WE ARE OFF TO JAMAICA

You know this trip took place about 10 years ago and I remember it like it was yesterday. I need to give you a little background information so you get the full jist.

My brother died from a heart attack in November. He was a great brother and we had a great relationship. He had retired two months earlier from Phillip Morris and was cashing in stock and dumping one of his last girlfriends, building a house on his lot on the Chesapeake Bay. His life was good. His oldest son lived with him and worked in Richmond. Bad things happen to good people sometimes and it certainly did to him. I called him Connie (his name was Howard) but his friends called him HOW-WEIRD.

Connie had been diagnosed with sleep apnea at least 5 years before he died. He told stories that made you laugh til tears ran down your face, especially the stories about him going to sleep at a traffic light downtown Richmond, or during a staff meeting at Phillip Morris with his bosses. He used a CPAP machine to help him breathe at night. He died in his sleep and the CPAP machine was sitting by his bed and had not been plugged up for the night. We think he was probably tired from a big day of fishing, came in fixed a couple of bourbon and water drinks relaxed and went to bed. He had a huge fishing boat and was the Captain who loved taking good looking women out to fish or little kids. The boat's name was YO MAMMA. That was also the license tag for his brand new red diesel truck. He had it made. There was just 18 months between us and we were close and adored each other.

He was a supervisor at Phillip Morris and all his employees adored him. When he retired the employees had a huge limousine come and pick him and his sweetie up and took them out to some fancy restaurant and wined and dined them and showered him with gifts. They all told him they were so jealous. He told them to join him, anyone could retire. He was so happy to tell P.M. to take that job and shove it. He worked long, hard hours and was always tired. He looked exactly like Charlie Daniels, hat, beard, jeans. One time he was at a Charlie Daniels concert in Richmond and people asked him for his autograph. They thought he was Charlie Daniels. I asked him what he did? He said hell, I signed their programs. I asked if he signed his name or Charlie's? He said my own, of course. Those people were in for a shock..... great story and he could tell it in such a way that you were rolling around on the couch laughing at everything he said. When the funeral home director brought his ashes to the house I took them. GOD, it was a heavy cannister but the only thing I could think of was "he ain't heavy, he's my brother". That was so true.


Connie was buried at sea. That had been his request -- to be cremated and everyone go out in a flotilla for his sendoff. A bottle of burbon, of your choice, was to be in each boat. Jimmy, Connie's son, said that in order to shoot off flares in Connie's memory they would have to notify the Coast Guard of what they were doing. The Coast Guard said NO WAY will you do this without penalty of fines. He decided they had been warned, they knew our location and maybe we could "outrun them" (I love that part). The box full of bones and ashes was passed from boat to boat and everyone grabbed a handful of The Main Man. In great order, the boats went to a special location, tossed their ashes, took a drink from the bottle and passed it around to all in the boat. Once those actions were complete the flares went off in unison. Everyone cried -- what a beautiful way to go. We hurried back to the picnic area for dinner and everyone told stories about their good friend and the good time they had had and all the lies they had told.

My brother left me some money. It was a nice amount of money and the husband said SAVE IT, PUT IT IN A C.D. Don't piss it away. Connie would never have wanted that. Sooooo I had heard stories from one of my bosses about Hedonism, Grand Lido Braco and all inclusive resorts in Jamaica. God, that really sounded good. I will admit tht Hedonism looked a little tooo wild for me. I had seen Now we all know, right off the bat, that the husband #1, isn't getting on a plane, #2, had no desire to go to Jamaica, and #3 was not happy with my plan. You can't wait around for him to get happpy, moss will grow on you.

My son, Frank, was in college and had a girlfriend and he was not interested in leaving alone for a week. So I called Karman and she nearly fell down the steps. YIPPPPPPEEEE ----- hell yea, I can take some time off. WHOOPPEEEEEE when does the plane leave. So I made a conference call to a travel agent and he handled it all. What a way to go, on someone else's money.

Karman was in California at the time and we decide we would meet in Baltimore and head out the next morning. I flew from Blacksburg to Dulles and took a shuttle to Baltimore (don't ask why I didn't fly into Baltimore)...... Don't ask I said. I got to the Baltimore airport and got on the hotel shuttle and headed for a little R&R. I got to my hotel and into my room and took all of my clothes off and turned the AC on high and took a power nap in the nude. That was heavenly. When Karman got into Baltimore she took a shuttle as well. We caught up on everything and laughed and hugged at our good fortune. After dinner we asked for a wake up call, showered and got in bed and collapsed til the phone rang at 5 a.m.

Off to the Airport (BMI) we go. It was HUGE. We finally cleared security, nothing like it is now, and sat down with coffee, newspapers, Dramamine and watched all the Jamaican Air planes. They were bright yellow and red. We learned that on the trip they kept your champagne glasses full. Hey, that was music to my ears. I was ready for the BOOZIN AND CRUZIN. As the plane begins to fill up, we notice Jmacians headed back home with their children. I told Karman we were probably going to have to get drunk to survive the flight when those snotty kids started screaming. Believe me, they did. At that time I thought the stewardess should offer us a drink she didn't. So I asked her. She was very gracious and brought on the booze. Hell, I didn't care whether it was gonna mix well with Dramamine or not. We guzzled and giggled and cussed under our breaths at screaming kids. We flew over water most of the way and it was wonderful.

Time flew by with the help of Mimosas and Dramamine tablets. Next thing you know --- we're there. The plane door was opened and a great gush of hot air hit us in the face. OH MY GOD, a week in heaven. We had no idea for the scene in the airport. Complete chaos. I thought the plane was full of screaming kids, the airport was a zoo. We were finally able to locate baggage and the excitement was building even more. Then we saw someone holding up a sign with our names on it; JUST LIKE THE MOVIES. So we semi-run to that person and he tells us to go to a certain van that will take us to our Resort. Well, we walked out of the airport to find at least 100 Jamacian taxi drivers yelling at us and trying to take our luggage. Karman and I were taken aback. We realized we needed the van that had the logo of our resort on it. So we are fighting to hold on to our luggage and men in colorful knitted caps are trying to drag us over to their van. Fights ensued, cursing began, horns were blowing and airport security was waving their billy clubs and using their whistles to try and get control. We saw the logo Grand Lido Braco Village and took off in a trot. We were the first ones on and I told Karman thank God I have taken all the Dramamines in my purse cause if I have to ride in this van I am gonna be sick. Little did I know that we were going to be driving like a bat out of hell on the wrong side of the road. There was lots of screaming and horn blowing as we sped down the crooked road.

Well the countryside was beautiful but all of the houses looked like Jim Walters' homes with no windows. Maybe they did have screens, but from the road we could not tell. They were all multi-colored pastels. We were shocked. I knew it was a poor country but I was not prepared for what I saw. Around twenty minutes later we pulled thru the gates of Grand Lido Braco Village. Oh My God. Heaven, I'm in Heaven........I actually sang that song. YAYYYYYYY, we're here was all that Karman and I could say. So the buses unloaded, guys unloaded our baggage up at the main House and we were served rum punch. Karman nor I either one like rum, but when in Rome....... We found a nice rocking chair on the verandah and rocked and drank. We looked around the grounds and realized that the very front of the Resort was a 9 hole golf course. The grounds were beautiful. Hibiscus of every color were in bloom and there were gardenias and roses that you could smell way before you could see them. Well we waited and people were ushered away with a valet and we wondered WTF???? Well, as it turns out, they forgot us and realized we were sitting on the verasndah. Made us feel really important -- how the hell can they forget you? We were two hot women!!!! That was Hurtful.

Two Jamacian men in white uniforms came out and offered us more punch which we declined, then they apologized for the oversight and informed us due to their oversight, they were upgrading us to the NUDIST SECTION. Well I got stiff-legged (and I mean that in a good way). I tried not to swallow my tongue or scream or fall over the railing but I did manage to pinch the shit out of Karman's side. She just shook her head at me. The valets grabbed our bags and off we go. I was skipping and smelling flowers and not paying a lot of attention to anything. All of the buildings were apartments with front porches and balconys. We were on the 2nd floor in a suite. HOLY CRAP. We had two queen sized beds with mints and a beautiful hibiscus on each pillow. There was a sofa with two easy chairs, television and refrigerator/bar. It is an all inclusive resort and I that's the only way I ever want to travel.

The first thing Karman did was start jumping up and down on the bed like a kid. I have her picture -- she is in the air. My first priority was to run out on the balcony and see all the naked men. (or as Babs would say NEKID). Well there they were, in all their glory. More older men than younger, but they were there and it was all hanging out. Just for me....... Karman yelled "Don't look Ethel". HAHA. I think she meant don't stare. I ran back in and got a hat and sundglsses so no one could see where I was looking. Karman said I am going to call Kreg and tell him we've been upgraded to the nudist section. I said Yea, call him. He will have a heart attack. Well he told Karman to say "Don't look Ethel" -- they're nothing if not original. After Karman hung the phone up we started checking the room. The fridge was full of all kinds of booze and soft drinks and snacks. Then I spotted a lizzard. Damn, that took the J out of Joy. I hate bugs and lizards. I don't want to share my space with either of them. Karman and I put the hibiscus behind our ears and got ready to mix a drink. The fridge held everything but ICE. Where was the damn ice? Karman ran and jumped on the bed and called the desk. You needed to go outside to the thatch covered bar for mixed drinks, ice, cokes, etc. I took the ice bucket and galloped down the steps and around the corner to the bar when it hit me that everyone there, except the bartenders, were buck naked. WTF? Nudist Section, what did I expect. I did a quick turn around and walked as fast as I could back to the room. Karman opened the door and I informed her about the nudist and she laughed and laughed. Nudist Section Gail, don't forget we have been UPGRADED. I don't think I was quite ready for the real thing, it was hitting home.

The nudist section is a very small section of the Resort. On the other end of the resort are hotel like buildings. In between the nudist section and the grand pavilion were other condos like ours but were for those who wore clothes all day. I told Karman that I truly could not live with myself if I didn't get NEKID. Come all that way, stay in the most expensive part of the resort ahhhhhhhhhh I couldn't help myself.

It was Karman's time to get stiff legged. She was so tickled that I was gonna go nude and she said she would tell Kreg and he would be so pissed. So we sipped iceless drinks and make a plan. My kids had never even seen me without clothes and I am gonna show everyone from air to sea. Oh, that's another thing -- there were helicopters flying all over the place. Wonder what they were looking for. We later were told that that was a no fly zone. I said that was B.S. They were flying all over our zone. So I stripped to the flabby white skin that had never seen daylight and wrapped my big ole beach towel around me as tight as possible and told Karman to watch for me on the balcony and take a picture. She screamed -- of you nude? I know that was a scarey thought for her. I said no, I will take the towel off when I get on the lounge chair. You take the picture and all you will really be able to tell is that I don't have a swim suit on. We had a plan. So I walked down the front steps, past the nudie bar and a bunch of white asses hanging off the stools (that is not sanitary) and there was the beautiful white sand and acquamarine colored water, just like in photographs you see. I stepped a little quicker when I spotted an empty chair, nobody near. I turned to make sure Karman was in her position. Ready, Camera, Action. Very carefully I lowered this sluggish body down on the lounge chair. Very carefully, I lifted both legs up on the chair (I looked like a papoose). I adjusted the arms and the back and slightly tilted the back so I had a beautiful view of the nekkid men in the water, walking with their friends on the beach or just the gorgeous view up the beach towards the main Resort area. So I was prepared for the unveiling. I took a deep breath, and untwisted the towel that was holding me hostage and dropped it by my side. I thought Jesus, my boobs and stomach are really white, how ugly. I'm checking myself out when a shadow covers me up. I know I said a quick prayer, "let it be a cloud"...... oh no, a cloud would have been tooooo easy. It was a grounds worker. That S.O.B. had been waiting, probably behind a large coconut tree or a hibiscus bush for me. I know he saw me get out of the van and thought, mmmmmmmmhuh......she is good looking woman.... I will see her nude. JOKE!!!! Back to the shadow covering the white body. I said "WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT" he said good afternoon mam, lovely day mam, hope you are enjoying yourelf mam and never quit looking at the white belly and boobs and the lower fatty areas. HOLY CANOLI, I grabbed that towel and nearly killed both of us trying to get up and get the hell off that beach. Karman saw it all and I thought we might have to hosptialize her. She was hysterical and couldn't get her breath. She said she had never seen me move that fast in her life. She said it was so obvious that he stood in wait for me to drop the towel. She said if she had yelled, I probably would not have heard her and/or I would have turned around right into his face. Which was worse. Talk about high stepping, I hauled my ass up the sidewalk and stairs and back to the room where I fell on the bed and laughed myself too death. I should have reported his ass, but I WAS IN THE NUDIST SECTION.....

Karman and I took a nap after all the excitement and by dinner time we were starving. We followed the crowd to the Grand Pavilion and what a sight that was. A huge open air ballroom with gauzy curtains blowing in a mild warm wind. There were over 100 tables for sitting and at least five large tables full of food. The food was to die for. The first table you came to was nothing but fruit. That suited us just fine (we thought). You know how hard it is to peel a mango right? There were huge silver platters with nothing but sliced mangos, another of pineapple, another of guava, and all kinds of native fruit. The presentation looked as if Martha Stewart had been in charge, lovely. Then there was a table of salad fixings. The next was vegetables and the next was meats and seafood and the last table was desserts. You could have anything you desired to drink -- alcohol, tea, juice, etc. The eating tables were covered with white linen cloths and each had a beautiful flower arrangement in the middle and wicker chairs. Died and gone to heaven, I'm telling ya. We gorged and gorged and gorged. Then we took a walk around the pool, saw a bar and concrete stools in the middle of the pool, and then we saw the beach all lit with tiki lights, hammocks hanging from coconut trees, paddle boats, etc. How romantic, but not for the two of us. I am pretty sure Karman was having thoughts of her significant other and I was so happy I was having no thoughts at all. I think we stayed awake til 10 pm and got in bed and talked and laughed thru the night.

The next morning was beautiful. Heck, everyday we were there was beautiful. The sun was up and we were off to breakfast. Karman had questions about our beach adventures for the day. I told her we would wait and see. We headed down the steps to the walkway and OH MY GOD -- at the bottom of the steps is a beautiful specimen of a man. OH LORD -- he was naked. Is it butt naked or buck naked, I have never known. We only had about 12 steps to walk down and I felt like I was going to fall down all 12. Well Mr. Naked was posed so perfectly. Not only was he posed, he was smoking a damn cigar. I love to smell cigars. I may have been able to take one more step before Karman pinched one of my love handles and said "settle down Bevus". I told her to go slower, slow down Karman. She once again tried to pinch me and I dodged her as I took in eye candy. Of course when we got to the last step he turned and our eyes met.....ONLY KIDDING. He was checking to see if we were looking at his better points and he saw that I was. I said good morning to him and he totally ignored us. Not sure why, buttttttttttttttttttt I told Karman I was going to look each time I had the chance. First of all he could have been smoking on his "back" patio and not right out front. We need to remind ourselves we are in the nudist section -- how could I ever forget. So we left MR. COCKY (no pun intended) and headed for breakfast. Wow -- it was as grand as our dinner. More fruit and chefs at their tables ready to fix your choice meat or omlet. Of course there were more mimosas and that made me so happy. There's just something about free champagne that I love. Not only was it free it was the good stuff. No cheapo booze there. We were stuffed by the time breakfast was over. Back to the room and I was trying not to skip back to Mr. Cocky, but it wouldn't have mattered -- he was gone, showing off to someone else.

They have so many activities at the Braco. There is a new list each morning and you signed up for the next day. We had signed up for a manicure and pedicure at the spa and then in the afternoon we were each getting a massage. Believe it or not, those were all firsts for me. Also offered at the spa was a haircut or cornrows or extensions. My hair was way too short for cornrows and I cannot imagine that look would flatter me at all but I wish I had tried extensions but since you were offered one of each of the items, I would have paid (probably big bucks) big time, I'm sure. The massage was wonderful too. I could have had it done outside but decided against that -- I didn't want to be ogled like a "piece of meat" hahahahaha.

In addition to all that pampering you could take scuba lessons, snorkel, go fishing, sailing and lots of other activities. Karman thought snorkeling lessons would be fun and it was. LeRoy was our instructor and he and Karman hit it off right away. Karman thought we should both try to snorkel. Neither of us are very good swimmers but we were going to learn to snorkel in waist-deep water. Oh My God, the water looked exactly like it does in photos of the Caribbean. Acquamarine water filled with beautiful little tropical fish that were so many different shapes and colors. LeRoy was excited to begin. He had our snorkels and our flippers in his hand. Hey, no problem. How hard could this be, I thought. I wonder what the people on the beach thought when they saw us trying to get those flippers on. I watched Karman balance on one foot slip that flipper on and raise the other and no problem. Then I tried to get the flippers on. I was all over the place. One leg up and head over heels. I tried and I tried. Finally, between Karman and LeRoy they got the flippers on me. If I thought that was hard, I didn't have a clue. I learned not only was I a klutz, but I could not breathe thru a snorkel, my nose or my mouth underwater. I tired, God knows I tried. I was wasting precious time that could have been spent enjoying the underwater sights. I told LeRoy and Karman to go for it. I took off the snorkel and the mask and decided it would be too embarassing for me and the people on the beach to try and get those damn flippers off by myself. I decided while Karman and LeRoy did their thing I would walk around and let the fish nibble my legs and flippers. What a cool feeling to feel them nibbling around my legs and ankles. It felt wonderful -- I could get used to that. While the fish were nibbling I was not paying attention and fell over the biggest damn rock which definitely did not belong in the water. It still amazes me that I could walk around that whole beach and fall over the only boulder in the water. I nearly killed myself. I tore the skin off of my knee and hurt my pride. It was a good thing the tropical fish were not pirranahs, I would have lost a leg.
Karman was a quick study and she and LeRoy went out to the breakers and had a great time.

We had signed up earlier in the week to go to the famous falls, Dunn's River Falls. We had no idea that we were going to be stopping along the way at different places. The first place we stopped was on the top of a hill. Not only did the people live there but they had erected their own little make shift shops. They sold all kinds of tye dyed shirts with cute sayings on them and they also had clothes they had obviously bought somewhere else to sell. Everyone sold silly hats made from coconut frams. It was amazing to watch them create those hats and for all the work they had into them they asked very little. Lots of bartering went on and they wanted U.S. dollars for everything. Next stop was in a little town where we all piled out of the van and went into a wild-colored restaurant to have some "jerk" food. After our bellies were full we took a stroll to the tax-free store. WOW, the first thing I was diamonds and more diamonds and I wanted them all. I was quickly distracted by a friendly guy offering us jiggers of bananna or coconut rum. That's what I'm talking about. I don't even like banannas or rum. I just couldn't get enough, I started asking for another jigger. They were happy to oblige. We left that store with several bottles of each kind of rum. I never drank the rum and ended up throwing it away about 5 years ago, after hauling all the way home from Jamaica. UNREAL. Our next stop was a "quickie". We pulled over on the side of the road to see a beautiful home on top of a hill. That home was in one of the James Bond movies. As we got closer to the falls the excitement grew. We all had on swimsuits under our clothes and we were starting to get warm. The van unloaded us at the entrance to the falls and we were directed to a place to get our rubber slippers. I really expected to see the falls immediately and jump right in. WRONG!!!!!! There is a huge concrete walkway to the water and the falls run along side of the walkway. We walked all the way down to the beach and lo and behold there were huge yachts parked in the water. What a life. Karman and I took our time before starting up the falls. You walk UP the falls, not DOWN. We played in the water for awhile and watched as groups were lined up for the trek back up. I decided there was no way in hell I was walking up those slick rocks holding someone's hand. So I didn't. Karman, always the sport, jumped right in and off she went. After Karman left I was bored and followed the group on the sidewalk. Everyone had a good time, the bus headed home and we were all exhausted.

The following day was spent around the pool. I drank a lot of great drinks while I was in pool with the "in pool bar and concrete stools". Remember me telling about my coordination and the flippers in the water, that was nothing compared to getting my big ass up on a float. That is really hard to do. Several women tried to help me and then it was decided it was gonna have to be a STRONG man to get me on a float. They were right about that, the man tried and said we are going to go over to one of those bar stools, you will stand on it and we will hold the float while you grab on. It really did work, but I had the attention of the whole pool by then. There is one thing you never want to do on the islands and that is to look in your glass after the ice melts. Not a pretty picture and you wonder what the hell you have been putting in your stomach all week and whether you will survive the ride home.

The days passed quickly. I found a beautiful jewelery story at the Resort. Karman and I were taking a walk after dinner and the fellow was just closing up. I rushed in and saw a ring that I had to have. Lots of Gold, pave diamonds and a beautiful greeen tourmaline stone. We bartered and he made me think that I won. I thought I did. He gave me my duty forms, etc and I walked out of there holding my hand about 2 feet out in front of me admiring my ring. What a great surprise that was.

Karman and I finshed our week going between the pools, the ocean and the small restaurants. The restaurants were wonderful too. There was French, Japanese, Italian, and a jerky station. those were in addition to the huge meals held outdoors.

The day came to pack 'em up and head 'em out. Porters took our bags to the vans that were waiting for us and I was popping Dramamine anticipating the ride on the wrong side of the road and then the flight back to D.C. A couple who had been at the Resort ask me if I had my Duty Form to pay tax on my HUGE RING. I broke out in a sweat and tried to figure out where I could hide it on my body and wondered if they would let me back in the U.S. if I didn't. Hell, I didn't even know what the tax would be, I just knew I didn't want to pay it. I wadded the warranty and the forms into a ball the size of your thumbnail and stuck it in my bra. "No worry, No problem Mon."

Coming next is another island trip with Connie and his girfriend, Fran. That trip was to Grenada so Connie could look for retirement digs.

Happy Trails