just take me in that bar and two that he would drink a beer and drive and think that I would accompany him. NO WAY JOSE. So the bartender asked what we would like and Richard ordered "a long neck bud" and the fellow looked at me. The pole was still in place (even tho I was sitting on a bar stool)and I said NOTHING. Richard wanted to know why I didn't want a beer. Ms. Pole up the Butt said "I DON'T DRINK BEER". Well that was the truth but you know, when in Rome..... I was sorry that I had not gotten a coke or something as the sweat kept rolling. The guy came by and said here's a coke on the house. He had to have known I was so uncomfortable, especially with that pole. I really needed to go to the bathroom but there was no way in hell I was even going to look for a bathroom in the place. Pole is still there. Richard tells the bartender he would like another beer. I nearly fell off the damned stool. WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT? Two beers, my life is in his hands and he is going to kill me. OH JESUS, I was praying silently that if the Lord would just let me get home safely I would never, ever, do this again. We sat there in this dark, dank hot bar and didn't speak. He had no personality anyway and we hardly knew each other... nothing to say. THEN, he asked if I had any money, he wanted another beer. I said NO I DO NOT!!! Pole was really in tight by then. Richard said well if I can't have another beer we might as well leave.

Out the door we go and the teenage boys are still there, didn't steal the bike or anything. It was going to be really hard for me to be cool when I couldn't throw my leg over the bike by myself. Richard was going to have to throw his big leg over first and I had just hurt my ears trying to get the helmet on. Richard reminded me I had stand on the foot stand and lean on him (OH GOD). That done, we peeled out of the gravel lot headed in the wrong direction. I yelled at Richard and asked where we were going. He said we were going down Catawba Mountain into Salem, Va. WHYYYYYYYYY I asked. It's a nice ride he yelled back. Well as we started down the mountain it began to rain. GREAT I THOUGHT. The roads will be slippery and we will die for sure. These are guilty thoughts, I realized. That's what happens when you sneak and you don't have any fun. So we are riding in the rain and headed the wrong way from home. The rain did eventually stop and we weren't too wet. That was the good news.
The bad news I realized was that we were going home on the INTERSTATE. OH MY GOD. Interstate 81 is a death trap in a car, not to mention a damned motorcycle.

So we left the small town of Salem and roared up a ramp onto the Interstate. I was holding on for dear life. Then I thought my God, I will probably pass my son on this road. Worry, Worry, Worry. Little did I know I had more to worry about. The rain had started up again (lightly) and Richard decides to pass all the trucks on the Interstate. You know how scary it is to pass one of these 18 wheelers if you are in a car -- if you are in the passenger seat, it is scarier. Well we were up close and personal with those 18 wheels going 70 miles per hour and we were keeping up. I did a whole lot of praying the rest of the way home. It was a 35 minute ride once we got on the Interstate and it was a hairy ride at that. Once we got off of the Interstate I started to relax, like it was okay to die close to home!

We arrived back at Judy's safe and sound and she took another picture. I wanted to go home and drink a huge mixed drink and pass out. Maybe I would wake up and realize it was a bad dream. I thanked Richard and got in my car and went home to unwind. It wasn't til later on that I learned about what Judy had told Richard and then I wanted to kill her all over again. It would have been perfect if Richard had driven me through Town or around campus and brought me home.

The bad thing is that I am sure I ruined Richard's outing by being such an ass and I am sorry for that. The good thing is that we were not killed and I am thankful for that. Home never looked so good.

Happy Trails